Im An Alcoholic son of an Alcoholic Father.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
Im An Alcoholic son of an Alcoholic Father.
Hello everyone. I have been posting things in other sections and decided that tonight I'd post here because I am an alcoholic with an alcoholic father. I never thought of posting here because I didn't feel the need to but now some things have popped up that made me decide to post here and get some advice on my father.
Now my has been attending AA for a year or two now and he has been making great progress and I have been doing so so. I've recently got a 3 month chip last tuesday. Anyway our family thought my father has been doing great with staying sober until recently. Lately my father has started to get nasty at little things with my mother and has recently made her cry because she was sick and he had to do extra things around the house while she was sick and made her come pick me up at work because he was tired.
Anyway his old ways started showing recently where he gets mad at small things and he would nap in the middle of the afternoon. This was when he was drinking and not in AA. Well my brother last night took me in the garage as everyone was asleep and showed me 4 empty cans hidden behind outdoor pillows on the shelf. I picked them up and shook them and they had little bit of beer left and it was fresh.
Anyways I have spoken to my sponsor but would like some more depth on this. My brother is wanting to tell our mother about this, I disagree because it's not our decision for what he does. My sponsor said he can tell her if he wants but what will it get him in the end? My mother has been dealing with this for 4 years now... me trying to stay sober and my father drinking then finally trying to stop.
The thing that is bugging me most is my brother not understanding the program and he doesn't really think about hurting my mother more then my father. I know if he tells her this news she'll snap. I moved back home in result of drinking too much while living on my own for 5 months and she kept crying everytime I drank again and again. I was told this was it, she can't handle anymore, shes trying to work with their marriage and trying to love me because it's hard on her how often I drank and broke my promises not to drink anymore. So what should I do? Should I try to tell Dave let it be and she'll find out on her own> Because either way, even if he does tell my father can say he'll stop but then hide it still without us ever knowing.
He only found about his secret drinking because a day ago he came home and looked through the garage window and saw my father quickly run from the place the cans were found and sat down on the garage steps and pulled out a smoke quickly and lit it. That too, we also noticed he was smoking alot more and longer out in the garage. Please let me know what to say because I want the best for my parents but also have to remember we cant make him quit drinking and I have to focus on my soberity. Thank you for reading my friends
Now my has been attending AA for a year or two now and he has been making great progress and I have been doing so so. I've recently got a 3 month chip last tuesday. Anyway our family thought my father has been doing great with staying sober until recently. Lately my father has started to get nasty at little things with my mother and has recently made her cry because she was sick and he had to do extra things around the house while she was sick and made her come pick me up at work because he was tired.
Anyway his old ways started showing recently where he gets mad at small things and he would nap in the middle of the afternoon. This was when he was drinking and not in AA. Well my brother last night took me in the garage as everyone was asleep and showed me 4 empty cans hidden behind outdoor pillows on the shelf. I picked them up and shook them and they had little bit of beer left and it was fresh.
Anyways I have spoken to my sponsor but would like some more depth on this. My brother is wanting to tell our mother about this, I disagree because it's not our decision for what he does. My sponsor said he can tell her if he wants but what will it get him in the end? My mother has been dealing with this for 4 years now... me trying to stay sober and my father drinking then finally trying to stop.
The thing that is bugging me most is my brother not understanding the program and he doesn't really think about hurting my mother more then my father. I know if he tells her this news she'll snap. I moved back home in result of drinking too much while living on my own for 5 months and she kept crying everytime I drank again and again. I was told this was it, she can't handle anymore, shes trying to work with their marriage and trying to love me because it's hard on her how often I drank and broke my promises not to drink anymore. So what should I do? Should I try to tell Dave let it be and she'll find out on her own> Because either way, even if he does tell my father can say he'll stop but then hide it still without us ever knowing.
He only found about his secret drinking because a day ago he came home and looked through the garage window and saw my father quickly run from the place the cans were found and sat down on the garage steps and pulled out a smoke quickly and lit it. That too, we also noticed he was smoking alot more and longer out in the garage. Please let me know what to say because I want the best for my parents but also have to remember we cant make him quit drinking and I have to focus on my soberity. Thank you for reading my friends
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Just like how you can't control your father's choice to drink, you can't control your brother's choice on whether or not to inform your mother, the most you can do is state your opinion.
You could suggest he attend Al-Anon, which is for the family and friends of alcoholics, but you cannot make him attend there, either.
The only things we can control in life are our own choices.
Congratulations on your 30-day chip! It sounds like you are working hard on making good, healthy choices for yourself - and that's what matters. Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I personally hate the elephant in the room.
If it were me I would go directly to my father and say - "I know you're drinking. I just want you to know that. And I know not just cuz of the cans in the garage but cuz you've been behaving badly and being mean. It was nice when you had some recovery under your belt - you were more fun to be around and you were nicer to mom. If there's anything I can do, like take you to a meeting, I'm here for you. But I won't pretend that you're not drinking. I live in REALITY"
Then I'd just step off and let it go. I've said similar things to my brothers over the years. I only learned this through many examples and much painful learning in AlAnon that my denial ran so deep and that I was so afraid of the As reaction I was always walking on eggshells, holding onto secrets that were not secrets, pretending that what was happening was not happening, and it was making me sick.
