Don't know how to support
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Don't know how to support
Hi Everyone,
I am new to SR and this is my first time posting. I have been following the forums a lot lately which have been very helpful to my situation in providing guidance.
About two months ago, I started seeing a recovering heroin addict. Things moved along really fast and got very intense within the time span of about month, then things started getting really serious and really rocky. Long story short, we realized how difficult it was for both of us to try to maintain this relationship as a casual one (which is what we both initially agreed on) and saw ourselves looking for something more serious with each other. About a dozen fights later, we both decided it would be best to drop the relationship and remain friends. He told me that he is in love with me, but that he basically can't handle caring for another person right now in a serious relationship -- understandable, so I told him I will back off and support him in his recovery in any way possible as a platonic friend.
Here's the issue: he gets drunk at work, on the clock. I have caught him doing this several times and called him out on it, the last confrontation ending in threats (what if i threw this out? he'd punch me). He's tried making the excuse before that at least he is not out on the streets buying heroin, as if drinking is a better alternative. He says he is serious about his recovery, but then he gets hammered every day at work. When we are out in public, it is really hard for me to not drink in a social setting, because I am afraid it might enable him to do the same. I don't know what to do....I'm so confused. Advice?
I am new to SR and this is my first time posting. I have been following the forums a lot lately which have been very helpful to my situation in providing guidance.
About two months ago, I started seeing a recovering heroin addict. Things moved along really fast and got very intense within the time span of about month, then things started getting really serious and really rocky. Long story short, we realized how difficult it was for both of us to try to maintain this relationship as a casual one (which is what we both initially agreed on) and saw ourselves looking for something more serious with each other. About a dozen fights later, we both decided it would be best to drop the relationship and remain friends. He told me that he is in love with me, but that he basically can't handle caring for another person right now in a serious relationship -- understandable, so I told him I will back off and support him in his recovery in any way possible as a platonic friend.
Here's the issue: he gets drunk at work, on the clock. I have caught him doing this several times and called him out on it, the last confrontation ending in threats (what if i threw this out? he'd punch me). He's tried making the excuse before that at least he is not out on the streets buying heroin, as if drinking is a better alternative. He says he is serious about his recovery, but then he gets hammered every day at work. When we are out in public, it is really hard for me to not drink in a social setting, because I am afraid it might enable him to do the same. I don't know what to do....I'm so confused. Advice?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
This guy is not serious about or in recovery.
He's temporarily substituting alcohol for heroin. It will escalate.
We codependents use the word support a lot to sustain our own fantasies that we have control /influence over the addicted person. Our support is usually enablement.
If he was serious about recovery, he would take responsibility for himself and remove himself from social situations that involve any substance, especially in early recovery. His recovery, lack thereof, is his responsibility.
You are not his keeper. Sounds like sooner or later he will be terminated for being drunk. Maybe that consequence will cause him to reconsider his path or maybe being unemployed will give him more time to drink/drug. Regardless, it's his choice. Get out of his way. Let him fall and experience the consequences. It is his only shot.
He's temporarily substituting alcohol for heroin. It will escalate.
We codependents use the word support a lot to sustain our own fantasies that we have control /influence over the addicted person. Our support is usually enablement.
If he was serious about recovery, he would take responsibility for himself and remove himself from social situations that involve any substance, especially in early recovery. His recovery, lack thereof, is his responsibility.
You are not his keeper. Sounds like sooner or later he will be terminated for being drunk. Maybe that consequence will cause him to reconsider his path or maybe being unemployed will give him more time to drink/drug. Regardless, it's his choice. Get out of his way. Let him fall and experience the consequences. It is his only shot.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
As I try to remind myself all the time when it comes to addicts -- words mean nothing, actions are everything.
Actions: He is getting drunk. Daily. At work. And threatening violence.
