Did I do the right thing?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 1
Did I do the right thing?
Hi everyone I'm new here and I need some advice. I am the wife of a cocaine addict, recently his addiction has gotten to the point where we have little food all the bills are overdue and the gas has been cut off, not to mention he owes money to dealers. I have tried so hard to get him help but nothing has changed. Right now I'm lying in a hostel bed because I couldn't live there anymore, and I have not a penny to my name due to his addiction. But I can't help worrying about him I'm scared his dealers will hurt him, he'll starve, die etc. On top of all this he's a type 1 diabetic, I feel so guilty for leaving him with nothing. Please give me some advice as to what I can do or what you would do. I'm sorry this is so long but I appreciate any reponses I get.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Philadelphia, Pa
Posts: 16
I just ended a relationship with a crack addict less than a week ago. It was REALLY bad. He took everything I had. It got to the point where I just didn't buy anything of value. No flat screen tv's, no DVD's no digital camera. He sold my laptop a few days after I bought it and I had to buy it back. Funny thing is that I kicked him out because I found out he was cheating, not because of drugs. I can tell you that it will get worse if you go back. I wish I had the strength you had to leave. I used to worry when he was out there even if he took my things but of course anger is keeping me from caring at this point.
Please do not feel guilty. I would rather leave him with nothing than leave him with something for him to use as a tool to get high. He needs to be with nothing anything you do to "help" will just enable him longer. I know that it is confusing but the addiction becomes a part of us too and we become just as insane. You are doing better than you think!
Please do not feel guilty. I would rather leave him with nothing than leave him with something for him to use as a tool to get high. He needs to be with nothing anything you do to "help" will just enable him longer. I know that it is confusing but the addiction becomes a part of us too and we become just as insane. You are doing better than you think!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: California
Posts: 99
"But I can't help worrying about him I'm scared his dealers will hurt him, he'll starve, die etc."
You did the right thing and I hope you put one foot in front of the other and keep going in this direction. I must have spent 30 nights in hotel rooms off and on in the last 8 months of our relationship before I finally moved out. During that time I always went back.. and it always got worse. Honey.. I'm scared the dealers will hurt YOU... you didn't have any food so I'm worried that YOU won't eat. Now you don't have any money "because of his addiction..." Here's what happened to me.. he was on a downward spiral whether I was with him or not He will eat, not eat, take care of his diabetes whether you are there or not. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You cannot save him.. but you CAN SAVE YOURSELF. What's the point if both of you are broke and hungry? And you've lost your mind and your self-esteem on top of it (that's where I was headed).
Your concern is really about control.. and you have NO CONTROL. Please read the step study forum.. step one.. "I am powerless over his addiction" and read Codependent No More and get yourself to an Al Anon Meeting. Good luck and my prayers are with you. As I sit here.. my husband is ten years deep into his addiction with a few months/sometimes years of sobriety here and there but no recovery. It's breaking my heart to type this... his addiction is more important than me.. it didn't matter if I stayed or left.. if we got married.. got divorced... he would just continue to use.... maybe stop for awhile, maybe hide it.. but always back to the drugs. Take care of you... it's all you can do. If he gets better.. his recovery is his.. he will find it, manage it..he will get help on his own. Let him go and let him have the dignity of managing his own life, his food, his medicine... and hopefully his recovery. Hugs...
You did the right thing and I hope you put one foot in front of the other and keep going in this direction. I must have spent 30 nights in hotel rooms off and on in the last 8 months of our relationship before I finally moved out. During that time I always went back.. and it always got worse. Honey.. I'm scared the dealers will hurt YOU... you didn't have any food so I'm worried that YOU won't eat. Now you don't have any money "because of his addiction..." Here's what happened to me.. he was on a downward spiral whether I was with him or not He will eat, not eat, take care of his diabetes whether you are there or not. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. You cannot save him.. but you CAN SAVE YOURSELF. What's the point if both of you are broke and hungry? And you've lost your mind and your self-esteem on top of it (that's where I was headed).
Your concern is really about control.. and you have NO CONTROL. Please read the step study forum.. step one.. "I am powerless over his addiction" and read Codependent No More and get yourself to an Al Anon Meeting. Good luck and my prayers are with you. As I sit here.. my husband is ten years deep into his addiction with a few months/sometimes years of sobriety here and there but no recovery. It's breaking my heart to type this... his addiction is more important than me.. it didn't matter if I stayed or left.. if we got married.. got divorced... he would just continue to use.... maybe stop for awhile, maybe hide it.. but always back to the drugs. Take care of you... it's all you can do. If he gets better.. his recovery is his.. he will find it, manage it..he will get help on his own. Let him go and let him have the dignity of managing his own life, his food, his medicine... and hopefully his recovery. Hugs...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
welcome to S.R. go to the top of the forum & read "what addicts do." when u live with an addict u have to lock everything up, hide your pocketbook. make sure your money is in the the bank in your name only. they are all about the drug. read around here & u will learn alot. go to meetings. learn the 3c's,you did not CAUSE it, you can not CONTROL it & you can not CURE it. the is nothing u can do. it is not your problem even tho u love them. why do u feel guilty? he is the one who has left u with nothing. find a meeting to go to. they help alot & keep coming back here. we care & i feel your pain. hugs & prayers,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
YES! You did the right thing, both for yourself and for him.
You say you feel guilty for leaving him with nothing. How do you think you came to feel that you were responsible for providing another adult with anything?
What I would do now is make a list of the things you need to do for yourself, prioritize the list and get started on it. Food, Shelter and Safety first. Do you have a job or need to find one? How long can you stay at the Hostel? Are they feeding you? Do you have friends or family that you can stay with for a while? If you need help locating resources to help in your area, let us know.
And definitely find a meeting, as Hope213 suggested.
You say you feel guilty for leaving him with nothing. How do you think you came to feel that you were responsible for providing another adult with anything?
What I would do now is make a list of the things you need to do for yourself, prioritize the list and get started on it. Food, Shelter and Safety first. Do you have a job or need to find one? How long can you stay at the Hostel? Are they feeding you? Do you have friends or family that you can stay with for a while? If you need help locating resources to help in your area, let us know.
And definitely find a meeting, as Hope213 suggested.
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