TheViper

On rock again. 2 months sober, relapsed. I'm about to do my last dime with my bro, now tell me, for a 17 yr old How I'm a failure. i deserve it. :/

sorry. i Feel bad enough as it is. Be back in a whiel :/

Dee74

I'm not going to tell you you're a failure
Changing our lives is hard work and a big and constant commitment.

Beating ourselves up is pretty futile anyway - whats done is done.

Put that energy into actively doing something about whats happening here, Viper.

Find some support, see a counsellor, hit some meetings - do something to stop your slide - the longer you leave it the harder it will get, V.
D

Impurrfect

I'm not going to tell you you're a failure, either. I do hope you take some of ((Dee's)) suggestions...that rock can ruin your life. BTDT.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

neferkamichael

Viper if you "feel bad enough", and are posting on this websit, you must know you are doing something wrong. 17 wow, I was a crackhead twice as long as you have been alive. Believe me when I tell you, you are wasting a life. Please, please get help

Shining~Again

If the only thing you're asking for is to be called a failure, sorry - can't help.

I do hope you'll come back and post. Beating yourself up over this isn't going to help. YOu managed to go 2 months clean. Surely you cannot just consider that nothing?

my best to you. really.
now get a plan of action and get the ball rolling in the right direction again. You can do this. Maybe write down what was going on that led up to the relapse so that you're better equipped to deal with it in the future. You must of been doing something right to get through 60, 24 hour days/night without it.

england

Its not easy staying sober but 2 months clean is a good achievement, so it shows that you can do it.

Just start again and seek some help, e.g CA or NA.

I know you CAN stay clean!

TheViper

Hey, well last night was horrible. I had been 2 months sober, but then saw a friend of mine do a rock, and I craved it. I didn't do it with him, but when I got home I ringed my old dealer (neighbor) and apparently was only gonna buy a dime, but brought a total off $80. Wasted money, and I feel freaking bad, but I'ma try to stop.. for the 3rd time. This sucks, am I ever gonna stop for good? I don't wanna go to rehab, cause even with this, I'm doing good in school, I grad in april 2012. Then going to college. so is there any other way to stop, besides rehab? I REALLY wanna stop, and have, but then get back on it. It just calls my name when I hear of it or something. It sucks. thank you all for your replies, I really appreciate it. Day 1-- again, I guess. Thank god for the NFL.

Impurrfect

(((Viper))) - I didn't go to rehab, and have been off the stuff over 4-1/2 years. Honestly? At 2 months, if I'd seen someone doing it front of me, I don't know that I would have been strong enough to say "no". I had to stay away from people who did it.

It's not easy, but yes, you definitely can quit this stuff. I promise, you keep doing it and you're going to start losing stuff. There are a lot of people who care about you, here, and a few of us are recovering crackheads (yes, I call myself that...no offense meant).

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

TheViper

I've been clean since I posted here Doing good.. just one things f*cked me up: my ex. I was dating her for a month, and when I relapsed, I was all pilled up on xanax. That I, no lie, didnt think about it and brought a rock and did it in her face. Now I broke up yesterday with her, and shes telling everyone I do rock.. she's ruining my life, noone knew. How do I make it seem shes lying? Its pretty fcked up :/

Pandora1

I'm sorry you are facing this but my dear it is the truth. The truth is the truth and all you can do is live with it. You need to face it and quit hiding it to get better. Lies is what us addicts tell to cover up or using.

Glad you are still clean right now.

ACT10Npack

sorry viper but your not a failure. Your only 17 years old and you have your whole life ahead of you. Don't the dime and sober up now. If you need help call your doctor or look into treatment. Sorry about your ex telling everyone but if you stop now then it's no longer true and it will be in the pass.

TheViper

Yeah true:/ and hey Action I honestly did it, but that was my last. I have 30 bucks right now and dont even think about buying that crap Ima stay sober for hopefully good.

Imwishinonastar

RELAPSE IS A PART OF RECOVERY! But you cant use it as an excuse, from this relapse maybe you learned something and you can do it differently, this fight is a hard fight but will be a great fight if you do it!

newmoon

Viper, I just started today too... seems like there's a great community here if we can just stick together

