Advice on detachment
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Advice on detachment
Hi all,
I am a brand new member here. I have been reading the forums today, and I am glad I found this place.
My mother was hospitalized on Saturday for dangerously low potassium and blood pressure (among other things). She has been an alcoholic since I was a kid (I’m 40 now), but when her husband died almost two years ago, she moved from a somewhat functional alcoholic to one who cannot function. She lost her job six months after his death. In addition to the alcohol, she has been a long-time user of lorazepam. She is clearly depressed. She has an eating disorder (she has stopped eating yet is literally obsessed with food) and is most likely abusing laxatives. In other words, she is killing herself.
My greatest fear the last few years has been that she will die alone in her house, and I won’t even know for a day or two, or more.
When we arrived at the hospital on Saturday, we (my husband, myself, and my mom’s sister) were greeted by my mom’s new boyfriend of three weeks—someone I had never met before but who was acting like her husband. It was a strange feeling getting all kinds of information from him about my mother. (She was completely out of it the first four days in the hospital--confused, no short term memory--, so he was the only one who knew how she got there). Apparently, she had fainted and fallen at least 7 times last week, and the boyfriend was present 5 of those times. Yet, he did not call 911, nor did he notify anyone else. (And or course, my mother did not tell anyone.) She drove herself to the hospital on Saturday while he followed.
He has full access to her home while she is basically incapacitated…every part of her life, while her family does not. We don’t know if we are supposed to be protecting her from him or if she wants him around. (Of course, I know that only someone as equally sick as my mother would “bond” with her so quickly. I’m pretty sure he is her primary enabler now.)
She is still in the hospital—because I told the medical staff about her drinking, they put her on an alcohol withdrawal protocol while she was still in ICU. Yesterday, she moved out of ICU to another floor; when we visited her, she was pretending that that there was absolutely nothing wrong…that she is completely well and ready to go home. She was clearly pissed that she was “kept” at the hospital. She told her sister that the doctor told her that she didn’t really fit the profile of an alcoholic and that he was surprised to hear the information he was getting from other people (me). Total BS, of course.
Yesterday, all of the chronic anxiety and worry I have been feeling for almost two years came to a head when all she wanted to talk about was how she made her little hospital salad for lunch, the food network, and Bobby Flay. Her denial was just too much at that point considering that she was at death’s door. We argued because I lost my temper. (I called her a liar, for one.)
I left the room, but came back in to say goodbye. I gave her a long hug, I told her I loved her, and I said she could call me if she needs anything. To me, it felt like goodbye.
I haven’t gone to the hospital today. (She did call to tell me that she is getting a blood transfusion today.) I don’t imagine I will be going back unless she specifically asks me to come.
This week, I am seriously thinking about whether I should go “no contact.” It’s really affecting my own mental health to sit by and watch her kill herself. She is so deluded that she will not even acknowledge that the reason she in the hospital now is because of her drinking, pills, and laxatives. I have asked her to get treatment, I have said I won’t pretend she is not an addict when clearly she is—I am powerless to do anything for her and almost every time we talk there is a conflict. I am tired of worrying about her all the time, I am tired of the dominant pull she has had on my life for so long, and I am tired of feeling almost nothing but anger toward her or guilt about her. She hasn’t been either willing or capable of having a meaningful conversation for some time—just small talk. I fear she may have alcohol-induced dementia, because of her memory problems, but since she is never sober, I don’t really know. I love my mother, so choosing to detach myself from her is difficult. But I don’t like the dynamic between us, and I think I need some distance just to be able to recalibrate.
It feels like I am abandoning her and saving myself at the same time.
I’d love to hear what other people who have been in the same situation think and how they have progressed.
Thank you, all, for reading about my story.
I am a brand new member here. I have been reading the forums today, and I am glad I found this place.
My mother was hospitalized on Saturday for dangerously low potassium and blood pressure (among other things). She has been an alcoholic since I was a kid (I’m 40 now), but when her husband died almost two years ago, she moved from a somewhat functional alcoholic to one who cannot function. She lost her job six months after his death. In addition to the alcohol, she has been a long-time user of lorazepam. She is clearly depressed. She has an eating disorder (she has stopped eating yet is literally obsessed with food) and is most likely abusing laxatives. In other words, she is killing herself.
