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30 plus days off of DOC but haven't really been sober...

Old 12-24-2011, 06:27 AM
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30 plus days off of DOC but haven't really been sober...

So here it goes...5 year almost daily user of opiates. Really not only was I a daily opiate user but also recreational ANYTHING user. alcohol, cocaine, if it was around I did it.. The opiates definitely took over, extremely bad back so easily prescribed. When the prescriptions ran out which they always did I would buy off the street. Over the years it got worse and worse, but I was functional. Never lost my job, never missed work, never did jail time, nobody every knew. Finally in January of 2009 I ran out of pills and was caught stealing. This was a huge huge huge embarrassment for me since I my world that I existed in didn't know that I had this double life. I panicked, withdrew from my family then claimed I was seeking help (which I wasn't and was still using opiates) then took a job overseas. Thinking I would get sober overseas? Yeah right. I was sober for a few weeks then found a pharmacy that delivered percocet RIGHT to my doorstep. Took that pretty far, abused a few pharmacies, then got a hospital that would prescribe 60 pills of 20mg oxy's ONCE A WEEK. I was popping those things like crazy...One day I ran out, the withdrawals hit me hard and FAST, came home from work and told my fiance...He had NO IDEA I was abusing opiates daily. I went clean, got pregnant, was attending NA and doing welll. Had the baby in December of 2011, fractured my pelvis during childbirth, and BAMB back on opiates. The whole cycle started all over again. Became a daily user, abusing, buying, blowing so much money all while being a mom and living life. The opiates I thought made me a better person???? They controlled my life. Everything about them had me so wrapped up it was sick. Literally sick. Fiance and I moved back overseas, got back in the same pharmacies, then the pharmacy catches on?? Cut me off, time to tell my fiance again. He is devastated, I feel like a failure and it goes on. I have now been off opiates since November 19, 2011. Not very long but I feel great not having that monkey on my back all the time. But have I really been sober? No. I have been chasing the high. Wether it is hash or booze, I haven't been sober. I have been telling myself that those other things aren't my DOC and I can control them, so its no big deal. But what is going to happen the day I start thinking about booze or bud, or cold medicine or sleeping pills the same way I thought about opiates? I am an addict. I am powerless against any substance that alters my brain, so why am I using those other things? Why am I so afraid to let go of everything?
For years I look at others and wish I could be like them. Wish that I could be normal. I can be normal, I just have to be normal without altering my brain function. I do know that 99% percent chance I am not going to be 100% sober without some outside help. Even though I don't feel like I have reasons to medicate (no bad childhood, excellent job, good family, beautiful child, healthy etc) I choose to medicate and it is something I think about all day. For some reason I just want to escape feeling normal. While my mom is an addict and alcoholic, her mom died from the disease, her grandmother did as well, I always said I WOULD NEVER EVER be like my mom. HA HA I am exactly LIKE HER> Exactly. So will I break the cycle? The question lies. Will I stay opiate free but pick up other drugs and make excuses or will I really face the truth and get clean. I wanted to be honest with SR since I am saying I am sober but I am not really. I even had two beers at our Christmas even dinner tonight. I was out on Thursday night with friends and one of my friends slipped a bag of coke in my pocket. Did I take it out and say no thanks??? NOPE I did it. And I continued to do it, and I enjoyed every bit. I came home late, felt like crap yesterday and the shame was so strong I wanted to get pills. I know why I can't party like I used too, because it makes me feel like a worthless piece of you know what the next day. Nothing good comes of partying. Yes, I laugh and think I bond with everyone, but that is not the bonding I want anymore. I am a mother and need to think about my future. So the question stands, will I step up and really be clean? Will I get the help I need to learn why I always want to be high? I am powerless. I am better than this and will change. Here marks the new journey. Day one starts tomorrow. Thank you for listening.... Merry Christmas!!!
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Old 12-24-2011, 06:56 AM
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Hi icandoit12,

I am going to speak to you this morning as a mother.

I rarely do this, because I am into AVRT and self empowerment and the whole gig, and I know from my own personal experience with addiction that quitting drugs for anyone but yourself is usually going to fail.

But your words tell me this might mean something to you.

