mellowchic

ok, so last week I found this site (the beginning of my healing process I do believe).

I am new to alchol abuse, I have been introduced to it by my BF of 3 years. Short of going through all the signs that I saw (and ignored, or helped hide, or simply denied), we had a meltdown 3 weeks ago in which I asked him to leave. It was the first time I ever insisted he leave, and he proceeded to physically abuse me for almost 2 hours. I was mad, but within a week had forgiven him and felt sorry for him (he has no one, and nothing); I felt I was responsible for helping him. I came on here and basically asked if I was delusional in thinking things would change or if I should stay and help him out.

Everyone's answer here was "run"; which is what my gut was telling me too. However, I have since gone to 2 Alanon meetings to try and deal with the trauma I went through. Of course no direct advice was given to me, but someone did point out that my personality is such that I attract men like him, and that I would probably just trade one problem for another, OMG.

I'm so confused!!! I have never been hit by a man (I am 46); I was pushed, slapped and punched once in the face. My judgement was poor, I obviously missed every que there was.........how frikkin scary.

Be honest, if you could have ran away from your Alchoholic, with no strings (kids, finances, etc) would you have? or if you could have, do you wish you did? Or did you stay, and find that even the downs were worth the many up days that you had??

He has been sober 10 days; he is looking great but he has a long way to go.

BobbyJ

From what I read: Someone in your Alanon class told you that you would trade one problem for another.

My thoughts are: They were trying to tell you, that if YOU ""did not"" work on YOU. Yes, more than likely you will find someone else, just like him. We're all creatures of bad habits.

A. Take the time for you to work the steps of Alanon.
Then later down the road, you will be able to see Red Flags in the beginning of a bad relationship.
And then you shouldnt miss those red flags anymore.

2 Hours or 2 minutes of beatings?.....
I would of had his ass arrested with no tears, no second chances and no regrets....
OMG....I dont even beat my dogs!!!!!!!
That makes me pissed, sick and disgusted...I hope you RUN & STAY AWAY!


I really hope that you continue to go to Alanon class, but I would really
suggest that you also find a Domestic Violence class....
That kind of stuff will make you mentally tired and wore out, I understand!!!
They can help you, lift that fog...PLEASE DO IT FOR YOU!!!


10 Days Sober? Big Freaking Deal....He drank & beat you...
I wouldnt give a F if he was sober for 10 years...He beat you! NO EXCEPTIONS!

YOUR WORTH MORE THAN THAT!!......Learn to love YOU!!

KEEP GOING TO ALANON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

catlovermi

Two questions:

"Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking. Reality is not very confusing at all"
- LaTee Da (one of our esteemed recovering members here)

m1k3

Mellow, Alanon like here has lots of people with different views on things, that is way take what you want and leave the rest is an important saying.

I don't have any experience on physical abuse but I would like to think that I would leave that relationship immediately.

I am going to recommend going to several different meetings and trying them. Each meeting has it's own flavor and it took me going to 5 or 6 meetings before I settled to the 2 that I now attend.

Alanon for me is a safe place and a refuge where I go to get the strength and support I need to keep myself focused on my recovery.

Your friend,

dollydo

Physical abuse is a deal breaker, there is no way that I would stay with a physical abuser. His azz would be in jail.

It happened once, it will happen again. You have taught him how to treat you. Next time he may kill you.

As for Alanon, they seem to have identified that you need to do so real work on yourself, or, you will repeat your behavior and continue to make bad choices in your life.

Google physical abuse, google emotional IQ, it might be of benefit to you. Read all the
stickies at the top of this forum and F&F of substance abusers....and, keep going to meeting.

It wouldn't make any differewnce to me whether I had strings attached or not, there is no way that I would spend one more minute with that guy, he is a loser and dangerous to boot.

Work on you.

wellnowwhat

You did not cause this, you cannot cure this and you cannot control it.

His drinking is his to own. His lack of friends is his. His lack of possessions is his. His beating you is his. THIS is the part of the serenity prayer that you cannot change.

What you can change is you.

Alanon and this Site can help you.

Since you asked: I am still with my closet drinking active AH of 30 years. He has never raised a hand to me (rarely has even raised his voice), but that for me would be a deal breaker. I would leave immediately. However, if I had known at the beginning what I was in for in terms of the alcoholism, I would have left too. I still might.

