AjahnOfSelf

Greetings all,

Brand new to this forum/site...which rocks! But NOT NEW to Recovery. I've been involved since I was 17. I'm 39 now. Jesus 22years of this stuff. I had 15years clean then relapsed in 2008. I've been in hell and in Limbo ever since...mostly Hell.

Long story short - I'm my father's caregiver at the moment (he has a terminal illness) and I haven't had 30 days since I relapsed. I'm so very tired of this. WTF?????? I know that I know, AND that sucks! This isn't like when I first came in and was ignorant and enthusiastically young. I'm just venting right now everyone. I'm having a really hard time watching my father die in front of my eyes and the only release I feel perhaps is using.

My DOC is crack. I just f*cking crave it at times like last night. I don't understand this relapsing. I don't understand this about my self. At times I feel i'll NEVER break free of my addiction. I feel as if I've lost all my experience over the past 20years.

Thanks for being here...in Metta,

AOS

Windytown4

hi
I hope you find some help and support on this forum, and also in real life if you can. Relapsing is so hard. My DOC is only pot and I know that is no where near as addictive or life messing up as crack must be, but I can relate to the relapsing again and again thing- and I am similar aged to you and all that.
All I can say is- you are still young and can still get it together. I hope you can find a way- I don't even know how one does that, I am sure you will find others here with much more help than I have- but I just wanted to respond to your post and wish you the best. Have you gone to rehab many times, or just tried to kick it on your own?

AjahnOfSelf

BTW,

Thank you for replying. Sometimes I just want to feel that I'm still human and reach out. I've been to one rehab in the last three years, 3-4 psych wards (I get really suicidal when I'm strung out). Yeah pot was a fav of mine too. Hard to quit though.

Dee74

welcome AOS

I know being a caregiver in those circumstances must be difficult.
Have you got support for yuorself?

D

Impurrfect

(((AOS))) - Welcome to SR! I'm a recovering crack addict, and part of what helped in my recovery was remembering how near-suicidal I was when I relapsed. I'm sorry about your dad, and can only imagine how hard that is. I promise you, though, if you keep using you're going to have to deal with the emotions you're trying to numb out, as well as the fact that you relapsed....been there, done that.

SR has been a huge part of my recovery, and I'm glad you found us.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

texasbelle

wow, i'm really sorry about your dad. that sux. i lost my dad, but it was along time ago. i have been in relapse mode for the last 3 years. i had almost 3 before that. i was dx with lupus and fibro. one day my head hurt sooo bad that i went and scored heroin in downtown la. not a safe place but i didn't care, and really still don't sometimes. i hate the consequenses but the only time i feel ok is when i'm using h. i hate this obsession i can't shake it. and it also sux being in physical pain all the time.

alien22

hang in there Ajahn. Be good to yourself and give yourself a break. You can do it. Countless others have and no one is better than you.

24hrsAday

we ALL do this thing just one day at a time man.. you CAN do it too! (keep posting and WELCOME to SR!)

mllaw323

Your drug addiction keeps on going even though you quit for yrs your disease is still there we are addicts doing without drugs so the addiction will die down it never goes away we are in remission. When you picked back up its worse than when you quit

AjahnOfSelf

All,

Thank you! Dee74 - yes I have volunteer's that come in to the house Tues & Thurs so I can get to NA Meetings at the noon meetings that are around here. Some day's I can handle this better than others. I get to 13, 15, 18 days clean & sober and.....I fall.

At least I get another chance to do this. I'm just terrified everyone....I'm terrified for hy father and for me. He's sooo fragile and vulnerable. Just now he couldn't make it to the bathroom, and, well....

Thank you all for just being here for me and my father.

Kind regards in Metta

southbeach

hi ajah,

welcome to SR. this site has been a big support for me. but it dosent take the place (for me) of face to face support as you get in the NA meetings you have gone to. i am as they say, not a one chip wonder either. this last time when i went back into the program, i asked myself, "what will be different this time". I heard someone share saying that you never know which time it will just click. well, i think this is the time it clicked for me. when i heard this share i felt like i had a chance. i felt that maybe just maybe, this time i wont bs everyone and myself. i did things differently than i had been. this time i jumped in and got involved. i got a sponsor, i worked the steps, i did a ton of service and most importantly, i let people get to know me and created a support system. i too was addicted to crack (in my day, it was called freebasing). my DOC kept changing. Latest was pills. It doesn't matter, as you know, what drug/alcohol it is. what matters is are you willing to go to any length? if you are, then jump in and do things differently. once you are involved and consistant, it is tougher to relapse.
As far as your dad goes, i can certainly relate. i can tell you that i regret not being clean/sober when my dad passed away. i think it was impurfect that said it best...you will have to deal with your feelings you are numbing now someday. i find that the more connected i am spiritually and with the program, that i can get through anything clean and sober and actually get through it better. when i used, everything was more difficult and dramatic. death is the hardest thing ever. i know. i am now going through another situation like yours but clean and sober this time. i am present and of better use for my loved one. think about it. think about if you really want it.

thejuiceman

I dont know what to say. You have to want it more than anything and then go thru with it. No one can make you quit. Youre the one who has to make the decision and do it. I cant understand how someone can go 15 yrs clean and then decide that they need to use again, but i guess it happens. Good luck.