It's not mean or selfish, people need to understand this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 24
It's not mean or selfish, people need to understand this.
I have had this run through my mind many of times, more then I can probably imagine.
I have been told I am heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and do not have the best interests of my children for them not having their father in our lives. "Everyone deserves their father".
I have been told that abandoning him when he needs me as support the most is the cruelest thing that I could do and that I could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time.
I have been told he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless I am perfect I am judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life I must stay they told me.
BUT
I habe been lied to, stolen from, manipulated, strangled, threatened, humiliated, ashamed... Left countless times with nothing, evicted, controlled by fear, actions and the fist. Spit on, cheated on, used as an excuse for money, credit shot to hell and anything valuable price wise lost in pawn shops and drug dealers. Driving on the freeway twice had my keys pulled from the vehicle with the kids in it because he was mad, causing the car to cease up with oncomming traffic. Physicaly, emotionaly and verbaly abused to where I didn't even recognize myself.
Who really is the selfish one?
When I use to read (before engaging in this site) about others straight up cutting through the BS about addiction and what addicts or alcoholics do, I would think how aweful...People have feelings and they need support. You're making them sound like monsters. Everyone makes mistakes.
Why is it that we can be so over forgiving to be treated SO horribly, to where we may fear our own lives, or our children's lives? It's not writing a person off, it's protecting the valuable life that you were given NOT to be taken in one form or another by someone else. I don't care what anyone says. Whether an addict or alcoholic is active or not, the choice to stop or start is always there.
The longer I worked on myself being with him, the more steps back he took and pretended he was recovering, as if it was not a big deal, he's not like "that guy" at least. How many times did I have to hear "Let the past be the past" when it was still happening in the present to actualy get it? Too many.
I admire those hear who lend a helping hand who cut through the mud and tell it like it is. When the possibility hit that maybe me trying only what I thought I knew to help, that love will cure it, the help became more aware to me to be a crutch for him to never have to stop the maddness. I suffered so much more and have such a long way to recovering from my emotional bruising.
He always said he'd never leave me behind and holds it against me that I did that to him by leaving for good. Not surprised that he doesn't aknowledge that he left me far far before I had to find the courage to physicaly go.
If you can relate to anything I wrote, I am truely sorry and wish it upon no one. But we are hear for eachother and you are not alone, ever.
K
I have been told I am heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and do not have the best interests of my children for them not having their father in our lives. "Everyone deserves their father".
I have been told that abandoning him when he needs me as support the most is the cruelest thing that I could do and that I could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time.
I have been told he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless I am perfect I am judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life I must stay they told me.
BUT
I habe been lied to, stolen from, manipulated, strangled, threatened, humiliated, ashamed... Left countless times with nothing, evicted, controlled by fear, actions and the fist. Spit on, cheated on, used as an excuse for money, credit shot to hell and anything valuable price wise lost in pawn shops and drug dealers. Driving on the freeway twice had my keys pulled from the vehicle with the kids in it because he was mad, causing the car to cease up with oncomming traffic. Physicaly, emotionaly and verbaly abused to where I didn't even recognize myself.
Who really is the selfish one?
When I use to read (before engaging in this site) about others straight up cutting through the BS about addiction and what addicts or alcoholics do, I would think how aweful...People have feelings and they need support. You're making them sound like monsters. Everyone makes mistakes.
Why is it that we can be so over forgiving to be treated SO horribly, to where we may fear our own lives, or our children's lives? It's not writing a person off, it's protecting the valuable life that you were given NOT to be taken in one form or another by someone else. I don't care what anyone says. Whether an addict or alcoholic is active or not, the choice to stop or start is always there.
The longer I worked on myself being with him, the more steps back he took and pretended he was recovering, as if it was not a big deal, he's not like "that guy" at least. How many times did I have to hear "Let the past be the past" when it was still happening in the present to actualy get it? Too many.
I admire those hear who lend a helping hand who cut through the mud and tell it like it is. When the possibility hit that maybe me trying only what I thought I knew to help, that love will cure it, the help became more aware to me to be a crutch for him to never have to stop the maddness. I suffered so much more and have such a long way to recovering from my emotional bruising.
He always said he'd never leave me behind and holds it against me that I did that to him by leaving for good. Not surprised that he doesn't aknowledge that he left me far far before I had to find the courage to physicaly go.
If you can relate to anything I wrote, I am truely sorry and wish it upon no one. But we are hear for eachother and you are not alone, ever.
K
Present
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: "Happy Rock" (Gladstone) Oregon
Posts: 1,252
The people who've told you,
"...(it's) heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and (you) do not have the best interests of (your) children for them not having their father in (your) lives...Everyone deserves their father...abandoning him when he needs (you) as support the most is the cruelest thing that (you) could do and (you) could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time...he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless (you are) perfect (you are) judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life (you) must stay..."
have either never been to Nar-Anon or went and didn't get anything out of it.
Your actions, your presence, YOU...did not Cause his addiction. You cannot Control his addiction. You cannot Cure his addiction.
When people have said those things, I hear them saying, on the inner planes, "Please help me by staying with him because I don't know how to handle him and I want you right there handling him so I don't have to." My HP is the one who told me this during a meditation.
