CagedBird

I have written a letter to my AH. I have a hard time talking face to face with him because it turns into a verbal attack and I tuck tail and walk away.

I wanted to run it by you guys and see what advice, or edits, suggestions, etc. you guys could give.


Thanks in advance.



"AH,

I've written to you before, with no results... so I am not expecting a miracle here.
It's easier to me to talk to you through writing, so this is what I'm doing.

First. Know that I love you. No matter what happens between us, that will always be true.

We are in a bad financial situation, and it's not getting any better that I can see. If it keeps going this way, we are going to lose everything. Starting with our home.

I'm going to say some things that you don't want to hear, and some that will probably make you mad. I have to say them anyway. I hope you understand.

I don't know if you are in denial, or if you're just trying to fool everyone, but your drinking is a problem. I'm not telling you this to make you mad, or try to force you to stop. It's your demon. I understand that. And I know that nothing I can do is going to change what you do. That doesn't change the fact that it affects all of us.

No, you are not abusive, but you drive drunk. You spend more money than we can afford on wine, you sleep all weekend, and call in to work. The vast majority of our problems as a couple, and your problems with work and money all come from drinking.

I know that I was in denial for a long time. I'm not anymore. I am working on myself, and trying make myself happy. Because of this, I see what the problem is, and I don't want to be a part of it anymore.

I have been enabling you by keeping quiet about my feelings and taking on all of the burdens of our financial situation.

Your parents enable by paying your child support, our bills, mechanic bills, giving us groceries, etc. etc.

It all comes from love, but when it comes down to it, it's not really helping. It's just drawing out the inevitable crash and burn.

Your drinking has caused a rift between us as a couple, it affects your relationship with the kids, and with our entire extended families. Not only this, but it has affected our ability to pay our bills.

I understand better than anyone that money is tight. EVERY CENT that I have goes to support this family. EVERY CENT. And I make a dollar less than you an hour. I feel as if you feel that it's okay that you pay whatever you feel you "can" and because everything is tied to my bank account, when the money isn't there, I am the one who has to deal with the consequences.

I'm the one who gets the phone calls, or has to make the phone calls, or have meetings with the landlord, or have my account overdrawn, and if I try to talk to you about it, it's "I don't need this right now." or "I don't want to hear about it." etc. So, I am left to deal with it all on my own.

I don't feel like you understand the consequences of our bill issues. You're like, "Why is our bill $900?" but when I try to talk to you about it, I'm met with suspicion about why it wasn't paid, and it's treated as if it's my fault... or worse, it's just blown off.

I also understand that you want to visit J. I do think though, that you should only do what we can afford. If it's going to break us, or if it's a choice between rent and visiting, I have to say that you should probably choose rent. We have to have a roof. Plus, as has been suggested a number of times, if you're going to be doing that much driving, you really need to trade in your truck for something more fuel efficient.

and I think we both know that you are spending a LOT of money on wine. I just don't understand how you can justify always having a bottle (or two) in the fridge, when we don't have milk for the baby, or we can't pay our electric bill, or our car insurance, or our internet. It just doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up.

I understand that you think you need it. I also understand the desire to have something to relax with in the evenings. I just think that it's time to take responsibility for the bigger picture, and find another way to unwind. Go for a run.

Not to mention the fact that you drink and drive every day. Sometimes with your son in the car. That is not okay. Even if you think you can handle it. You are risking not only your life, but J, and every other person on the road. AND if you get caught, you will lose any visitation with J, and you will go to jail. Leaving M and I to deal with the consequences on our own.

I know all of the money excuses and the half-truths that you use. I've heard them a million times, as have your parents. It all comes down to your addiction, and you're the only one who doesn't see it.

It's time to wake up. Time to grow up. I would love it if you would get a bank account, and help take some of the burden of responsibility of bills off of me by helping me out more with that. I would love it if you showed some initiative with that instead of letting me deal with everything on my own.


Basically, this is what it comes down to.

You're a grown man, and you can make your own decisions. You will do so no matter what I say or do anyway.

I'm a grown person too. My focus is on having a real life. Not squeaking out an existence by the skin of my teeth, constantly worrying about when the other foot is going to drop. Always begging for money. My focus is on M, and what's best for him.



So, my decision is this.

If by the time our lease is up in April/May, you have made no attempt at recovery, I will be moving out. I will get my own place for M and I.

We can work together on M visitation. I'm not trying to take him away from you.

And it doesn't have to mean divorce... but things HAVE to change so that we can all be happy.

I need your help.

I love you. I want us to work out. I want to be happy and live together forever.
I just do not want to live with the addict anymore."



I know it's long, and I'm wondering if I ramble too much.

It's coming from a place of just wanting to let him know what I'm thinking, and I don't want it to come off that I'm trying to make him quit, but saying I'm not going to stick around if he doesn't....

Am I contradicting myself? Ugh.

nodaybut2day

This is the only thing I think you really need:

IMO, his eyes will glaze over after the first few sentences, if he gets that far. Speak a language your AH can understand: set a boundary and be ready to enforce it.

Also, April/May are rather far away. I forsee many manipulation and sabotage tactics ahead to prevent you from leaving. Is there any way you can get him to leave sooner?

GettingBy

I agree with NDB2D... it's rather long and while I understand you are frustrated with his spending - I don't see any boundary for the problem. It seems to me like you have written the letter to him in hopes that it will get him to change/sober up, and thus resolve the $$ problem. YOu can't CHANGE him.

