1undone

I am not a happy girl right now. I let triggers get the best of me and drank yet again! I watch all the people around me in AA get their coins and act like life is perfect and they are all so stary eyed. Bla! I'm so frustrated, I don't even want the crap but I go and buy it? WTF???

This is the absolute weirdest disease ever! I mean seriously, why would I poison myself? It's not even fun anymore - hasn't been for about a year now. So again, why? I have so many questions about addiction but then I know a good amount about it. I guess what I'm really asking is why me? Why not me?

I don't want to live this way. I don't want to lie or sneek around. I wish all the alcohol in the world would go up in flames. It's everywhere. I can't even go to Wallgreens anymore without seeing it. TV, Billboard ads, papers, online on FB on the right side. I'm constantly bombarded with images of this crap and I'm just so frustrated.

I guess I needed to vent. I need to be honest somewhere. I know if I tell my sponsor she will "dump me." She's probably not a good fit anyway because she so unfocused. This is making me so depressed.

InParticular

Don't feel bad, just get back on the horse! Believe me, you are SO not alone in how you feel. Just hang in there, don't drink today, and forgive yourself.
:ghug3

least

Maybe that's what they're doing: acting.

Please don't compare your insides to others' outsides. They may seem to be so happy but you never know what's going on in the lives of other people. They may not be the 'starry-eyed, happy-go-lucky' people they seem to be. I too used to be jealous and resentful that others were so happy when I was so unhappy. Now I base my happiness on myself, not my perception of others, and am more satisfied that way. I'm not always happy but I am usually content.

Don't give up on yourself! Keep trying till you get it right. It took me a long time to 'get it' but I finally did, and so can you.:ghug3



And as far as ads for alcohol - I'm just glad when I see one that I"m no longer addicted to it.

ddrayer

I'm with you. I DO NOT WANT TO DRINK. I hate the way I feel I hate how I behave, I hate how unproductive I am, I hate what its doing to my body...but just like you I struggle. Went to the store to buy chips on Saturday ended up with a case of beer and can't remember the night. Same **** different day. Stay strong, keep going to meetings. I have faith there is hope for us. Someone in my meeting last night got their 10 year...thats motivation and provides hope to me that I am not at the end of the road. Stay strong and I will definitely keep you in my prayers.

keithj

I remember feeling the exact same way at one time. Those people, they seemed so bubbly and happy, and the were soooo grateful, and it seemed sooo easy for them to stop drinking and just be happy. I wanted to puke and I hated them. They'd pick up their coins every month and talk about how great life was and how things kept getting better for them. Things weren't getting any better for me. I felt like a loser amongst all those shiny, happy people.

I guy in my home group threw out a phrase that I really like. 'Stick with the losers.' It's an interesting play on that 'stick with the winners', and it makes an important point. For me, a chronic alcoholic, I couldn't just hang out in the social club of AA and stop drinking and be happy. Nope. I'm one of those real deal folks, and I couldn't seem to feel any better (or stop drinking), just by trying to be happy or hanging around the happy people.

Instead, I had to do what those other losers, the other chronic alkies, had to do to recover. When I started sticking with those guys, and taking the Steps like they directed (out of the BB), my life was transformed. Today I'm pretty shiny and happy, but I couldn't get there without going through the process. I really need this thing (spiritual awakening), and no substitute will suffice.

If I recall, 1undone, you were struggling with some Step 2 issues. Where you at with all that? Because if I could have got better with more time hanging around, that's what I would have done. I had to lay aside my prejudice and my notions of higher power and really do the deal. That's what the losers before me had to do.

soberred

You and I ran neck and neck from the beginning undone. I slipped then you slipped. I came back then you came back. I made it this time so far. You can too. Don't give up trying. Look at all of your resources.

AB1111

All I can tell you is you aren't alone. I am going through the same exact feelings right now. Angry because drinking doesn't work any more, pissed off at the ads on t.v. I can't even enjoy watching football right now! Bored out of mind! I get it. It sucks!

1undone

Sitting outside waiting to work up the courage to go to my AA meeting. Still can't believe this is what I have to do now so that I don't die or kill someone.

AB1111

If me and another couple million people can do it so can you. Go for it!

Dee74

I think it's important now to think of what else you can add to whatever you've been doing 1Undone.

I'm glad you're going to your meeting - I hope you'll speak with your sponsor too
Welcome back

D

CaiHong

1undone,

It is great that you are not giving up but something is not working for you. I have no idea what it is, do you? AA is working for me but I know I need to do more, everyday I think about having a drink. I want that desire removed permanently and AA promises that if I work the program. So far the promises have been kept. I need to get more honest with myself and humble myself to this program.

I liked what Keith wrote about the steps, perhaps you really need to embrace the program more.
Talking about advertising alcohol. Driving past a billboard advertising a strong spirit,the translation to English,"commemorating 150 years of muddled-headedness". lol

Hope you got something out of the meeting last night.
All the very best
CaiHong

1undone

Hey all, last nights meeting was good, I am glad I went. I feel though that people see me as put together on the outside but on the inside I'm feeling insane. I need to talk about that.

eJoshua

In all honesty, you probably think the same about a lot of other people that feel insane on the inside -- so you are not alone.

I think learning to open up is very difficult, especially considering how vulnerable we are when we are fighting this, and how many times most of us have been hurt in the past. I know it's still hard for me to open up to people, I have to actually make a conscious effort. It's not at all about "letting my guard down", it's all about forcing myself to be open with others.

Best wishes to you, I'm glad you made it there last night.