When someone continues their addiction, it sure does seem selfish. When you see the addiction as disease, you see that this selfishness is a symptom. The cause of the selfishness that puts a substance before loved ones is addiction.
Paraphrasing something I heard - On the airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, and then put the masks on your children. If you stop breathing, what happens to them?
I am glad we have each other, and are not alone, too.
"...(it's) heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and (you) do not have the best interests of (your) children for them not having their father in (your) lives...Everyone deserves their father...abandoning him when he needs (you) as support the most is the cruelest thing that (you) could do and (you) could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time...he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless (you are) perfect (you are) judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life (you) must stay..."
have either never been to Nar-Anon or went and didn't get anything out of it.
Your actions, your presence, YOU...did not Cause his addiction. You cannot Control his addiction. You cannot Cure his addiction.
When people have said those things, I hear them saying, on the inner planes, "Please help me by staying with him because I don't know how to handle him and I want you right there handling him so I don't have to." My HP is the one who told me this during a meditation.
When someone continues their addiction, it sure does seem selfish. When you see the addiction as disease, you see that this selfishness is a symptom. The cause of the selfishness that puts a substance before loved ones is addiction.
Paraphrasing something I heard - On the airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on first, and then put the masks on your children. If you stop breathing, what happens to them?
I am glad we have each other, and are not alone, too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: norwich, uk
Posts: 80
In my humble opinion, those who offer that kind of 'advice' have no idea about such things as alcoholism and abuse.
They have never been the subject of vile words or snipie comments, never watched their children cower in fear of what COULD happen.
They are on the outside looking in and only ever see mr/mrs nice person, because that is what they are supposed to see.
I was married to someone who had mental health problems, but he acted like an alcoholic, in fact, once we divorced, he descended into alcohol.
Family members suggested I give him a second chance, I was even accused of being childish because I chose to self harm (pulling my hair out) rather than touch him.
The only person who knows the truth is them that is stuck in the middle of the madness, only they can make the choices that are necessary.
It hurts when someone from the outside questions your judgement, but ultimately you know that you've made the right choice because sanity has returned and bollox to those whose opinion is based on being on the outside.
They have never been the subject of vile words or snipie comments, never watched their children cower in fear of what COULD happen.
They are on the outside looking in and only ever see mr/mrs nice person, because that is what they are supposed to see.
I was married to someone who had mental health problems, but he acted like an alcoholic, in fact, once we divorced, he descended into alcohol.
Family members suggested I give him a second chance, I was even accused of being childish because I chose to self harm (pulling my hair out) rather than touch him.
The only person who knows the truth is them that is stuck in the middle of the madness, only they can make the choices that are necessary.
It hurts when someone from the outside questions your judgement, but ultimately you know that you've made the right choice because sanity has returned and bollox to those whose opinion is based on being on the outside.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Am I guessing right that it may be "he" who is saying those nasty things? Addicts like to blame others because the alternative is to accept responsibility for themselves.
It doesn't matter what others say or think, you are an abused woman who found the courage to get out of a harmful relationship. That took real courage and I am very proud of you for finding the strength to get yourself and your children somewhere safe.
You may be starting over with nothing...but you are starting with "everything" when you have your courage and values and survival to see you through the days ahead.
One day soon it will be better, you have already taken the biggest step of all, walking away from abuse.
Hugs
It doesn't matter what others say or think, you are an abused woman who found the courage to get out of a harmful relationship. That took real courage and I am very proud of you for finding the strength to get yourself and your children somewhere safe.
You may be starting over with nothing...but you are starting with "everything" when you have your courage and values and survival to see you through the days ahead.
One day soon it will be better, you have already taken the biggest step of all, walking away from abuse.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 66
You know what throws me for a loop? YOU are not selfish, you are obviously in the right. My situation was opposite. I was the nice addict and everyone ran me over. Everyone was telling my family to withdraw support and be harder on me. That happened until last year.
When I finally let everyone have a piece of my mind and they gave me support, I finally had clear mental space to stop my addictions.
I think the moral of the story is that people just don't pay attention or listen anymore. People can be blind and shoot from the hip.
When I finally let everyone have a piece of my mind and they gave me support, I finally had clear mental space to stop my addictions.
I think the moral of the story is that people just don't pay attention or listen anymore. People can be blind and shoot from the hip.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
If they had walked in your shoes I wonder what they would have done and where they would be today, probably exactly in the same place you are, in recovery, regaining you, your life.
It is obvious these people have no clue.
You sound strong, keep moving forward, we are here for you.
It is obvious these people have no clue.
You sound strong, keep moving forward, we are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
What your husband blamed your way is Addict Speak. What other people have said is ignorance - ignorance of life, ignorance of the dignity of the human being (you and your children first and foremost) and ignorance of sacred Scripture.
Glad you are here. You're right - we are not alone here on this website. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to let him go to feel the consequences of his decisions all by himself.
Glad you are here. You're right - we are not alone here on this website. The most loving thing you can do for your husband is to let him go to feel the consequences of his decisions all by himself.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
they have not been subjected to this kind of "disease"....stay strong...
