NotSoSmart

I didn't expect perfection, but my RA got out of rehab last week and I'm back to feeling sullen today. We've seen each other here and there but with my work schedule and her curfew at the sober house, most of the interaction has been over the phone. Saturday was the first day we got to spend any appreciable time together and I'm not sure it went well. It wasn't terrible but we spent nearly the whole time grousing about my mother (who is a pain in the rear but really hadn't DONE anything yesterday except be there, which agitated my partner). There is always a sense of tension in the house with those 2 b/c of the past and my mother is if not drinking, a dry drunk with depression (and a personality disorder to round out the picture). I don't get along much with her either, but she is moving soon and I've learned just to attempt patience and remind myself she'll be out soon.

Yesterday I broke from cardinal Al Anon logic by having an expectation of how things would go. I found myself for the first time in a long time really looking forward to the weekend, and i was in a GREAT mood on Sat. Eventually though, I found that mood eroding bc of all the negativity. I had a hectic week and really wanted to see if we could just chill at the house, watch movies or something. There was concern that my mother would start something and we'd have to leave but we decided to give it a shot. We're going to a festival today and I wanted one day at home to rest. It became apparent that my partner was not going to be able to relax at all... she wanted to play wii, then no, she didn't, then let's get a redbox movie, then she couldn't settle down to watch it. Then well before her curfew, she decided she wanted to leave. I understand why; she said she was craving a drink, triggered massively by the tension and it felt too much like "old times" when she'd drink/drug to cope with it.

I don't have an issue with her leaving. What bothers me is that my life has essentially been on pause waiting for my mother to move out so that I can work from home, slow down in life and now my partner says she can't be at my house anymore while my mother lives there b/c its too much for her. So this is yet another thing I put on the shelf b/c I really won't get to see her during the week and unless i'm willing to go run around or spend money every weekend, we can't see each other.

I realized this morning that while she's been in rehab I just put a bookmark in things, expecting that once she was out we'd resume as usual, except she'd be sober. She's made a lot of changes and I haven't changed much (well, al anon). I realized I'm feeling resentful that she can walk away from a situation I can't. But I feel like maybe I'm thinking we're more than we are when essentially we're back to dating. I feel like everyone else in my life holds the power and makes decisions that I have to deal with and i'm not sure how to get some of my power back. I need to find other things to do so I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket with my partner. I need to work on myself but its really hard when you dont have a reliable babysitter.

Anyway, sorry to vent this... my sponsor has been unavailable all week b/c of a death in her family, so im feeling like I should talk to someone and get it off my chest.

Kindeyes

Ok. You've figured this part out. Now get creative.....start in little ways.....how do you envision this? Let go of the obstacles for just a minute. And list out what this might look like to you.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the obstacles that I can't see the alternatives.

I spent a lot of years saying "if only this would happen" or "if only this person would change" then everything would be better. It took me a whole lot of time spent in waiting for those things to happen before I realized that I was waiting for other people, places or things to change......all of which I have no control of. Once I figured out that it was my attitude towards those people, places and things that needed to change, life simply got better and more manageable. I had the ruby slippers the whole time.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

There are many things you can do out of the house, that cost nothing. Walk in the park, find an interest group and join, watch the newspaper for free concerts or art shows or community festivals.

It takes time to adjust to each other when one changes and the other doesn't. It may take some effort to find a way to connect on common ground.

I hope it works out for you.

Hugs

NotSoSmart

I talked to my sponsor about it and her feedback was that I am spending a lot of time looking at her rather than at me. We discussed that it is a lot easier to work one's program when the other person is out of the picture. I am a LOT more triggered this week into doing old behaviors and need to be even more diligent about my program.

I was so wrapped up in the drama of my partner being triggered that I forgot to take my own inventory. I was being triggered all over the place. I was worried about her craving a drink when I relapsed about 40x to my codependency since she's been out.

We will have to work around the issue... we both have resentments that even on passes when she was in rehab, it wasn't therapeutic to bring her home b/c of my mom. So I'd have to find other places to go, spend money out when I own the house. We both have to let go of that and to make the best of our current situation.

As far as my finding my own things to do.. i know what it is I want to do. I have to work around the obstacles, which is hard for me to see the answer right now.