The Recovery Merry Go Round
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
The Recovery Merry Go Round
I'm in recovery. Multiple addictions, both substances and behaviors. I am making headway, on step 6/7.
Like many recovering addicts we didn't realize how much addiction issues permeated our lives. It's both encouraging and exhausting to find yet another area that needs attention. Encouraging because if I wasn't aware of it, I couldn't address it, but exhausting because yet one more thing needs attention. I set it aside, sort of, knowing that if I press on in the steps, a good bit of it WILL be addressed, as all are intertwined.
But still, discovering my own codependent issues is one more exhausting relevation. Great...now I have to do the "no relationship" thing too. I'm sorry, that is just how I feel right now.
I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need to type it out for myself.
It's Christmas morning, and I am alone. My boyfriend, alcoholic, I thought he was in recovery...is MIA again. And I know that I have to let it go, take care of myself, and ultimately end this with him, because it's just another manifestation of my addiction to stay in this relationship. And how can I recover when I hang onto addiction?
I've pretty much lost everything in my life (but a few random friends and my sisters and parent's love) in the past two years to addiction. That's the short story, of course there was a spouse of 25 yrs ago involved and he came with issues of his own, so yes, my addiction is a large part of things, well, it takes two to tango.
So, I'm not keen on dealing with any more significant losses right now. But, if he's gone back to drinking, or even if he is dry drunk but exhibiting all the rest of addiction behavior, I never really had a boyfriend, just the illusion of one.
In another thread I read through this morning, a woman told a story of her bf not showing up when they had plans, acting evasive etc. And people told her how she was being disrespected etc. She said something about how it was the third time it had happened in two years, and she really shouldn;t put up with it.
I get this sort of thing from him three times a week.
Stamp "Dumbell" on my forehead.
He was going to get me a birthday present last month, but he couldn't yet because he had to have some work done on his teeth and wasn't sure if he was going to have the money...but he had something in mind, and it'd just have to wait, but he'd get it for me after his dental work, but before Christmas, it'd be a between birthday and Christmas thing.
When it didn't happen, well, it's not like I want him to buy me stuff...he warned me last week that he isn't good about presents, ever, with anyone. He's just always been bad about them. Translation: you're not getting a Christmas gift. So we went into the city last week (we live in a town with no major stores) and I mentioned I needed a watch and a pair of kitchen shears. He started asking me things like did I prefer a watch with a face or digital, what sort of band, etc. And similar things about kitchen shears. So I got the idea, I mean he asked a LOT of questions, that he was thinking of getting me one of those for a Christmas gift, since "never knowing what to get" was one of the things he cited as an issue with gifts. (he knew exactly what I wanted for my birthday, and assured me he had the link to the website)
A few days ago, he again went into his litany of not being good about gifts, so I would know that I'm not getting anything and not to be disappointed come Christmas. And I was a bit annoyed, because I should have gone ahead and bought myself that watch, but he had acted SO MUCH like he was going to buy me one...I mean asked me all these leading questions for like five minutes, that I had not, because it seemed he was looking for a way to do the gift thing.
Oh, and I didn't get myself kitchen shears either.
The other day was a holy day in my religion. And I had a dinner and evening service planned. He had said at some point he wanted to join me, but then the day before he was MIA, and emails and phone calls were unreturned, so I assumed he was not going to participate, but that day he said he was going to, and he did. We had a lovely evening. And he wanted to spend the next evening with me, and I double checked if he wanted to do Christmas with me because I've learned over the past year to never assume anything, and yes, he was going to do Christmas and was looking forward to waking up with me, having coffee and gingerbread for breakfast.
Well, Christmas eve and he was MIA, phone turned off, not on line. I went to sleep alone.
Maybe he will show up, maybe he wont'. I gave him a small present a few weeks ago, Holiday music, so I gave it to him early. I was going to give him a simple gift I made, but something he would truly use and enjoy...but now...I feel so stupid. Again.
I try to keep it simple, keep my expectations ridiculously low. Double cover my a** by assuming he will NOT be here, but he makes a point of...hinting he is getting me a gift, saying he wants to spend a certain evening with me, then he doesn't and again I am hurt. I mean, I totally gave up on ever expecting him to respond to an invitation or plan I made. But now he goes out of his way to make a plan and STILL doesn't show.
I won't say I don't know what to do. I know what to do, I'm just not sure I know how to do it. Because he will call and make all sorts of promises and plans, then he will disappear, then call again. My last boyfriend, and my ex, they disappeared, and I was able to keep myself from chasing them, but this time I think it might be different, because I think he will try to get back in. But maybe I grossly overestimate my wonderfulness, and he won't look back either.
