Struggling with no contact help please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Struggling with no contact help please
Hello all I posted 2 days ago and u were so helpful. I have had no contact since Friday and have had good days and bad. I started today with hope and happiness and for the last few hours I've been obsessed with thinking about how I got myself into this position. I really know that I need to stay away. I'm starting to get angry. I'm angry at him, myself, this awful disease. I'm even more mad that he has the addiction and I'm the one who's sitting at home sad. While I'm sure he's out with friends partying. Now all I can do is think about where he is and what he's doing. What's wrong with me? I realized today that he missed or ruined my last 3 bdays do to his drinking and last year he missed my daughters 1st dance and he is missing homecoming this weekend. So after I'm realizing all of this I should be able to be happy with the idea of never seeing him again. But I'm not after everything I miss him still. It's so crazy please help I've been doing so good at not calling and now I'm mad he's not calling me. I'm sick sick.sick I tell u. I want this to go away.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 30
I have found it helpful to focus on myself and my recovery since going NC with my AH. Yes, it has been hard. Possibly one of the most difficult decisions I have ever had to make. Whenever I find my thoughts straying to wondering what he's doing, how he's affected my life, wishing he would change, thinking about "if only" this or that, etc., I have come to realize this is only my codependency flaring it's ugly head and it's just another sign of how sick I am and how much work ON MYSELF I have yet to do.
I also remind myself of how nice it is to have peace and quiet, less general overall craziness in my life, and the sense of security I have in knowing what I am coming home to every night...a quiet house with no active alcoholic in it to cause the never-ending nightmare to continue.
If you haven't tried attending an Al-Anon meeting yet, you might find it helpful to do so. I have found it to be an invaluable source of comfort, acceptance and information on this journey I didn't choose to be on. And continue posting on SR...it has also helped tremendously!
Hope this helps,
-YB
I also remind myself of how nice it is to have peace and quiet, less general overall craziness in my life, and the sense of security I have in knowing what I am coming home to every night...a quiet house with no active alcoholic in it to cause the never-ending nightmare to continue.
If you haven't tried attending an Al-Anon meeting yet, you might find it helpful to do so. I have found it to be an invaluable source of comfort, acceptance and information on this journey I didn't choose to be on. And continue posting on SR...it has also helped tremendously!
Hope this helps,
-YB
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=Juliagoolia;3141915]I'm realizing all of this I should be able to be happy with the idea of never seeing him again. But I'm not after everything I miss him still.QUOTE]
When my children and I moved out of my BF's because of an incident that happened due to my BF's behavior while drinking, we had no contact for the first few days and very limited phone contact for the first couple weeks after that. I can remember feeling so so sad it felt almost unbearable. One would think that if you are forced to remove yourself and your children from that person because of their drinking, it would be over, no looking back, plain and simple.
But it's not so plain or so simple is it? Even though I felt my BF was wrong and I was angry with him on one hand, I still missed him because there is no "Off" button when you love someone.
Give yourself some time to get your emotions under control. When I have made decisions (like calling when I swore I wouldn't) when my emotions are high, it usually doesn't turn out like I wanted. Almost without except, when I wait until I'm more clear-headed, I make better decisions.
When my children and I moved out of my BF's because of an incident that happened due to my BF's behavior while drinking, we had no contact for the first few days and very limited phone contact for the first couple weeks after that. I can remember feeling so so sad it felt almost unbearable. One would think that if you are forced to remove yourself and your children from that person because of their drinking, it would be over, no looking back, plain and simple.
But it's not so plain or so simple is it? Even though I felt my BF was wrong and I was angry with him on one hand, I still missed him because there is no "Off" button when you love someone.
Give yourself some time to get your emotions under control. When I have made decisions (like calling when I swore I wouldn't) when my emotions are high, it usually doesn't turn out like I wanted. Almost without except, when I wait until I'm more clear-headed, I make better decisions.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 73
Oh I can so relate to this, I'm sure all of us can.. It is hard just to turn off your feelings like a light switch, and right now I still love him, But the pain and the sadness and anger has got so much easier, with each passing day...
I have found when I start feeling this way, I do something that makes me happy or I write down all the negative things he has done to me and I think back to how tormented I was and then my whole Way of Thinking Changes...