You describe breaking the pattern of addiction, breaking the cycle your family has shown to be a fatal one, starting with you.

But it isn't starting with you. It's starting with your child. You've already done the deed. It isn't really TOO late for you, but it certainly isn't too late for your child.

Barring genetics, which you've already passed to your child, you CAN break the cycle where your child sees only an addiction pattern as the "normal" way to do things.

Yeah, I know, you don't "do" anything in front of your child. But children don't learn just from direct imitation. They learn coping behaviors from you in ways you never intend. If you had good coping skills, you would be demonstrating them by now. Kids in drug homes learn drug coping behaviors, even when they don't "see" the actual drugs before their eyes. Ways to handle anger, ways to handle elation, ways to handle grief, ways to handle success, ways to handle failure. All of it. You aren't even aware you are doing it by now, but you are demonstrating a pattern of behavior to your child that is going to become the "normal" way to live. These behaviors go deeper than just not using in front of your child. You ARE using in front of your child -- you are "using" coping skills that are drug addict coping skills.

I've talked about this before on this forum, specifically about why abused women continue to seek abusive relationships. Drug behaviors go the same way. Most abused women come from abusive homes. Why don't they run as far away from abusers as far and fast as they can? Because humans naturally and predictably seek equilibrium. They seek equilibrium even when it is painful and bad. They seek it because it is what they know. They seek it because it is the way they know how to live, because it has become the line of least resistance. It's not so complicated, really.

Break the cycle now, and break it for your child. I hope your child is still very young, because sometimes we learn these things too late to make a difference. You see adults getting clean all the time who have already raised kids who are now just like they were, abusing drugs at a young age, getting into trouble at a young age, having babies too young, sabotaging their own future.

I hope you do this.

Personally, as I said, I am all about self-empowerment. I don't go in for the "I am powerless" crap. I get flack for that on this forum sometimes, so I don't butt into 12 step threads and make noise. I generally stay in my own backyard.

But you are NOT powerless in my opinion. I don't mind surrendering to the higher power thing, but if that is your thing, understand that your higher power has given you the power to control your behavior. Decide to be a non-substance-abuser once and for all, and after that, all decisions whether to use or not become very simple.

Merry Christmas. You CAN do it, like your name implies.

FT
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:07 AM
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icandoit12:

As another mother, I'm going to give a big "DITTO" to everything failedtaper wrote. Every syllable.
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Old 12-24-2011, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by icandoit12 View Post
While my mom is an addict and alcoholic, her mom died from the disease, her grandmother did as well, I always said I WOULD NEVER EVER be like my mom. HA HA I am exactly LIKE HER> Exactly. So will I break the cycle? The question lies.
That was me, exactly. I determined to be 'not like my mother' who was an alcoholic. But, in hindsight, I had no direction except to be not like her. So, I found myself, in my mid-forties, lost and unfulfilled. I had no idea what I DID want, and the ensuing depression led to alcoholism. And, yes, I was exactly like my mother.

On the upside, I did stop the cycle in my family, and you can too. Believe in yourself.
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Old 12-24-2011, 01:58 PM
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Failed Taper, THANK YOU FOR ALL OF YOUR WORDS. My daughter is one year old, so it is not too late. I needed to hear all of that, and really appreciate you writing to me. Most of that I never even thought about. As for the powerless stuff, you are right on that too, I am not powerless because i can quit. i will quit. Thanks again.
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Old 12-24-2011, 02:03 PM
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I'll be your cheering squad any time!

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Old 12-24-2011, 07:00 PM
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I totally agree with what FT said about us passing on our coping skills to our children even if they don't see us use. I am having to deal with those consequences with my son. He didn't know I had been using most of this year until I came clean with my family almost a month ago. Now he is seeing a therapist to learn how to deal with his anxiety. He is 8 and I hope we can now give him the tools to deal with everyday life. Basically, he and I are learning together. Children are like sponges. They see all that we do, good and bad.
Also, try not to beat yourself up too much. They see that also.
God bless.
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Old 12-25-2011, 01:03 AM
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some great advice here - I'm not even going to try to add to it except to say you can do it, Icandoit

D
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