quitforme79

So I haven't led on to my whole story about what really got me to this point of starting/stopping drinking. The irony of my situation is that my recovered (now ex bf) slipped into relapse and I told him that if he didn't stop, I would leave. He said he wouldn't (he did realize how f'd up that was) and so I moved out. A couple weeks after that, I hit the bottle hard. Isn't that disgusting? Hypocritical? I went on my one month binge (drinking at least a bottle of wine most days) and of course cried everyday going thru the grief process but I realize now that the drinking was preventing me from REALLY DEALING WITH THE LOSS. Like I said in an earlier post, I have been known to abuse alcohol in the past but had a pretty good "sober" life for awhile and didn't want to go down this road (do any of us). I know I have the potential and I couldn't control myself after the break up. When someone chooses the bottle of you, it is never wise to choose the bottle as well. I guess I felt like I didn't care anymore and one night I was so out of it, I took 6 benzos and hoped I would never wake up. That was 3 weeks ago. I would NEVER even consider something like that had I been in the right state of mind. I don't want to die, I don't want to give up. After that night, I didn't drink for a couple days but then the lonely weekend came and I figured I could handle it. We all know how that goes. Anyway, I am doing this for me because I see that I need to be able to take care of myself whether or not other things in my life fall apart. Breaking up, moving and losing the man I thought I was going to marry were definitely big life stressors. BUT, I need to learn to cope in healthy ways because problems in life will always arise. In my heart, I truly hope that him and I will both get out sh#! together and come back stronger than before. I also know that I need to move on in case that doesn't happen. And step 1 of that process is getting myself physically and emotionally happy. I want to be part of the cure, not part of the disease as the cold play song goes. Tonight, I am dryly dealing with the loss of him and crying with all my body and soul and actually "feeling" it for the first time. It's awful and I'm devastated but I think it means I'm on the road to real recovery. Thanks for listening, I don't know what I'd do without this forum right now. ((hugs))

mammabear81

I hope you feel better soon. You are on the right path to taking care of yourself.

least

I agree that it's a good idea to get yourself healthy and happy before getting (back) into a relationship. Be good to yourself. Eat good, rest, exercise - and hoping that will help you to 'heal'.

I also am grateful for this forum being here. Anytime I need support or advice or just friendship, there's always someone 'at home'.

Dee74

I'm really sorry you've been through all that quitforme - but I'm glad you're here with us - you're among friends here

D

Anna

I'm sorry you're going through this. Breakups are so painful.

It sounds like you know you need to and want to stop drinking. And, your plan to work on your own health and well-being is great. Good for you!

soberred

I admire your strength.

artsoul

That was a very inspirational post, quitforme.... You've decided to take charge of your future health/happiness and get sober, AND you're allowing yourself to grieve over this relationship. That's a pretty big deal!

Remember to take it one day at a time. I'm glad you put the alcohol aside.....

quitforme79

Thank you all for the wonderful replies I believe that life keeps handing us the same lesson over and over again until we learn. I know that I can turn this negative experience around and make great life changes if I just stay committed and focused. Haven't been sleeping well but I'm armed with good movies and a new book...eventually this too shall pass. I can't thank you enough for all of your support. Hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing and sober evening :ghug3

sissy07

You sound like you have a really good head on your shoulders. I wish the best to you, and welcome to SR!

Itchy

I used to be an instructor for many years and had my own department. We used to sit around and try to come up with short easy to remember definitions we could teach that would be memory aids for our students and fellow instructors.

You said that life hands us lessons over and over until we learn. We refined the definition of learning to " Learning is a change in behavior." Many people think that going to school or acquiring a lot of data is learning, or regurgitating back something by rote.

If one cannot swim there is an observable behavior when they are thrown in the water. Drowndering and floundering. When they learn to swim there is an observable change in behavior.

Don't know how to ski, one set of behaviors. Learn to ski a whole different set of behaviors.

Then we would always get the skeptics who would say that the same does not apply to conceptual learning like psychology etc. Don't know the subject and when trying to discuss it there is a whole slew of observable behaviors relating to pretending to know it or admitting you don't. Learn it and there is an observable change in behavior as it can now be discussed with one who knows the subject successfully.

You are right in that learning is not being able to describe it, it is changing as a result of what has been learned.

That itself is a hard lesson for many to learn. And why we see so many people doing the same things they always did, the same way they always did them, and expecting different results.

You are so right about learning finally after repeated opportunities we blow sometimes. I think you are learning too.

quitforme79

Itchy I think you may be one of the smartest people I know, no joke. Basically, I have been thru many "bad" situations (ones i've gotten myself into) and said I've learned but never actually changed my behavior. You have no idea how much your post has helped me tonight and forever; because as we know, lessons to be learned not only have to do with drinking :ghug3

Itchy

Aww shucks I ain't smart. I am however experienced, which means I can recognize a mistake when I make it again. Seems to me you are getting that perspective on all that has happened. My hat is off to you because the worst heartbreak is when we break our own. Be gentle with yourself my friend, here is a hug to start you off again.
:ghug3

Remember that we are not alcoholics because we can't live up to the expectations of others, it is simply because we are afraid we can't live up to our own.

whenartdeparts

hm, your story sounds somehow familiar.
in a way, my ex boyfriend also chose alcohol over me. he still doesn't realise he has a big problem with drinking though...which one day will make life unbearable for him, but it was his choice and he shall be the one responsible for the consequences.
after I broke up with him, I relapsed for approximately 7 months, with little breaks of sanity and abstinence.
After I quit drinking, I suddenly started feeling overwhelmed by thoughts about my ex and what could have been. I was bewildered! Why on Earth was I focusing on this 7 months after the break up?
Well, the answer is simple - during my relapse, I did not allow myself to truly experience the loss. It never went away, it was just waiting for me to sober up in order to settle in.
C'est la vie.