As for the next man you attracting will be the same? The person who gave you this advice doesn't know you, just like we here don't know you. You've gone 46 years and this hasn't happened to you in the past. Before you accept that as gospel, and it might be true, maybe sit down and look at your past relationships in the cold, hard sunlight and see if there is a pattern from past relationships and this relationship, even though the others didn't have physical abuse.

Sending kind thoughts your way.

least

There is NEVER any excuse to abuse anyone - never! I'd be out of there, or get him out of there, as fast as possible and never look back.

mellowchic

Its a new day! I feel better, this is the best site I have ever been on. Thanks all for helping me, I know that physical abuse is wrong and that there is NEVER a good excuse for it. I think I carry a lot of guilt, its just my nature (if something goes wrong, I probably did it!).

He makes me feel like I am exaggerating that night because he doesnt remember it. Which makes it hard for him to understand why I am so traumatized. I seriously question my whole adult life.

I think I will continue to read the stickys; and look for a domestic violence group at the same time. I do agree the person in Alanon was merely pointing out a common thread for many of usin the group (we generally follow a pattern), and was not giving me direct advice; its just that it HIT HOME!

So with that, this may end up being a positive point in my life; or at least thats the way I am going to look at it. Thanks everyone!!!!!

dbh

I'm so sorry that you went through this MellowChic. It sounds awful! Have you seen a doctor to look at your injuries?

I too think that the people at Al-Anon were trying to point out that unless "we" get help and work on ourselves we tend to repeat the past in other relationships.

I grew up in an alcoholic home and prior to therapy and recovery I had a tenancy to go from one bad relationship to the next. I think I sort of felt more comfortable with the chaos and drama. I wanted to fix so many of my boyfriends and thought that I was only person in the world who could help them. I thought that I was doing something to make them treat me this way. Very similar to how I felt about my alcoholic father.

This is not your fault and it is not your job to help/fix your abusive alcoholic boyfriend!

Please keep yourself and your children safe.

Hugs,

db

kiki5711

physical or emotional abuse never stops. It may subside for a time but eventually it will roar it ugly head again and again. That I'm sure of.
After years of going through this you will have "an abused wife/girlfriend syndrome which is denial, which could last years, then anger, then finally you'll get disgusted with it or hurt really bad and then try to leave which may end up in stalking you and keeping you in fear.

mellowchic

yes, I definately feel like I can "save" the world with my good intentions. It has allowed me to be taken advantage of time and time again. I dont fight about it, I simply move onto the next person that needs my help. This happens with BF's, family members, and friends so I know that is me. Somewhere in my marriage I lost who "I" was, and it is sooooo hard to go back and find where I got lost.

The injuries were minor, most of the hits were open handed and the bruises from all the pushing down are fading; the one hit in the face I think fractured a small bone in the upper jaw (around my nose), which just has to heal on its own. It was not a constant beating, in between he tore things off the wall and wrecked my house. I did call the sherriff after he hit me in the face, but he was no dummy, he ran and came back twice after that.

It is hard not to listen to his words of love, blaming everything on the alcohol. He swears without the "drink" we can be the perfect match we always thought we were. My heart wants to believe that so badly; but the reasonable side of me says its just a matter of time before history repeats itself, so leave now no matter how painful.

I will be visiting this post for a long long time; reaching out and being with others though tragic, is comforting. It sucks to feel so alone. I have good days and bad, I try to look on the positive side..........while going through this every closet, drawer, nook and cranny have been cleaned; it is comforting for me to stay busy both physically and mentally. I know that is denial, but coming here gives me brief moments of reality. I used to hide all my problems and just wish I had know years ago that there were so many people out there that cared.

Chino

His alcohol abuse has exposed his reptilian brain. It's something we all have and you might want to google it. His innate response is fight when threatened and you're not listening to your innate response to flee. It's a perfect match made in hell.

He can possibly learn to calm his inner beast, but it will take 1-2 years of sobriety and recovery work for his brain to possibly heal first, followed by intensive therapy to possibly change his learned reactions to his brains innate response.

None of his possibilities will involve you in any way, and will take years of 100% dedication on his part to figure out if him evolving from Neanderthal is more than a possibility.