Nothing else matters -- addicts do an amazing job of using words to manipulate us, but at the end of the day my advice is to put all the words aside and just look at the actions. Looking at his actions, clearly is not serious about recovery, and any energy or "support" you provide to him will hence be meaningless. He will just continue to suck the life out of you, as you try to "help" him. The only person who can support his recovery is him. Period. It is his addiction, they will be his consequences, and there is nothing you can or should do other than take care of yourself. I second outtolunch -- get out of his way!
Oh, and if you haven't already, check out the stickies
They are really useful!
Actions: He is getting drunk. Daily. At work. And threatening violence.
Nothing else matters -- addicts do an amazing job of using words to manipulate us, but at the end of the day my advice is to put all the words aside and just look at the actions. Looking at his actions, clearly is not serious about recovery, and any energy or "support" you provide to him will hence be meaningless. He will just continue to suck the life out of you, as you try to "help" him. The only person who can support his recovery is him. Period. It is his addiction, they will be his consequences, and there is nothing you can or should do other than take care of yourself. I second outtolunch -- get out of his way!
Oh, and if you haven't already, check out the stickies
They are really useful!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
wow, i really appreciate the straightforward responses. I will do my best to step aside from the line of fire. Because I also work with him occasionally, it will be tough for me to stop confronting him about the alcohol...
I will do my best to step aside from the line of fire. Because I also work with him occasionally, it will be tough for me to stop confronting him about the alcohol...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: St. Louis, Mo. USA
Posts: 265
Welcome
Sorry you had to seek us out, glad you found us.
Being new you haven't had to deal with this for years as may of us have, and through the time a little anger builds. You are so new to this and not really committed to a long term relationship. So in all honesty You don't want to be and it is best to walk away now. For the best thing for him is to hit rock bottom quickly and all you will do is prolong it. You will help him with out even knowing it. You will suffer more than he will.
If you read the stickies and other posts her you will see some of the pain and suffering the loved ones have to deal with. The best thing for him is to seek professional help, and to attend NA. The best thing for you is to go to Nar-anon to help you cope and understand. And of course keep posting and reading here.
Sorry you had to seek us out, glad you found us.
Being new you haven't had to deal with this for years as may of us have, and through the time a little anger builds. You are so new to this and not really committed to a long term relationship. So in all honesty You don't want to be and it is best to walk away now. For the best thing for him is to hit rock bottom quickly and all you will do is prolong it. You will help him with out even knowing it. You will suffer more than he will.
If you read the stickies and other posts her you will see some of the pain and suffering the loved ones have to deal with. The best thing for him is to seek professional help, and to attend NA. The best thing for you is to go to Nar-anon to help you cope and understand. And of course keep posting and reading here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
what would you do if you encountered any OTHER employee drunk on the job at your place of employment? what is the protocol and what are your personal ethics on the matter?
he not only doesn't sound AT ALL in the same section of the dictionary as Recovery but he also doesn't much sound like decent BF material...careless reckless behaviors coupled with threats of personal harm? um, no thanks!
drinking ON the job is a deliberate defiant act and one that will surely get him fired soon enough. almost sounds like he's setting himself up to fail. not uncommon among addicts!
he not only doesn't sound AT ALL in the same section of the dictionary as Recovery but he also doesn't much sound like decent BF material...careless reckless behaviors coupled with threats of personal harm? um, no thanks!
drinking ON the job is a deliberate defiant act and one that will surely get him fired soon enough. almost sounds like he's setting himself up to fail. not uncommon among addicts!
i feel conflicted, because I really do not want any part in this any longer, but I feel that telling my boss the truth will make me a bigger part of this situation than I already am at work. My boss knows about our close friendship, so I don't want to skew the perception he has of me or my character because of my association...
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
As a former manager of a large staff, I often felt the "bird of a feather fly together" adage repeated itself over and over. If it is perceived that he is a thief, his other bad behaviours are undoubtedly coming to light. If you are perceived as his friend, an unfavourable perception of you may already be forming and it may be construed that you are "partners in crime".
If only you think he may be taking the money, on top of what you already know about his drinking on the job, you may have to think hard about your next course of action and you may be jeopardizing your own employment.