TheViper

Good to hear You know what, This time I MEAN it. I'm not gonna do rock anymore, I promise you all, I won't. I'm tired of feeling sh&tty after doing it, and it does nothing for me but waste my money and my time. Also I notice that when I'm high or after the high, I'm a d*ck around friends/family members. This drug is the devil. It does nothing good. I was thinking about it, and now really am up to stopping for good, no looking back. I get these weird crack dreams where I'm doing it (really f'd up) and they wake me up and am all sweaty. is that normal? anyway, yeah I'm done with that. I'm not touching any more drugs. Promise. I'm thinking about starting to go to church now, but I don't know. I dont know how to tell my family, 'cause we've never gone to church, just when we were little, once a year or something, but I wanna go, I know god will help me. I'ma change my life from negative to positive, stop looking back and continue coming here for support cause you all have helped a lot, no lie. You all support me and that's awesome. Noone in my family besides brothers know I do this, and I already told em I aint doing it no more. I got money right now and dont think of buying it. some Friends know, but now with my ex saying it, Some others know, but I'ma just tell them shes lying. I can do it, and I'ma be someone successful instead of wasting my life on the devil's drug. If I can do it, a 17 year old who smoked everyday rock for a YEAR, I know all of you all can stop too. It sucks going through cravings, but y'all can beat it. Anyway, I'ma go to sleep cause I gotta wake up for school tomorrow, its 4:00 am :O I didnt go to school yesterday so I slept ALL day and that's why I can't sleep. ha, anyway Goodnight and I'll be back tomorrow: Nearly a week sobered up and counting

Cassandra48

Viper please stay strong. You have your whole life ahead of you. Both my boys are in college and thank God never did any drugs. They of course have no idea that their mom is addicted to pain pills. I've always told them that some people can try it once and walk away. Others have an addictive personality and are hooked after the first time. Problem is, you don't know which one you are until you try it. You can do this. You've been doing it daily for 1 year. Imagine how difficult it would be to quit if you've been doing it daily for 12 years! I know, that's me. I always promised myself that I would quit tomorrow. It took 12 years for tomorrow to come. I had a $200 a day addiction. When I first started, I thought no way, I would never get to that point! That is helping me stay sober. Think of what you'll have to do to get the money to feed your addiction when you take more and more to reach the same high. It's scary and crazy. At 17 you have the world at your feet. I wish I could go back to 17 and make better choices. Stay strong. You're just a little younger than my boys. I wish I could give you a hug and give you the support you need to get through this. I'm at day 6. You're at day 1, let's do this together!

TheViper

Hey Cassandra thanks for the support and congrats on a week already :o Thats awesome. I have a week too sober actually, its funny cause today I HAD the oppurtunity to do it for free, but nah decided not to. Hell no. staying sober.

chained

Come on Viper...you can fight this! I know you can and I know you want to kick this. Thanks for being honest and letting us know. I know it was really hard for me yesterday to tell you all that I screwed up after TWO YEARS! It sucks...I know it does, but come on! We can't play these games any more. This is our life we are throwing away. We both deserve better than to be on a short leash like a dog! We HAVE to do this...you know it! I know it!
So, tomorrow (Sunday)...we each need to come up with a plan of attack. I know that my plan has to be an hour at a time, no more than that. I think the plan should include
1. What we/I am going to do for that hour to stay busy
2. Eliminate PEOPLE, PLACES & THINGS with in each hour that may trigger me/us to screw up
3. Always be working on a glass of water...lots of fluids
4. Do something to make yourself laugh. Look up a YouTube video with something benign, like animals for the subject matter or maybe talk to a healthy friend on the phone that makes you laugh
5. I personally need to make sure I'm setting limits with co-workers and family's requests. I end up taking on too much and getting overwhelmed.
6. No dwelling on the guilt. We can't do anything about the past. What can we do RIGHT now to stay clean? "Don't use"
7. Hang out here as long as we need to. Just keep typing. The other day, I just read and responded with support for hours. Usually the very things that we point out to other people to encourage and help them are the things that WE need to hear the most. So, by saying it to another person, you end up hearing it in your own head. We end up being our own cheerleader through supporting someone else.

We will do it together. Sunday morning...perfect time to start.
Add to the list so we have plenty to do
Okay Viper. I'm counting on you.
Its 4am here. I need to get to bed so I can wake up for class in two hours. (Poor sleeping habits are not good for recovery)
I have class from 9am until 5pm (central time) I will try to jump on my laptop as often as I can. I will be looking for you. =)

Brush yourself off, take a shower, look in the mirror and tell yourself that TODAY you are not going to use...just TODAY. Thats all we care about right now.

See ya soon

Cassandra48

Viper I'm so happy to hear that you've made it a week! That's a great accomplishment. You sound like you're ready to kick this. Turning it down for free? Amazing. I thank God that I haven't been offered any pills for free in my first week. Keep posting. You and I are in the same stages of recovery. Today, I will not use.

Impurrfect

(((Viper))) - so glad to hear you have a week!! It helped me, to remember the BAD feelings that went along with using crack when thoughts would come up of it. The dreams? Yeah, they're pretty normal, especially in early recovery (IMO). I rarely have them now, and they're usually of me trying to get AWAY from someone using it, than actually using it, but every now and then I'll wake up in a sweat, only to realize it was just a dream.

As far as the ex telling everyone? The best way to lay those rumors at rest is just to keep moving forward in recovery. All of my family and most of my friends new. However, at my last job, only one person knew and he didn't believe me at first - I'm no longer the kind of person people associate with "crack addict" and that's fine with me. I had my past thrown in my face, at first, but it's been a long, long time since that's happened. The more space we put between us and using, people notice and the past is a distant memory.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy