Pandie

I've done something I never thought I would do and the guilt and shame is killing me. I need to confess. I've asked God for forgiveness, but I still feed the need to confess and get advice on what I should do in this situation. I cannot bring myself to speak what I've done, so I thought I could type it... this is incredibly hard for me.

I am watching a friend's animals while they are out of town for the holiday. They will be back tomorrow. The first day I was over there, I was just hanging out, watching TV when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I wondered if they might have pain killers in the house. I quickly remembered this person had been to the ER in October and had gotten Lortab for a headache. I looked and found the pills. The Rx was for 15 pills and she had taken one since mid-October. Obviously she doesn't have issues with pain pills, obviously she's not a junkie like me . I took 2 without a second thought thinking, she has only taken one pill, she won't miss them. Then my sick brain said I should take all 14 of the pills with me and just replace them with regular old generic tylenol. That is exactly what I did. I don't think she will ever even notice, but I feel so guilty. I don't know if I should tell her. I don't want to "out" myself. No one really knows my dirty little secret about my love affair with pain pills. I see a therapist, and she knows about it, she's the only person. I'm supposed to see her this week and while part of me wants me to tell her what I did, the part of me that says "I don't have a problem" wants to keep my mouth SHUT.

I've always told myself I wouldn't steal or buy pills off the street. I've always only taken what my doctor writes and when I'm out, I'm just out and have to take tylenol until I can get the pills again.

Really need advice. Should I tell my friend? Should I tell my therapist? This guilt is overwhelming, but the fear seems almost as heavy.

kiki5711

I found an old bottle of my husband's Tramadol. It was a stressful day and I took a couple and it made me feel good. So, I took the rest. Not all on the same day. My husband found out, and called my psychiatrist and told on me. I didn't even know until my psychiatrist brought it up at our next session. I was really surprised and felt like a fool.

I felt like a kid caught doing something bad. Temptations, temptations, they're always there, no matter how long we've been sober.

texasbelle

i would let it go. at least you told on yourself, that's what counts. and just don't to it to them again. sometimes amends are not doing the same behavior...at least that's what i've learned. i think it would just hurt your friend and if they are not an addict they don't understand.
and here's a confession, i had almost 3 years, been out for 3 and afraid to go back. want to go score dope so bad right now. i don't even have any money. the week before payday is horrible and i can't fringgin stop. the obsession is killing me. i guess a part of me doesn't want to stop. i have that love/hate relationship with h.

margarok

Pandie,

I faced the same sort of thing a couple years ago. I was visiting my cousin, went to get some aspirin and saw she had a script for Vicodin in her bathroom med cabinet that was several months old. I asked her if she minded if I grabbed a couple for a headache/backache and she told me to just take them all because she'd taken a couple when they were first prescribed but she didn't like the way they made her feel. So, I just took the rest that were in the bottle (20 or more and I was really disappointed that the refill by date had long since passed.)

Anyway, fast forward a couple months and I was visiting again (out of state). I saw yet another bottle in the bathroom cabinet (yes, I was looking for them that time) and this time, it was Lortab. I didn't even ask, just took about half of the pills and put them into my own bottle.

The next day, her husband was coming out of the bathroom and asked what had happened to all HIS pain pills. I was busted... he had had hernia repair surgery just a week or so prior and it never occured to me that someone might actually NEED them other than my own sick addiction.

I snuck a few of them back into his bottle, but never did outright admit that I'd taken them without asking. I'm sure my cousin Sue knew since she'd given me those a few months earlier, but she didn't say anything. It was a hard lesson for me and one that contributed to my final decision to get free of it all.

So, my advice to you is to remember how bad you feel about taking the meds. I don't know if you need to admit you took them if it might cause a loss of trust/friendship that is not necessary. but, certainly you need to realize that the behavior is something you do not want to repeat and the best way to NOT repeat it is to face the addiction and beat it.

Dee74

I can't tell you what to do Pandie but I will say honesty's really important to me nowadays, as is taking responsibility for my actions.

Irresponsibility and dishonesty were a trademark of my drinking & using days.

I think I'd definitely like to know, and possibly *need* to know, if my prescribed meds were replaced with Tylenol.

D

Dee74

Welcome to the posting side of SR texasbelle - you'll find a lot of support advice and encouragement here

stick with it - cravings can be beaten

Have you any real life support?
D

margarok

Dee... you are right. I'd overlooked that aspect of it (that tylenol replaced the script). Hopefully, Pandie will use this to strengthen the resolve to quit.

Pandie

Thanks so much everyone for at least letting me feel like I'm not alone in this.

As far as "the switch", the pills were Lortab 5/500, so 5mg of hydrocodone and 500mgs of acetaminophen. So the pills I replaced them with were 500mgs of acetaminophen. Just won't pack the "punch" of the hydrocodone, but shouldn't be harmful. She rarely takes any medication, even tylenol, so I'm hoping (and praying) she doesn't notice a difference if she even takes them.

I feel like such a loser, but eventhough I thought about trying to get her some more, like go to the ER and see if I could get a few to replace hers, but I know if I go to the ER just to get pills, and actually get them, I'll just take them. I'm so freakin powerless over these stupid pills, but even knowing that, and feeling horrible for what I've done, I'm still craving them

Texasbelle, praying for you!

