nandm

About 6 months ago a man moved into our area from another state and started attending my home group meetings. At first I thought he might be an asset to the meetings as he claims to have 22 years sobriety and seems to have a solid knowledge of the Big Book. My home group has three meetings a week. I only attend two of them the Big Book Study and the Candlelight meeting. When he started he was attending all three.

Within a month or so word got back to me that he was talking about our Big Book study in a negative way at other meetings. Since I had not heard him say these things personally I did not feel I should address it with him. We had a group conscious meeting last month and some changes were presented for discussion and a vote at a later date for our Big Book study. This man wanted many changes to be made, in fact, he basically wanted to change the whole format. This meeting is the longest running Big Book study in our city and has been in place for over 20 years. The format has been changed and refined over the years when needed. Of course like anything else it could use some tweaking but not necessarily the major revamp he is demanding. So to get to the point. A vote was scheduled for a week ago last Monday. Unfortunately, 5 of our home group members were not able to be there that day. The Big Book study is a small meeting of less than 10 people on average and 8 of those are home group members. So needless to say it was pointless to hold a vote with only two members there to vote so the vote was delayed.

When my partner and I arrived at the meeting on Monday, this man was obviously in a state of agitation and anger. He started ranting about how wrong it was that the vote was not held because we were not there. A new person came in and he continued his rant and started in on how horrible the meeting was. That the format was all wrong. That we did nothing to help the newcomer, etc... I attempted to say something and he yelled at me. Rather than make a scene or speak in anger I walked away. My partner was in a state of shock at the way he was ranting and did not know what to do so she walked out until the meeting was to start. There was only one other home group member there and she was outside already and is very young in sobriety. I know walking away was not necessarily the right thing to do but I also know that I can have a temper and did not want to go into a rant myself and make personal comments about him.

So my thought is that this needs to be addressed. He needs to be called on his bull. The fact that he makes a group his home group then runs it down everywhere and every chance he gets is wrong. He has been rude to newcomers and returning members. He tried to 13 step two of our people and quit going to the Candlelight meeting when the secretary there turned him down on his 13 stepping. He has made rude comments about a fairly new members weight to his face. He has questioned whether a person was qualified to chair. He has interrupted someone who was sharing. He has in general been rude, insensitive, disruptful, and a detriment to our meeting. He has run three people off from the meeting that I know of already and I have had to convince others not to leave.

My plan is to ask to speak to him prior to the meeting on Monday night. Ask him if we can speak privately. If he will not speak privately then still speak to him as I feel this needs to be addressed. I plan to keep it on a non personal level and just address the fact that although he is welcome in our meeting but if the meeting is not meeting his needs then maybe he should start his own or find one that will meet his needs. That his behavior is detrimental to our meeting and driving people away which in no way is helpful to a newcomer.

Does anyone have any advice, experience, or thoughts to share on this as this is an uncharted territory for me and I don't want to make the problem worse or make a mistake here.

I do have to say though he is once again living proof that I will take quality over quantity of sobriety any day.

Sorry for being long winded

PaperDolls

I don't have much advice nan ... I do know there's a guy at my home group that he could hang out with. They'd be two peas in a pod.

One thing I will say is that everyone is entitled their opinion, i.e. offering suggestions to change the BB meeting, be it lots of changes or not. What I find not acceptable, and it happens at my home group sometimes, is for people to act like children when the vote doesn't go their way. Don't get me wrong, I've been there/done that .... but I have to say, I haven't been there since I got sober. Generally I've seen it from members who are becoming bleeding deacons rather than elder statesmen. It makes me want to tear my hair out! I guess I expect more from those with long term sobriety.

Oh, there go my expectations again!

Also, my sponsor would tell me to pray about it. You'll find the answer.

sugarbear1

Don't speak with him alone. Maybe home group members discuss with him at a coffee shop-neutral territory. His behavior doesn't seem sober, but neither does the behavior of others vacating that meeting. Ever take a Group Inventory?

Music

nandm, I suggest you ask for a home group member meeting(business meeting)and bring up the subject of the format for an up or down vote on whether or not to change the format. If he's there, the group can, as one, let him know he's welcome as long as he isn't disruptive but that he isn't comfortable with the format, to start his own meeting or find another meeting to go to.

laurie6781

I am definite with Music on this one. He again 'beat me to it' rofl.

Do not confront this person alone. Call for a business meeting after the meeting and invite ALL attendees.

J M H O

We have had, over the years, some like this person come and go from other areas of the country, so I do understand you frustration. I too go for 'quality' and not necessarily quantity.

Love and hugs,

Tommyh

I`m with Laurie and Music
do not try it alone,bring the group in,that way,he can see it is the group rather than just you,one person

Justfor1

I would suggest grabbing 2 big males of the group and have a friendly chat with the man. Sadly, he most likely is 20some years sober & is use to be being a big shot at his previous meetings. He seems to have a big ego & is bringing down others around him.

nandm

Thank you so much for all your wonderful responses. I do appreciate all of them.

Things worked out well. Another home group member called him aside after tonight's meeting and talked to him. Hopefully he will realize that we do care about the meeting and if he does not feel it is the correct meeting for him he is welcome to find another one that might be a better fit but in the meantime we will not watch someone try to destroy our meeting. Hopefully, his 13th stepping, rudeness to our newer people, and talking badly about the meeting in other meetings will slow down or stop altogether.

We also took a vote and the format is going to stay the same as it has been working well since the last revision a couple years ago. I am sure we will revisit it again at some point in the future as well we should but it is nice to know that I am not alone in feeling the meeting is working as it is.

Thanks again everyone.

SteppingItUp

As I tend to be doing a lot these days, I've been writing and not posting...

Anyway, although the format of the meeting may have already been addressed, I'll share some of the principle thoughts that came to my mind from the start...

My job is to live by spiritual principles, no matter what.

While I may attend a meeting longer than anyone else, it's not more my meeting than it is anyone else's.

My experience with gossip is that it causes harm to me, if I partake in it, and potential harm to anyone else involved.

Am I continuing to watch, so that I'm sure I'm not trying to manage?

Am I trusting in a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience?

If I am resentful, have I taken inventory?

Have I considered including this in my morning meditations?

Have I continued to turn to God with this, asking him what to do?

NYCDoglvr

I think this calls for a group conscience. He's disrupting the meeting, after all. Ask for a vote to expel him if he's out of line.