bookish89

Hello. My ex-boyfriend has been going to NA meetings, and has been clean, for 7 months now. He broke up with me two months ago (month #5) because he wanted to focus on recovery. Also, he didn't feel "worthy" enough, and thought I deserved better.

Since then, we've had little to no communication. I used to try to contact him to let him know that I still love him, but he has completely cut off our communication. He ignores my texts, calls, and e-mails. The last time I've heard from him, he said that he still cares for me; he loves me, but isn't able to be "in love" at this point.

Any words of wisdom for this situation? I know I'm supposed to respect this process and let him go, but it is just so hard on me. I truly love him, and I can't even contact him. I'm willing to wait and see where our relationship goes (if it goes anywhere, that is). But in the meantime, I'm hurting more than ever.

I want to be there for him, to support him, but he doesn't want me there.

dollydo

You cannot change a thing, he is done with the relationship. I would suggest that you start moving on with your life and stop obsessing about him. I know it is not easy, but it can be done. Right now there is no future with him. If he wants to contact you he will, chasing him
is not going to accomplish anything except make you feel worse about yourself.

If you not have read Codependent No More, I would suggest that you do.

I am sorry, but, there is nothing to do.

Kindeyes

There's a saying out there that I love that helps me realize when I am concentrating on yesterday or tomorrow and forgetting to enjoy today.

When we stand with one foot in yesterday and the other foot in tomorrow, we're pi$$ing on today.

Enjoy today......open your heart and mind to what is happening today.....and if something is suppose to happen with him on some future tomorrow, it will. But in the meantime you'll be present in new experiences and new people.

How you deal with today is within your control.....he is not.

gentle hugs
ke

bookish89

I appreciate the response, but I don't consider myself "codependent" on him. I don't "obsess" over him; I simply stated my feelings on the situation.

I would like to hear from someone who has been in my shoes, because it's easier said than done.

Further, I wouldn't be too quick to judge this relationship as "completely over," as anything is possible.

TMZ

What he has done is so much important to this recovery. Really anything you do or even contact you try hurts his recovery 10 times more than you think. If you do love him let him go, give him the time he needs to work on just him. As a general rule a year of clean before any relationship is recommended. I know it is selfish but the disease is not an easy one to deal with.

For you this is going to be hard. but have you ever hear the line; if you love something or someone let them go, if they come back to you it was meant to be. This will be a true test of that kind of love. Mean while you need to learn about addiction and the affects of and from it. The best way would be to attend some nar-anon meetings. it is for family and friends of people in NA. We have been affected by the A so much it affects us as you now know, Nar-anon is support for you as NA is support for him. Maybe in time when he is more in recovery he will contact you, and you will need some tools to help you with his recovery. Seek out a Nar-anon meeting and try it out. They have helped me.

outtolunch

Believe him.
He's not stringing you along. He's just not into you or a relationship.

Perhaps some grief counseling could help you, right now. Break ups are always harder on the one who loved more.

outtolunch

May I also add that just because he's not into you or a relationship does not mean there is anything wrong with you.

Chino

He broke up with you two months ago and went no contact, but:

That ^ is the epitome of obsession/codependency/addiction and demonstrates an inability to accept life as it is. Please consider working your own recovery program and/or seeing a therapist. If not addressed, it's a behavior that will repeat itself elsewhere in life.

hopeful0323

You sound just like me about 6 months back. Try reading the stickies on codependency, you might find that your reading things that you thought were your own "personality traits". All in all they are really codependent traits. And I know now that if I don't work my own recovery that the chances of me ever having a "normal" relationship again are pretty much slim to none.

sTiLlhErE1986

Ohhh bookish, I can emphasize with you completely and I am so sorry you are feeling the way you are right now. Any breakup is tough but it makes it 100x worse when you don't totally understand the reasons. My ex is also a recovering addict, and like you he is my ex on HIS terms and because of his decision. Like you I am/was so upset when this originally happened that I could not stop myself from calling and texting even though it never got me anywhere, he never replied and I started to realize that it was just making me more and more upset.

I do not know the history of your relationship but I can tell that you truly do love him since you chose to stick by him through his addiction and part of his recovery. My ex told me almost exactly the same thing about his need to end the relationship "loved me, but needed to focus on himself and his recovery at this time, and that he could not focus his energy on our relationship."

That to me made no sense at all, I never have been a addict and had stuck by his side through all of his struggles, so why the heck did he want to push me out of his life now, I was only going to be there to love, support, and help him?!? But what I have realized now is all that "help" is the last thing he needs right now and he does not need to focus on anything right now besides himself and his recovery.

This was the hardest thing that i ever had to realize, that for now my ex is better off without me. It is a constant struggle for me each day, as I'm sure you understand, because the person who you are in love with doesn't want to be with you right now, and it isn't because they don't love you, it is because he needs to love himself more.

I felt a little bit cheated that I got to be with my ex while he was in a active addiction and now that he is working on getting better and seems more "normal" I can't be with him, I mean how unfair is that?? But I find comfort in knowing that eventually if we are meant to be that this time apart will pay off, if he doesn't take this time then there will be no possibility for a future.

So my advice to you is to read and learn as much as you can about addiction and recovery, read the posts here, and continue to post as well. I was completely convinced that I was not dependent on my ex, but I learned from reading that I was completely "addicted" to him, he was my drug just like heroin was his. Your ex knows how much you care about and love him, try and give him the space he needs to help himself.

You are in my thoughts and keep us updated on how you are doing.

itsanewday2011

I can relate. I dated an alcoholic in college who broke up with me. I was so IN LOVE I was devastated when we broke up. I don't think I ever recovered from that nor have I fully trusted since. (about 7 years later I ran into him and he apologized for all of the sadness he caused me back then).

Fast forward a few years-Met my now ex husband, and was with him despite drug use and addiction on/off in our marriage. Had I dealt with my grief of having alcoholic boyfriend in college, would I not have married my now ex addict husband? Who knows? But, patterns do tend to repeat themselves. So, as hard and as painful as it is, I would encourage you to seek counseling to work through the pain you are experiencing so history doesn't repeat itself.

Hugs to you. I've been there.

Windblown

It hurts when someone we love just doesn't want to be around anymore. I get so used to having that person in my life that the change feels unbearable at times. It's great that you shared about it here. Keep talking about it. Are you in counselling or Naranon? The meetings have helped me alot. I have a new friend that I met there. I am learning how to have a friend. I am cleaning my house a lot. I am taking up photography and getting out of town on the weekends. I am trying to be open minded. Tonight I made myself a salad with healthy vegetables in it...I even made homemade Ranch dressing.

Every day is a day for more healing. Each day may or may not be better than the last...but over a period of time, I see myself getting better.

For me, I had to acknowledge that things with my AS would never be the same again. Doesn't mean better or worse...but never the same. I have to let my son go. Maybe he found some other place that he likes better...I don't know. Some people in early recovery get into relationships with other recovering addicts...even though it is suggested that an addict waits a year before they do this. Maybe he realized that your relationship was not healthy and is trying to focus on his recovery. It was suggested to me...to focus on MY own recovery.

Anyway Codie's are awesome...I'm one but at least I know it and can work on it....then all my relationships will improve!