If I am obsessing I usually need to speak the truth. I only say it once, in a calm voice, no anger, and I don;t take any bait to get into an argument. I have found I can REALLY let it go - it stops occupying my brain - I hand the problem to the person it belongs to and I am free to work on my own problems which I CAN do something about.
Sometimes I can do this all by myself and hand it all to my HP and let it go - sometimes I can see that silence is actually enabling the alcoholic and so I speak. Only you can decide.
I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood learning how to lie, pretend, keep quiet, and cover up for my A father and my A brothers. When I learned how to stop and put my tools into action I found a world of peace and freedom!
Have you tried AlAnon? There are lots of double winners there! And congrats on your 3 month chip - one day at a time!
Peace-
B
If it were me I would go directly to my father and say - "I know you're drinking. I just want you to know that. And I know not just cuz of the cans in the garage but cuz you've been behaving badly and being mean. It was nice when you had some recovery under your belt - you were more fun to be around and you were nicer to mom. If there's anything I can do, like take you to a meeting, I'm here for you. But I won't pretend that you're not drinking. I live in REALITY"
Then I'd just step off and let it go. I've said similar things to my brothers over the years. I only learned this through many examples and much painful learning in AlAnon that my denial ran so deep and that I was so afraid of the As reaction I was always walking on eggshells, holding onto secrets that were not secrets, pretending that what was happening was not happening, and it was making me sick.
If I am obsessing I usually need to speak the truth. I only say it once, in a calm voice, no anger, and I don;t take any bait to get into an argument. I have found I can REALLY let it go - it stops occupying my brain - I hand the problem to the person it belongs to and I am free to work on my own problems which I CAN do something about.
Sometimes I can do this all by myself and hand it all to my HP and let it go - sometimes I can see that silence is actually enabling the alcoholic and so I speak. Only you can decide.
I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood learning how to lie, pretend, keep quiet, and cover up for my A father and my A brothers. When I learned how to stop and put my tools into action I found a world of peace and freedom!
Have you tried AlAnon? There are lots of double winners there! And congrats on your 3 month chip - one day at a time!
Peace-
B
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Congrats on your sobriety & Welcome to the F & F forum!
I hate so much that your family has been so affected by this disease ~ but I'm glad you are seeking help for yourself!
Is your Mom attending any Al-Anon or recovery type meetings? Maybe you could suggest that for her - she deserves the healing also! It may help her as it as helped many deal with the affects this disease has on us.
Prayers & good thoughts for you for guidance and direction from your HP as to what is best to do as far as confronting your Dad ~
Remember no matter what it's ok to take care of YOU & your recovery!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
I hate so much that your family has been so affected by this disease ~ but I'm glad you are seeking help for yourself!
Is your Mom attending any Al-Anon or recovery type meetings? Maybe you could suggest that for her - she deserves the healing also! It may help her as it as helped many deal with the affects this disease has on us.
Prayers & good thoughts for you for guidance and direction from your HP as to what is best to do as far as confronting your Dad ~
Remember no matter what it's ok to take care of YOU & your recovery!
PINK HUGS,
Rita
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Ontario Canada
Posts: 189
Thanks everyone for your supportive words. I agree what was said that there is nothing I can do to stop my fathers drinking and stopping my brother from telling our mother what our father is doing secretly, Yes actually I suggested AlAnon for my brother and he took a meetings booklet in interest to see what meetings he might attend should he decide to go. I am responsible for the literature for our group now so I had meeting booklets on hand and gave him one. Saying he should wait till after my parents come home from their night out together so their weekend isn't ruined.
I will admit however, I am glad it's not me this time around that is going to have to deal with drinking again. I am relieved and I do not have any anger towards him for what he has done. I understand that he has gone through alot since his father passed away recently, I just wish the best for him as he needs to learn to open his mind. He grew up in a strict family and it was proper for a male not to show his emotions. You know I never once have seen my father cry? Even when I ran away a few times when I was younger he never got upset but my mother did of course. Anyway I'll let everyone know what happens. I pray for the best but of course whatever happens, happens. Im still learning not to over think of things. I fear the worst and I think that is still a defect I need to work on. And thanks everyone for congratulating me on my 3 month chip. I truly feel blessed for this and for everything my family is doing for me, that is why it's hard to see my father still doing this after all they been through with me over the past 5 months. Thank you everyone your awesome and I love you and this site (Unconditionally of course lol)
I will admit however, I am glad it's not me this time around that is going to have to deal with drinking again. I am relieved and I do not have any anger towards him for what he has done. I understand that he has gone through alot since his father passed away recently, I just wish the best for him as he needs to learn to open his mind. He grew up in a strict family and it was proper for a male not to show his emotions. You know I never once have seen my father cry? Even when I ran away a few times when I was younger he never got upset but my mother did of course. Anyway I'll let everyone know what happens. I pray for the best but of course whatever happens, happens. Im still learning not to over think of things. I fear the worst and I think that is still a defect I need to work on. And thanks everyone for congratulating me on my 3 month chip. I truly feel blessed for this and for everything my family is doing for me, that is why it's hard to see my father still doing this after all they been through with me over the past 5 months. Thank you everyone your awesome and I love you and this site (Unconditionally of course lol)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
I dont have nothing to say on this subject. I have never been on your side of the fence.
But what I would like to comment: Congrats on your sobriety..Hope that you continue to work your steps forever and for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But what I would like to comment: Congrats on your sobriety..Hope that you continue to work your steps forever and for the rest of your life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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