I lost my father tonight, I feel all alone
icutrauma1
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: columbia , md
Posts: 41
I lost my father tonight, I feel all alone
I would like to thank everyone here that has allowed me to read their intimate feelings, thoughts & passions.
I lost my AGF 3 weeks ago.
Tonight I received a call from a detective that my father was found deceased in his apt.
I want to explain why this hit me so hard although I was estranged from him for a decade.
First off, I am cuban, a very emotional passionate man, a romantic. 3 years ago I lost my mother. When she was dieing in an ICU, I would go to care for my AGF who was detoxing over a weekend until I could get her to a doctor. I had just found out she was addicted to 3-5roxys/day(10-15 in truth) and she wanted to quit for me(wrong reason(didn't work)). So when I had to leave the ICU I would go to my XAGF apt to clean her, bathe her, clean up the vomit, diarrhea & keep her comfortable. I did this for 3 days, Fri, Sat, Sun. On Monday I took her to a dr and got her meds. My mother passed on a Wed.
When I would leave my condo I would most often see the retirement condo my mother lived and feel her loss. But I would say to myself with my XAGF sitting, next to me, "I lost her, but I have A*****, I'm not alone."
I expected this call someday and thought that A***** would be with me when it happened. She isn't. The addiction has a relentless grip on her that she bolted on the night before rehab & is living with a family of drug addicts & a dealer, sleeping with a man that is a drug addict & has no future. I am a professional. Yes addiction has no rational.
I have been strong since she has contacted us 4 times already since Nov 8. I thought it would be months before we heard from her. Her mom has been strong & I will remain to be strong thanks to all of you when I feel I am all alone with no more parents, as many of you are already.
I have become so much stronger & have not have an emotional breakdown until the detective called me tonight. i cried all the way home picturing my father dying all alone, by hiimself in a dilapidated apt, an alcoholic. I had been feeling vulnerable today when I saw a lady that bore a slight resemblance to my XAGF. I USE to think, "My A***** has more delicate hands, her hair is more beautiful, her eyes are sweeter, her smile is more warming, her hug is engulfing". I don't anymore, because she is not mine. She is in a relationship with another man regardless of all the falsehood it is built on.
The serenity prayer has been a godsend. "Let Me Fall", "What Addicts Do" has done wonders for me and her mother who is becoming stronger also & told her daughter 2 days ago when she called, " Does F**** send you money?" Her mother snapped back, "Is that all you think about him, is money, leave him alone & get a life into recovery, I don't want to talk to someone living in addiction. I'm tired of being treated like crap".
Thank you all for letting me bleed my feelings onto virtual paper.
Anna, Impurrfect, DEE74 thank you for the many hours you spend helping us, making us strong & giving us realistic hope to heal & stay sane. All of you are the angels watching over us. I will say a prayer for all addicts and more deserving are the family members suffering pain while their loved ones numb themselves. I'm sorry for you all that you cannot have the happiness you deserve.
Thank you for letting me in when I feel so cold outside.
I lost my AGF 3 weeks ago.
Tonight I received a call from a detective that my father was found deceased in his apt.
I want to explain why this hit me so hard although I was estranged from him for a decade.
First off, I am cuban, a very emotional passionate man, a romantic. 3 years ago I lost my mother. When she was dieing in an ICU, I would go to care for my AGF who was detoxing over a weekend until I could get her to a doctor. I had just found out she was addicted to 3-5roxys/day(10-15 in truth) and she wanted to quit for me(wrong reason(didn't work)). So when I had to leave the ICU I would go to my XAGF apt to clean her, bathe her, clean up the vomit, diarrhea & keep her comfortable. I did this for 3 days, Fri, Sat, Sun. On Monday I took her to a dr and got her meds. My mother passed on a Wed.
When I would leave my condo I would most often see the retirement condo my mother lived and feel her loss. But I would say to myself with my XAGF sitting, next to me, "I lost her, but I have A*****, I'm not alone."
I expected this call someday and thought that A***** would be with me when it happened. She isn't. The addiction has a relentless grip on her that she bolted on the night before rehab & is living with a family of drug addicts & a dealer, sleeping with a man that is a drug addict & has no future. I am a professional. Yes addiction has no rational.
I have been strong since she has contacted us 4 times already since Nov 8. I thought it would be months before we heard from her. Her mom has been strong & I will remain to be strong thanks to all of you when I feel I am all alone with no more parents, as many of you are already.
