pacificsunrise

hello everyone,

just thought i would give an update. since the birth of my little girl and going back home to "assess" the situation, and having to call the cops just to get out without any major incidents, we have had 3 birthdays (mine and both older kids) and we have all gotten gifts (thanks to my sister!) from my AH. the only reason i mention this is because the gifts were really, really nice and included a lot of self made things which showed a lot of effort (or a lot of time on his hands, lol). even though, i did not reply to his texts, he texted my sister and she agreed to get our gifts from him. if i was smarter, i should have just told her to take them back, but curiosity and my unwillingness to completely cut him off won this time.

he also send gifts for both my parents and my sister. well, my gift contained the promised results of the drug test (later i found out that he made copies for my parents and my sister - i guess hoping to win them over, too). it was a urine test, despite the fact that last i told him i was not interested in that test b/c of not being reliable or long lasting.

well, on top of all that i did give in temptation or guilt or codie relapse and texted him back. i only thanked him for our gifts and said that we loved him. that was it.

and lord and behold. ever since he sent those gifts, he has been ranting and raving about how horrible once again i am. i guess he was expecting that i would just come back or something or at least reestablish contact. no idea. just lets me know how "sincere" his gifts really were. i am feeling quite proud of myself of being able to read into his manipulation this time. not so proud of still even checking his texts and voicemails (though i don't respond).

the reason i'm posting all this is b/c i wanted some insight. i'm still not completely out of denial myself, so i was wondering how do you all see this. is it a complete manipulation or is he "making an effort" as he says. i am looking forward to reading all the replies and want to thank you all for helping me get to this point.

love you all and hugs and prayers to everyone on SR. stay strong and keep moving forward.

hello-kitty

Drugs aside, do you want to be with someone who rants and raves about how horrible you are?

pacificsunrise

thank you for this reminder. no, i do not need people to point out my shortcomings, especially when they are untrue or made up. such as me being selfish for not "letting him see the kids", or for "keeping the kids all to myself" and "keeping them away from him and his family".

this is what i really needed. a reality check. thank you so much.
hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

cynical,

thank you so much. once again, you're right on point. lately, i have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship period, even if drugs were not involved and have realized that i have allowed myself to be treated with less than what i deserve, not only in my marriage, but also dealing with other family members. i enjoy working on improving myself and appreciate the links. they are definitely helping.

as far as my AH, deep down i do not see this as a sincere attempt at getting clean. he claims that he is working on our marriage and putting forth so much effort. frankly, i don't see it. the gifts were nice, taking the urine drug test is nice (whether it's done right or not), but none of the things that he is saying or doing are telling me "hey, i'm done with drugs, i want you and the kids back, and i am willing to do whatever it takes to get my life in order for myself and my family". so until then, all his "efforts" are in vain. don't mean to be harsh, but that is how it is. the kids and myself have been put through way to much and we deserve to have a better life. it would be great if it was with him, but it will be done either way, with or without him. i have the responsibility to provide my kids with normal life in order to give them the best chance of prospering. i am no longer willing to shortchange myself or them in order to accommodate others. this goes for him or anyone else.

thank you for your support and honest responses. you might not always tell us what we want to hear, but your input has helped me see the things for what they really are. i just wanted to let you know how much you have helped and that i really appreciate you taking the time to help.
hugs and prayers.

hello-kitty

Pacific you are a beautiful, sweet person with so much love to share. You are doing everything you can to make a stable, positive life for your children. And that's such hard work (I speak from experience...). You deserve to be loved and supported for your efforts. Not broken down and insulted. Ever.

But your AH is a sick man. His mean-ness has nothing to do with you. He is just sick and he's doing the only thing he knows how to do - manipulating and hurting others. In my opinion, that's part of the disease. It's not part of recovery. Maybe he's clean but he's not a healthy partner or parent right now. His actions are showing that he has a long way to go. But you seem to be on the path to recovery, and you should to keep on it, no matter what he does.

And a urine test as a gift? Yuk... And to your parents too? I think that's a little creepy...

Stay on the wise path sweetie. You are getting stronger every day. You will make it.

Give that sweet newborn a big hug from me. I'm jealous. I wish I had one. :-)

pacificsunrise

hello-kitty,

thank you so much for this. i don't know why, but it brought tears to my eyes. i guess it's just been a while since i've heard some positive affirmations from people other than here at SR. and you are right, it is hard and sometimes i can be my worst critic, but i'm working on it.

as far as AH goes, he has always been the one to involve our families more in what was going on with our personal lives. before i used to see it as being a more family oriented person than i was b/c i don't specifically get along that well w/ my parents. i used to joke that they loved him more than they loved me. now, though i'm almost tempted to think that his involving my parents and my sister is more of a manipulation technique than really being all that loving family person. not sure, but just a hunch.

it is hard for me to separate his true self from his addicted self. and even if he got completely clean TODAY, i would have to assess his behaviors and really think about whether i want to be with him or not. this is so unusual for me to even think about. all these years, i have considered meeting him and having him in my life as one of the best things that have happened to me. it makes me cringe just to say that now.

thank you for your kindness and encouragement. and i will loan you my newborn, so i can get some sleep and every time she makes a stinkie that requires a full body bath. lol. just kidding.
hugs and prayers to you.

pacificsunrise

cynical,

this is so true and i am now in my mid-thirties and it is sad to say, i'm just now starting to realize it.

your posts have been really helpful. as far as me, most of my life i've been used to criticism, well intended or not, so i've had a lot of practice. at least your posts are well meant and usually what's needed to wake me up from my lala land. i appreciate it.

i think i need to write this down and post it on the wall as a daily reminded to myself. that way i can read it every time i second guess myself or when i am tempted to believe the things that he says to me. it is still not easy to dispose of my conviction that deep down he is a good man and a nice person. right now i'm going back and forth deciding whether it's the drugs that make him act like this or is it just him, being not so nice person. still not sure. but in reality, it isn't really about him. i just need to work on my boundaries and on focusing on myself and the kids.

i wanted to let you know that you are appreciated. also, all your posts and stickies are great. thank you for taking the effort to help and look up all these articles and stuff. it goes a long way and it is so easy to just click on the topic and find good answers instead of sorting through the web pages.

thank you for caring. hugs and prayers.

pacificsunrise

kc,

thank you for your support. one of the things that we both have learned here is to look at their actions, not words and it has paid off for me tremendously. i used to get so sucked in to his sweet words only to find myself let down every time i would get a nasty text. now though, eight months later, i still check his texts (not very commendable), but i can just read them and whether good or bad, i can simply go on with my day. i don't seem to get so frazzled every time he sends a mean text. and same like with your husband, the texts go from the sweetest in the world to me being the worst person on earth without any warning or me replying to any of them.

i am not sure if it is the addiction disease or if it is just his personality any more. either way, it is what it is. i have my life to take care of and it is a full time job. i don't need any other adults requiring me to take care of their business when they are well capable of doing their own work.

on the bright side, i have been quite enjoying working on myself and rediscovering things about myself. it seems it has been so long since i have actually devoted my time to the things that are important to me and for me. it feels good to wake up and look forward to the day centered around what i need rather than focusing on someone else.

thank you for keeping up with me. i am glad that you and Em are doing well and glad that you are still here sharing and posting. you have come a long way in such a short time. i'm really proud of you. your attitude towards this unfortunate situation has been an inspiration for me and i wanted to thank you.

hugs and prayers to you and Em. stay strong.