Approaching 1 Year Sober
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 325
Approaching 1 Year Sober
One year ago today I was getting ready for a Christmas party where the wine would be flowing. I had been sick all week because I had drank so much the past weekend that I was still feeling the effects. The weekend before that, I had drank all night with a girlfriend who I would not see again on a romantic front because of my drinking. I was an emotional wreck because I was moving to a new city for a job I didn't want, but I had no other choice because my life was so unmanageable.
I had made such a mess of myself in my hometown that even my heavy drinking friends were worried about my drinking. A friend that could drink a handle of liquor in one night couldn't believe some of the things I was doing. Alcohol had a grip on my every action and I just couldn't stop the madness. I had started drinking in the mornings because I was so sick when I woke up from the blackouts from the night before. My friends and I used to laugh when one of us blacked out and didn't remember the night. No one was laughing much anymore. I was out of control and not making rational decisions. I was lashing out about my misfortunes with work and relationships. All I wanted was to feel normal, not sick, and not so sad all the time.
Alcohol had worked so many times before but there was nothing I could do to feel good again when drinking. I had already tried everything possible to find the fun part of drinking again. The part where it was easy to talk to girls, the part where I didn't have to worry about my problems, and the part where my life was enhanced by alcohol. Where had that gone? I was now blacking out and passing out multiple times even in a single day trying to find that. I was sick all day everyday. I was try to hide my condition from everyone but I couldn't even fool myself anymore. I had surrendered to alcohol and let it control my every move. I was lost on how anything was going to change and frankly I didn't care. I had completely forgotten that I needed to stay away from alcohol, but I didn't have any tools to do so.
My last night of drinking wasn't an abnormal night. I didn't go to jail, I didn't get into a fight, and I didn't make a fool of myself. I was choking down wine to try and feel good but it never came. I was at the party but I wasn't really there. I was talking to people but really entirely focused on my drinking. Who had I become? How many more times was I going to see if this time drinking would be different?
I drove home disgusted with myself. I was praying that I would just get home safe. I was angry. I was angry that again, for the millionth time, I had let alcohol into my life. I was still sick, I still had all my problems, and I was still sadder than ever. Drinking, again, didn't solve anything for me. I had been getting worse for a long time and I knew that it couldn't go on forever. Something would have to give.
I woke up on December 4th, 2010 in some sort of a fog. The kind of fog where my body is trying to tell me that something is not right. This time my brain was also telling me something was not right. That morning I had a moment of clarity. It was so clear that I needed to stop drinking. It was like I was a different person. A person who was logical again. Someone who finally saw what was good for them. I had a sense of relief that everything was going to be ok. I hadn't had relief like that in all my years drinking. I finally had the relief that I had been searching for in the bottle.
I don't know why I have been one of the lucky ones who finally got it. I don't know why certain people have been placed in my life to help me along the way. All I know is that when I started this journey on Dec 4th I knew I couldn't do it alone. I had failed working my own way too many times before. I had to accept the fact that maybe I didn't have all the answers.
I googled online about drinking and found SR. I dove right in and asked all the questions that only a newcomer would ask. I wasn't afraid of what others might think of me. I wasn't worried anymore what was best for me, because frankly I had no clue what was best for me. I knew I had to make serious changes if I wanted to get off the elevator before it hit the bottom.
To everyone who is still struggling: I feel your pain.
To everyone who is enjoying sobriety today: I feel your joy.
I wouldn't be here today without the help of all the members of SR. I hope to continue on my sober journey with all of the ups and downs that continue to happen. My problems didn't disappear after I got sober, but they got more manageable. I wasn't magically healthy. Not all of my relationships have been restored now that I'm in sobriety. What I've learned is that I am living what is called "life" and that is perfectly fine with me.
I had made such a mess of myself in my hometown that even my heavy drinking friends were worried about my drinking. A friend that could drink a handle of liquor in one night couldn't believe some of the things I was doing. Alcohol had a grip on my every action and I just couldn't stop the madness. I had started drinking in the mornings because I was so sick when I woke up from the blackouts from the night before. My friends and I used to laugh when one of us blacked out and didn't remember the night. No one was laughing much anymore. I was out of control and not making rational decisions. I was lashing out about my misfortunes with work and relationships. All I wanted was to feel normal, not sick, and not so sad all the time.
Alcohol had worked so many times before but there was nothing I could do to feel good again when drinking. I had already tried everything possible to find the fun part of drinking again. The part where it was easy to talk to girls, the part where I didn't have to worry about my problems, and the part where my life was enhanced by alcohol. Where had that gone? I was now blacking out and passing out multiple times even in a single day trying to find that. I was sick all day everyday. I was try to hide my condition from everyone but I couldn't even fool myself anymore. I had surrendered to alcohol and let it control my every move. I was lost on how anything was going to change and frankly I didn't care. I had completely forgotten that I needed to stay away from alcohol, but I didn't have any tools to do so.
My last night of drinking wasn't an abnormal night. I didn't go to jail, I didn't get into a fight, and I didn't make a fool of myself. I was choking down wine to try and feel good but it never came. I was at the party but I wasn't really there. I was talking to people but really entirely focused on my drinking. Who had I become? How many more times was I going to see if this time drinking would be different?
I drove home disgusted with myself. I was praying that I would just get home safe. I was angry. I was angry that again, for the millionth time, I had let alcohol into my life. I was still sick, I still had all my problems, and I was still sadder than ever. Drinking, again, didn't solve anything for me. I had been getting worse for a long time and I knew that it couldn't go on forever. Something would have to give.
I woke up on December 4th, 2010 in some sort of a fog. The kind of fog where my body is trying to tell me that something is not right. This time my brain was also telling me something was not right. That morning I had a moment of clarity. It was so clear that I needed to stop drinking. It was like I was a different person. A person who was logical again. Someone who finally saw what was good for them. I had a sense of relief that everything was going to be ok. I hadn't had relief like that in all my years drinking. I finally had the relief that I had been searching for in the bottle.
I don't know why I have been one of the lucky ones who finally got it. I don't know why certain people have been placed in my life to help me along the way. All I know is that when I started this journey on Dec 4th I knew I couldn't do it alone. I had failed working my own way too many times before. I had to accept the fact that maybe I didn't have all the answers.
I googled online about drinking and found SR. I dove right in and asked all the questions that only a newcomer would ask. I wasn't afraid of what others might think of me. I wasn't worried anymore what was best for me, because frankly I had no clue what was best for me. I knew I had to make serious changes if I wanted to get off the elevator before it hit the bottom.
To everyone who is still struggling: I feel your pain.
To everyone who is enjoying sobriety today: I feel your joy.
I wouldn't be here today without the help of all the members of SR. I hope to continue on my sober journey with all of the ups and downs that continue to happen. My problems didn't disappear after I got sober, but they got more manageable. I wasn't magically healthy. Not all of my relationships have been restored now that I'm in sobriety. What I've learned is that I am living what is called "life" and that is perfectly fine with me.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,786
Congrats on your first sober year!! 
Come join us in the one year and over thread on daily support.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-15.html
Come join us in the one year and over thread on daily support.http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rt-2-a-15.html
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,308
Nirvana
Congrats on the year sober. I loved your post. Yes we are lucky that we have finally got it, the realization that we cannot drink. Six months sober and I am finally enjoying sobriety, not that it was bad before the 6 months but I now understand the term "restored to sanity"
CaiHong
Congrats on the year sober. I loved your post. Yes we are lucky that we have finally got it, the realization that we cannot drink. Six months sober and I am finally enjoying sobriety, not that it was bad before the 6 months but I now understand the term "restored to sanity"
CaiHong
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
