Pigtails

The strangest thing has been happening to me for maybe a week or so. (Today I am 52 days sober). I feel really happy and free, like a completely different person.

On the one hand, this is really good, but I kind of can't believe it. One of the reasons I knew I needed to stop drinking was that I had become so depressed. Life felt hopeless and pointless. I also had so much anxiety and everything felt so out of control. I was sitting here today feeling peaceful and happy and wondering how in the world it could be that six or so short months ago, I was having suicidal thoughts. I just can't believe this turn around!

I am sure it has something to do with the fact that I'm at home visiting my family (except that in the past when I was here, I felt anxious, depressed, and stressed! But in general I feel comfortable and like myself around my family, so, I'm sure that has something to do with it, although I also felt very good, even more "up"/naturally "high" before I started my vacation... this is more like a stable peaceful feeling, which feels even better in a way).

On the other hand, this is bad, because I start to doubt that I am really an alcoholic. I think, it was so "easy" for me to stop drinking... perhaps I was just relying on alcohol too much during hard times, and now I'm blowing my former "problem" out of proportion, when I can actually handle my drinking when the rest of my life's in order. It's not even really that I *want* to drink, it's more like I start to think that I *could* drink if I wanted to, and now it wouldn't be an issue.

I think this is all just a temporary way of thinking and maybe I will be back to struggling (I had a few hard days where I was wanting to drink... before a giddy/happy feeling set in, and then this nice calm feeling). But I am enjoying it, except for thinking I'm not an alcoholic... I guess that is just my brain's way of trying to make me feel secure so it can sneak the drinks back in!! Has anyone else experienced this??

Sapling

From the big book pg 30

Most of us have been unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death.

Pigtails

Thanks Sapling.

At this point, it isn't an urge or a strong desire or anything I'm afraid of acting on... perhaps because I've read that passage and others and I understand at least mentally that it's probably my alcoholic mind playing tricks on me. But I want to bring it up and talk about it because I don't want it to get bigger. I need reminders such as this quote, so, thank you. I start to think it was "easy" to quit when it wasn't easy at all! All I have to do is go back and read some of my earlier posts to see that I was a mess and it was a struggle and I know it will probably be a struggle again in the future. I should enjoy this "easy" part of sobriety while it lasts but there is this creeping feeling that I want to keep at bay, that says, nah, it was all just an over-reaction and once I work on myself, I will be okay to drink again. I have to keep reminding myself that it was only once I stopped drinking that I could even begin to work on myself, so, if I start drinking again, I will be back to where I left off and maybe all of this work will be for nothing!

Sapling

You can count on that....Be strong Pigtails.

Pigtails

Okay! Thanks.

Dee74

It took me a long time to trust the feeling I was feeling too PT..even after I realised it was ...happiness...(wow), I still didn't quite trust it.

Feeling it was one thing, but I had to believe I was worthy of it, too

The other side of it - feeling so good that you start to think maybe you over-reacted your drinking problem...I felt that too...and I call 'alcoholism' on it, lol.

Only an alcoholic would think that feeling great might mean they're not an alcoholic...
the rest of the world would take that as a sign they were finally living life right...y'know?

D

Sapling

I don't think it will hurt you to go back and read some of your earlier posts...There is a reason you stopped to begin with....Hang in there!

Fandy

i had almost the exact same feelings around day 50-60? too...only i made the mistake of going to the store and buying a bottle of wine....i had 2 glasses that evening and thought well this is OK, instead it led to this weird pattern of binge drinking once a month, (which was something i had never done previously).

i had additional stressors in my life at the time, (my mother was seriously ill and dying, i was goingthrough a long drawn out break-up) but it took me 3-4 months to realize i was right back where i started....and the aftermath was just as uncomfortable as the original withdrawal.

Overall, it was a hard lesson to learn, but i accept the fact that I just do not want to drink. because one is never enough....it just triggers the old pattern.

Sorcerer

It sounds like you have your recovery as priority in your life, this is so natural ~ its who we are, it is the Nature of our disease! Cunning, baffling, & powerful...I struggle with this too, & if I don't remind myself quickly of why I am here & what alcohol does to me, I start getting sicker. Posting on here/calling another alcoholic/going to a meeting...all great ways to invest in your sobriety. Good for you!

Zebra1275

I start to think that I *could* drink if I wanted to, and now it wouldn't be an issue.

