Razor7

This is my first time posting on here. I actually just found the site today. I guess a little history on our situation will make things easier. We have been together for almost 10 years and married for over 3 years and we have 2 sons. My husband has used some kind of drug and/or alcohol for almost 20 years. He has small times when he hasn't used, but that is when the alcohol would be his vice. In May he came home from a year-long deployment in Afghanistan, which was very hard on him. During the deployment, his mother died. He was able to get home in time to see her for a couple of hours before she passed, but he was shipped back over there for the remaining 8 months of his tour. When he went back over there, he started using again, and more heavy things. When he came home in May, he was still struggling with everything. He was sent to rehab a couple of times, and is currently waiting to see what is going to happen to his military career. Because he is in trouble, he is having to work extra duty, which equates to about 14 to 18 hours of work each day. Because we live about 30 minutes from his work, he started sleeping in his truck, and eventually moved in with a friend that lives closer to work. Well he has been sober now for close to a month, and last week was the 1 year anniversary of his mothers death (which he has not dealt with). He has been telling me that he needs to do this on his own and he needs to figure himself out before he can figure out us. I have been trying to be supportive, but it is hard and very scary.

On Tuesday he told me that he was not "in love" with me. That he still loved me, but he was not "in" love with me. That tore my heart out. He explained to me that in the beginning he thinks he might have fallen in love with me because of the things I did for him and how I showed him unconditional love, which he had never expereinced before. I still love him so much, but I understand what he is saying. Over the 10 years, I have been the main person working, and taking care of the money and family. He doesn't feel like a man, and I know that he wants that to change. I am in total support of him, but it is just so scary. What if he doesn't choose me? what if he realizes that he doesn't really love me?

During this time apart, I am going to start to work on me. I know that there are things that I am unhappy about, and this is giving me the opportunity to change them. But it is hard. I just want him to love me, and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I started going to a counselor, and she explained to me that being out of that "fog" after 20 years, he probably doesn't know what he feels. He also has lost his 2 things he used to turn to in hard times. His mother and his addiction. He still calls and comes by to see me and the boys, but it is hard. I am trying to give him his space and not "talk" him to death. (meaning always wanting to talk about our relationship or the future). But I am just so scared. Does it get better? Does it get easier? I am such a planner and control freak, I wish there was some way I could be given a time line...which I know can't happen.

Sorry I have written so much, I have a tendancy to do that when I am emotional.

LifeRecovery

Welcome Razor7

I too was a control freak and always looking toward the future. I found counseling really helpful and continue to go, but also find Al-anon (or Naranon)...not sure which is more appropriate really helpful too. Both helped me. Others will be along soon.

Keep posting and take care of you.

MTSlideAddict

Hello and Welcome.

It does get better. Unfortunately no one has a crystal ball to foresee into the future or the ability to engrave a time line for the future road’s path. The only thing you can do is work on you, as you have already started. Live for each day, and do not put so much thought into the future or the past. Your husband is trying to understand his own feelings since they have not been clear for many years, and now is the time to get to learn YOU. Try to fix those things that are making you unhappy. Going to Al-Anon and/or Nar-Anon as well as visiting your counselor are good ways to help untangle the jumbled up confusing emotions and thoughts. Try not to base your happiness on his actions, and develop a sense of happiness and serenity independently.

Keep posting here. We are here for you.

BobbyJ

I took it like he is still in the military..correct?

If I were you, I would be contacting the chaplin. They have alot of pull
in the military. He might be able to help you too!

Not sure of the entire story, but from what I read, it sounds like he has alot
buried deep down inside of him.

Military issues from my experiance, are somewhat different than the normal
guy off the street. Those issues need professional help, in which he can
get help with for free. Those issues are nothing like what we have ever dealt
with as a citizen. They see more, than they will ever tell....It sounds like
the military is aware of the situation.

BUT....For your safety & the kids, you need to contact the chaplin right away!!

Military tour issues + alcohol/drugs = POSSIBLE DANGER FOR YOU & HIM!!

I would like to say Alanon is what you need to do, but personally I think
you need to step up the beat a bit more right now...For his safety & yours..
When they crack, they crack....Either hurting himself or someone else...