How much time do you have and are you willing to die while he figures it out?

SoaringSpirits

Welcome to life with an alcoholic. It's all smoke and mirrors and it will make you feel like you are the crazy one.

Best of luck in sorting it all out. My advice: run fast, and do not look back. Work on yourself in Al Anon and keep learning! There is a fine, rich life for those of us who survive all this and go on to live and learn.

skippernlilg

Good for you in getting yourself here, to Al-anon, and away from the abuse. In the light of day, without his crazy talk, you'll be free to think your own thoughts and trust yourself even more.

A suggestion that has worked well for many people here is to consider going No Contact. The A's words have a tendency to suck us into un-reality or Crazytown, and we are unable to grasp the beauty of the real world.

DMC

Yes. Yes, I would. Especially if I had known how financially devastating this disease can be. I was lucky, and I got out. The downs became constant and eventually, there were very few ups. I wasted 10 years of my life.

Also, physical abuse? Run like the wind and don't look back.
Being lonely will pass. Being trapped *especially with someone who may assault you* is a whole other hell. That would destroy any semblance of trust. Emotional abuse is sneaky and tricky. Being punched or slapped, though, crosses every boundary I have.

Good luck,
D

akrasia

I'm so sorry you went through that.

I can share a couple of things:

My AH was drunkedy-drunk-drunk around me many times and never once hit me. Alcohol doesn't make people hit.

I've worked with DV cases for a long time and there's no correlation between alcohol abuse and DV--i.e., a guy who hits women is a guy who hits women, drunk or sober.

You don't have to answer this, but when I read what you report I'm not seeing why he's not in jail. He beat you repeatedly? The sherrif was called? Surely the sheffif sent an officer round to take a report? A DV specialist?

It usually takes several tries to leave a physically abusive partner for good. Mostly because the violence escalates when the abused person tries to leave (see above). So I hope you do get through to a good DV group in your town.

Hugs.

kiki5711

Well, one day it will be (he only broke one of my ribs, not all of them).

Do you see how much sense that makes?

Like everyone says, he's an abuser. The alcohol just gives him more of an excuse to do it even more and harder.

Miela

If this happened to your mother/sister/daughter/best friend, what would you suggest they do? Stay or leave?

I am in the process of trying to leave my abusive A after 11 years of abuse that just got worse and worse and worse. The more it happens, the more you get used to it. I have had various broken bones, knives to my throat, threatened with a gun, more black eyes than hot dinners... etc., etc. It always ended with him being "so sorry" and promises that it would never, ever happen again...... but it always did.

Run away. You deserve better than this and the next time you may not be so lucky. I have a package labelled 'In The Event That I'm Murdered' containing evidence, names and numbers of people and professionals that could potentially give evidence, instructions on the care of my son etc. 'just in case'. This has become my 'reality' over the last decade. Hopefully, soon, I will be able to get rid of it and never have to be afraid again.

Please reach out for help to whatever resources are available to you (e.g. domestic violence agencies).

searchbug

just a quick observation...you say you carry a lot of guilt...
You DO KNOW that this one line, is the most classic red flag for domestic abuse? Abusers IMPOSE THAT thinking on their partner. Even without the alcohol.
It can be really hard to sift through the different issues that are coped with. Some here have spouses vs boyfriends. Obviously, we with the boyfriends and no kids, have the easiest way out.
SOME alcoholics stop, and their person is totally different. Some stop, and it is glaring that they are an ass, even when not drinking.
Most here also advised me to run, from my situation. I have not yet done so..and it may be simply my own stupidity. Have not yet sorted ALL of it in my head.
Physical abuse to me is also the deal breaker. In any way, shape or form.

mellowchic

so my day started off great, and by this evening I am lonely and missing him terrible. Thank goodness I came to this web site, and all of you posted to me. It kept me from contacting him (we have had no contact for 32 hours). I just wanted to hear his voice, and talk to the one person that knows me better than anyone; but I knew that would re-open the door to his plea's.

I want to be strong, for all you that havent been able to do it yet, and for all of you who believe I deserve better when you dont even know me. My heart aches, but it would be much worse doing this alone.

I have not been able to find local DV meetings on the web, are they not posted? I guess because of the abusers?