My greatest fear the last few years has been that she will die alone in her house, and I won’t even know for a day or two, or more.
When we arrived at the hospital on Saturday, we (my husband, myself, and my mom’s sister) were greeted by my mom’s new boyfriend of three weeks—someone I had never met before but who was acting like her husband. It was a strange feeling getting all kinds of information from him about my mother. (She was completely out of it the first four days in the hospital--confused, no short term memory--, so he was the only one who knew how she got there). Apparently, she had fainted and fallen at least 7 times last week, and the boyfriend was present 5 of those times. Yet, he did not call 911, nor did he notify anyone else. (And or course, my mother did not tell anyone.) She drove herself to the hospital on Saturday while he followed.
He has full access to her home while she is basically incapacitated…every part of her life, while her family does not. We don’t know if we are supposed to be protecting her from him or if she wants him around. (Of course, I know that only someone as equally sick as my mother would “bond” with her so quickly. I’m pretty sure he is her primary enabler now.)
She is still in the hospital—because I told the medical staff about her drinking, they put her on an alcohol withdrawal protocol while she was still in ICU. Yesterday, she moved out of ICU to another floor; when we visited her, she was pretending that that there was absolutely nothing wrong…that she is completely well and ready to go home. She was clearly pissed that she was “kept” at the hospital. She told her sister that the doctor told her that she didn’t really fit the profile of an alcoholic and that he was surprised to hear the information he was getting from other people (me). Total BS, of course.
Yesterday, all of the chronic anxiety and worry I have been feeling for almost two years came to a head when all she wanted to talk about was how she made her little hospital salad for lunch, the food network, and Bobby Flay. Her denial was just too much at that point considering that she was at death’s door. We argued because I lost my temper. (I called her a liar, for one.)
I left the room, but came back in to say goodbye. I gave her a long hug, I told her I loved her, and I said she could call me if she needs anything. To me, it felt like goodbye.
I haven’t gone to the hospital today. (She did call to tell me that she is getting a blood transfusion today.) I don’t imagine I will be going back unless she specifically asks me to come.
This week, I am seriously thinking about whether I should go “no contact.” It’s really affecting my own mental health to sit by and watch her kill herself. She is so deluded that she will not even acknowledge that the reason she in the hospital now is because of her drinking, pills, and laxatives. I have asked her to get treatment, I have said I won’t pretend she is not an addict when clearly she is—I am powerless to do anything for her and almost every time we talk there is a conflict. I am tired of worrying about her all the time, I am tired of the dominant pull she has had on my life for so long, and I am tired of feeling almost nothing but anger toward her or guilt about her. She hasn’t been either willing or capable of having a meaningful conversation for some time—just small talk. I fear she may have alcohol-induced dementia, because of her memory problems, but since she is never sober, I don’t really know. I love my mother, so choosing to detach myself from her is difficult. But I don’t like the dynamic between us, and I think I need some distance just to be able to recalibrate.
It feels like I am abandoning her and saving myself at the same time.
I’d love to hear what other people who have been in the same situation think and how they have progressed.
Thank you, all, for reading about my story.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: -
Posts: 118
I just wanted to say welcome.
My mom has trouble with her bp too.
My relationship with her is kind of shallow.
I have found that if I let my expectations go,
then I am more serene.
I hope that you find peace, and I wish you
blessings for finding something that works
for you whether no contact, limited contact, etc.
Please note that you can change your mind too.
(((((hugs)))))
You're not alone!
My mom has trouble with her bp too.
My relationship with her is kind of shallow.
I have found that if I let my expectations go,
then I am more serene.
I hope that you find peace, and I wish you
blessings for finding something that works
for you whether no contact, limited contact, etc.
Please note that you can change your mind too.
