Do I stay or do I go???
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Do I stay or do I go???
I just joined, I have been reading the posts for a bit and it's been really helpful. I'm just very confused....in general. been with my AH for 10 years, we have a beautiful 2 yr old. I so much want to do the 'right thing' but what that actually is seems to change daily. I'm scared to leave and be on my own, I feel like I'd be the bad guy for tearing apart our family, taking our son away from his daddy. i've gone to some alanon meetings, haven't found the right fit. I have been learning a lot about alcoholism. i'm just torn about what to do....i know logically that i can't change him but what i feel is a different story. i'm just on an emotional rollercoaster and i haven't bothered bringing up his drinking because all it does it get us fighting, doesn't get anywhere. i've done the usual co-dependant stuff of threatening to leave and not doing it etc. i'm really wanting to learn how to stop doing the co-dependant things i've been doing. i really want to protect my son, i fear for him becoming an alcoholic like his father and grandfather. i second guess myself and it's like i can feel the denial trying to creep back in and tell me it's all ok and normal. sorry for the rambling post, i just don't know what to do anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
If you had to advise a good friend in your situation, what would you say?
I find it helps to remove the emotions from the situation if you consider it from the outside.
I was in your shoes, except that my DD was 13 months old when I started to see that she was becoming like her half-brother...she was afraid of her father. AND she was a girl...my XAH had an intense hatred for women...to them they were all wh0res. I couldn't imagine bringing her up with him. It wouldn't be long before he'd treat her the way he treated me, and it wouldn't be long after that that she would start choosing partners very much like her father. I couldn't let that happen.
In your situation, I would strongly suggest considering your options on paper. Look at how feasible it will be to leave. Make a budget. See about apartment costs. Think logistics. It may help you alleviate some of your fears.
As for guilt, try to remember that you aren't the one who poured the booze down his throat and got him to drink. He did that all by himself. What happens after is a direct consequence of his CHOICE.
I find it helps to remove the emotions from the situation if you consider it from the outside.
I was in your shoes, except that my DD was 13 months old when I started to see that she was becoming like her half-brother...she was afraid of her father. AND she was a girl...my XAH had an intense hatred for women...to them they were all wh0res. I couldn't imagine bringing her up with him. It wouldn't be long before he'd treat her the way he treated me, and it wouldn't be long after that that she would start choosing partners very much like her father. I couldn't let that happen.
In your situation, I would strongly suggest considering your options on paper. Look at how feasible it will be to leave. Make a budget. See about apartment costs. Think logistics. It may help you alleviate some of your fears.
As for guilt, try to remember that you aren't the one who poured the booze down his throat and got him to drink. He did that all by himself. What happens after is a direct consequence of his CHOICE.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Pixie Girl, I am in a VERY similar situation as you are. I too, have a son who is turning 2 in January. I get guilt trips from him and his mom whenever I mention that he needs to stop drinking or I will move out. His mom is an A too, and like him, won't admit it. Everything they do together focuses on alcohol, but I am CRAZY. LOL. I have been on this site for a couple months now, and I feel strongest when I visit it daily because it is a reminder of the pain that I go through on a daily basis and it helps so much to feel not so alone.
My mom knows about my A and so do my friends and family and they all support me when I am ready to go. At this point, it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can go to them anymore because we ALL know that the decision is mine to leave and I don't want to burden them with my feelings anymore. This site is AWESOME for being able to get information, see patterns very similar to mine and to just being able to vent.
Detaching starts to come, in my opinion, once you just give up the denial. I am out of denial. Finally, YEAH! I KNOW he is not going to quit until he is ready. I realize he may someday but am not willing to wait around for that and have my son damaged more than he already has been by seeing so much arguing and so much anxiety between mom/dad. We don't kiss, hold hands and are just in general, not intimate. I try telling him I can't any longer because of the addictions and he can't accept it. He's just not ready. Until they are ready, it won't get better.
