kidden

My AH of 7 years left me last week via text message (hes found someone else)
He has been working away for about 7 months, and rang the kids (5 & 10) every night religiously at 8pm - so now here we are a week later and he hasnt phoned them once, he has also disconnected his phone so they cant phone him.
After fielding questions every night with "Daddy is working away and cant use his phone" I had had enough so I sat them down and said:
"You know Daddy drinks alot of Alcohol? Well that makes him sick and he cant think properly. And he has decided to not live with us anymore"
Well the 5 yo burst into sobbing, and the 10 yo asked if he had a girlfriend - I guess she has heard me talking on the phone - I answered with "Well he tells me he does but you will have to ask him"
Was this the right thing to do?

Tessaz

I've told my daughter who's 13 absolutely everything. I had her from a previous relationship, but my AH has been her father since she was 3. She was hurt and now shows anger towards him. I just felt that she needs to know that way of living is not right and I don't want her to make the same mistake as me. Our 2year old... He's not really noticed anything so trying to make life as happy as possible for them both in a normal loving environment. With your loving support your children will be ok :-)

suki44883

No one can tell you if you say the right thing because none of us know your family dynamic. Only you know if they can handle the information and how much to say. As long as you keep their best interests at heart, I think you'll all be okay.

dollydo

I don't know the answer, however, I do know that reenforcing your committment to them daily will ease some of their pain. Don't spoil them,support them, be honest and share your strength and dedication to their well-being.

You do not have the power to change your husband, you do have the power to create a home filled with love and peace....for them.

wavygreensea

I have an 8 year old and a 2 year old and I understand not knowing how much to share and how much to keep from them. I just remember wanting to know when I was younger (when my parents fought or if something was wrong) and so I did the same thing and told my older son what is going on. I didn't go into every detail, but he knows my AH has an addiction problem and we have talked about it at length. I told him I would be honest with him if he had questions and that I would always be here for him. I just wanted to say that I did/would do the very same thing. (((hugs)))

choublak

Several of my uncles are alcoholics. When I was little it was explained to me something like this: "He can't have alcohol because it's bad for him. If he drinks one glass he keeps wanting more and more and is unable to stop."

My heart aches for the five-year-old.

wanttobehealthy

Im so sorry-- what a terrible situation for you all. I have a stbxAH who does the phone shut off thing and my kids too get hurt by it. I think that you are doing the best you can and your responses to your children sound fine to me. It's hard to look a kid in the eye and lie to them when they ask a direct question like your older child did about the girlfriend. Kids know waaaaay more than we give them credit for and I think that you did the best thing to answer directly and honestly. I was lied to by my parents about things that they knew my siblings and I knew and it created so much more sadness and anxiety than the truth would have.

You and your children are in my thoughts....

BASEjumper

I think you did the right thing by telling them the truth. The truth hurts sometimes, and dealing with loss is part of life.

I think the worst thing you could have done was make up some kind of happy lie and string them along, fielding their hopeful questions all the while.

Cyranoak

One thing. You used the alcohol as an excuse to justify his behavior when you were talking to your kids. IMHO that was not the right approach. Alcohol IS NOT an excuse for any behavior, any thought, any word, any deed.

We take differing approaches to talking to our children based our our experience, philosophies, and I'm sure other things as well. My approach was brutal honesty. I figured I couldn't do any more damage than she had already done, and I was finished lying for my wife. I also figure our daughter deserved the truth even if it was painful.

I'm sorry for the pain you and your kids are feeling-- my daughter and I have been there-- but it happened because their dad is an alcoholic philanderer, not because of alcohol. Tons and tons of people drink and get drunk who do not do and say the things your husband has done and said.

Alcohol is not an excuse.

Please consider Alanon for yourself, thank God that he has become somebody else's problem, and please consider counseling for your children.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

kidden

Thanks for the replies - especially yours Cyranoak, that really hit home. In my small town in rural Australia there is only one alanon meeting a week, unfortunatly while im at work. I did however go to see a psychologist who as it turns out spent 25 years working in drug and alcohol treatment facilities (funny how the right people come to you at the right time) anyway she was helpful, alot of what she said rang true. I have another appointment later this week, and im hopeful that this will be part of my road to recovery.
Does anyone know of any online alanon meetings?

LaTeeDa

One thing my counselor stressed to me is how children often blame themselves. It's important to let them know that it has nothing to do with them, it's not their fault, there is nothing they did to cause it, nothing they could have done to prevent it. And to keep repeating that message again and again.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. He is an a$$.

L

Cyranoak

..sort of. They may be great, but I don't know because I live in an Urban area and have a better choice of meetings. Here's a link that may help:

Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Also, great move on going and getting help. The combination of that, being here, and the other things you are going to do seem to me to be great steps in the direction of serenity and peace for you and your children.

Cyranoak

SoaringSpirits

kidden, so sorry you've had this heartache in your family.

I have four kids ages 10, 13, 16 and 17. I separated from my AH 6 months ago due to his drinking. They were not fully aware of the extent of his alcoholism. It was a shock to them and very hard. I told them the truth in the most straightforward way I could, being age appropriate of course. Kids tend to fill in what they don't know with ideas that are often much worse than the truth.

What has seemed to help them most is sharing with them the 3 Cs --- they didn't cause it, they can't control it, and they can't cure it. Many times in this last 6 months as we've discussed their dad's alcoholism, they repeat the 3c's back to me. It has really seemed to help them.