(((((hugs)))))
You're not alone!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 43
For me I had to detach emotionally but only broke contact while she was drinking. She knew I loved her and knew how much she hurt me but couldn't stop until the week she died. I was soglad I was there for her but wouldn't have been. Had she continued drinking. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Do what's right for you and come here vent cry and lean on pol who understand
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My mother is the chief alcoholic in my life, 65 years of drinking hard liquor....every single day.
There have been two times in my adult life when I have gone completely no contact, once for 10 years, another time four years. I had to do it for my sanity, my well-being. There was nothing I could do to change her direction in life, and, I could no longer endure the stress and abuse. Those years were the happiest of my adult life.
About seven years ago, I gave it another shot, we have had our ups and downs, however, she does understand my bounderies and that I will walk if she oversteps them. However, she is now 86 and between her dementia and booze everyday is a struggle.
Do what is best for you and your family, your mother has made her choice(s) and to me you need to do the same thing.
There have been two times in my adult life when I have gone completely no contact, once for 10 years, another time four years. I had to do it for my sanity, my well-being. There was nothing I could do to change her direction in life, and, I could no longer endure the stress and abuse. Those years were the happiest of my adult life.
About seven years ago, I gave it another shot, we have had our ups and downs, however, she does understand my bounderies and that I will walk if she oversteps them. However, she is now 86 and between her dementia and booze everyday is a struggle.
Do what is best for you and your family, your mother has made her choice(s) and to me you need to do the same thing.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Dear fenestra,
So sorry for all you are going through, I know how you feel, my mom has been near death twice in the last 18 months from her drinking, as we joke, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I love my mom, but I hate her drinking, hate how she acts, and don't think much of her as a person, I just decided that it's not my problem to solve, so it's ok to step back, to protect yourself, please remember you did not cause her drinking and you certainly cannot fix it for her.
If you need to vent or just need a shoulder I will be here.
Please take care, best of luck to you.
Bill
So sorry for all you are going through, I know how you feel, my mom has been near death twice in the last 18 months from her drinking, as we joke, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I love my mom, but I hate her drinking, hate how she acts, and don't think much of her as a person, I just decided that it's not my problem to solve, so it's ok to step back, to protect yourself, please remember you did not cause her drinking and you certainly cannot fix it for her.
If you need to vent or just need a shoulder I will be here.
Please take care, best of luck to you.
Bill
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by cymbal 
I just wanted to say welcome.
My mom has trouble with her bp too.
My relationship with her is kind of shallow.
I have found that if I let my expectations go,
then I am more serene.
I hope that you find peace, and I wish you
blessings for finding something that works
for you whether no contact, limited contact, etc.
Please note that you can change your mind too.
(((((hugs)))))
You're not alone!
My mom has trouble with her bp too.
My relationship with her is kind of shallow.
I have found that if I let my expectations go,
then I am more serene.
I hope that you find peace, and I wish you
blessings for finding something that works
for you whether no contact, limited contact, etc.
Please note that you can change your mind too.
(((((hugs)))))
You're not alone!
Thank you, cymbal, for your reply. I'm glad you mentioned letting go of expectations. I actually understand what this means because I went through this process with my father when I was about 18. He had been more absent in my life than present; letting go of any expectations I had of him as a parent really helped my peace of mind.
It's interesting, though, that I have never really applied this same concept to my mother, that I have expectations of her that I need to release.
Thank you for giving me that to think about.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by firecallie
For me I had to detach emotionally but only broke contact while she was drinking. She knew I loved her and knew how much she hurt me but couldn't stop until the week she died. I was soglad I was there for her but wouldn't have been. Had she continued drinking. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. Do what's right for you and come here vent cry and lean on pol who understand
If you have a chance, I'd love to hear you talk more about what it means to detach emotionally...how did you do that, and what did it look like/feel to you?
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by dollydo
My mother is the chief alcoholic in my life, 65 years of drinking hard liquor....every single day.
There have been two times in my adult life when I have gone completely no contact, once for 10 years, another time four years. I had to do it for my sanity, my well-being. There was nothing I could do to change her direction in life, and, I could no longer endure the stress and abuse. Those years were the happiest of my adult life.