What I have done is start to focus on me. I don't let myself get dragged into arguments. I try VERY hard not to pick fights about his drinking anymore. I kind of did last night when I laughed about him going to the liquor store, but I caught myself and went back to what I was doing. I also have made a spreadsheet where I monitor my savings goals, have a date set for moving out and am paying off my two credit cards to lighten the load once I move out.
You will learn here, that you DON'T have to make a decision today. The most important thing for me has been becoming aware of how I have been duped in this relationship by my boyfriend and his enabling mother who keeps pushing me (more than he does) to stay in this whacked out relationship.
Just my thoughts and .02. Keep coming here! I think I will be around for awhile. If you ever need to talk, send me a message!
My mom knows about my A and so do my friends and family and they all support me when I am ready to go. At this point, it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can go to them anymore because we ALL know that the decision is mine to leave and I don't want to burden them with my feelings anymore. This site is AWESOME for being able to get information, see patterns very similar to mine and to just being able to vent.
Detaching starts to come, in my opinion, once you just give up the denial. I am out of denial. Finally, YEAH! I KNOW he is not going to quit until he is ready. I realize he may someday but am not willing to wait around for that and have my son damaged more than he already has been by seeing so much arguing and so much anxiety between mom/dad. We don't kiss, hold hands and are just in general, not intimate. I try telling him I can't any longer because of the addictions and he can't accept it. He's just not ready. Until they are ready, it won't get better.
What I have done is start to focus on me. I don't let myself get dragged into arguments. I try VERY hard not to pick fights about his drinking anymore. I kind of did last night when I laughed about him going to the liquor store, but I caught myself and went back to what I was doing. I also have made a spreadsheet where I monitor my savings goals, have a date set for moving out and am paying off my two credit cards to lighten the load once I move out.
You will learn here, that you DON'T have to make a decision today. The most important thing for me has been becoming aware of how I have been duped in this relationship by my boyfriend and his enabling mother who keeps pushing me (more than he does) to stay in this whacked out relationship.
Just my thoughts and .02. Keep coming here! I think I will be around for awhile. If you ever need to talk, send me a message!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Pixie Girl, I am in a VERY similar situation as you are. I too, have a son who is turning 2 in January. I get guilt trips from him and his mom whenever I mention that he needs to stop drinking or I will move out. His mom is an A too, and like him, won't admit it. Everything they do together focuses on alcohol, but I am CRAZY. LOL. I have been on this site for a couple months now, and I feel strongest when I visit it daily because it is a reminder of the pain that I go through on a daily basis and it helps so much to feel not so alone.
My mom knows about my A and so do my friends and family and they all support me when I am ready to go. At this point, it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can go to them anymore because we ALL know that the decision is mine to leave and I don't want to burden them with my feelings anymore. This site is AWESOME for being able to get information, see patterns very similar to mine and to just being able to vent.
Detaching starts to come, in my opinion, once you just give up the denial. I am out of denial. Finally, YEAH! I KNOW he is not going to quit until he is ready. I realize he may someday but am not willing to wait around for that and have my son damaged more than he already has been by seeing so much arguing and so much anxiety between mom/dad. We don't kiss, hold hands and are just in general, not intimate. I try telling him I can't any longer because of the addictions and he can't accept it. He's just not ready. Until they are ready, it won't get better.
What I have done is start to focus on me. I don't let myself get dragged into arguments. I try VERY hard not to pick fights about his drinking anymore. I kind of did last night when I laughed about him going to the liquor store, but I caught myself and went back to what I was doing. I also have made a spreadsheet where I monitor my savings goals, have a date set for moving out and am paying off my two credit cards to lighten the load once I move out.
You will learn here, that you DON'T have to make a decision today. The most important thing for me has been becoming aware of how I have been duped in this relationship by my boyfriend and his enabling mother who keeps pushing me (more than he does) to stay in this whacked out relationship.
Just my thoughts and .02. Keep coming here! I think I will be around for awhile. If you ever need to talk, send me a message!
My mom knows about my A and so do my friends and family and they all support me when I am ready to go. At this point, it is only a matter of time. On the other hand, I don't feel like I can go to them anymore because we ALL know that the decision is mine to leave and I don't want to burden them with my feelings anymore. This site is AWESOME for being able to get information, see patterns very similar to mine and to just being able to vent.
