Is this an attempt to control?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
Is this an attempt to control?
And it's not an A either. It is my son who will be 18 tomorrow. I need to reason this out with others.
He is a senior in high school. He has no car. He lives with dad and his dad won't insure him (not for any reason, he does not do anything for him). I can't insure him acording to my policy because he does not live with me. He can't insure himself until he is 18 y old. SO he has been saving money for a car. My parents have pleaged to help him financially to make the purchase since he has stayed out of trouble, saved some money and got decent grades. I have pledged to help him financially with repairs and insurance when I can.I am not in a financial position to give him a lump sum to get the car. I am too busy paying child support that he never sees the benifit of and clothing and hair cuts and school lunches and senior year stuff and on and on for him. I am not resentful for this, I am just tapped out.
He has about 2000 dollars. he is kind of expecting my parents to give him 3000. So he has been looking at 5000 cars. I am not sure how he plans on getting insurance and plates. He has not looked for a steady part time job. He has recently made 500 dollars. He informs me that he will be getting a tatoo for himself since he is now 18 years old. My mother and I told him that he needs to save that money for his car insurance. We also told him that he feels he has sufficent dollars to use on a tatoo he either 1) does not want a car very badly or 2) he expects us to provide for all of his needs and we require no financial responsibility on his part.
Now, he knows we don't like tatoos. So he thinks our intention is to prevent him from getting a tatoo. That is not my intention. I would feel the same way if he were going to buy an ipod or pair of 200 dollar sunglasses. My intention is for him to learn some financialy responsibility. For him to have some respect for the sacrafices his family makes for him so he can have a car , nice clothes and go to college. Right now we feel he expects too much. He expects to not have a job and we will keep handing him money for things.
Am I being to harsh? Expecting too much of an 18 y old? He does save some of his money. He has been a good kid. But my parents and I will be making a huge financial sacrafice for him.And even if we weren't making a sacrafice I feel he needs to contribute.
I have a hard time relating to what it is like to be a teenager. At his age I was busy being a wife, paying bills and raising a 3 y old.
Thanks for your perspective,
Amanda
He is a senior in high school. He has no car. He lives with dad and his dad won't insure him (not for any reason, he does not do anything for him). I can't insure him acording to my policy because he does not live with me. He can't insure himself until he is 18 y old. SO he has been saving money for a car. My parents have pleaged to help him financially to make the purchase since he has stayed out of trouble, saved some money and got decent grades. I have pledged to help him financially with repairs and insurance when I can.I am not in a financial position to give him a lump sum to get the car. I am too busy paying child support that he never sees the benifit of and clothing and hair cuts and school lunches and senior year stuff and on and on for him. I am not resentful for this, I am just tapped out.
He has about 2000 dollars. he is kind of expecting my parents to give him 3000. So he has been looking at 5000 cars. I am not sure how he plans on getting insurance and plates. He has not looked for a steady part time job. He has recently made 500 dollars. He informs me that he will be getting a tatoo for himself since he is now 18 years old. My mother and I told him that he needs to save that money for his car insurance. We also told him that he feels he has sufficent dollars to use on a tatoo he either 1) does not want a car very badly or 2) he expects us to provide for all of his needs and we require no financial responsibility on his part.
Now, he knows we don't like tatoos. So he thinks our intention is to prevent him from getting a tatoo. That is not my intention. I would feel the same way if he were going to buy an ipod or pair of 200 dollar sunglasses. My intention is for him to learn some financialy responsibility. For him to have some respect for the sacrafices his family makes for him so he can have a car , nice clothes and go to college. Right now we feel he expects too much. He expects to not have a job and we will keep handing him money for things.
Am I being to harsh? Expecting too much of an 18 y old? He does save some of his money. He has been a good kid. But my parents and I will be making a huge financial sacrafice for him.And even if we weren't making a sacrafice I feel he needs to contribute.
I have a hard time relating to what it is like to be a teenager. At his age I was busy being a wife, paying bills and raising a 3 y old.
Thanks for your perspective,
Amanda
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 11
No, you are not being too harsh. He is now at the age when he is considered a legal adult and he needs to learn that decisions have consequences. I know that I tried to give my son everything and shield him from the consequences of his decisions when he was that age in the mistaken thinking that I wanted him to have an easier time of it than I did. As a result, I have a 23 year old who is immature, irresponsible, and an alcoholic. I would much prefer it if he were mad at me for being too hard on him if it meant that he was a well-adjusted responsible young adult.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I have an almost 18 yr old and we are also car shopping. She has saved her down payment and grandparents are pitching in a bit. Luckily, she lives with me so I can cover the insurance, but she is expected to make the payments. And she also wants a tattoo on her birthday.