About seven years ago, I gave it another shot, we have had our ups and downs, however, she does understand my bounderies and that I will walk if she oversteps them. However, she is now 86 and between her dementia and booze everyday is a struggle.
Do what is best for you and your family, your mother has made her choice(s) and to me you need to do the same thing.
There have been two times in my adult life when I have gone completely no contact, once for 10 years, another time four years. I had to do it for my sanity, my well-being. There was nothing I could do to change her direction in life, and, I could no longer endure the stress and abuse. Those years were the happiest of my adult life.
About seven years ago, I gave it another shot, we have had our ups and downs, however, she does understand my bounderies and that I will walk if she oversteps them. However, she is now 86 and between her dementia and booze everyday is a struggle.
Do what is best for you and your family, your mother has made her choice(s) and to me you need to do the same thing.
After this last week, I did believe I was at the point of needing to completely break contact with my mother. I have been so exhausted the past few days, and I know it's because I am simply drained.
I have been pulling back the past two months because it has been so hard to talk to her; thinking about no contact at all, though, makes me so sad. I feel guilty, too.
I can tell that I am feeling responsible for her when, as you say, she makes her own choices. This is a long-ingrained habit (hyper-responsibility), and I am just now recognizing that what I thought was normal really is me taking on too much responsibility for other people's choices. I'm sure I will feel growing pains as I change my thinking.
Thank you.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Willybluedog
Dear fenestra,
So sorry for all you are going through, I know how you feel, my mom has been near death twice in the last 18 months from her drinking, as we joke, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I love my mom, but I hate her drinking, hate how she acts, and don't think much of her as a person, I just decided that it's not my problem to solve, so it's ok to step back, to protect yourself, please remember you did not cause her drinking and you certainly cannot fix it for her.
If you need to vent or just need a shoulder I will be here.
Please take care, best of luck to you.
Bill
So sorry for all you are going through, I know how you feel, my mom has been near death twice in the last 18 months from her drinking, as we joke, Denial is not just a river in Egypt.
I love my mom, but I hate her drinking, hate how she acts, and don't think much of her as a person, I just decided that it's not my problem to solve, so it's ok to step back, to protect yourself, please remember you did not cause her drinking and you certainly cannot fix it for her.
If you need to vent or just need a shoulder I will be here.
Please take care, best of luck to you.
Bill
I realized this past week, when my mom was admitted to ICU, that my very worst fear just might actually happen. My fear is that she will die alone, or that she will die after we have an argument (and leave me living with that for the rest of my life), or die during "no contact"...sometimes I fear she will fall in the pool, or fall and injure her head, or ...just any number of horrible, horrible things that may happen.
I realized that any number of these things is a very real possibility, and I guess I have accepted that now.
I just hate this feeling of utter hopelessness--I'm starting to predict worst-case scenario outcomes, without any hope for anything different. This is so unlike me, but perhaps it's me finally moving out of denial myself.
I believe my faith is affected, too.
Perhaps, though, as I adjust my thinking about what my responsibilities are and aren't that my sense of hope will return. I know I need to be realistic, but I also don't want to lose faith or positivity in my life.
Thank you for reminding me that I can't solve this problem for her; I do have a responsibility to take care of myself, though.
____
I just would like to send a big cyber-hug to all of you who replied to my post. I'm sorry for the sadness and turmoil you all have experienced.
I am thankful to you for the experiences, wisdom, and encouragement you have shared with me. You all are a big help.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by micealc
You need to take care of you...now.
Start with an Al Anon meeting...You will get support there.
You can not control your Mothers Drama.........ever.
AlAnon will help you to live and let live.Cheers.
Start with an Al Anon meeting...You will get support there.
You can not control your Mothers Drama.........ever.
AlAnon will help you to live and let live.Cheers.
This last episode with my mom finally did convince me that I really have no control (or even influence, it seems) over my mom's choices. Transitioning into fully accepting this has been a bit bumpy this week (which might explain why I feel and sound so wishy-washy at times)...but I do know that her life and choices are hers, as is her drama.
