harleygirl71

When I found this site and was typing my thread he asked me who I was writing a book too. I told him all about this site and how it is support for me and could be support for him too. He said he did not understand why I needed this site because he is going to be clean and how he feels normal since he has been with the methadone clinic. I told him that I am proud of him for taking that step but he knows how I feel about the clinic. I told him yesterday I found a Nar-anon meeting that I will be attending Friday and he said if you must then that is good. I have printed up the NA meeting schedule for him and gave it to him but he thinks he dont need it. He is suppose to start getting his take home doses this week but he may not since he missed one dose 2 weeks ago when we went to bike week. I told him I would go by myself but he wanted to go anyway, needless to say Saturday morning he had to ride back to NC and he done it by himself because I was not ending my vaca early because of his addiction. That was hard for me to do but I had to do it. We are suppose to head to Maryland next weekend to see our daughter and 7 mth old grandson but if he dont get take homes then I am going solo. Am I being selffish or mean? I feel like I need to support him but not let his addiction run my life. I just dont know what is the right thing to do.

Carly2332

You are NOT being selfish/mean. It seems you have already put up with alot in this situation. You've gotta know when to say when. Enough is enough. It doesn't mean that you don't love or care about him, but that you love and care about yourself, and that you've decided that you won't let this drag you down and disrupt your life, anymore than it already has. I hope the best for you and him, addiction isn't fun for anybody involved. I hope things change for the better :-)

dollydo

You are in need of support. Addiction is a very tricky disease, and, many times the codependent/enabler is as sick as the addict themselves.

Naranon meetings will benefit you, his recovery is up to him and yours is up to you.

Keep posting, keep reading others posts and the stickies at the top of this forum.

You are not being mean or selfish, He will be an addict all his life, there is no cure for this disease, and I believe without a strong recovery program such as NA, the chances of him
remaining clean for life are very slim.

Work on you, you don't have to justify a thing to him, this is your life, your well being.

Kindeyes

Good for you for finding support. That's wonderful. I have found that once I began really taking the time it takes to take care of myself and (with help from HP) address my own issues and character defects, I really don't have time to take care of or worry about what the addict in my life is doing.

I'm simply trying to work the program I wish he would work. I control that. I don't control him.

Keep coming (and going) back. It really does work if you work it.

gentle hugs
ke

Ann

It is always okay to take good care of ourselves. You sound like you are doing that just fine. Meetings have helped so many of us here, I know they helped me finally find my balance again and begin living my life in a healthy way.

Hope you'll stick around here too, SR has been a lifeline to many of us too.

Glad you joined us.

Hugs

useyourwords

I echo what has already been said-- you are not being selfish or mean! You are taking care of yourself. That is always a good thing. Good for you! I am new here too and know I need a lot of help getting my own recovery back on track, because as I have remembered recently more than ever, your loved one getting clean doesn't mean your own recovery stops! I am sure naranon will be a good support for you.

cc88

I dont know if this was mentioned or even needs to be said but I've refused to get in a car with my brother, using or not, because if he isn't clean, like for a substantial amount of time, going to meetings etc. etc., he drives in a horribly unsafe way.

The day my grandfather died, I left work early to be with my family. They sent him to pick me up. He hit a curb and blew the tire out. I didn't get to see my family and mourn with them for another few hours.

ALL THIS TO SAY, I sincerely hope you wont consider getting on the back of his motorcycle for a long time. I ride and I wont even go near my bike if I've had 1 beer with lunch cause I know how dangerous it is even with 110% of your brain on full power.

wellnowwhat

When I started going to Alanon my AH would make sad eyes and feel terribly sorry for himself. He also won't go to AA. He's strongly against it, calling it a cult etc.

It occurred to me that he thought I was going to the meetings and telling the group all about him and his behaviour.

So, I sat and told him how the meeting went (not specifics, just generalities), from the opening readings, and sharing about slogans, and the topics, and how we talked about ourselves, not our qualifiers. I explained to him how me expecting him to behave like a regular person, and to keep being disappointed with his alcoholic behaviour was making me sick and I wanted to learn to be healthy for him, for us, but most importantly for ME. He looked visibly relieved to find this out and I get a lot less of the "sad eyes" every time I leave for a meeting.

harleygirl71

Oh no worries CC88 on the bike thing because I never ride on the back of his, I have my own Harley. Thanks to all of you for being here. This is really helping me learn how to help myself cope with all of this. I do have one question? I am still trying to learn my way around this site and I am a little confused. Should I be posting on the threads or blogs? How about the chat rooms, can I visit any room or what. I just dont know how the rules work. I just now figured out how to get to the stickies everyone was talking about. Yeah I know I am a little slow at computer technology but I am a damn good nurse!LOL!!!

Windblown

I hated calling myself 'sick' too...but it is true. I learned it from my Mother, who I love dearly, btw. But there is another way...the care -giver, fixer, helper...whatever you want to call it...needs to balance out as much as the addict does. Where the addict is totally self-centered...the enabler has totally lost self and needs to focus on his/her own core. I guess both the addict and the enabler need to come to a middle point. If the addict isn't ready...doesn't mean I'm not. If I don't work on myself at this point in my life I start getting suicidal....and little by little I glimpse a tiny slice of beauty that life still holds for me. It is far away from the chaos...it is in the nodding of a willow branch, the chalk scrawled waning moon, the new neighbor about to have her first baby...when I become open to a new way of life...it opens and a path is laid. There is hope. There is a better way. It starts with saying NO, setting boundaries, getting support, calling people, opening to spirit in whatever way that is for us.

I'm not Bhuddhist but I do remember something the Bhuddha said...if you can learn from the mistakes of others and not have to go through that pain yourself...why not try to follow their way? For once I am looking around at all the happiest, calmest people around...especially at meetings...the ones with the LEAST amount of chaos from the addict in their lives ...talk Tough Love...or as someone put it on here...Responsible Love.