Detaching starts to come, in my opinion, once you just give up the denial. I am out of denial. Finally, YEAH! I KNOW he is not going to quit until he is ready. I realize he may someday but am not willing to wait around for that and have my son damaged more than he already has been by seeing so much arguing and so much anxiety between mom/dad. We don't kiss, hold hands and are just in general, not intimate. I try telling him I can't any longer because of the addictions and he can't accept it. He's just not ready. Until they are ready, it won't get better.
What I have done is start to focus on me. I don't let myself get dragged into arguments. I try VERY hard not to pick fights about his drinking anymore. I kind of did last night when I laughed about him going to the liquor store, but I caught myself and went back to what I was doing. I also have made a spreadsheet where I monitor my savings goals, have a date set for moving out and am paying off my two credit cards to lighten the load once I move out.
You will learn here, that you DON'T have to make a decision today. The most important thing for me has been becoming aware of how I have been duped in this relationship by my boyfriend and his enabling mother who keeps pushing me (more than he does) to stay in this whacked out relationship.
Just my thoughts and .02. Keep coming here! I think I will be around for awhile. If you ever need to talk, send me a message!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Pixiegirl, welcome to the SR family, so glad you found us, this is a great place to come if you need to vent, need propping up on a low day, need a hug, etc.
Please go over to the ACOA forum and read the 13 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics as well as some of our stories about growing up with an alcoholic, I believe your are on the money in thinking about how this will affect your son.
Sorry for the short post but battling carpal tunnel today and the wrist brace is slowing me down.
If you want to talk I'll be there,
Bill
Please go over to the ACOA forum and read the 13 characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics as well as some of our stories about growing up with an alcoholic, I believe your are on the money in thinking about how this will affect your son.
Sorry for the short post but battling carpal tunnel today and the wrist brace is slowing me down.
If you want to talk I'll be there,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't want to tell you what to do.
I can tell you that I considered leaving my AH the first time when I was pregnant with our first child. I stuck it out for another 19 years. Which left me with three amazing, wonderful children who all have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and have probably quite a few years of counseling in front of them.
Do I regret not leaving the first time I thought about it? Hard question. If I had left then, my two younger children would not be here. I do wish I had left before it got as bad as it did. I think if I had left earlier, not only would I and the children have been healthier -- my AXH might have had a better chance at getting sober, too.
As it stands, the kids and I are improving every day. AXH? Will probably drink himself to death.
I can tell you that I considered leaving my AH the first time when I was pregnant with our first child. I stuck it out for another 19 years. Which left me with three amazing, wonderful children who all have been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and have probably quite a few years of counseling in front of them.
Do I regret not leaving the first time I thought about it? Hard question. If I had left then, my two younger children would not be here. I do wish I had left before it got as bad as it did. I think if I had left earlier, not only would I and the children have been healthier -- my AXH might have had a better chance at getting sober, too.
As it stands, the kids and I are improving every day. AXH? Will probably drink himself to death.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 54
Thank you so much for listening and giving your thoughts! It helps so much to know I'm really not alone in this. I will definitely be coming back here regularly. my AH is a functioning A and in complete and utter denial, I feel he is a very long way from getting better.
I like the idea of thinking about what I would say to a friend...I'm pretty sure I know the answer. I had been in denial myself for the past year,(this has always been an issue) then somehow last week I just snapped out of it but I've been a bit of an emotional wreck since then. We have a new house, which adds to the stress of what to do if I leave. I know I can go to my mom's with my son....so I think I should probably have a bag of extra stuff for us kept in my car.
I like the idea of thinking about what I would say to a friend...I'm pretty sure I know the answer. I had been in denial myself for the past year,(this has always been an issue) then somehow last week I just snapped out of it but I've been a bit of an emotional wreck since then. We have a new house, which adds to the stress of what to do if I leave. I know I can go to my mom's with my son....so I think I should probably have a bag of extra stuff for us kept in my car.
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