Thanks for being so forthright in stating my need to take care of myself and directing me to a support group. I was going to pursue the group after the holidays, but your "now" language is prompting me to reconsider that delay.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: TX
Posts: 43
It helped that I told her over and over how much she hurt me (didn't fix it but expressing helped). I told her that when she was sober usually morning early afternoon she could call me and we could spend time together but not to contact me when she was drinking because it hurt too much. I did not feel bad because at that time I felt as if she were choosing tbe drink instead of me, so in essence she was choosing not to see/talk to me during those times. I now know she wasn't choosing it over me, she lost her ability to choose but at sometime she started by drinking and not stopping when she could have before. Best thing for me was letting her know while she was sober how it affected me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 12
Hi Fenestra,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My mom also was recently hospitalized for electrolyte imbalance, dangerously high blood pressure and an intestinal paralysis after a long period of alcohol abuse. She is also depressed and has problems with eating (laxative abuse). What a mess it all is. I feel for you.
I also relate to what you are saying about trying to learn to set boundaries. I am in the midst of that struggle myself.
I don't have much advice, since this is all so fresh to me, too. I just wanted to say that you have my empathy and support. I wish the best for you in all of this.
Delia
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My mom also was recently hospitalized for electrolyte imbalance, dangerously high blood pressure and an intestinal paralysis after a long period of alcohol abuse. She is also depressed and has problems with eating (laxative abuse). What a mess it all is. I feel for you.
I also relate to what you are saying about trying to learn to set boundaries. I am in the midst of that struggle myself.
I don't have much advice, since this is all so fresh to me, too. I just wanted to say that you have my empathy and support. I wish the best for you in all of this.
Delia
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by firecallie
It helped that I told her over and over how much she hurt me (didn't fix it but expressing helped). I told her that when she was sober usually morning early afternoon she could call me and we could spend time together but not to contact me when she was drinking because it hurt too much. I did not feel bad because at that time I felt as if she were choosing tbe drink instead of me, so in essence she was choosing not to see/talk to me during those times. I now know she wasn't choosing it over me, she lost her ability to choose but at sometime she started by drinking and not stopping when she could have before. Best thing for me was letting her know while she was sober how it affected me.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by DeliaMarie
Hi Fenestra,
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My mom also was recently hospitalized for electrolyte imbalance, dangerously high blood pressure and an intestinal paralysis after a long period of alcohol abuse. She is also depressed and has problems with eating (laxative abuse). What a mess it all is. I feel for you.
I also relate to what you are saying about trying to learn to set boundaries. I am in the midst of that struggle myself.
I don't have much advice, since this is all so fresh to me, too. I just wanted to say that you have my empathy and support. I wish the best for you in all of this.
Delia
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My mom also was recently hospitalized for electrolyte imbalance, dangerously high blood pressure and an intestinal paralysis after a long period of alcohol abuse. She is also depressed and has problems with eating (laxative abuse). What a mess it all is. I feel for you.
I also relate to what you are saying about trying to learn to set boundaries. I am in the midst of that struggle myself.
I don't have much advice, since this is all so fresh to me, too. I just wanted to say that you have my empathy and support. I wish the best for you in all of this.
Delia
Your situation is very similar to mine!
Learning to set boundaries is a struggle, as you say...I guess because I really haven't before with my mom. (It's never too late to learn.
) I would also add that I feel like I am awakening from a sort of foggy long-lasting sleep; everything I'm learning about myself and my relationship with mom is causing me to see so many aspects of my life differently than I used to see them. Right now, this is unsettling and is stirring up a lot of emotions. I feel like I am learning who I am all over again, but I'm decidedly glad that I am beginning to see more clearly (or at least I hope I am).Thank you for you for your empathy and support. I offer you the same, and I wish you the best as you make decisions about boundaries, too.