This kind of thinking is dangerous and if you act on it, you will quickly regress back to where you were. I don't know what your program of recovery is, but if it were me, I'd get to a meeting asap.

I once had similiar thoughts after 5 1/2 years of sobriety. Unfortunately I convinced myself that I could drink like a normal person. I discovered that I can't.

soberlicious

There is no probably about it...it absolutely is your mind playing tricks. Just knowing that puts you in a better position to continue your hard earned sobriety. I dismiss all such thoughts as lies and refuse to ponder and engage. Drinking is not an option for me ever. Even if by some twisted mutation, I woke up tomorrow and could drink safely, I can tell you, I would not. I am a non-drinker. Wondering whether or not I could drink safely is moot.
I agree with Dee about the feeling of happiness. Feelings of true happiness and peace were so foreign to me, that they were almost uncomfortable...if that makes sense. Subconciously I would begin to self-sabbotage. That's something I have to continue to address even though I've long put the bottle down. But as far as drinking, it doesn't have to be a lifetime of white-knuckling to be proof that you are a "real" alcoholic (whatever that means). It is "easy" for me to not drink, but it being easy has nothing to do with my addiction to alcohol. I don't know alot...but I know full well that I will become readdicted if I drink again. It's that knowledge that ends the battle in my mind and allows for peace and happiness.

Charon

One thing stressed at Brattleboro Retreat is that the single most insidious cause of relapse is overconfidence. Thinking you've got it beat and forgetting the pain of the final days and the struggle of early sobriety - thinking that it will be different this time - not keeping true to your program (whatever that might be) - giving in to the "pink cloud". One thing we alcoholics must be is ever vigilent. The enemy has outposts in our head and will never give up. The best we can hope for is to keep shooting at it (a little every day) and force it to keep it's head down. We can, however, enjoy the peace and serenity we get by not giving in.

soberlicious

I have a little different take on this. The ways we "keep shooting at it" are varied, and some are more effective than others. I will use this analogy, and it may not make sense to some but it works for me. I had this dog I got from the pound. He was an uncontrollable jumper. I tried everything I knew but he jumped on me, the kids, everyone who entered the house. People didn't even want to come over. I put him away for periods, but when let out the jumping started all over again. I had a trainer come to the house. I told the guy, "he's going to jump and knock you over when you come in, just keep yelling at him to stop" (like I had the answer LOL) he replied, "Oh, he won't jump on me". When the guy got there, the dog was jumping and scratching at the door. When I opened it, the dog began to jump, but the trainer calmly put his hand down, did not make eye contact, did not even acknowledge the dog really. He began talking to me. He did not engage whatsoever with the dog. The dog just sat there and I'm telling you I could not believe my eyes.
By not engaging with the "addict mind", by fully understanding that all thoughts that even remotely have to do with drinking or using are all lies, that some such thoughts are cleverly disguised but they too are lies, then the full force battle and all the anxiety that goes along with it do not have to be employed. Some who use AVRT may understand this form of "beast whispering".

PaperDolls

Good stuff in this thread.

Pigtails -- I can relate to your thinking. I thought like that for a long time and kept going back to drinking. Proving to myself over and over and over and over that I cannot drink.

I think it's normal. The difference for me today is how I act on it ...... i.e. getting to a meeting or sharing it with someone rather than believe the lies I can tell myself. I think it shows progress that you're aware of your thinking and that it's a dangerous way of thinking.

I'm proud of you!

MentalLoop

Pigtails - I think you and I are in the exact same boat. Hell, I crossed 31 days today, and I've been whistling dixie the whole way through it. Much like yourself, to the point where i believe that if i take care of my mind and get through all my anger issues and resentment issues, that I'll be able to one day pick up a drink....and the feeling that that day is not that far off. But like many of the posters here have said, you have to remember how you got to wanting to quit in the first place. Somehow, we forget the pain that alcohol caused over time, and we only remember the positive. Here is something that has been helping me continue on the sobriety bandwagon even though seemingly I am on top of the world. Everything i read and can even rationalize through leads me to believe that if we have the next drink, there is a very strong possibility that we will fall much harder than where we were. We are amongst the lucky ones who got out on top (i.e. with limited alcohol impact). But if you read the many posts on this site, one theme seems tried and true. Anybody who has relapsed (albeit with a slow start) has fallen much harder the next time around. Why would we expose ourselves to that? The other notion I have been working on coming to terms with is the realization that I am not required to drink to move forward with my life. Said another way, let's assume that we can handle our liquor, that doesn't mean we should drink. It also doesn't mean that this is the only way we can have a good time. Add to this now the highly likely possibility (odds) that if we do drink, it will have catastrophic consequences mentally, physically and socially; the only logical conclusion is to keep the bottle down.