I know that I am in this situation. 2000 miles from family, friends, home, stuff, pets, etc. due to my own choices in life. He is my best friend here. How sad is that? That is the best I can do is a man who treats me that way? And now I have to wake up and realize that I have no boyfriend, no best friend. That is a very useful, but very painful Christmas present.
I am going to go on with my very simple plans for this day. And tomorrow I think I will take some of the Christmas money my mother sent me and buy myself a watch. And I don't think there needs to be any dramatic break up with him, because I think he will slither away on his own.
And I need to confess the totality of my stupidity. On Thanksgiving Day, after dinner, he left with the implication that he'd come back later for dessert. He turned off his phone, ignored me online and I did not hear from him until four days later. He'd been doing a little experimentation with the pain pills he got after than dental work.
To my credit. I had not waited around for him, for dessert or anything else about the weekend. I went out of town and did what I wanted to do on my own. But I did take him back, etc. Here I stand again.
I need to get out of the house today. I need to push forward alone. I am so hurt right now, but I KNEW he was totally unreliable, this time the hurt comes because I let myself down. I pretended, again, that he could be there for me.
Like many recovering addicts we didn't realize how much addiction issues permeated our lives. It's both encouraging and exhausting to find yet another area that needs attention. Encouraging because if I wasn't aware of it, I couldn't address it, but exhausting because yet one more thing needs attention. I set it aside, sort of, knowing that if I press on in the steps, a good bit of it WILL be addressed, as all are intertwined.
But still, discovering my own codependent issues is one more exhausting relevation. Great...now I have to do the "no relationship" thing too. I'm sorry, that is just how I feel right now.
I don't expect anyone to read this, but I need to type it out for myself.
It's Christmas morning, and I am alone. My boyfriend, alcoholic, I thought he was in recovery...is MIA again. And I know that I have to let it go, take care of myself, and ultimately end this with him, because it's just another manifestation of my addiction to stay in this relationship. And how can I recover when I hang onto addiction?
I've pretty much lost everything in my life (but a few random friends and my sisters and parent's love) in the past two years to addiction. That's the short story, of course there was a spouse of 25 yrs ago involved and he came with issues of his own, so yes, my addiction is a large part of things, well, it takes two to tango.
So, I'm not keen on dealing with any more significant losses right now. But, if he's gone back to drinking, or even if he is dry drunk but exhibiting all the rest of addiction behavior, I never really had a boyfriend, just the illusion of one.
In another thread I read through this morning, a woman told a story of her bf not showing up when they had plans, acting evasive etc. And people told her how she was being disrespected etc. She said something about how it was the third time it had happened in two years, and she really shouldn;t put up with it.
I get this sort of thing from him three times a week.
Stamp "Dumbell" on my forehead.
He was going to get me a birthday present last month, but he couldn't yet because he had to have some work done on his teeth and wasn't sure if he was going to have the money...but he had something in mind, and it'd just have to wait, but he'd get it for me after his dental work, but before Christmas, it'd be a between birthday and Christmas thing.
When it didn't happen, well, it's not like I want him to buy me stuff...he warned me last week that he isn't good about presents, ever, with anyone. He's just always been bad about them. Translation: you're not getting a Christmas gift. So we went into the city last week (we live in a town with no major stores) and I mentioned I needed a watch and a pair of kitchen shears. He started asking me things like did I prefer a watch with a face or digital, what sort of band, etc. And similar things about kitchen shears. So I got the idea, I mean he asked a LOT of questions, that he was thinking of getting me one of those for a Christmas gift, since "never knowing what to get" was one of the things he cited as an issue with gifts. (he knew exactly what I wanted for my birthday, and assured me he had the link to the website)
A few days ago, he again went into his litany of not being good about gifts, so I would know that I'm not getting anything and not to be disappointed come Christmas. And I was a bit annoyed, because I should have gone ahead and bought myself that watch, but he had acted SO MUCH like he was going to buy me one...I mean asked me all these leading questions for like five minutes, that I had not, because it seemed he was looking for a way to do the gift thing.
Oh, and I didn't get myself kitchen shears either.
The other day was a holy day in my religion. And I had a dinner and evening service planned. He had said at some point he wanted to join me, but then the day before he was MIA, and emails and phone calls were unreturned, so I assumed he was not going to participate, but that day he said he was going to, and he did. We had a lovely evening. And he wanted to spend the next evening with me, and I double checked if he wanted to do Christmas with me because I've learned over the past year to never assume anything, and yes, he was going to do Christmas and was looking forward to waking up with me, having coffee and gingerbread for breakfast.
Well, Christmas eve and he was MIA, phone turned off, not on line. I went to sleep alone.
