toughLittleGirl

I'm new to this site and I love all the support everywhere. I just want to share my story and maybe get feedback on the current situation. I was with my addict bf for a year. Heroin is his doc. When we first got together he was honest about his past use stating he had been clean for two years, but he still drank and used weed and pills. I was unaware of the nature of addiction and just told him if he ever used heroin again i would be done forever. Well he relapsed twice and the first time i took him back because he checked himself into a rehab and went to a three quarter house after and went to meetings. He moved out of the three quarter house into his cousins in Detroit right where he used to cop. He relapsed again. I went through the worst hell for two months being in denial about his use. He stole my cellphone and thats when I knew for sure he was using again. I broke it off and told him it was over for good untill he showed me through actions that he could take care of himself and maintane sobriety. He started counseling and soboxin and antidepressants. He has been off heroin for 90 days, got his own apt, held a job, and started sending money to pay me back what he stole. Today i agreed to come visit and see his apt. I was feeling really good about his recovery untill today. I went through his phone, ( I know I shouldn't have) and found texts about him selling his.soboxin, and found out he still is in contact with a user friend who uses pills. I got upset and confronted him and he just said that she is a good friend that's always been there for him bla.bla .... He also offered me one.of his soboxins. Weird right? I want to think he is on the right track because he got his own place and has a good job, he hasn't had his own place in seven years but I am disturbed that he keeps in touch with users. I have read about codependancy and go to naranon but I just can't leave him alone. He says when i left him last time he hit bottom and never wants to do it againi but i just don't believe anymore. I stayed the weekend with him and we got physical and i fear I am condoning his behaivior by always coming back.

toughLittleGirl

I guess I would like to know what you think. Is he serious about staying sober? Why would he offer me oneone of his soboxins? I was so proud that I cut him out of my life for three months and feel likei am backtracking. I'm not even sure if I love him anymore, I dont trust him. Is it worth staying with an addict if they continue recovery? Everyone tells me to run. I think I'm addicted to him. Or to love. I turn down dates becuase I don't trust men yet I run to the one that made me not trust.anymore. I feel very lost.

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery. You have found a really GREAT place with lots and lots of good Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

Read the 'stickys' at the top of this forum, read a bunch of the threads.

Nope I would say he is not.

If I were you, I would be going to some Naranon or Alanon meetings (I suggest Alanon as many times there are many more of those than Naranon) and work on yourself.

I want to scream RUN but I won't, lol I would suggest that you back away, and watch his ACTIONS to see if they are those of a person in recovery. What you have described above are NOT the ACTIONS of someone in SERIOUS RECOVERY.

Please take care of you as you are the only one you can fix.

Please continue to post and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh at the antics of those still in active addiction.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

dollydo

No, to me, he is not serious about his recovery. I'd say he is already using something.

Read the stickies at the top of this forum, get to some meetings...work on you....and
don't jump back into the fire, you will get burned.

We are here for you, keep posting.

outtolunch

Ultimatums are attempts to control someone else. Trying to control someone else does not work. There is nothing, absolutely nothing, you can do or not that will cause or prevent a relapse. You are not that powerful. None of us are.

It does not sound like he has ever been clean and sober, given he drinks , smokes weed and uses pills. While heroin may sound more dangerous, the combo of pills and alcohol are far more likely to damage him, land him in prison or even kill him. Addiction is addiction and it's all progressive.

Selling his subs (common addict behavior) or handing out a free sample to you ( weird does not even begin to describe this- he must have been off his rocker to do so) means nothing is as it appears, here. While he may or may not be shooting heroin, he's not remotely into recovery.

Addiction demands he protect and sustain it and he's clearly been doing so, all along.

Take the emphasis off him and use that time and energy to figure out what's acceptable to you. Boundaries, unlike attempts to control other people, begin with "I will/will not...." For example, a boundary " I will not be in a relationship with someone in active addiction" is healthy for you. It does not seek to control the other person. If /when confronted with active addiction, you take responsibility for yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

In the meantime, get yourself checked out for STDs. You have no idea what he's been into and his past can become your future.

hello-kitty

My ex wanted me to use drugs with him because it provided him with the opportunity to say "well you do them too".

I used drugs with him and I got extremely addicted to crack.

Is this what you want out of life? To be with a drug pusher? If not, then I think it's time for you to start working on your personal boundaries and setting some goals for yourself so you can achieve what you want to achieve in life.

IMO, it takes a real A-hole to try to give dope to his non-addict girlfriend. And even non-recovering addicts will tell you the same thing.

Ilovemysonjj

KC79, totally saw that with my son. He went to 3 meetings a week all while using H in our home.

toughLittleGirl

Thank you everyone! I love to be in denial lol. I dont think he means it this time either. Itold him about an article i read that outlines when people are serious or full of crap about recovery and confronted him about selling his sub, offering it to me, and so on. I said "i dont think your serious about recovery, why dont you go to meetings? " and so on, he got pretty defensive. I def need to take a step back. Havnt been to naranon in too long. So im gonna wait and see. It kinda baffles me because he reports to parole once a week and is on subs, how could he using? Unless he is lying....