I'm not saying i have conquered my drinking demons, but i know enough to not jump the gun on my overconfidence right now. I also know enough that this concept of cunning, baffling, powerful is not just a trite phrase....seriously, what other disease do you know that continually tries to convince you that you don't have it? Neither AIDS, Cancer, etc. try to convince you otherwise. This disease......it's a B-TCH!.

Ariesdch

I've stated this in other threads...That thought is, in my opinion, is one of the worst things an alcoholic has to face, that is "I'm ok, I can handle it this time".

The withdrawal passes; the anxiety passes. We start feeling like we can take on the world 2 to 3 months in. Our body has been healing from the damage we did to it. The last day may be becoming a forgotten time. When in reality, this is the most dangerous time.

Not only at 2 to 3 months, but long beyond that. My relapse was after 10 years of sobriety!

I'm not sure I can offer any advice to be honest. As for me, I'm trying to burn the 3 days that led up to my decision to quit into my memory so I never forget what I went through.

1undone

Last day 90 for me I drank for this very thinking.....

Itchy

Pigtails,
I love that you feel well enough to start the I can handle it self delusion, and smart enough to post about it here. I have a perhaps similar to soberlicious' way I have dealt with it the whole time. I too didn't have the cravings that others did at any time in my recent year plus of sobriety. I didn't do any AVRT or other book to get this but I can explain it.

I was just so tired of being sick and tired and committed to never drinking or smoking again, as they were killing me and I felt it coming, that the alcohol little niggle thoughts I would just shrug off. I probably had the same little starts to what others called cravings but I internally was never going to drink again. I had no hope of doing it again, no desire. I was so far down for me, regardless of others calling me functional and OK, I was a slave to alcohol and tobacco. Maybe my bottom was different than another's, but my bottom nevertheless. I honestly believed I had no hope, and could not break free. I somehow found that second chance and took it. Now that I have it, sobriety, I won't, can't, throw it away.

It took me a year to get those random thoughts that maybe I could drink again and handle it but I won't. Then I would do as you have just done, read some of my early posts and realize that it isn't won't but can't.

I am so much more afraid of being ensnared again that I will never drink again ever. From reading the trials of others who have relapsed here I have learned that I don't want to go through an even harder time coming back when I am already here and sober, calm, relaxed. I lack nothing. And you just described the same feeling, lacking nothing, comfortable again in your skin.

THEN WHY IN THE HECK WOULD I EVEN HAVE A THOUGHT LIKE THAT, OR YOU HAVE ONE, WHEN WE AREN'T IN CRISIS?

The beauty of it now is that it is only a fleeting thought for me now because I will it away as absurd, insane, ridiculous.

But many said I was overconfident early on. I know why now. I wasn't overconfident, just had no yet begun suffering from selective memory. That is what SR is here for. My little jolt of reality. When I had those thoughts at over a year sober, I didn't fret over them or believe them, I just laughed at them. So I learned not to relapse here too.

A passing thought that I needed to get sober could not make it so, I had to make it happen. Same with that thought. Likely? No.

Pigtails

Thank you, everyone. I read all your posts with interest and appreciate the tricks and tips and advice (As a dog lover, I especially like the story about the jumpy dog!).

I too am grateful to have found sobriety before things got every worse. I know things will get just as bad again, if not worse, and eventually worse, if I do drink. My biggest reason right now for not drinking is that I was depressed before when I was drinking, and now I'm not. That's huge. And even if I do feel depressed, I know that alcohol will only hurt, not help.

Thanks everyone for the encouraging advice. I feel good and happy today!

debsam

Pigtails I want to thank you for this post. This is the exact thinking that got me off track in the past. Kudos to you for recognizing it and taking the time to post it.

Just realized, 9 months sober for me today and probably appreciate your post even more so.

I believe it was Anna that wrote "self awarenness is a gift"......boy is it ever