Maybe he will show up, maybe he wont'. I gave him a small present a few weeks ago, Holiday music, so I gave it to him early. I was going to give him a simple gift I made, but something he would truly use and enjoy...but now...I feel so stupid. Again.
I try to keep it simple, keep my expectations ridiculously low. Double cover my a** by assuming he will NOT be here, but he makes a point of...hinting he is getting me a gift, saying he wants to spend a certain evening with me, then he doesn't and again I am hurt. I mean, I totally gave up on ever expecting him to respond to an invitation or plan I made. But now he goes out of his way to make a plan and STILL doesn't show.
I won't say I don't know what to do. I know what to do, I'm just not sure I know how to do it. Because he will call and make all sorts of promises and plans, then he will disappear, then call again. My last boyfriend, and my ex, they disappeared, and I was able to keep myself from chasing them, but this time I think it might be different, because I think he will try to get back in. But maybe I grossly overestimate my wonderfulness, and he won't look back either.
I know that I am in this situation. 2000 miles from family, friends, home, stuff, pets, etc. due to my own choices in life. He is my best friend here. How sad is that? That is the best I can do is a man who treats me that way? And now I have to wake up and realize that I have no boyfriend, no best friend. That is a very useful, but very painful Christmas present.
I am going to go on with my very simple plans for this day. And tomorrow I think I will take some of the Christmas money my mother sent me and buy myself a watch. And I don't think there needs to be any dramatic break up with him, because I think he will slither away on his own.
And I need to confess the totality of my stupidity. On Thanksgiving Day, after dinner, he left with the implication that he'd come back later for dessert. He turned off his phone, ignored me online and I did not hear from him until four days later. He'd been doing a little experimentation with the pain pills he got after than dental work.
To my credit. I had not waited around for him, for dessert or anything else about the weekend. I went out of town and did what I wanted to do on my own. But I did take him back, etc. Here I stand again.
I need to get out of the house today. I need to push forward alone. I am so hurt right now, but I KNEW he was totally unreliable, this time the hurt comes because I let myself down. I pretended, again, that he could be there for me.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You have control.
You can get off this ride anytime.
And you will!
When you are ready, you will remove yourself from this toxic relationship.
One thing that may help you is to stop listening to his words and look at his actions. He has mastered the ism's of addiction and knows how to say the things you want to believe. Yet, his actions do not match his words.
I hope you get yourself a watch that sparkles!
It can remind you of your future - sparkling with newness and love for self!
(and a side note: your future partner can still buy you a watch when you already have a nice one - because each watch can have unique qualities)
You can get off this ride anytime.
And you will!
When you are ready, you will remove yourself from this toxic relationship.
One thing that may help you is to stop listening to his words and look at his actions. He has mastered the ism's of addiction and knows how to say the things you want to believe. Yet, his actions do not match his words.
I hope you get yourself a watch that sparkles!
It can remind you of your future - sparkling with newness and love for self!
(and a side note: your future partner can still buy you a watch when you already have a nice one - because each watch can have unique qualities)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
Please know that there are others out here even today, and yes, today does make it even harder. You only are alone physically.
A week ago..my xabf sat at my table, near tears, admitting how he screwed up our relationship, and please, HOW could he make amends? He WANTED ME back in his life. And, oh..he wanted to get me a gift for Christmas, too.
People here know the routine.
3 days later..he is drunk, on the phone, screaming at me that I am "useless" among other things, and he is gonna stay drunk and screw every girl from here to Chicago. After he calmed down, he called me a few more times (to say hello but no apology for the outburst). He and the other woman have talked and they are settling their differences.
People here know the routine.
Yesterday.. I baked, since cookies/brownies were all I could afford for gifts, including making him a plate. His brother died at Christmas, years ago, and I simply was making the effort to be kind, and have a scrap of Christmas to divert him. I called him a couple of times. He called back late..but had to cut the call short, to walk her new dog for her. Didn't call back like he said he would. Could not make the effort to come here (we live in same bldg) for just 5 minutes to accept my small offering or wish me Merry Christmas.
People here know the routine. I KNOW the routine. YOU know the routine.
If all we have today is our self respect, that is the greatest blessing we can give ourselves. I am grateful for every time he pulls this kind of stunt, since it validates what kind of person he REALLY is.
A week ago..my xabf sat at my table, near tears, admitting how he screwed up our relationship, and please, HOW could he make amends? He WANTED ME back in his life. And, oh..he wanted to get me a gift for Christmas, too.
People here know the routine.
3 days later..he is drunk, on the phone, screaming at me that I am "useless" among other things, and he is gonna stay drunk and screw every girl from here to Chicago. After he calmed down, he called me a few more times (to say hello but no apology for the outburst). He and the other woman have talked and they are settling their differences.
People here know the routine.