Praying for all of you! Thanks for all of your help.

finaltime

Pandie, I wouldn't say anything, unless it is going to continue weighing heavily on you. Personally, you telling them risks your friendship, not too mention how they will look at you. I have done the same exact thing numerous times, however instead of telling everyone I am an addict I am just going to try my very best to not look at new homes I go to as a possibility to get pills!!! God that's so embarrassing to even type. I remember reading a song or something years back that said something about, "if you let me come over I promise to not steal your Vicodin from your medicine rack!" I remember thinking how nice it was that other people do that too!!! Addicts will risk or do whatever it takes to get their butts high! I am only 9 days in but the memories that flood through about the risks I have taken make me want to be so far away from pills!! I pray I stay strong this time!!

Pandie

So, she came home today while I was still there. I didn't know she was coming home, but I'm glad now I was there because I was already dreading "facing" her knowing what I've done. I still feel some guilt over what I did, but I have decided not to tell her and to use this experience to help with my resolve to not let the pills take over my life. I know if I don't let go of this guilt and shame, it will only make me want to use to numb out from feeling guilt and shame, the vicious cycle of addiction.

I get MY regular Rx on the 7th. My doctor writes for 30 pills and they have to last me 30 days. I have significant back and hip pain, and because I have to take a blood thinner, and I had gastric bypass in 2010, I cannot take NSAIDS. My doctor actually put that I'm "allergic" to NSAIDS in my chart so no one prescribes any of those types of pills. The majority of my back pain is because of very large breasts. I had breast reduction surgery 4 months ago, and while my back pain is getting better, it's slow going. My doctor said it will take a while for my back to feel better because of how long I carried those heavy puppies around and how it shifted my posture.

Last month, I tried to talk to my pharmacist to see if they could help me only get 10 pills at a time, and only let me get it every 10 days. They didn't get it. I got 10 pills at a time, but b/c the doc writes I can take one pill every 6hrs as needed, my insurance will refill it again in 3-4 days, and I wasn't strong enough to make myself wait. When I get them on the 7th, I will try to talk to the pharmacist again and see if they can help me, put a note in the computer or something... I wish I had someone who could hold the pills for me, but that would mean telling someone I am powerless over these pills and I'm not ready for that.

Thanks again everyone!! Congrats on your 9 days Icandoit12!! That's awesome!!

Shining~Again

I was going to suggest you just come clean with her, but see you've decided not to.
So!
From here on out though, since you say you have legitimate pain issues from surgery and all, seems people close to you would know you take painkillers for that?
I'm not saying to confess that you have a problem necessarily as I do think of that as a very private issue. Of course, that privacy/safer zone is often dictated on your relationships and all.

With all that being said, and without knowing back story, maybe you can have someone hold onto them with a simple explanation of "It's very easy to take more than what they are writing this for, can you help me keep on track?" --- it's a start, anyway.

good luck to you - I hope you can find some relieve in all this

Hanna

I think you will feel better if you are honest, but I can understand why you don't want to do so. My thought was that your friend may or may not understand, and she may or may not forgive you, but it won't be hanging over your head. Either way you have less of a chance of being tempted again if you come clean.

I also think you have a better shot at recovery by disclosing that you have a problem instead of trying to cover it up.

Hugs and prayers for you.

Tryin2Recover

You can rationalize (she was taking tylenol anyways, this wont harm her) and make yourself feel better all you want, and frankly the only people who are cosigning your BS are still sick or new to recovery themselves. This person deserves to know, and you probably deserve to be outed. It might just be what you need to really want to get clean.

Dee74

what are you going to do if (or when) your friend discovers the lortabs are tylenol Pandie?

D

Pandie

Dee74, I don't think she will realize the pills are different because she's not an addict like me. She had only taken one of the pills since getting them in mid-October. If she ever did realize something was different with them, I believe I'd be the LAST person she'd expect to have done anything with them. I'm not saying that to boast, just saying it because it is such a big secret.

Tryin2Recover, I think the shame and guilt from what I did is a big step in helping me get clean. I knew the day I did it, I'd hit a new low . I don't believe telling her and losing her trust and friendship would help matters at all. I met her through my roommate. She and my roommate have been friends since college and are like sisters. Therefore, telling my friend would also end up getting to my roommate and I could possibly get kicked out... I just cannot risk that. I appreciate everyone's advice and honesty, and feel your saying they are "consigning to my BS" is a disservice to them.

MemphisBlues

We are only as sick as our secrets. A true friend would fess up to their weakness. Maybe if you told her in a way that was obvious you were asking for help would ease you into fessing up.

If she is a true friend, she will forgive you. Shame only causes pain.

Missybuns

I think the words "rationalize" and "justification" were words I pushed to the back burner when learning to define words at the onset of my recovery. I had to get honest and be held accountible for my actions when I expected to get and stay clean.

See, I kept doing those things (rationalizing and justifying) as long as I was using. It wasn't until I made the decision to do what ever it takes to stay clean no matter what that I stopped the behaviors that brought on so much guilt and shame.

In the end it was my dishonesty that was my bottom problem, not the drug.

I didn't get the years I have clean now without help.

Gratefully recovering,
Missy

Pandie

Thanks everyone. I rarely see this person, but will try to think of a way to tell her...

Pandie

Question: Because I rarely see this person, do you think it would be ok to send her an email re. this situation, or should I definitely make my amends face to face?

Thanks again everyone. Hope everyone is having a beautiful day

Cassandra48

I myself wouldn't say anything. Promise yourself that you'll never do it again. You feel guilty enough without possibly ruining a friendship. Trust me, you haven't done anything that some of us have while in the grip of the addiction. Just my 2 cents.