Either way, distancing yourself professionally and personally may be wise at this time.
If only you think he may be taking the money, on top of what you already know about his drinking on the job, you may have to think hard about your next course of action and you may be jeopardizing your own employment.
Either way, distancing yourself professionally and personally may be wise at this time.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by twininfinitives
i feel conflicted, because I really do not want any part in this any longer, but I feel that telling my boss the truth will make me a bigger part of this situation than I already am at work.
We have to CYA too! Employees like your friend could cost us millions and put us out of business in a heartbeat. We seriously question the judgment, common sense, and morals of employees "in the know" who kept quiet. If they don't look out for us, we have no reason to look out for them, either.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
Cover Your A** Take a cue from Penn State. It is never ever ever better to stay quiet when there is questionable activity. I am not a business owner, but I am a manager. When he is exposed (not if!) it is likely people will assume you knew some or all of what was going on based on your association. If you step up and say something you are making clear that you know and are consciously distancing yourself from him and his behaviors. Good luck and sorry you are in such a crappy position.
Take a cue from Penn State. It is never ever ever better to stay quiet when there is questionable activity. I am not a business owner, but I am a manager. When he is exposed (not if!) it is likely people will assume you knew some or all of what was going on based on your association. If you step up and say something you are making clear that you know and are consciously distancing yourself from him and his behaviors. Good luck and sorry you are in such a crappy position.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 6
i want to thank everyone who has given me advice on my situation thus far.
To give you an update- this morning when I worked, I told my boss. He did not care. His response was that he has had knowledge for quite some time that my friend has been drinking at work, he knows for sure that he has been stealing the money, and that he also is aware about his substance abuse (although my boss doesn't know exactly which substance) because there have been other employees that have come forward concerning the issue. In fact, one employee was so disgusted that my boss has not fired my friend yet, that he quit!
In my boss' words, he said, "Look, I don't really care what happens outside of work...but when he is here, he seems to do his job and what is asked of him. He works fine,"
I am so upset right now. I don't know where to take it from here. He thanked me for "being a canary in a mine" but made it clear that he won't be taking any action on this because he does not have the time to deal with it. awesome.
To give you an update- this morning when I worked, I told my boss. He did not care. His response was that he has had knowledge for quite some time that my friend has been drinking at work, he knows for sure that he has been stealing the money, and that he also is aware about his substance abuse (although my boss doesn't know exactly which substance) because there have been other employees that have come forward concerning the issue. In fact, one employee was so disgusted that my boss has not fired my friend yet, that he quit!
In my boss' words, he said, "Look, I don't really care what happens outside of work...but when he is here, he seems to do his job and what is asked of him. He works fine,"
I am so upset right now. I don't know where to take it from here. He thanked me for "being a canary in a mine" but made it clear that he won't be taking any action on this because he does not have the time to deal with it. awesome.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 115
wow, twininfinitives. i think you made a good, strong decision by saying something. i am only sorry (and shocked!) about the response you got! please keep in mind that this outcome does not change the fact that you did the right thing -- you don't have control of your boss's response or actions!
i don't know where you work, but if you have an HR dept i would take your concerns there.
i don't know where you work, but if you have an HR dept i would take your concerns there.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Please be sure to update your resume. Your boss is making a fatal business mistake and his mindset will end up taking him down. Our business has outlasted at least 10 others because of things like this. We have no competitors at this point.
We are the type of business cynical referred to; the ones who provide for our employees above the federal standard. We give quarterly raises and yearly bonuses in the thousands, along with profit sharing. We provide full medical and dental, along with retirement plans. We are also a drug free workplace.
Please don't ever doubt that you did the right thing. I don't know when, but someday you will be rewarded for your business ethics.
We are the type of business cynical referred to; the ones who provide for our employees above the federal standard. We give quarterly raises and yearly bonuses in the thousands, along with profit sharing. We provide full medical and dental, along with retirement plans. We are also a drug free workplace.
Please don't ever doubt that you did the right thing. I don't know when, but someday you will be rewarded for your business ethics.
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