I wrote so many of those letters to my AH over the years - always thinking, "Oh, this time he'll get it!!" But he never did - because what I repeatedly failed to do was set boundaries to protect myself. Boundaries, as stated by others, are not rules for others - they are guidelines for US on how we want OUR lives to be.

For me, I will not live with an active alcoholic. If I find myself in a living situation with one, I will take appropriate action to separate myself from it.

I will not tolerate verbal/physical abuse of me or my children. If it happens, I will immediately separate myself/kids from the abuser, and report to the authorities, if necessary.

I will have a roof over my head, gas in my car, heat/lights, and food on my table. If I do not have the money to provide those things, I will take appropriate action to ensure that happens. If someone is spending that money on me, I will do what I need to do to protect my funds. If I do not make enough money to ensure that happens, I will work towards a new job/second job to obtain the funds I need.

I will not tolerate drunk driving. If I see it/know of it - I will report it. I will not get in the car with a drunk driver, nor will I drive drunk myself. If I have had too much to drink, I will make alternate arrangements (get a ride, or crash on a couch).


Caged Bird... what are your boundaries? That's what you need to figure out... and then communicate them to your husband.

GettingBy

One more boundary....

I will be 100% responsible for myself - because I am able and willing. I will not support someone who is able but unwilling.

Your husband has no incentive to help out - because he knows that you will continue to shoulder the burden of responsibility. You're pulling both ropes - and it's keeping him from participating.

Let his go.

CagedBird

Thanks guys.

It is hard to change your thinking. I'm working on it. Everytime I think I've got it, I go back to Codie Hell.

I would move out sooner, but it's just not doable right now. The hole is so big, I have to wait until the lease is up, and for my tax return for deposits and such. I'm looking at options.

m1k3

Try something. Take your letter out back and read it to a tree and see what sort of impact it has. At least the tree won't get mad. The letter was great therapy for YOU but it is worthless for changing him. Doesn't matter what you do or what threats you make. He won't get better until he is ready.

BTW the if you don't stop drinking by... wasn't a boundary. It was an ultimatum and they simply don't work with alcoholics. A boundary states if this happens then I will do ...

It sounds like you know what you need to do.

Your friend,

SoaringSpirits

Too long and TMI. His eyes will glaze over and he won't see your message. I agree with NoDay. Give him the punch line straight up. And be specific about what you consider "attempts at recovery" because that's way too vague. And start getting your ducks in a row to move out.

GettingBy

THAT... I understand! Truly. Nobody here is telling you to make sudden, rash decisions. I promise you that. When I first started posted, I felt an "urgency" in the responses I was getting. Like I needed to do something... like... NOW!

What I have learned over the past 6 months is that MY recovery takes time. In the beginning, I knew I needed to do something - but everything I tried early on boiled down to me REACTING. As I have evolved, I have learned to take my time. To sit in my discomfort - because as I sit, my thinking clears and I gain a deeper understanding of what I am feeling and what I may or may not want to do. My decisions have gotten so much better.

What I have also learned is that I needed to STOP writing/talking to my AH. All of my attempts to reach out to him:
1) was an effort to change him
2) was me looking for validation that AH just couldn't give me
3) got me sucked back in our dance/merry-go-round
4) kept me from recovering

Limiting my communications with my AH is what's best for ME. My new "muscles" (boundaries) are still forming and I'm still susceptible to the "merry-go-round." Keeping my mouth shut has done wonders for my serenity!!

So... take your time... one step at a time...

How about starting with an Al-anon meeting? Learning about alcoholism. And yeah, maybe getting a separate checking account and protecting your money (that one I would suggest doing... like... NOW).

CagedBird

Thanks, GettingBy.

I am going to Al-Anon once a week. It's good.

I have the only account, and he cannot access it. He uses cash. (no paper trail. :P)
It's just a matter of getting his half of the bills out of him. It's so maddening.

He's not horrible to live with other than when we talk about alcohol or money. I've stopped bringing up the alcohol, but unfortunately the money has to be brought up fairly regularly.

dollydo

Alcoholics/Drug Addicts have the attention span of a 3 year old and very little comprehension.

If you need to write him something, keep it simple, here are my bounderies, if you do not respect them, this is what will happen.

Just my 2 cents.

nodaybut2day

In the meantime, you can work on recovery, as Gettingby suggested, and you can start protecting your money and your credit from him, in order to have a solid exit strategy once the spring comes. Separate finances if applicable; deny him access to your money...no more buying booze, no more making his life easy (I ended up not doing XAH's laundry and ironing, and making food only for myself).

Another big step for, back when I was still with XAH, was not taking care of his affairs (doctor's appointments, correspondence, school related things for his DS).

I know others on the board have come up with boundaries that were important to them while they worked their way out of living with their alcoholic. Perhaps they'll have other suggestions for you.

GettingBy

For me - when I'm up against a problem - my starting point is the serenity prayer.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

What can't I change? People, places, and things... especially alcoholics
What can I change? Me

My husband loved to spend money on beer/bars too. It is maddening, frustrating, dissappointing... I could go on and on. But I learned that I couldn't change him or control him. He's an alcoholic - he's going to do what he's going to do. Trying to stop that was like stepping out in front of a damn train.

For me, I learned how to protect myself by a separate account (which you have! GOOD!!), limiting my expenses (disconnect cable/internet if necessary?), and get extra cash (part time job?). Those are things I CAN control.