I think its normal. I do remember being 18 and feeling a sense of freedom. I also remember having to become responsible for my own choices, even the bad ones. And I can't help but think that if we parents still feel we need to be hard on our 18 yr olds, then we need to evaluate our own parenting at this point. I mean, she is considered a legal adult at 18, and I view my "hands-on" parenting as coming to a close. Not that I won't be here for her when she needs me, but that its time to take a big step back and let her grow up. We learn from our bad choices; we all make them from time to time and she will make her own as well.
We can't control them like we could when they were 5, or 10. It is now their choice to become mature responsible productive members of society, and for some, that road is a lot longer and more bumpy than others. Out of respect to her journey, I am trusting and believing in her while letting her go live her own life on her terms now. It's time.
I think its normal. I do remember being 18 and feeling a sense of freedom. I also remember having to become responsible for my own choices, even the bad ones. And I can't help but think that if we parents still feel we need to be hard on our 18 yr olds, then we need to evaluate our own parenting at this point. I mean, she is considered a legal adult at 18, and I view my "hands-on" parenting as coming to a close. Not that I won't be here for her when she needs me, but that its time to take a big step back and let her grow up. We learn from our bad choices; we all make them from time to time and she will make her own as well.
We can't control them like we could when they were 5, or 10. It is now their choice to become mature responsible productive members of society, and for some, that road is a lot longer and more bumpy than others. Out of respect to her journey, I am trusting and believing in her while letting her go live her own life on her terms now. It's time.
Its_me_jen
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Salina, Ks
Posts: 8,547
I don't think you're being too harsh.
In stead of an open-ended "I'll help you financially." I would offer a specific amount that fits into your budget.
Obviously, if he's not found a job he's not planning to pay for insurance and tags himself.
In stead of an open-ended "I'll help you financially." I would offer a specific amount that fits into your budget.
Obviously, if he's not found a job he's not planning to pay for insurance and tags himself.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Has your son shopped out the cost of car insurance? Often it is a real eye opener for them. Pick a car similiar to what he may be interested in, and have him call local insurance agents, or go online for some quotes. Encourage him to investigate this matter himself, often they can afford the car but not the insurance.
I would also put in writing what you or his grandparents are willing/able to contribute, explaining that the rest will be his responsibility. I think it is wonderful that you are teaching your son financial responsibility.
I remember being 18, without a care in the world, the whole world to explore. Of course my agenda was completely different than my parents. At 18, I certainly did not have the maturity or wisdom to understand the ways of the world. It is a learning process, and I had two great parents who gave me a crash course in finance. (and I remember not liking it)
You are not being harsh at all. You are doing your job as a mom. We only want our kids to grow up to be responsible, caring, working adults. Stick to your guns, I think you are doing great.
I would also put in writing what you or his grandparents are willing/able to contribute, explaining that the rest will be his responsibility. I think it is wonderful that you are teaching your son financial responsibility.
I remember being 18, without a care in the world, the whole world to explore. Of course my agenda was completely different than my parents. At 18, I certainly did not have the maturity or wisdom to understand the ways of the world. It is a learning process, and I had two great parents who gave me a crash course in finance. (and I remember not liking it)
You are not being harsh at all. You are doing your job as a mom. We only want our kids to grow up to be responsible, caring, working adults. Stick to your guns, I think you are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
I am an "insurance person", so I just kinda wanted to put my 2 cents in. We see this situation a lot with split families. I work for one of the country's major insurers...and we often insure kids under policies of the non-custodial parent. It is very common to do this, so just for good measure, maybe talk to your agent again? We are able to do so, while even still billing the child separately for their policy. Another benefit of doing so would be the discount you both would get for the additional vehicle. It is also possible, in my company, for an individual under the age of 18 to get his/her own policy. They will DEFINITELY pay more doing it that way, but it can be done. Not sure I can really tout where I work on here, and in other states in could differ, but think "can I get a hot tub?" and maybe that will clue you to the company. 
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I was him, I have a teenager, and he is out of line. You are not, even remotely, being too harsh. It's your money, he's 18, and he should be thankful for what he is getting. If the tattoo is his priority, great. He chooses that instead of the car. If the priority is the car he'll make it the priority.