I know it's such a struggle for you right now and I so feel your pain.. But I promise you that it will get easier and better the longer you stay away from him and have no contact. It's the only way your mind can truly heal from all of the chaos...
I'm mad too, I loved this man with everything in me, But Now I Have to Love Him From A Distance.. I have Decided To Leave Him In God's Hands.. Trust Me You can bet if you contact him again, you will only bring yourself more misery and pain.. Take it from someone who knows.. Sending You Huge Huge Cyber Hugs and Please Keep Posting.
I have found when I start feeling this way, I do something that makes me happy or I write down all the negative things he has done to me and I think back to how tormented I was and then my whole Way of Thinking Changes...
I know it's such a struggle for you right now and I so feel your pain.. But I promise you that it will get easier and better the longer you stay away from him and have no contact. It's the only way your mind can truly heal from all of the chaos...
I'm mad too, I loved this man with everything in me, But Now I Have to Love Him From A Distance.. I have Decided To Leave Him In God's Hands.. Trust Me You can bet if you contact him again, you will only bring yourself more misery and pain.. Take it from someone who knows.. Sending You Huge Huge Cyber Hugs and Please Keep Posting.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Thank-you for your words. This is such an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I'm detoxing. This is so tragic to see how many people are affected by this. My heart breaks for all of us. It's so confusing. You are right love is what is clouding my mind. Love is not enough. I guess I just want to feel normal the whole relationship caused me to question myself I have thought so many times If I did this or said that and so on. I was in denial I know time will heal these wounds. I am mostly afraid that I will never love someone again since for me although unhealthy this is my first time allowing myself to love whole heartedly. Is that normal.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
Julia, it will help to know that you are not alone! I think we have all had these same feelings to some degree, so hard to detach from something so familiar and which, even if it has been wrong, has still given you a sense of security. It might feel like you will never love someone again today, but you don't know how you will feel tommorow, or the next day-I can understand your anxiety-I get it from time to time, but it usually passes and my thinking becomes clearer. Keep talking!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I understand how hard it is to go NC (no contact) with a person you have shared your life with. I was with my AH 14 years. He was my best friend. I shared everything about me and my day with him. Who was I going to talk to?
These are a few things that helped me when I went NC with my AH.
First, I kept a piece of paper in my wallet that said:
Loving __________ comes with:
financial disasters
poor health
mental stress
anger
lies
manipulation
(etc.)
Everytime I felt weak and wanted to pick up the phone and share something with him, or the desire to pick up the phone and scream at him "How could you?" I would look at the list and remember I was asking for something the alcoholic could not give me.
Second, I have a friend that works as a social worker with women. I shared with her my frustration of not hearing from AH. I had been hearing from friends that they had seen him out at night. I was upset that I was home grieving and he was out partying. My friend reminded me that I did not know if he was out partying - did not know that he was enjoying himself = did not know how he was feeling. I was supposing and awfulizing.
She suggested the following: Imagine the worse case scenario as to why I was not hearing from AH. (this was crazy to me, but worked) We imagined that he had been in a horrific accident and was in a coma in the hospital. He was without identification and therefore no one was able to contact me and let me know where he was and how he was doing. By imagining the worst, and accepting that his circumstances were beyond my control; I was able to focus on me.
Me. What was I feeling? Like a hole was cut through my insides. I was grieving. I was cycling through all the stages, and sometimes all in the same day!
If you have a copy of "Codependent No More", there is an excellent chapter on grieving in the book. It really helped me.
(((Hugs)))
These are a few things that helped me when I went NC with my AH.
First, I kept a piece of paper in my wallet that said:
Loving __________ comes with:
financial disasters
poor health
mental stress
anger
lies
manipulation
(etc.)
Everytime I felt weak and wanted to pick up the phone and share something with him, or the desire to pick up the phone and scream at him "How could you?" I would look at the list and remember I was asking for something the alcoholic could not give me.
Second, I have a friend that works as a social worker with women. I shared with her my frustration of not hearing from AH. I had been hearing from friends that they had seen him out at night. I was upset that I was home grieving and he was out partying. My friend reminded me that I did not know if he was out partying - did not know that he was enjoying himself = did not know how he was feeling. I was supposing and awfulizing.