P.S....Quit being a planner and control freak...Where is that getting you?
Life is too short...Live it up, Laugh, Let Your Spirit Be Free. Dance...

itsjustme1968

Booby that was very good advise. The Doctors at the Va have been very good to
my Husband (Iraq 04). I left my husband of 25 years 3 months ago. He went to detox at the Va for the second time 3 weeks ago. He seems to be doing ok. There is alot of help for him. He has to seek it.
Razor I do hope it gets better for you both. I know my husband has not gotten better.
He will not go to AA and only goes to the doc when things get bad. I have seen alot of people get better.

searchbug

from what you write, sounds like he probably has PTSD as well. Not to make an excuse, but being realistic. I seems to me that even without the drugs/booze, he could be past his capacity to cope. Being military means you DO have those resources, and I strongly urge you to utilize that.
I have not been involved with Al Anon, but the feedback in this locality (forum) is strong on tools for you to be able to focus on your own strength and needs. That would be of benefit, no matter which way his treatment goes.

Razor7

Thank you everyone. He is currently still in the military, and he does have PTSD. The military knows of some of his issues, but they do not know how deep it is. He does attend AA meetings twice a week (because he is required to), but he has told me that they are getting better than they used to be when he first started. I have considered contacting the chaplin, but I worry that that might make things worse. If I see anything take a change for the worse, I will contact them right away.

Since yesterday I started reading different things, and really started to think. And I realized that I have no idea how to be happy on my own. For 10 years, my happiness was wrapped around him and our 2 boys. But I don't have the inner calm or peace in me. In the past 4 years I have developed a short temper with my sons, which is not like me at all! It scares me sometimes because my sons are started to have the temper also. I never hit them, but I do scream a lot, and that is not how I want to be. I guess with time and more putting myself first, these things will change.

Several of you mentioned al-anon. Where I live there are only 3 meetings, and none of them work for me. I do not have anyone who could babysit, and I do not want to take my boys there. I did order a couple of the books, so i am hoping that they come in this week so i can start reading. But I also plan on being active on this website, I think that it can help me a lot.

Thank you all again

Jdkarlson

Razor,
I am actually going through something very similar to you, but with some twists. My wife and I have been together almost 10 years, married for three, but luckily no kids. The twist is: I'm the recovering addict and she's a chemical dependency counselor. I've used one thing or another for about 20 years and have a severally dysfunctional family. The twist is: i'm the main support financially, even with my addiction.
We're also similar in that my wife told me last week that she is no longer "in love" with me; she loves me, but there's a big diifference. Hearing this is extremely painful, so I can relate. I too, am in early recovery and am havingndifficulty losing her and NOT using something to aenesthetize the pain....
Hang in there, just thought you might like to know you're not alone....

Razor7

JDkarlson,

thank you. I knew that there had to be others with similar situations, but it still feels so lonely and scary. I am glad that you are figuring your life out, and your life sounds like my husbands. He has had a rough life and never really learned to deal with anything, except to use drugs to numb the pain.

I truly hope that you are able to find hapiness in your life. Hopefully it will be with your wife, but if not, you can still be happy. (this is probably what I should be telling myself). Thank you for posting, and sharing your pain and story with me. It truly does help.

shawty80

razor, i don't have the relationship years racked up that you do, having only been with my xabf for a little over a year, but he recently told me that he doesn't love me like "that" and it devastated me. it's been a daily struggle for me to take to heart that there is NOTHING i could have done differently to make him feel for me what he doesn't. sadly, he is in love with his rum, and until HE decides that he wants better for himself, i fear he will never have an honest and loving relationship. be kind to yourself and love yourself the way he CAN'T at this point. that's what i'm trying to do on a daily basis. it's harder than i thought possible, and i have definitely struggled with letting go and finding motivation to get out there and live my life as i see fit, but i know that EVENTUALLY, i will be in a better place.

hugs to you. hang in there. you and your boys will definitely benefit from a momma who is at peace! :ghug3

NYCDoglvr

Please, please, please don't pay any attention to someone who has one month sober. (I'm a recovering alcoholic in my 20th year so I can say that, lol). Maybe if he had a year sober, but trust me, his brains are still scrambled. Detoxing from pills and alcohol takes a long time. If he stays sober, you husband will change his mind countless times over the next year. "Being in love" is the excitement of an early relationship. Nobody stays that way....