Yesterday.. I baked, since cookies/brownies were all I could afford for gifts, including making him a plate. His brother died at Christmas, years ago, and I simply was making the effort to be kind, and have a scrap of Christmas to divert him. I called him a couple of times. He called back late..but had to cut the call short, to walk her new dog for her. Didn't call back like he said he would. Could not make the effort to come here (we live in same bldg) for just 5 minutes to accept my small offering or wish me Merry Christmas.
People here know the routine. I KNOW the routine. YOU know the routine.
If all we have today is our self respect, that is the greatest blessing we can give ourselves. I am grateful for every time he pulls this kind of stunt, since it validates what kind of person he REALLY is.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 21
though my bf has been doing christmas/birthday presents lately, and will bring me my favorite soda or snack regularly, I feel the same way when i look at my situation. i am miles and miles away from my own family and any friends I may have had left, and I'm here due to him. He has been my best friend, not because he's any kind of good friend, but because he's all I've had. And i've learned not to rely on him for anything. Anything. Sure, I still stupidly expect him to behave like a normal, considerate boyfriend, but when he doesn't, deep down I am not surprised.
Right now, we are supposed to be leaving on a trip to my moms for christmas, three hours away. We are supposed to be in the car in 30 minutes, and once again, he's still sleeping, and yelling at me for trying to wake him up. He drank last night even though I asked him not to. Big surprise. This is a scene that has repeated itself for every kind of event we've ever had to go to. I do all the preparation, I get my son up, get him ready, get myself ready, pack everything, and he's either still sleeping or laying around half naked watching basketball/football videos on the computer while he's supposed to be getting himself ready.
Tomorrow i will be having the big talk with him, I wanted to wait until after christmas. I had a talk with him the day after thanksgiving, and got the same old promises of change. I've been dropping hints and telling him directly quite regularly, stupidly hoping to get him to see that I'm ready for a change in my life and if he wants to be in it he has to shape up. Well, he never takes me seriously, so tonight I'm giving him one big, serious as can be talk in a quiet place were he can't be distracted by football or basketball. I know, I likely won't get through to him, it's just for my own peace of mind, knowing I warned him.
I may not be physically alone today but I will feel just as alone nonetheless. I will be with my family but they are all busy with their own lives and don't have time or understanding for my problems. I'll keep in mind though, that there are many other men and women in similar situations, and keep them all in my thoughts.
I hope you really do make today for yourself and remember you are much better off as your own best friend.
Right now, we are supposed to be leaving on a trip to my moms for christmas, three hours away. We are supposed to be in the car in 30 minutes, and once again, he's still sleeping, and yelling at me for trying to wake him up. He drank last night even though I asked him not to. Big surprise. This is a scene that has repeated itself for every kind of event we've ever had to go to. I do all the preparation, I get my son up, get him ready, get myself ready, pack everything, and he's either still sleeping or laying around half naked watching basketball/football videos on the computer while he's supposed to be getting himself ready.
Tomorrow i will be having the big talk with him, I wanted to wait until after christmas. I had a talk with him the day after thanksgiving, and got the same old promises of change. I've been dropping hints and telling him directly quite regularly, stupidly hoping to get him to see that I'm ready for a change in my life and if he wants to be in it he has to shape up. Well, he never takes me seriously, so tonight I'm giving him one big, serious as can be talk in a quiet place were he can't be distracted by football or basketball. I know, I likely won't get through to him, it's just for my own peace of mind, knowing I warned him.
I may not be physically alone today but I will feel just as alone nonetheless. I will be with my family but they are all busy with their own lives and don't have time or understanding for my problems. I'll keep in mind though, that there are many other men and women in similar situations, and keep them all in my thoughts.
I hope you really do make today for yourself and remember you are much better off as your own best friend.
Grateful to be free
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I went on a long hike. And I was thinking...and I received a few "Merry Christmas" texts, and I called my parents and my sponsor. And, of course no word from ABF...and I was thinking what I might say to him if/when I hear from him, or see him. We work in the same store. But I already know there is no point in saying anything. Anything that I would say has been said repeatedly over the course of the last year.
As it was suggested above, stop listening to his words and look at his actions. I need to stop saying words he won't hear, and act instead.
Thanks for the responses I really need to have someone talking me through this.
The hike was no less beautiful for him not being there, the nice cheese and bread I bought for us to share was just as tasty without him, and well, more chocolate for me!
I hope everyone has a lovely day.
As it was suggested above, stop listening to his words and look at his actions. I need to stop saying words he won't hear, and act instead.
Thanks for the responses I really need to have someone talking me through this.
The hike was no less beautiful for him not being there, the nice cheese and bread I bought for us to share was just as tasty without him, and well, more chocolate for me!
I hope everyone has a lovely day.
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