Gabriel

Well, I finally went and did it. Since September, I have been working with someone who has refused to send me files, only to ask for my work, ignore emails I send, and keep things secretive. At times I feel as though I was being a bother from the number of questions I would ask, just to get all of the specifics.

I realize that I like to communicate and some people do not know how, but the last straw was leaving me out of the Christmas party. Other co-workers said it may be out of jealousy but I try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sure, she said she would call or write to collaborate and never did. Others even felt that when she spoke to them, they were left feeling guilty for things they never did.

Last week, I had a long talk with my director at work and tonight spoke to my co-worker, who has been doing all of this. Apparently, someone said her problem was both a personality and communication difficulty. Tonight, when I talked to her, I was kind and basically said, "If we communicate, we will be on the same page and everyone will benefit." "Um, ok....", she replied, as if I was speaking in gibberish.

I think this is another reason/trigger why I stayed drunk...not only to stand up for myself but also to not feel guilty about doing it. Now, I feel bad that I ever said anything. She works several jobs but so do I. Drinking alcohol, in some weird way, kept me from thinking that I did the wrong thing in the aftermath. It gave me a backbone and now I feel as though my emotions are up and down, ever since quitting.

Anyone else ever felt this way? Has anyone felt as if they made excuses for why someone was not treating them fairly?

~Gabriel

Sapling

If they were excuses to drink...You bet I did...

VoiceinmyHead

Good for you, standing up for yourslf. I work in an environment where I have very little in common with my peers and I really have to watch my own back! I used to avoid confrontation by drinking as well. But nice "guys" usuallly do finish last if they do not stand up for themselves. Now I am standing up to something even harder and so far I am winning the daily battles.

yo466

Don't feel guilty about standing up for yourself, you might feel bad about it at first because you think of yourself as a "nice person", but it will give you more self confidence in the long run.

I'm a little opposite in that I never stuck up for myself while I was drinking. I would drink to dull the shame I had for not doing it. Once I got sober I started to stick up for myself more, not being a jerk about it, just not letting people push me around. If someone wants to push you around, they will sense weakness and keep pushing until you so something about it. Usually my anger would grow until I totally exploded and sometimes that never even happened and I would feel very ashamed about it.

I never realized how low my self esteem and confidence had gotten until I stopped drinking and finally took a good look at my life and started to actually work on my weaknesses. It's long process, but I am finally starting to feel like a man, instead of a scared little kid in a man's body and you know what if other people don't like it they can kiss my ass. I've wasted so much time being a drunk that I don't have time to waste any more on what other people think.

Sapling

I like that....You doing this on your own?? AA? Just curious...Looking at our weaknesses is key

eJoshua

There's a big difference between being a kind and accepting person and letting people walk all over you. I think a lot of us aren't very good at making the distinction, though. I know that I have always tended to be too much of a people pleaser because I just want people to like me, but unfortunately it's often been at my own expense.

yo466

Sap-

I've been sober about 15 months now and it's mostly due to this website, support from some friends and seeing a therapist. I have never been to AA, it's just sort of not my thing. I have nothing against AA, it's just I did not feel comfortable in group settings at the start of my recovery and I found one on one support to me valuable and I've stuck with that plan.

Vigo

I feel your pain, man. It sucks having to work right next to someone who makes things harder for you, and it also makes no sense why people do it.

I just keep telling myself that I am lucky to have a job at all, and that some people have to put up with much worse working situations. Not only that, but eventually, this problem will take care of itself in one way or another.

Sapling

Cool....Keep doing what you're doing....Sounds like it's working really well for you. I'm kind of the opposite...The last few years of my drinking I immersed myself in isolation. You know alcoholics/addicts are the only people I know of that cure thier lonliness with isolation? I don't know....I guess I spent the better part of my life in rooms full of alcoholics...Why stop now. I get a real energy out of being around people that have been where I've been and want what I want. 15 months is awesome....Keep at it!

Dee74

I spent most of my life trying to avoid conflict and keeping people happy.
I definitely think drinking was one of my coping strategies for dealing with that.

Nowadays I'm much more aware of myself and my self worth, I've done the work and I'm comfortable with the man I am, and I'm much better at boundaries - and I never feel guilty when I'm doing it right because I know it's a healthy way to be.

D

Lily

Gabe,

I do totally understand where you are coming from. I love Dee's response. I think you were correct in going to your co-worker. But one thing you gotta remember, is you are only responsible for your behavior, not hers. You did your best to politely confront, but now the ball is in her court. You cannot control what she decides to do, you have to just let the chips fall where they may.

I have learned that I used to feel guilty in asking for what I wanted or what I needed. Most of the time I wouldn't be overly appologetic about even going to people with issues cuz I really "needed" everyone to like me.

today I get my sense of "you're okay" from my Higher power, not people who could give a rip.

I have heard before that addicts alcohlics are more sensitive than other folks, whatever the case, all I can do is keep my side of the street clean.

Lily

Gabriel

Wow, thank you everyone for your responses.

In reading them all a few 'key points' popped into my mind.

It is true that we are more sensitive than others and through our years of abusing a substance, we lose sight of our self worth, until we become sober and realize that we have buried it in a mind cemetary, somewhere. VoiceinMyHead spoke on that.

Another thing, which yo466 said, was feeling like a child trapped in a man's body. Whoa...I'm right there. I think one on one therapy is my best bet in order to let that feeling go. There is a root to that problem and I need to find it. Once again, alcohol made me a man and meanwhile, somewhere buried deep within me, was a young boy who did not want to let go.