Please keep posting about your progress...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Irish
Posts: 552
Fenestra......I empatise with you.......your mothers situation is very simular to the way my mom was.She did not drink but she was addicted to Tranqualisers....Mostly Valium and other stuff.She had two doctors.....one was giving her one thing the other did not know about the First.
I was away for a few years ,visiting every couple of weeks........I had eventually had got away from my Family of Origion .
It was very Toxic......dysfunctional.
I became an Alcoholic and a Drug addict my self.
I was also Addicted to Tranqualisers ,but copeing.
I tried to help her but to no avail........I went to AA and NA..........I eventually got away from both addictions after terrible wythdrawls.......My Mom was not as lucky ...she Died poor thing,id say from Tablet over dose..accidental.
He death was put down to a Heart attack.
I wish I could have done something for her but I could not do anything worthwhile.
.
I hope that god is good to her now as I loved her very much......
She had been brought up in tough times.......She was not able to cope in the end,She needed Tablets to quiten her mind.
Im now attending ACA,its great but Painful stuff is been delt with now.
I answered yes to all the Dysfunctional Chararacter traits in the Laundry List.
These are them........you might like to read them.
Take care of yourself.....MC
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
Note: The Laundry List serves as the basis for The Problem statement.
I was away for a few years ,visiting every couple of weeks........I had eventually had got away from my Family of Origion .
It was very Toxic......dysfunctional.
I became an Alcoholic and a Drug addict my self.
I was also Addicted to Tranqualisers ,but copeing.
I tried to help her but to no avail........I went to AA and NA..........I eventually got away from both addictions after terrible wythdrawls.......My Mom was not as lucky ...she Died poor thing,id say from Tablet over dose..accidental.
He death was put down to a Heart attack.
I wish I could have done something for her but I could not do anything worthwhile.
.
I hope that god is good to her now as I loved her very much......
She had been brought up in tough times.......She was not able to cope in the end,She needed Tablets to quiten her mind.
Im now attending ACA,its great but Painful stuff is been delt with now.
I answered yes to all the Dysfunctional Chararacter traits in the Laundry List.
These are them........you might like to read them.
Take care of yourself.....MC
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
Note: The Laundry List serves as the basis for The Problem statement.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by micealc
Fenestra......I empatise with you.......your mothers situation is very simular to the way my mom was.She did not drink but she was addicted to Tranqualisers....Mostly Valium and other stuff.She had two doctors.....one was giving her one thing the other did not know about the First.
I was away for a few years ,visiting every couple of weeks........I had eventually had got away from my Family of Origion .
It was very Toxic......dysfunctional.
I became an Alcoholic and a Drug addict my self.
I was also Addicted to Tranqualisers ,but copeing.
I tried to help her but to no avail........I went to AA and NA..........I eventually got away from both addictions after terrible wythdrawls.......My Mom was not as lucky ...she Died poor thing,id say from Tablet over dose..accidental.
He death was put down to a Heart attack.
I wish I could have done something for her but I could not do anything worthwhile.
.
I hope that god is good to her now as I loved her very much......
She had been brought up in tough times.......She was not able to cope in the end,She needed Tablets to quiten her mind.
Im now attending ACA,its great but Painful stuff is been delt with now.
I answered yes to all the Dysfunctional Chararacter traits in the Laundry List.
These are them........you might like to read them.
Take care of yourself.....MC
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
Note: The Laundry List serves as the basis for The Problem statement.
I was away for a few years ,visiting every couple of weeks........I had eventually had got away from my Family of Origion .
It was very Toxic......dysfunctional.
I became an Alcoholic and a Drug addict my self.
I was also Addicted to Tranqualisers ,but copeing.
I tried to help her but to no avail........I went to AA and NA..........I eventually got away from both addictions after terrible wythdrawls.......My Mom was not as lucky ...she Died poor thing,id say from Tablet over dose..accidental.
He death was put down to a Heart attack.
I wish I could have done something for her but I could not do anything worthwhile.
.
I hope that god is good to her now as I loved her very much......
She had been brought up in tough times.......She was not able to cope in the end,She needed Tablets to quiten her mind.
Im now attending ACA,its great but Painful stuff is been delt with now.
