Tatertot

Hello All, I am sort of struggling with something that you may all condemn me for, but here it is...

I have a family member that is struggling with an addiction (not alcohol or drugs) and they have confided this to me. I have encouraged them to attend their local "___________ Annonymous" group. At first they thought I was joking but then they actually looked into it and found out it existed. They have been going for a few months and finally found the strength to ask for a sponsor.

I am very proud of them because it took a lot of guts to 1)admit they had a problem and b)start going to group.

I started coming here, to SR about a year and a half ago. I don't post much and I don't have much advice to give, but I find it comforting to know that there is this community of complete strangers that offer each other so much support and love.

I know my family member could benefit from this kind of environment but here's the thing... I have refrained from telling them about it because I am selfish and want to maintain my annonymity... they do not know my "handle" because it is not one that I have used before but if they did some creative searching by using certain keywords I'm sure it wouldn't be long before they found out who I am (and I'm sure they would try to find out without a doubt). I know this is a public forum for the whole world to see, but at the same time it is extremely private. I have said things here that I would never dream about telling/asking my family about!

I feel like a big jerk for keeping something from them that I am sure could help them but at the same time I feel like it's "my" space...

Do any of you have family members that also use this site? Do you know each others "handles"?

I know this is the stupidest struggle in the world, and I know the obvious answer is to share the site with them if I know it would help them. But there is that deep, dark part of me that whispers (kind of like Gollum in Lord of the Rings) "Mine mine mine mine..."

Any advice for this selfish member?

Seren

I think many couples do not tell one another about SR because they want to be able to post without censoring themselves for fear the spouse will read the posts. I don't think it is problem, and I don't think you are being selfish.

Muunray

I wouldn't worry about it. You're not obligated.
I'm the exact opposite though..I've told my doctors, my boyfriend, my daughter, and one of my daughter's friends about this site.

TeM

I understand your anxiety. I'd be quite embarrassed if my family or friends saw what I've written here. Part of it is that people who haven't lived with an alcoholic have trouble understanding just how frustrating it can be. Even my own daughter, who sees it first hand and has confronted AW more than I have, doesn't quite understand the concept of detaching. She still seems determined to make her mother stop drinking, whereas I have given up on that quest.

There's value in anonymity... it let's us say things we might not say otherwise, and that's therapeutic, at least for me.

StarCat

There's nothing wrong with not sharing this site.

If you feel that having a forum to post on would be helpful, of course, you could always tell them that there are forums for different addictions and that if he/she googles hers she could find a good site to share. They might end up here, they might not, but either way it doesn't matter - they're aware that the option exists.

Programmatic

It is imperative that I keep my recovery at the forefront. SR is for me. If I feel that sharing SR infringes on my ability to utilize it then I simply don't share it and guilty feelings about that are likely tied to some manner of assuming responsibility for another person's recovery which is quite frankly, none of my business.

In a situation such as above I might simply suggest that the person search online for support forums as there are several and they are be free to find the ones that work best for them.

Tatertot

Programmatic, the bolded part above really struck a chord with me. Even though I love this family member dearly, it is true that they are the only person I have *ever* exhibited any co-dependant behavior around.

I want to be able to support them, without infringing on my own well-being... so I like the idea of suggesting to them to search the internet for recovery forums specific to their addiction. (I never thought of that!)

I'm glad that they took me seriously when I suggested finding their local _________ Annonymous group. They have already said that it helps them to know that they are not alone. (They honestly did not know that this particular group existed when I suggested it, which is why they thought I was joking/making fun of them.) So maybe they will also take my suggestion seriously when I mention that maybe they should find an online support forum for it!

You guys rock! I love coming to this place to get some "outside the box" thinking

And thank you for telling me I'm not as horribly selfish as I was beginning to think I was...

wicked

No Way!
Tatertots, you are a lovely person.
I wonder how you would act if i asked for one of your tatertots?
(I am being silly because I remember how my oldest would wrap his little arm around his plate, look at me with those beautiful bright blue eyes and say "NO!" when I asked him)
:ghug3
Beth

lillamy

Word!!!
And I have to tell you, because it's kind of funny -- I had a similar situation, where I finally told a friend about SR... and her response was? "I spend HOURS there every day!" We still haven't stumbled upon each other here -- or at least recognized each other...

Tatertot

Lol! You'd be lucky because I love to share! Since I have no husband or family I really don't bake or cook much... so when I do it's because I am making things for other people

Unfortunately my SO is celiac so when I bake for him I must make things gluten free... however he is alway so amazed that I am able to make things taste SOOOO good. He says others have tried baking him things in the past but they always tasted like sawdust and fell apart. When I bake he has to do a double take and ask if I'm SURE it's gluten free, lol!

So Beth, you are welcome to my tatertots anytime

SoloMio

I agree that the anonymity here is exactly what I want and I'm not about to share it with anyone. If I know my kids are coming to visit I regularly log out and clear my computer cache. This place is mine.