I have become so much stronger & have not have an emotional breakdown until the detective called me tonight. i cried all the way home picturing my father dying all alone, by hiimself in a dilapidated apt, an alcoholic. I had been feeling vulnerable today when I saw a lady that bore a slight resemblance to my XAGF. I USE to think, "My A***** has more delicate hands, her hair is more beautiful, her eyes are sweeter, her smile is more warming, her hug is engulfing". I don't anymore, because she is not mine. She is in a relationship with another man regardless of all the falsehood it is built on.
The serenity prayer has been a godsend. "Let Me Fall", "What Addicts Do" has done wonders for me and her mother who is becoming stronger also & told her daughter 2 days ago when she called, " Does F**** send you money?" Her mother snapped back, "Is that all you think about him, is money, leave him alone & get a life into recovery, I don't want to talk to someone living in addiction. I'm tired of being treated like crap".
Thank you all for letting me bleed my feelings onto virtual paper.
Anna, Impurrfect, DEE74 thank you for the many hours you spend helping us, making us strong & giving us realistic hope to heal & stay sane. All of you are the angels watching over us. I will say a prayer for all addicts and more deserving are the family members suffering pain while their loved ones numb themselves. I'm sorry for you all that you cannot have the happiness you deserve.
Thank you for letting me in when I feel so cold outside.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Icutrauma))) - I'm so sorry for loss. It has to be incredibly hard, on top of the other losses that you have gone through. Please do know we are here for you. I can't personally give you a hug, but am sending many many hugs and prayers your way.
Amy
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
I am so sorry for all you have been through, please know you will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending a big bear hug to you, if you need to talk, need a shoulder, I will be there, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
You have friends here, you are not alone, I know we cannot take your pain away, but we can share it.
May god bless you and keep you,
Bill
Sending a big bear hug to you, if you need to talk, need a shoulder, I will be there, please don't hesitate to get in touch.
You have friends here, you are not alone, I know we cannot take your pain away, but we can share it.
May god bless you and keep you,
Bill
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Southeastern US
Posts: 174
((ICU)), so sorry about the loss of your father. I've lost both parents, too and it's still painful when I think of them, though the pain has lessened over the years. Take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Wow, ICU, you have been thru a really bad time there 
Still, your strength and recovery is clearly visible, in spite of all the pain you must be going thru.
I understand a little of what you are feeling, my father, uncle and aunt died in a three week period some years ago. Then my buisiness folded due to the bad economy, my wife (now ex) left me for three other guys and a bottle of pain pills.
I used to say that too. Almost the same words. I did have a wonderful marriage that lasted 20 years. What I have learned in recovery is that I needed to add a few words to my thoughts.
"I lost my parents, but I have my wife, _today_."
"I am not alone, I have my Higher Power and all the people in recovery"
Most of the time I feel the strength of those words. Once in a while I feel a little pain for the marriage I once had. Somedays I do feel quite alone. However, I have learned that those feelings do pass, and better feelings take their place.
I used to feel that way about my ex. I had to spend some time in al-anon learning about this whole addiction thing from the side of the spouse, the side of those who love an addict. I realized that my ex is _not_ in a relationship with another man, she's in a relationship with a bottle of pain pills. The man just happens to be there, he is incidental. He is like the cardboard box the pain pills are packaged in. The box is present, for the moment, but not the focus of attention.
No worries. I have done my share of that as well. All of us have. Everybody here on Sober Recovery arrived because we were in deep pain. So feel free to share all you want. That's the whole reason why we are here.
Mike
Still, your strength and recovery is clearly visible, in spite of all the pain you must be going thru.
I understand a little of what you are feeling, my father, uncle and aunt died in a three week period some years ago. Then my buisiness folded due to the bad economy, my wife (now ex) left me for three other guys and a bottle of pain pills.
Originally Posted by icutrauma1 
... I would say to myself with my XAGF sitting, next to me, "I lost her, but I have A*****, I'm not alone."....
"I lost my parents, but I have my wife, _today_."
"I am not alone, I have my Higher Power and all the people in recovery"
Most of the time I feel the strength of those words. Once in a while I feel a little pain for the marriage I once had. Somedays I do feel quite alone. However, I have learned that those feelings do pass, and better feelings take their place.
Originally Posted by icutrauma1
... I don't anymore, because she is not mine. She is in a relationship with another man regardless of all the falsehood it is built on.....
Originally Posted by icutrauma1
... Thank you all for letting me bleed my feelings onto virtual paper.....
Mike
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