I answered yes to all the Dysfunctional Chararacter traits in the Laundry List.
These are them........you might like to read them.
Take care of yourself.....MC
The Laundry List – 14 Traits of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
We became isolated and afraid of people and authority figures.
We became approval seekers and lost our identity in the process.
We are frightened of angry people and any personal criticism.
We either become alcoholics, marry them or both, or find another compulsive personality such as a workaholic to fulfill our sick abandonment needs.
We live life from the viewpoint of victims and we are attracted by that weakness in our love and friendship relationships.
We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and it is easier for us to be concerned with others rather than ourselves; this enables us not to look too closely at our own faults, etc.
We get guilt feelings when we stand up for ourselves instead of giving in to others.
We became addicted to excitement.
We confuse love and pity and tend to "love" people we can "pity" and "rescue."
We have "stuffed" our feelings from our traumatic childhoods and have lost the ability to feel or express our feelings because it hurts so much (Denial).
We judge ourselves harshly and have a very low sense of self-esteem.
We are dependent personalities who are terrified of abandonment and will do anything to hold on to a relationship in order not to experience painful abandonment feelings, which we received from living with sick people who were never there emotionally for us.
Alcoholism is a family disease; and we became para-alcoholics and took on the characteristics of that disease even though we did not pick up the drink.
Para-alcoholics are reactors rather than actors.
Tony A., 1978
Note: The Laundry List serves as the basis for The Problem statement.
I have been away for a little while, feeling somewhat overwhelmed emotionally. Ever since my mom was released from the hospital, I have sort of shut down (insomnia at night, restless sleeping in the day, really low energy). I know her hospitalization and the approaching holidays have everything to do with this.
I was originally going to host Christmas this year, but I realized last week that I am simply not up for it. I have been struggling with guilt (because if I don't host, no one else is going to offer this year, which means no Christmas day get-together), but for the first time I think I am trying to honor my own feelings above those of others; everyone else may sort out their Christmas day this year. (Thank you, everyone, who posted in the holiday thread, btw. That is a wonderfully encouraging thread.)
My husband and I will attend a Christmas Eve service, and I invited everyone to join us there if they would like. On Christmas day, we will visit with my sweet mother-in-law, and maybe go to a movie or something. It's a really different Christmas this year, but I am so glad it is low key. (We hung a wreath on the door recently, and congratulated ourselves for completing our Christmas decorating! ha!)
My mom always had the expectation of a Norman Rockwell Christmas, so there was always a lot of pressure to "be perfect." All pretend, of course. So now I've stopped pretending! That part feels good.
The 14 Traits list: I have identified 11/14 that apply to me. I have always felt so isolated and alone in many ways; I'm glad to know that there are others who understand what I feel. I believe I'm just now at the tip of the iceberg in terms of understanding myself as an adult child (some of the reasons that explain the way I am)--it's nice to know there are people like you and the members of this board who are further ahead on their journey.
I have read a few blurbs of information about a concept called "loving detachment" and non-violent communication. I may order a book or two (I found a couple of authors through Amazon, Meyers & Rosenberg) just to check it out; I would like to learn to talk with my mother in a better way, even if only for me. (I come across as angry, frustrated, and judgmental now...because I am! But, I don't want to stay this way.)
For now, I will continue being mindful of self-care.
Thank you, everyone, for the support you have offered in this thread. <3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Wow it sounds like you have come really far in a short time. Take care of yourself and excuse yourself from the craziness. If no one else wants to host Christmas that is fine and you don't have to jump to the rescue. Apparently everyone else, whoever that is, is fine with not getting together so why worry. I hope you have a relaxing, healthy merry Christmas.
I have a question...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 17
Originally Posted by Kialua
Wow it sounds like you have come really far in a short time. Take care of yourself and excuse yourself from the craziness. If no one else wants to host Christmas that is fine and you don't have to jump to the rescue. Apparently everyone else, whoever that is, is fine with not getting together so why worry. I hope you have a relaxing, healthy merry Christmas.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