Perhaps this comes from what eJoshua, Lily and Dee brought up....being too kind and having 'doormat' tattooed invisibly on my forehead. I'm still looking for that, btw. =) Someone mentioned having healthy boundaries and in the end, I did not have them. I find that this is the number one cause of my constant disappointment in people...they know they are taking advantage but I'm the one who allows it. That's just the fact. I never said, "no" or "I cannot do that, I'm busy" like so many others have, without any problem and now I'm setting those boundaries up. Funny part is that some folks are now saying, "what's wrong with him?" As if growing a spine was the shock of the century.

Yes, not everyone is going to like me and I am open about admitting it now because in the past, it was a struggle. My higher power tells me that if I focus on Him enough, nothing or no one else should matter in the grand scheme of things.

It is pointless to know that we need something and are too afraid to ask for it and when we do, apologize for asking and then apologize for apologizing. When I see the words I type, I think, "why would you allow yourself to be treated this way?" That's the person inside who I'm now allowing to come out, without the need for alcohol. Keeping it all in and hoping that drugs/alcohol will surpress it is dangerous, like a volcano. That stress and poison has eaten away at me for far too long.

Thanks for reminding me that I do have a job and that there are some in far worse predicaments. The ball is in her court and hey, if she doesn't pass it back, I did my part. That is what matters to me the most...as long as I have shown integrity, I have nothing to worry about and have facts to back me up. So, let's keep on fighting the good fight...that is far harder than anything I have come up against, and let the other chips fall where they may.

Thanks for your encouragement everyone!

Pigtails

Thank you for posting. I can relate in that I didn't/don't have a backbone and would feel guilty when standing up for myself. I think it was just a tactic to not have to face myself. I didn't know who I was and so I just became whoever everyone else wanted me to be, and when I asserted myself, I felt bad. Or I seemed to handle everything the wrong way and assert myself after too long of a time had passed when there was bad communication and inaction on my end and then it made what I was feeling/saying kind of moot because I had handled it so wrong for so long. Like, I added to my own problems and put blame on others so that I didn't have to look at myself.

I keep hearing a saying in AA that we will learn how to handle situations that used to baffle us, or something like that, and it really gives me hope. I really feel baffled when it comes to dealing with other people and with life and with problems that come up. I just turn inward and run away into alcohol. I feel I didn't allow my emotions to grow up, like I am immature and don't have the right tools to deal with life. I am trying to fix that, with 31 days sober and having dabbled in AA and now getting more serious about starting the program, I am hopeful I can become a new person.

I wish you the best, thanks again for sharing.

Threshold

Ah the things I do in order to avoid confrontation!

One of the things I keep reminding myself is "don't assign motives to other people's behaviors" I could spend weeks coming up with convoluted complicated stories and theories about why some other person acted as they did. All of it, essentially, as if their world an thinking somehow revolved around me. As if they made their decisions based on me and trying to control, manipulate or mess with me.

A great deal of the time I don't even know why I act as I do let alone why another person behaves as they do. But I am pretty sure that they do it for their own reasons, independent of me.

I am very very slowly dropping the habit of trying to figure out their behavior and starting the habit of taking a look at mine.

It is difficult because of course the choices and behaviors of others does have an effect on our lives. It matters if my coworkers or partner doesn't communicate, or follow through on decisions. IT is very frustrating when I am doing my best, to feel as though the action or inaction of another have rendered my efforts useless. UGH! Still, mine are the only actions I have any influence over.

Spending hours spinning tales about why they did this, didn't do that, are out to get me, etc was a great distraction, and let me off the hook of doing the right thing the next time...at least in my head.

I am finding out that the facts are a much more peaceful thing to deal with.

Most of the time, I was only trying to figure out what made them tick so I could use it to get them to do things MY way the next time. Time to drop the manipulation game.

Gabriel

Thank you PigTails and Threshold for your comments.

PigTails, you mentioned, "I really feel baffled when it comes to dealing with other people and with life and with problems that come up. I just turn inward and run away into alcohol. I feel I didn't allow my emotions to grow up, like I am immature and don't have the right tools to deal with life. I am trying to fix that, with 31 days sober and having dabbled in AA and now getting more serious about starting the program, I am hopeful I can become a new person."

I either feel baffled by society as a whole or disappointed in the way individuals (some of them) are able to put others down without involving their conscience. One of the most important things that you said was that you did not have the right tools. I am right there with you! I'm not trying to make that my excuse, but I really did not know how to put on a thick skin with certain personality types. Now, I am learning how to accomplish this. It can be tricky but possible and congrats to you on 31 days and becoming more serious about your decisions.

Threshold, you took the words out of my mouth when you said, "One of the things I keep reminding myself is "don't assign motives to other people's behaviors" I could spend weeks coming up with convoluted complicated stories and theories about why some other person acted as they did." That is what I do. Make excuses for someone else's behavior. "As if they are trying to control or manipulate me"....based on something I have done. Do you know, I once read an article that talked about how other people are not really thinking about us, and what we do, because they are caught up in their own worries about what their friends/neighbors are thinking about them. I have to remind myself of that, at times, in order to get out of my own thinking that everyone is against me. That somehow, even though we may have just met, they know I'm an alcoholic and are going to punish me for it.

I am going to think about your words of why you were trying to figure out how they ticked. Perhaps, I am trying to get the upper hand on them for the 'if and when' times that they may treat me the way I do not want to be treated. Either that, or lay down healthy boundaries in the beginning so I do not have to have those late night conversations with myself. Jeez, it really is a waste of energy to wonder about the motivations of others when I could really just use that energy in healthy growth for myself.