More important, why aren't you showing YOURSELF unconditional help? While your husband is on his path to (hopefully) stay sober I suggest Al-anon.

skippernlilg

NYC,
I'm glad you posted. I was reading this thread with great interest since my RABF and I are now a few months into our separate recoveries. I've been in program, constantly reading on on here. I've felt better and better. He's doing his thing, too, and when we talk, I've felt on more solid ground.

Until yesterday. I started feeling that familiar roller coaster thing I used to feel when he and I started talking about a possible future. He sounds uncertain. Since he's only apx. 120 days into sobriety, I guess that would be normal for him (to sound uncertain).

I want to remember to stay in TODAY and celebrate the joy of the day with my son and let things go as they will. I'm finding that hard when I think of RABF's uncertainty.

Any hints for me? (and of course, for OP)

rorty

Your husband takes no responsibility for your relationship, then or now. He is in recovery. In my experience with a recovering girlfriend I can shed some light on how this cycle of deferring personal responsibility in relationships. First, your husband's sobriety will take place ten years back (or more) depending on when he started to drink. For my 23 year old girlfriend that age was 16.

Second, his guilt is probably overwhelming. Alcoholism deteriorates ALL relationships. Through his actions he has undoubtedly hurt many people. The question is will he ever take responsibility to repair these relationships? It will take a very long time. For my ex, so far the answer has been no, she will not take responsibility for any of her behavior (can you imagine a 16 year old doing that?).

Third , I would like to answer your question about "what if he does not choose me." The question is problematic and uncertain. Start by considering what normal life is. People are perpetually dissatisfied and unhappy. Now add alcoholism to that equation. What you are going to find-- or may already know-- is that sobriety does not make people happy. Normal people are not happy. He is going to have to find ways to deal with that. To give you some idea of what you can expect: a fairly long time before a relationship is even an option which may depend upon how he decides to achieve sobriety. Most importantly, he will have to take responsibility for who he has been in your relationship and that may take a very looong time to do. I am sure he is very afraid of reconciling things with you which is why he is weaseling out by not being sure of his love for you. He probably really loves you. As you can see his willpower, psychology, etc. produce a very large area of uncertainty about what will happen. Many people in our position turn to a higher power, support group, etc. because dealing with these unknown factors is extremely difficult in addition to what will become very unusual, erratic, unfamiliar behavior. That is why we are here, because of how difficult this journey is.

My advice to you is this: take a stand on your recovery. What he does is out of your influence and understanding. Decide who you want to be for your family and for him. Talk to your family and friends, repair your relationships, and make it very clear who you want to become.

This is a lesson I have learned the hard way. When I would speak about my recovery it would be in relationship to the stimulus my ex would provide. I would prod her, get burned, freak out, go to support, be okay for awhile, try again. What I have learned now is to simply choose who I want to be. What she does is what she does. Her drama is her own. By the way I have taken responsibility for my role in that relationship. I have also made peace with it.

Good luck! Keep coming back!

Razor7

Rorty,

thank you. My husband started using when his father died when he was 14. So a lot of his behavior is teenage like. He has talked to me about what the drugs have done to his career, him as a father, and our relationship. I am not sure if he truly understands how deep the issues are that have been caused by it. I am still here for him, and I still love him. I am trying to take care of myself and learn more about myself in my new world. I truly hope that we are able to work through this, but I am not sure if we will. I'm not ready to give up yet, but I know when I have had enough, I will be ready to walk away.

Thank you again.

AutumnBeauty

Can the soldiers drink while in Afghanistan?

How did your husband get ahold of the alcohol?

My alcoholic SO is military. He claims that there is no alcohol available to soliders in Afghanistan or Iraq and even if it was available, drinking is not allowed. Is this not the case?