357girl

how many more red flags do you want to see? if you are waiting to catch him in the act, good luck.

sometimes we simply become addicted to playing detective in the addict's life. it's exhausting, and a complete waste of our own life.

toughLittleGirl

I do not want to catch him. I want to bwlieve he is better but three months does not cure twenty years of abuse and ten years of using. I know I need to let him go. I'm going to go to a meeting tomorrow. Should make me feel better.

toughLittleGirl

Thank you so much for responding! You all help me stay strong! So glad I found this site! So I hadnt seen my XABF for three months, lied to my family and friends and stayed the weekend with him. I noticed he is still acting like a user and just kinda being all around selfish and narcissistic. I got home and told my parents what I did. They kinda hate him. They agreed to go to a meeting with me tomorrow!!! yay! And I told the XABF that I need space and time to work on myself and that I thought he wasnt serious about recovery (maybe shouldnt have said that oh well) and that I have faith he can get better. He responds with anger, telling me not to judge him, and to let him prove himself more. I said that he can prove all he wants but I wont be coming to visit anytime soon as I don't have any trust left in him and its to soon for me. I told him sorry for leading him on but I need to work on myself right now and after visiting him I realized that. He says, "Fine! Im moving on then! Good bye!" I got mad and said, "Fine! Don't contact me anymore!!!!" To which he responds "ok" lol. He gets under my skin so bad!!!!!! I want to say mean things to him make him hurt like, "remember when you stole my phone and guitar and tip money? remember how you lied to me for minths while you used and I thought I was crazy because you wouldnt give what I needed in a relationship?" The whole time we were together was pretty much the worst time in my life and I keep going back. Crazy. Thank you for helping me open my eyes and not go through the pain of relapse a third time. It hurts so much though.

humnbird

Good for you!! Stay strong. We're in the same boat. It does get better!! Pain can't last forever...

toughLittleGirl

So my XABF is out of my life. No calls, no Facebook, no texts. It feels good to take charge of my life and focus on me. He told me he was going to start seeing other people as he is lonely and i won't help him with his lonliness. BS. He is lonely because he burned all his briges from years of opiate addiction. I tried to give him hope and ultimatums, telling him we can try again if gets and stays in recovery. I now realize it doesn't matter what i say or what picture I paint of the future he will use untill he is ready ro stop. I realize interacting with him makes me vulnerable to his manipulation and we will probably never be together and I am ok with that. I don't want a man that steals, lies, nods out all the time, treats me like crap and makes me feel guilty for his actions. I never again will put myself in this situation and i will go to nar anon for the rest of my life to remember the dark place I was in when I was with him. It still hurts to be rejected by him but i work through it and think about who he is today, not what i hope him to be. He may never turn into the man i want to be. And that's ok. Thankful that i went throuh this and found naranon at the young age of 27 so I can stop my cycle of dating addicts and alcoholics!!! Everyday is a new beginning. I do keep hope in my heart he stops.

hopeful0323

I too am 27. I am so glad that I went throught this at a young age beecause I needed to be in alanon long ago growing up with an emotionally abusive alcoholic father. Isn't it funny how life presents these painful opportunities to turn our lives around. Prayers and Hugs.

dollydo

Add "Smart" to "Tough Little Girl"...as you are...so proud of you!

Life is a song worth singing....sing it!

toughLittleGirl

Thanks guys. Glad I found the strength to walk away. Everyone on here helps me so much. Whenever i feel sad or angry just start reading......love to all!!! Hope I inspire someone like I have been inspired.

dollydo

"Hope I inspire someone like I have been inspired."

++++++++++++++++++++

Everyone who reads your thread will be inspired, that I know for a fact!

toughLittleGirl

I blocked his number but some texts came through from. "he is sorry and misses me too much and can't we work it out?" I deleted them as soon as they cam in and found an app on my phone to block the texts. Usually I would respond and get drawn back into the insanity. But I didn't this time! Breakthrough for me. I am doing my daily reading and writing a lot in my journal. when I feel sad or lonely i recognize the feeling for five mins tops then think about something else. I'm not going to allow this to destroy my life anymore. Every day is still really hard but it will get easier as time goes by and I work on my recovery.
Last night I had the realization that Adam is a drug pusher. He would always offer his pills, want to drink with me, saying he could drink and not use heroin, and then this last time I saw him, I used suboxone with him. How long untill I tried Heroin with him? I never ever wanted to do it, but then again, I never was a pill popper or had the desire to do suboxone either. And I started to become one when he was in active addiction and I was still with him. (the first couple months we were together, I had no idea I was enabling at that time) when he relapsed the third time, i wished I was addicted to heroin so I didnt have to feel the pain. In a crazy moment, I wanted to try it to understand better how to help him. How crazy is that? whenever I miss him, I think about that. My exabf is a drug pusher. He even told me one time that he got a fourteen year old strung out on heroin so he could sell it to her. Scary scary scary! i am thankful that i got away when I did. Peace and blessings!!!!!!! Staying strong!!! Everyday is a new beginning.....

geno1982

you cant baby him and stay by his side. i used to be a meth addict and the only way i stayed clean is when i wanted for myself. everyone else wanted for me but i was hurting enough.i had to lose everything before my rock bottom was so low that i had nothing, no where to go and nobody to talk to. than i checked into rehab. i have been clean since 12-12-05. i hope this helps

lesliej

I am praying for you that you stay strong and stay away. Yes to letting the five minute bubbles pass. The details are horrific! I am praying that you do not go back anywhere near someone who wants to entangle you in using.