How do I do it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 2
How do I do it?
I've been in denial for too long, I think. Coming to this site and reading some of these threads has been a real slap around the face, and I fear my GF has a genuine problem.
Her drinking is daily, whiskey, wine, vodka ... there always seems to be something on the go. I have found bottles hidden around the house, and can smell it on her when I get home. She tries to hide it and that is the most hurtful thing.
This has been an ongoing issue for us, for about 18 months now, and I have tried to talk about it previously. Usually it ends up in an argument, and she takes it as being an accusation. Only once have we managed to have a reasonable conversation about it, where she promised to do better and so on. It lasted about a week. I keep thinking "Oh, it'll get better when this or that stress is over ..." but it doesn't.
I need to do something. But I don't know what. We live together with her two children, and I can't leave without fearing for her reaction and what affect that will have on them. And, dammit, I love her when she's straight, I don't want to leave her.
How do I deal with this? How do I have the conversation without it turning into a flaming row, with the inevitable drinking that would accompany that? I know that by being passive, and kidding myself that it'll all be okay, I am in some way responsible for what is going on. And I can't do that any more, can't do it to her, or myself.
I just want my baby back ...
Her drinking is daily, whiskey, wine, vodka ... there always seems to be something on the go. I have found bottles hidden around the house, and can smell it on her when I get home. She tries to hide it and that is the most hurtful thing.
This has been an ongoing issue for us, for about 18 months now, and I have tried to talk about it previously. Usually it ends up in an argument, and she takes it as being an accusation. Only once have we managed to have a reasonable conversation about it, where she promised to do better and so on. It lasted about a week. I keep thinking "Oh, it'll get better when this or that stress is over ..." but it doesn't.
I need to do something. But I don't know what. We live together with her two children, and I can't leave without fearing for her reaction and what affect that will have on them. And, dammit, I love her when she's straight, I don't want to leave her.
How do I deal with this? How do I have the conversation without it turning into a flaming row, with the inevitable drinking that would accompany that? I know that by being passive, and kidding myself that it'll all be okay, I am in some way responsible for what is going on. And I can't do that any more, can't do it to her, or myself.
I just want my baby back ...
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Welcome Whit.
I am glad you are here, but truly sorry for the circumstance that brings you here.
Keep reading all the stickies at the top of the forum. The wealth of information and support here are a real eye opener.
This is her disease, and her problem. There is nothing you can do or say to make her quit drinking.
Until she decides to seek help for herself this is how life is going to be.
I understand that this is a painful time for you. But you are an adult and you have the right to choose to stay, or leave.
My heart just aches for the kids, as they do not have a choice or a voice in this situation.
Keep posting and reading you are not alone.............
I am glad you are here, but truly sorry for the circumstance that brings you here.
Keep reading all the stickies at the top of the forum. The wealth of information and support here are a real eye opener.
This is her disease, and her problem. There is nothing you can do or say to make her quit drinking.
Until she decides to seek help for herself this is how life is going to be.
I understand that this is a painful time for you. But you are an adult and you have the right to choose to stay, or leave.
My heart just aches for the kids, as they do not have a choice or a voice in this situation.
Keep posting and reading you are not alone.............
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Whit, welcome. I'm sorry you have to be here but you have found the right place to get support, to vent and to be among people who understand what you are going through.
One big thing around here is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Another big thing around here is Al-anon. I know they saved my life. Al-anon will not help get your GF sober, it will not give you a magic to make her better. What it will do is give you the tools and support YOU need to get healthy again. Living with an alcoholic has a huge impact on your emotions, self esteem and health. Al-anon will provided me the tools I need to regain my sanity and to even get happy again. Please consider attending some meetings. I would recommend trying several different meetings. They all have their own flavor and it took me 4 or 5 different meetings to find my home group.
You have landed in the right place for your issues.
Your friend,
One big thing around here is the 3 c's. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
Another big thing around here is Al-anon. I know they saved my life. Al-anon will not help get your GF sober, it will not give you a magic to make her better. What it will do is give you the tools and support YOU need to get healthy again. Living with an alcoholic has a huge impact on your emotions, self esteem and health. Al-anon will provided me the tools I need to regain my sanity and to even get happy again. Please consider attending some meetings. I would recommend trying several different meetings. They all have their own flavor and it took me 4 or 5 different meetings to find my home group.
You have landed in the right place for your issues.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Vancouver, WA
Posts: 22
Hey Whit,
Welcome to the forums!
I have to agree with the post submitted by marie1960. There is almost nothing you can do to change her behavior. I am in a similar situation right now. I decided to quit but my wife did not. She doesn't hide it but all of the things that bother you also bother me. When I quit, she said she would quit if I wanted her to... I didn't express an opinion, I left it up to her. Because I know for a fact I wouldn't have quit for her, I had to quit for me.
I don't like the fact that I live with a daily drinker, but it isn't enough of a hardship to throw everything away. Not to say it will never be enough to leave.
For now I hope that someday she will take a good long look at herself and join me in sobriety. Until then, I will focus on the good things and not expect her to change for me.
Best of luck!
Welcome to the forums!
I have to agree with the post submitted by marie1960. There is almost nothing you can do to change her behavior. I am in a similar situation right now. I decided to quit but my wife did not. She doesn't hide it but all of the things that bother you also bother me. When I quit, she said she would quit if I wanted her to... I didn't express an opinion, I left it up to her. Because I know for a fact I wouldn't have quit for her, I had to quit for me.
I don't like the fact that I live with a daily drinker, but it isn't enough of a hardship to throw everything away. Not to say it will never be enough to leave.
For now I hope that someday she will take a good long look at herself and join me in sobriety. Until then, I will focus on the good things and not expect her to change for me.
Best of luck!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Hi Whit. Welcome. Stop fearing she has a problem. The time for that is over. SHE DOES HAVE A PROBLEM.
That said, so do you. If you really want to learn how to improve your life, keep coming here but also try some Alanon meetings. Try six of them before deciding if it is for you.
Or, keep doing what you've been doing and see if anything changes for you.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
That said, so do you. If you really want to learn how to improve your life, keep coming here but also try some Alanon meetings. Try six of them before deciding if it is for you.
Or, keep doing what you've been doing and see if anything changes for you.
Good luck,
Cyranoak
Guest
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 386
Welcome. My situation with my ABF is very similar (although we don't live together and no kids are involved), and I understand your pain. I'm only now grasping I can't "fix" this, and it's so hard feeling helpless. I've started going to Al-Anon meetings, and it is helping me -- at least to feel like I'm not alone.
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