wavygreensea

Hi, I am new here. I have been dealing with an AH for nearly 10 years. I have done everything under the sun and more. Given unlimited chances, etc. I have never been in physical danger which is one reason I have stayed. Also because we have two children and I have nothing to fall back on. I do not have a single friend or family member who has ever dealt with an alcoholic so I have been talking to a select few friends about this and just dealing with it alone for all these years. It never occurred to me to look for a forum. My AH was just released from his 3rd rehab and after only two days out has relapsed again. We have been separated for 3 months now. I'm just trying to find someone else to talk to who knows what this is like. Thanks ~K

dollydo

Welcome, we are here for you. Get comfortable, read around the entire Family & Friends Forums, as what applies to drug users also applies to alcoholics, as they are both catagories of addiction.

Keep posting, the people here care and will support you through your turmoil and unrest.

wavygreensea

Thanks Dolly I've been reading for the past couple hours. So glad I found this site.

mattmathews

You're in the right place. I went through a similar situation. Alcoholism didn't run in my family, and as it progressed in my life (with my wife) I had no idea how to deal with it. I had resigned myself to just living with it...when my wife hit bottom and went into rehab.
And that's when I found help for myself. Up until then, I really didn't recognize how much my wife's alcoholism was effecting me!
I think this forum can be helpful. I think I'm a pretty bright guy, but it hadn't occurred to me to look for something like this either.
I also highly recommend finding a local Al-Anon group. It's a support group dedicated to helping the families of alcoholics. It has made a big difference in my life. You'll be able to find a meeting by searching online. Some people are leery of sharing their issues with strangers (and feel more comfortable doing it anonymously). I've found Al-Anon to be tremendously helpful in my life. I wish I'd learned about it sooner.
Either way...keep coming back!

wavygreensea

Thanks Matt. I have searched for Al-anon here and would like to go check it out. I am in counseling and have my oldest son in counseling as well. I think the reason I haven't been to Al-anon before is that I'm worried about other people's situations affecting me negatively. As a true caretaker, I have a hard time dealing with the super sad stories and situations but I know I need to take the chance that I would benefit from it and just go. My thoughts are that if I can open up a little here, I can eventually take a leap of faith and go to an Al-anon meeting.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please pull out the keyboard and make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We understand and are here to support you in your recovery.

Some of our stories are posted in the permanent posts (called stickies) at the top of the forum page. I always find wisdom when I read those posts.

Welcome!

wavygreensea

Thank you Pelican! I have been reading and reading and reading today off and on. Feel like I've already learned a lot. Not good, but nice to know I'm not alone in this which is how I've felt for a long time.

dollydo

Remember, you cannot change the world, you can only change you, and your preception of the world.

People make choices in life, some good some bad, it is not so much the circumstance we are involved in, it's how we handle it.

Go to the meetings, listen, participate and learn.

lillamy

Welcome, K!

I was skeptical about Al-Anon, too -- I thought of it as a group of sad people sitting around being depressed together... but what I found was the only place on earth where I felt like I was among people who understood me. You know, I'd have my friends, I'd have my church family -- but either they didn't know about my AH's alcoholism, or they were like "oh poor you, let's pray about it, shall we?" and half the time, I felt like it was because it was easier to pray than to actually talk about it.

Even in the toughest, hardest times, when I barely smiled -- Al-Anon was the place where I laughed till I cried. Well, I cried, too, but it was a place where I could let my guard down and just laugh at my own silliness and the weird antics of alcoholics and their spouses alike... in a good way.

We're advised not to give advice here. So I won't give you advice. But I will tell you that you WILL get through this. And you will be proud that you tore yourself away from a destructive situation and wanted better for yourself and your children. I still liken it to getting off a sinking ship, and dragging your kids to safety on the beach with you.

Don't think too far ahead. Take one task at a time and knock'em out. Some days, you'll have the energy to go turn in job applications at ten places, other days, you replace the roll of toilet paper and you're DONE for the day. Listen to your energy levels. Allow yourself to not be Superwoman. But do SOMETHING every day, even if it's hard.

I left my AXH after he threatened to kill me and the children after 20 years of marriage. We were living in hiding (with a friend), who after two days said: "Tomorrow, the kids go back to school and you go back to work. Because more than two days, you've made it harder to get back to a normal. And you have to keep moving ahead."

In retrospect, I'm not sure I was doing many knots at work those first few days, weeks, or months. But I was there and moving forward.

Hang out here and chat and yell and cry and learn and share. It's a good place with good, wise people. I'm glad you're here. Hug the kids from us.

wavygreensea

Thank you My, your post brought tears to my eyes. :') I am so glad I found this forum and still for the life of me can't understand why I didn't look before?!? I think I spent a lot of years in denial about this being as big as it is. So many times I would play the pros and cons in my head and the fact that I love my AH so much always won out. This separation has been so hard but good at the same time. I have my children 16 hours away from my AH and we are in our own home. Of course the original plan was for AH to join us, but I am having serious doubts that will happen. Ours (as most are I'm sure) is a very complicated situation. This is still a daily struggle and I still do exactly what you described....tons one day and barely make the bed on others. But I am trying to take it one day; sometimes one minute - at a time. The support just today has been so helpful. My AH has been trying to contact me all day and hanging out here I have resisted the urge to talk to him. I know he is still drunk so it would be pointless anyway.

The kids have been hugged so much I'm sure they are sick of me now. haha!

I'm glad I'm here too.

TeM

Welcome to the Forum... you'll find lots of good advice and some good listeners here. I can relate to the repeated relapses. Though my AW won't go to rehab, she's promised to quit drinking four times in the last two years. She never gets past five or six weeks before she's back in the bottle.

I haven't found the courage to go to Al-Anon yet, but I know I should. In the meantime, I've found this Forum helpful, especially because it made me realize that I'm not responsible for AW's problem, and I'm not responsible for fixing it. I have also learned the value of detachment, and taking care of myself.

Keep posting, and good luck.

Willybluedog

Hello wavy, so glad you found us.

This is a great place to come and blow off steam when things get bad, we will be here for you if you need a shoulder.

Best of luck to you.

Bill

RollTide

wavygreensea Welcome!

You are most definitely alone. We understand exactly what you are going through and it can best be described as insanity. And after being around it for a while it makes you crazy, too.

This place was a Godsend for me as was Alanon.

We're glad you're here.