In Melody Beatties: the language of letting go
March 23:Flake from setting boundaries...this subject jumps out at me...i know now that when i was in my early twenties i was setting boundaries...and boy ole boy was i getting flack from the "family and friends" because i was changing and changing the 'denial' in our family.....now i see.....
In Melody Beatties: the language of letting go
March 23:Flake from setting boundaries...this subject jumps out at me...i know now that when i was in my early twenties i was setting boundaries...and boy ole boy was i getting flack from the "family and friends" because i was changing and changing the 'denial' in our family.....now i see.....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Ahhh yes, the know it all folks and the so called experts. I've run into them, too.
For me, it helped to remember that "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." (Thank you Dr. Suess).
You see, the people who have all the information, the people who have walked the path you are on, the people who have been through all that you have.....DO NOT EXIST. There is only one YOU. That terminal uniqueness is true.
However, there are people who share an eerily similar experience and had to find a way to cope, to escape, to recover and those are the people who I personally trusted in their insight.
I was cautious about discussing my situation with others outside of this forum until I felt comfortable they had an experience with addiction in their lives and could offer their ES&H. Once someone challenges the path I've walked or gave their two cents on what I should have done, I got the subject asap. Those are not the ones to provide constructive support.
I feel bad that you have heard all this negativity from others. It drains the energy and motivation right out of our recovery efforts for sure. Tough love and straight talk is good, what you've gotten is just bitter crap.
You don't need anyone's approval. He certainly didn't need it to do as he did.
You don't need anyone's negativity. You are not a bin for others to dump their bad feelings into.
You don't need to explain your recovery to anyone. If they don't "get it," they haven't been through a similar experience and wouldn't understand where your at enough to comment intelligently anyway.
Stay strong,
Alice
For me, it helped to remember that "those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." (Thank you Dr. Suess).
You see, the people who have all the information, the people who have walked the path you are on, the people who have been through all that you have.....DO NOT EXIST. There is only one YOU. That terminal uniqueness is true.
However, there are people who share an eerily similar experience and had to find a way to cope, to escape, to recover and those are the people who I personally trusted in their insight.
I was cautious about discussing my situation with others outside of this forum until I felt comfortable they had an experience with addiction in their lives and could offer their ES&H. Once someone challenges the path I've walked or gave their two cents on what I should have done, I got the subject asap. Those are not the ones to provide constructive support.
I feel bad that you have heard all this negativity from others. It drains the energy and motivation right out of our recovery efforts for sure. Tough love and straight talk is good, what you've gotten is just bitter crap.
You don't need anyone's approval. He certainly didn't need it to do as he did.
You don't need anyone's negativity. You are not a bin for others to dump their bad feelings into.
You don't need to explain your recovery to anyone. If they don't "get it," they haven't been through a similar experience and wouldn't understand where your at enough to comment intelligently anyway.
Stay strong,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Ann;3144137
Am I guessing right that it may be "he" who is saying those nasty things? Addicts like to blame others because the alternative is to accept responsibility for themselves. Hugs
If all it took was our unconditional love and support, none of us would be here. So many of us learned that we can continue to love and still get out of that front row center seat to it all.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
I have had this run through my mind many of times, more then I can probably imagine.
I have been told I am heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and do not have the best interests of my children for them not having their father in our lives. "Everyone deserves their father".
I have been told that abandoning him when he needs me as support the most is the cruelest thing that I could do and that I could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time.
I have been told he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless I am perfect I am judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life I must stay they told me.
Ironically, the ones saying this are also the ones that said "I wouldn't put up with that!" so indignantly in the past!! Sheesh.
I am a very polite person, but these people bring out the worst in me.
I have been told I am heartless, selfish, mean, cruel and do not have the best interests of my children for them not having their father in our lives. "Everyone deserves their father".
I have been told that abandoning him when he needs me as support the most is the cruelest thing that I could do and that I could have never really loved him at all to walk out of his life at the time.
I have been told he just needs unconditional love and forgiveness, that he is only human and unless I am perfect I am judging him harshly. For fear that he will end his life I must stay they told me.
Ironically, the ones saying this are also the ones that said "I wouldn't put up with that!" so indignantly in the past!! Sheesh.
I am a very polite person, but these people bring out the worst in me.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I believe that anyone that says that has not walked a mile in our shoes. Addiction changes everything.
The further that I get away from my ex husband the more that I realize how crazy it was that I was ever caught up in his dramas. I volunteered for that position out of my own ignorance/innocence/belief system. I have learned a whole lot about boundaries and know now that love cannot conquer all.
I care about people that are suffering with addiction but now understand that the only person that can help them is themselves. Anything that I do for them while they are in active addiction only destroys me.
The further that I get away from my ex husband the more that I realize how crazy it was that I was ever caught up in his dramas. I volunteered for that position out of my own ignorance/innocence/belief system. I have learned a whole lot about boundaries and know now that love cannot conquer all.
I care about people that are suffering with addiction but now understand that the only person that can help them is themselves. Anything that I do for them while they are in active addiction only destroys me.
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