worriedwife2

Hello,

It's been a month since my AH moved out because I caught him with someone else. He is living with her now. I need help, it's like I have forgotten all the terrible things that went on with his alcoholism, drugs, an affair four years ago, and verbal abuse. I mean, I was the one wanting to leave him and I should be very thankful that he's actually out. But, all I can think about is him being with her. What is wrong with me?!?!

I obsess about it. I have seen him quite a bit because we have an 8 year old daughter. I practically tried him to beg to stay at our house on Saturday, but he wouldn't. I am so ashamed of myself. I know I need to be away from him and he will not do anything about his drinking. My family and friends say time will help. Ugh! I just wish I could get a grip!

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Worriedwife2

Bernadette

But, all I can think about is him being with her. What is wrong with me?!?!

I don't know!!!!

But this is a great sentence to bring to therapist! It should get the ball rolling. Codependency is like an addiction in that it keeps us from facing ourselves. I used to while away days. weeks, years obsessing over the As in my life. What a waste - never helped them - harmed me tremendously.

I needed AlAnon and therapy to get my head on straight!

Try to make a little plan - just for today - and stick to the plan. Keep yourself busy with things you need to do to improve YOUR life.

Peace-
B

akrasia

Who knows why you're obsessed with him? Fear of being alone? Stockholm syndrome?

In any event, this is too much to muscle through on your own. Get the help of a good therapist, and fill your days up with happy things. You'll get through this!

GettingBy

What has helped me is realizing that staring at or obsessing over what my AH is/isn't doing isn't healthy FOR ME. When I find my mind going to *him*, I cut myself off and say, "Nope, Gettingby, that's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! DON'T GO THERE!"

It's HARD... but it's absolutely necessary for me if I want to recover from our marriage. I force myself to go back to the *facts* - get back to why the marriage had to end.

Going NO CONTACT (even in our THOUGHTS!) is really the best way to help us work on ourselves. I think of my addiction to my AH in terms of alcoholism - he's my *bottle/bar*. If I was an alcoholic trying to get sober, would I keep going to the bar? Would driving by the bar or thinking about the bar help me stay sober? Nope. In fact, the longer I stared at and thought about the bar... the more likely I would be to end up right back there, sitting on a stool, getting drunk, feeling hungover and ashamed the next day. What's odd for me is that when I do end up taking a spin on the old merry-go-round (indulging in my addiction to my AH)... I do feel hungover the next day! I feel sick and ashamed - and it's *that* pain that helps me focus on MY recovery/sobriety!

Milly39

am sorry for thepain you are going thru.
Ihave wished SO many times thatmy AH would have an affair so that I wouldn't feel so bad about asking him to leave....dreamed about it, no joke !
He didn't but I still asked him to leave anyway, being an alcoholic was enough in the end.

Hang in there
M.

dollydo

You are living in a fantasy mindset, playing lets pretend that this didn't happen.

If you cannot move on, seek therapy. Happiness and self-respect are an inside job. If you need him to validate you, your ego, you will never find true happiness.

You are setting an example for your child, how would you feel if you were the child and exposed to your actions? Do you really want your daughter to grow up thinking that she needs to beg a man....for anything? I would want my daughter to grow up strong and able to care for herself, not to be an enabler and codependent.

She sees and hears everything, she will carry her childhood into adulthood, help her to not follow in your footsteps.

worriedwife2

Thanks everyone. I really need to work on this and stop this madness for my daughter's sake. You're giving me the slap I've needed :-) I am living in the fantasy mindset. It's really crazy. For the last four of eleven married years I have wanted out. Now, I am out and you'd think it's all been roses! Blahhh!

Thanks everyone,
Chris

DMC

I always found that going back and reading my prior postings/emails/journals put things back in perspective. Maybe that will reframe things for you.

Good luck,
D

jessiec

There's a quote that sometimes man's rejection is God's protection! Sounds like it could be the case here.

LifeRecovery

Thanks for posting this question, and the responses, they have helped me to figure something out.

Often we talk on this forum about alcohol use and affairs and if they are connected. I have not always known what I think about some of the answers that are posted.

I did just figure it out. It does not matter if my husband's affair was related to alcohol use or not. I REACTED similary to his use of alcohol and his affair. I went into crazy fix it mode when I realized both of them, and that is what I held onto. It was a knee jerk reaction for me. Something was broken so I had to fix it. That was my hook. For me that is why the affair and his alcohol use are related....regardless of if alcohol was involved in his choices of getting into the affair.

That is probably why Al-anon has helped me heal from both so much. I have not been able to name that before except that Al-anon has helped me to learn loving detachment. Counseling (both with a marriage counselor short term and an individual counselor) was really helpful too.

I read a lot of good books on both topics.

I am so sorry that you are experiencing these feelings. For me it was like a flight or fight experience and I did not know (had not been taught) another way to do it previously.