All I want is a tiny bit of peace
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 27
All I want is a tiny bit of peace
New here. I was browsing the site last night and thought I would sign up today. Hopefully to meet others and get some support, and possibly some peace in my messed up life. I could write a 10 book epic saga of my battles with alcohol, but I will try to keep it fairly short. I consider myself a very intelligent person, which is why it pisses me off that a substance can be smarter than I am. I've been severely addicted to alcohol since I was in grade 9, and I am now almost 30 years old. A few years ago, after some heavy drinking I got behind the wheel and got in an accident. One of my best friends was in the car with me and I almost killed him, and the driver of the other vehicle. Needless to say I went to jail for a good chunk of time. I went to rehab as part of my sentence and AA after I got out. I enrolled in college to try to get my life back on track, everything was going great as it could given my situation, or so I thought.
This past month has been the absolute worst in terms of blackouts. I keep it to the weekend as I have school during the week. Its only usually friday, because I am completely bed-ridden for the rest of the weekend. I always swear to myself I won't do it again, then next friday comes around and I SOMEHOW convince myself its ok if I have a few beers. You all know what those few beers lead to
. I have come to the realization that I've driven away all my friends, (actual friends, not those strangers at the bar you waste all your money on) have not been on a date in 7 years, and I'm putting my family through hell. Every single weekend in Nov. I sincerely thought I would never drink again. I can't trust myself even, no wonder no one else can. The only thing reliable about me is I cannot be relied upon. I'm not sure if I can consider yesterday my first day of sobriety because I was still wasted from friday, but I sure as hell didn't consume any intoxicants. Thanks for listening.
This past month has been the absolute worst in terms of blackouts. I keep it to the weekend as I have school during the week. Its only usually friday, because I am completely bed-ridden for the rest of the weekend. I always swear to myself I won't do it again, then next friday comes around and I SOMEHOW convince myself its ok if I have a few beers. You all know what those few beers lead to
. I have come to the realization that I've driven away all my friends, (actual friends, not those strangers at the bar you waste all your money on) have not been on a date in 7 years, and I'm putting my family through hell. Every single weekend in Nov. I sincerely thought I would never drink again. I can't trust myself even, no wonder no one else can. The only thing reliable about me is I cannot be relied upon. I'm not sure if I can consider yesterday my first day of sobriety because I was still wasted from friday, but I sure as hell didn't consume any intoxicants. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Flippt))) - welcome to SR!! This site, and the great people here, have been a huge part of my recovery. Something about "talking" to people who get us is a relief. You aren't alone.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome Flippt!
I never could understand it either - why did I keep doing the same thing to myself over and over? I'd wake up feeling miserable, totally determined not to drink and by afternoon I was driving to the liquor store.
Sometimes, our intelligence/determination can work against us, I think. We just know that we won't let it happen again, that we can control it, so we keep trying. The thing is, we're never really satisfied with a drink or two, so it's really pointless.
I'm sorry for what you've been through but I'm glad you're here - it's a great place!
I never could understand it either - why did I keep doing the same thing to myself over and over? I'd wake up feeling miserable, totally determined not to drink and by afternoon I was driving to the liquor store.
Sometimes, our intelligence/determination can work against us, I think. We just know that we won't let it happen again, that we can control it, so we keep trying. The thing is, we're never really satisfied with a drink or two, so it's really pointless.
I'm sorry for what you've been through but I'm glad you're here - it's a great place!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Randolph NJ
Posts: 70
Flipp-
My story is pretty similar to yours. I was an everyday getting wasted type of guy until I turned about 22 then I turned into a weekend binge guy. I just got in a cycle of getting wasted every weekend to "reward" myself for making it through the week fairly sober. That went on for another 13 years.
Actually it slowed me down from hitting the point where I quit, but I finally had enough. Mondays would be horrible, I would have the shakes, huge anxiety and paranoia. Then as the week went on I would feel better and the cycle would repeat itself.
I would say when you hit this coming Friday, just remind yourself how you felt today and motivate yourself not to drink just for one weekend and see how you make out. I guarantee you'll feel better and then you can take it from there.
You'll find a lot of support and advice here so keep posting and good luck.
My story is pretty similar to yours. I was an everyday getting wasted type of guy until I turned about 22 then I turned into a weekend binge guy. I just got in a cycle of getting wasted every weekend to "reward" myself for making it through the week fairly sober. That went on for another 13 years.
Actually it slowed me down from hitting the point where I quit, but I finally had enough. Mondays would be horrible, I would have the shakes, huge anxiety and paranoia. Then as the week went on I would feel better and the cycle would repeat itself.
I would say when you hit this coming Friday, just remind yourself how you felt today and motivate yourself not to drink just for one weekend and see how you make out. I guarantee you'll feel better and then you can take it from there.
You'll find a lot of support and advice here so keep posting and good luck.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,788
Welcome to the family.
Lots of support and useful information here. After trying and failing too many times I finally "got my mind right" and have been sober two years as of next Thursday. I love waking up feeling good most of the time and not waking up hating myself.
Lots of support and useful information here. After trying and failing too many times I finally "got my mind right" and have been sober two years as of next Thursday. I love waking up feeling good most of the time and not waking up hating myself. 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
Welcome Flippt! I never kept a single promise I made to myself while drinking. It wasn't until I stopped completely, that I could actually keep one. Happy you decided to join us.
Best Wishes To You!
Best Wishes To You!
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