Hang in there.:ghug3

rorty

I am right there with you. I haven't given up on mine either. I decided that I would be there for her throughout her entire recovery process and I told her that. I stand for the possibility of having a healthy relationship with her, no matter what happens. By expressing that promise I found peace; only I am responsible for being true to my word, it puts the focus in my life back on me.

Yes, I realize that is a very abstract notion "putting the focus back on me." Allow me to elaborate. When you do what you want to do then you are living your life. You are not vicariously involved with your ex. My life used to look like this: woe is me, my ex started using again. Now she ignores me. Now this.. now that. What does it mean? Why is she doing this? Does she love me? I would be sitting around all day not living my life, but living through hers.

Today I represent our future, her recovery, and a healthy relationship. Why? Because I want to. All that I have to do is be right here, with myself. I don't have to take her calls, I don't worry if she relapses, I don't worry if she loves me today and hates me tomorrow. All I have to do is think about what I want to be doing. And being there for her is part of what I want to do. The biggest epiphany that I had is that I can love her without reciprocation! I choose to do so, for me, in my world. The most important aspect of working on yourself is to take actions and follow your heart. You are not your husband, nor are you responsible for him. But you can love him unconditionally just because you do.

Having said all this now, does that mean my ex trusts in my promise, appreciates it, accepts it, or cares? No, it doesn't. I don't even think she can be present to that level of reality. But that doesn't matter, she is the one who cannot accept any responsibility for our relationship. So I leave it at that.

To summarize my perspective and experience: Yes! You can be there for him and never give up! You can be as loving as you want and bring new happiness to your family. Just realize that you are not your husband's history. You are you. You can create anything for yourself and for others as long as you realize that it comes from you unconditionally. The minute you start to add conditions to your actions (ie "My ex will love me if I send her a birthday card") you take the work and focus away from yourself and give away your power. Instead the mentality should be: "I will send my ex a birthday card because I love her."

Hope this helps.
Rorty

Razor7

Autum Beauty - There is not alcohol, but he start smoking the local hash? (not sure if that is what it was, I just remember him using that word once). It grows in Afghanistan everywhere, so many of the soldiers use it to help cope. Many of them also dope up with steriods that they are able to order online and have shipped there. And it is is not allowed, but a lot of wives and people ship alcohol over there. That may not be the case your SO is though

Razor7

Rorty - yes, it helps. Thank you again for sharing your story. It sounds crazy, but I wasn't sure what "living my life" would look like. I know that it is different with everyone, but I think you shared a great point about doing what I want to do. I have to start living my life for me and not for him. Right now there are times that I don't do something, just because I think he might come by, and I don't want to miss him. I knew that it was wrong for me to do that, but it is starting to make sense on why.

There is so much that you said that resenates in me, so thank you. I am learning that this is a huge process with a giant learning curve. I was feeling good yesterday, then today was a bad day. But I know that it is ok to have a bad day, and I am realizing that the reason I had a bad day was because I started the day out focused on him. I was worried about him and stressed about how he was doing today. He has told me a hundred times not to worry about him, that he will be ok, but I can't seem to stop. I am noticing that I am worrying about him less, and it is getting easier. But, worrying about him his letting my life revolve around him. I am going to start telling myself everytime that I start to worry about him, "Life my life for me. He is ok. What do I want to do right now?" Sounds corney, but it might help me. Thank you again

itsjustme1968

They can get it over there. Im not sure how often. I do know they use to be able to get there hands on some.

AutumnBeauty

Local Hash?!?!?????????? How pervasive is its use among our US troops? Is it just a small minority that are secretly using this stuff? Or are the majority of them are using it and there's no risk of getting busted because the NCOs and COs are either using it too or looking the other way? I looked it up and it sounds like it's similar to pot...which is just awesome because my SO use to be addicted to pot back in college and one of the biggest reasons he stopped was because the military does drug tests. He is going to Afganistan in 2013.

Check out this article where a Commander is claiming we should have our troops smoke this stuff to make friends with the afgans!
Those Politicos: Sharing hashish pipe key to winning Afghan hearts and minds, U.S. commander says

I can't flippin believe our troops are getting high overseas!!! I am so sorry you are going through this.