She suggested the following: Imagine the worse case scenario as to why I was not hearing from AH. (this was crazy to me, but worked) We imagined that he had been in a horrific accident and was in a coma in the hospital. He was without identification and therefore no one was able to contact me and let me know where he was and how he was doing. By imagining the worst, and accepting that his circumstances were beyond my control; I was able to focus on me.
Me. What was I feeling? Like a hole was cut through my insides. I was grieving. I was cycling through all the stages, and sometimes all in the same day!
If you have a copy of "Codependent No More", there is an excellent chapter on grieving in the book. It really helped me.
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 110
No one can define your situation for you.. we are not there, although the settings may seem the same. Don't beat yourself up for being NORMAL.
No contact is probably the best or only solution for the majority of alcoholic relationships. I have a huge problem with unresolved issues, and no closure if something has never been faced or dealt with. And..I DO know that it isn't always an option.
I have not chosen to go no contact with my xabf. And yes, there is an emotional price to pay on that. According to him, he HAS cut way way way back on the drinking, and admits that it is a major problem for him. So..at least for a bit, there is SOME ability to actually talk rationally about some incidents, and how the drinking blew them up in our face.
Will he continue to cut back? I can't say, and of course, I am very skeptical.
For myself.. some days, I am able to focus elsewhere. And some days, the anger and frustration builds in me, so bad that I just want to scream.
If ANY closure is possible, then I need that for myself.
No contact is probably the best or only solution for the majority of alcoholic relationships. I have a huge problem with unresolved issues, and no closure if something has never been faced or dealt with. And..I DO know that it isn't always an option.
I have not chosen to go no contact with my xabf. And yes, there is an emotional price to pay on that. According to him, he HAS cut way way way back on the drinking, and admits that it is a major problem for him. So..at least for a bit, there is SOME ability to actually talk rationally about some incidents, and how the drinking blew them up in our face.
Will he continue to cut back? I can't say, and of course, I am very skeptical.
For myself.. some days, I am able to focus elsewhere. And some days, the anger and frustration builds in me, so bad that I just want to scream.
If ANY closure is possible, then I need that for myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
So sorry that you are hurting. I've been there also. I had an (ex) AH who would just disappear. I would think that when he sobered up the next day, that he would realize that I wasn't trying to hurt him, and that his words and actions were unacceptable. The next day I would carry my phone around with me waiting for the apology (expectations). Then I would get confused, trying to rethink the whole incident, trying to find out what I did wrong. I couldn't figure it out.
Wanted to call him, and tell him that I was hurting and why, told him many times that he did not have to agree with my feelings, just to listen to me to try to understand why I might feel hurt about something. Did this many times, most times he would not even answer the phone, or if he did he hung up on me, and I just wanted the fight to end.
Finally realized that the reason that I wanted the contact was for "validation". I wasn't going to get that. For him to validate my feelings meant that he needed to change. I couldn't make him change.
I also found out that when he "disappeared" he was at bars, I know this because this was when I would get the drunken phone calls, where he was telling me that it was my fault that he left, and that he had to either sleep in his cubicle at work under his desk, or sleep in his car.
Was he happy? No, he was miserable with or without me, because he was the only one present at both times. I was only present when he was with me.
I also feel that I can never love again, when I look at that, I think I probably could love again, but I would have a very hard time trusting someone else again. That's an issue that I am working on now.
I still love my ex, or at least the person that I fell in love with ----- I just don't trust him.
When I do miss him, and I still do, even to this day (I left him 12/2008) all I have to do is think about reading my journals, or listening to my recordings. I haven't had to do this for a few months now.
Be good to yourself now, and take care of "you". Many cyber hugs to you. This is a difficult journey.
Wanted to call him, and tell him that I was hurting and why, told him many times that he did not have to agree with my feelings, just to listen to me to try to understand why I might feel hurt about something. Did this many times, most times he would not even answer the phone, or if he did he hung up on me, and I just wanted the fight to end.
Finally realized that the reason that I wanted the contact was for "validation". I wasn't going to get that. For him to validate my feelings meant that he needed to change. I couldn't make him change.
I also found out that when he "disappeared" he was at bars, I know this because this was when I would get the drunken phone calls, where he was telling me that it was my fault that he left, and that he had to either sleep in his cubicle at work under his desk, or sleep in his car.
Was he happy? No, he was miserable with or without me, because he was the only one present at both times. I was only present when he was with me.
I also feel that I can never love again, when I look at that, I think I probably could love again, but I would have a very hard time trusting someone else again. That's an issue that I am working on now.
I still love my ex, or at least the person that I fell in love with ----- I just don't trust him.
When I do miss him, and I still do, even to this day (I left him 12/2008) all I have to do is think about reading my journals, or listening to my recordings. I haven't had to do this for a few months now.
Be good to yourself now, and take care of "you". Many cyber hugs to you. This is a difficult journey.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
HUGS! It gets so much better . Every time I broke no contact I felt worse! it is not worth it. And he can keep on missing real life. You are blessed to be there for your daughter and will have many more birthdays to celebrate any way you wish! well, my birthdays sucked after no contact for other reasons but next year I might go surfing YAY!! 3 years later I don't give a damn about the guy, gladly he no longer affects my life or the way I live it.. still have some nightmares but that's it.. I AM SO GRATEFUL to have decided to stay away even if many months I felt like a zombie.
It gets much better and you will stop obsessing one day ... its true.. its detox ...
Also The grief club by Melody Beatty had the compassionate words I needed at the time... it may help you... you can do this... its VERY hard I know. But your sanity is at stake here and its worth all the mourning process.
Something that has helped me is to go "anger is going through me at this moment" not "I am angry". So I stop identifying with the strong feeling and know it will pass and my soul is beyond any emotion(s) I may feel. This is the Buddhist "being the observer" technique
It gets much better and you will stop obsessing one day ... its true.. its detox ...
Also The grief club by Melody Beatty had the compassionate words I needed at the time... it may help you... you can do this... its VERY hard I know. But your sanity is at stake here and its worth all the mourning process.
Something that has helped me is to go "anger is going through me at this moment" not "I am angry". So I stop identifying with the strong feeling and know it will pass and my soul is beyond any emotion(s) I may feel. This is the Buddhist "being the observer" technique
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
You are all my Angels
I wish I could gather you all up and keep you here at home with me. Okay that sounded so crazy. But I sincerely appreciate all your words. I cannot put into words how grateful I am. I am trying my best to not take a victim role and have an active role in my moving forward. I pray for strength and guidance in all our journeys and can only hope that one day I will look back and say Thank you God for getting me out of something so toxic. I have hope and I have faith and while I may at times fall off the tracks I know I will "WE" will get through this. SO thankyou thankyou for talking to a complete stranger and making it ok to get through another day. Day5 and I feel good. Well at this moment.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
You are doing so much better than how I was doing... you'll get through this, I did so believe me you will, too 
I was a MESS!!!!!! but if you survived Day #1 it gets easier... the first few days were the worst, then as days passed ... I started getting more clarity, started to laugh, started to remember who I am and what I like, as if my soul was coming back to my body...
Your worth does not depend on anyone else, on a call or a visit or whatever; if the man reaches out to you I hope you remember us and decide where you want to be in the future.. in a place of calm or sanity or back to the twisted hell of addiction & endless suffering.. its all in your hands... I went back again and again and 3 years later? the guy keeps drinking as if it was his last day on Earth and denies any issue.
I guess I was lucky my own XABF never contacted me and got someone else almost right away. I suffered a great deal, then I realized I was free
I was a MESS!!!!!! but if you survived Day #1 it gets easier... the first few days were the worst, then as days passed ... I started getting more clarity, started to laugh, started to remember who I am and what I like, as if my soul was coming back to my body...Your worth does not depend on anyone else, on a call or a visit or whatever; if the man reaches out to you I hope you remember us and decide where you want to be in the future.. in a place of calm or sanity or back to the twisted hell of addiction & endless suffering.. its all in your hands... I went back again and again and 3 years later? the guy keeps drinking as if it was his last day on Earth and denies any issue.
I guess I was lucky my own XABF never contacted me and got someone else almost right away. I suffered a great deal, then I realized I was free
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by Juliagoolia 
I wish I could gather you all up and keep you here at home with me. Okay that sounded so crazy. But I sincerely appreciate all your words. I cannot put into words how grateful I am. I am trying my best to not take a victim role and have an active role in my moving forward. I pray for strength and guidance in all our journeys and can only hope that one day I will look back and say Thank you God for getting me out of something so toxic. I have hope and I have faith and while I may at times fall off the tracks I know I will "WE" will get through this. SO thankyou thankyou for talking to a complete stranger and making it ok to get through another day. Day5 and I feel good. Well at this moment.
but once I realized I tend to take it its easier for me to take corrective action ... if we are self aware we are already in the winner's side IMHO...You are not a complete stranger, you are part of the SR family and I feel deep empathy and compassion for you and for everyone here because I know ALL of us have gone through sad ordeals and much suffering not many others can understand in real life
we deserve, the very best.. Thank you for the good vibes. Yes WE CAN~!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 14
Today let me tell you did not start out so blissfull I awoke from a horrible dream about him and I woke up in tears so dissapointed that this keeps happening.
I know that my xabf is hanging out with another woman. Its sad I think I am almost more sad for her although I know he is using her and she is a big partier like him. Misery loves company I tell you. What is so crazy to me is that all these A's push away the people who love them most and almost worship people who couldn't really care less about them. It's ironic how all of a sudden these people come out of the woodwork. My Xabf is constantly drinking day after day with a friend of ours who is literally as we speak dying from liver failure. It is so odd. Makes no sense. I have had a lot of time to think about why I feel like I need or want him and it is 100% fear. I am fearful of being alone I am fearful of failure since I had a horrible marriage that failed. I afraid that I didn't or haven't done enough and so on. But honestly I have lowered my standards so much that I have convinced myself I cannot do any better. It is crazy I myself have brainwashed myself. I do miss his hugs or holding is hand. I miss lying in bed all morning and laughing but for every one of those "good" moments there were so many really really bad ones. I have also noticed that whenever he has dissapeared for a week or two my anxiety attacks are less and less. I was more stressed out when he was around because I was always waiting for him to retract back. Clarity I so love it now the goal is to take the Clarity and morph my heart to logic. Thank you takingcharge999 I do miss my soul and I feel it slowly coming back.
I know that my xabf is hanging out with another woman. Its sad I think I am almost more sad for her although I know he is using her and she is a big partier like him. Misery loves company I tell you. What is so crazy to me is that all these A's push away the people who love them most and almost worship people who couldn't really care less about them. It's ironic how all of a sudden these people come out of the woodwork. My Xabf is constantly drinking day after day with a friend of ours who is literally as we speak dying from liver failure. It is so odd. Makes no sense. I have had a lot of time to think about why I feel like I need or want him and it is 100% fear. I am fearful of being alone I am fearful of failure since I had a horrible marriage that failed. I afraid that I didn't or haven't done enough and so on. But honestly I have lowered my standards so much that I have convinced myself I cannot do any better. It is crazy I myself have brainwashed myself. I do miss his hugs or holding is hand. I miss lying in bed all morning and laughing but for every one of those "good" moments there were so many really really bad ones. I have also noticed that whenever he has dissapeared for a week or two my anxiety attacks are less and less. I was more stressed out when he was around because I was always waiting for him to retract back. Clarity I so love it now the goal is to take the Clarity and morph my heart to logic. Thank you takingcharge999 I do miss my soul and I feel it slowly coming back.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Yes they cannot be alone, active addicts needs enablers, remember there is no love nor partnership just people using each other to keep the denial going (as addicts or as codependents.. I was also, unable to be single trying to mask my pain. Never worked)
It is not personal..
These articles helped me understand what was really going on:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
No one else is "better" than you its just a different character now that you dropped the role, but its the same play over and over and over so you are not missing much. Honest.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
It is not personal..
These articles helped me understand what was really going on:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...special-i.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
No one else is "better" than you its just a different character now that you dropped the role, but its the same play over and over and over so you are not missing much. Honest.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html
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