Doing good doesn't give you license to do bad, and doing good doesn't entitle you to some kind of reward. You do good because you are supposed to do good. Time for this boy who wants the privileges of a man to grow up and go and get these privileges for himself.
When I was 18 I got money for college, but I didn't get anything for a car (or tattoos for that matter). Why? Because my parents believed that all they owed me at that point was a head start on college which is exactly what I got (enough money for 4 years of tuition, books, room, and board). I worked full time in a restaurant all through college because I wanted a car, road trips, and a fairly nice lifestyle. I got that too, by myself because it was time to grow up.
The delayed adulthood of this generation is not their fault, it's more the fault of the parents of this generation, but it doesn't mean they deserve a god damned thing, and it doesn't mean it's ok or right.
Good luck. Sift through my resentment and disgust with entitled teenagers to get to the meat of this.
Cyranoak
Doing good doesn't give you license to do bad, and doing good doesn't entitle you to some kind of reward. You do good because you are supposed to do good. Time for this boy who wants the privileges of a man to grow up and go and get these privileges for himself.
When I was 18 I got money for college, but I didn't get anything for a car (or tattoos for that matter). Why? Because my parents believed that all they owed me at that point was a head start on college which is exactly what I got (enough money for 4 years of tuition, books, room, and board). I worked full time in a restaurant all through college because I wanted a car, road trips, and a fairly nice lifestyle. I got that too, by myself because it was time to grow up.
The delayed adulthood of this generation is not their fault, it's more the fault of the parents of this generation, but it doesn't mean they deserve a god damned thing, and it doesn't mean it's ok or right.
Good luck. Sift through my resentment and disgust with entitled teenagers to get to the meat of this.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
nope. not too hard.
with our girls we've never offered a car or money towards one. they've been helped with school and they've been expected to help themselves towards getting an education. they've been told that since we've helped get them the education, they can be expected to use it to pay for any weddings down the road.
we've kept them on our insurance and lent them our cars when it was not a hardship on us.
with our girls we've never offered a car or money towards one. they've been helped with school and they've been expected to help themselves towards getting an education. they've been told that since we've helped get them the education, they can be expected to use it to pay for any weddings down the road.
we've kept them on our insurance and lent them our cars when it was not a hardship on us.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: INDIANA
Posts: 39
Thank you all for taking the time to answer me. I sometimes second guess myself because I know my thinking is still distorted by this family disease. Also I am only 33, so sometimes I feel like I still have some growing up tp do myself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I have a son who's also a senior in high school and 18 going on about 14.
I agree 100% with Cyranoak's wise words. Kids these days get way too much handed to them. Let him work for the things he wants so that he values them and what it takes to get them.
I agree 100% with Cyranoak's wise words. Kids these days get way too much handed to them. Let him work for the things he wants so that he values them and what it takes to get them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: california
Posts: 44
no ur are right
Originally Posted by AMANDA911 
And it's not an A either. It is my son who will be 18 tomorrow. I need to reason this out with others.
He is a senior in high school. He has no car. He lives with dad and his dad won't insure him (not for any reason, he does not do anything for him). I can't insure him acording to my policy because he does not live with me. He can't insure himself until he is 18 y old. SO he has been saving money for a car. My parents have pleaged to help him financially to make the purchase since he has stayed out of trouble, saved some money and got decent grades. I have pledged to help him financially with repairs and insurance when I can.I am not in a financial position to give him a lump sum to get the car. I am too busy paying child support that he never sees the benifit of and clothing and hair cuts and school lunches and senior year stuff and on and on for him. I am not resentful for this, I am just tapped out.
He has about 2000 dollars. he is kind of expecting my parents to give him 3000. So he has been looking at 5000 cars. I am not sure how he plans on getting insurance and plates. He has not looked for a steady part time job. He has recently made 500 dollars. He informs me that he will be getting a tatoo for himself since he is now 18 years old. My mother and I told him that he needs to save that money for his car insurance. We also told him that he feels he has sufficent dollars to use on a tatoo he either 1) does not want a car very badly or 2) he expects us to provide for all of his needs and we require no financial responsibility on his part.
Now, he knows we don't like tatoos. So he thinks our intention is to prevent him from getting a tatoo. That is not my intention. I would feel the same way if he were going to buy an ipod or pair of 200 dollar sunglasses. My intention is for him to learn some financialy responsibility. For him to have some respect for the sacrafices his family makes for him so he can have a car , nice clothes and go to college. Right now we feel he expects too much. He expects to not have a job and we will keep handing him money for things.
Am I being to harsh? Expecting too much of an 18 y old? He does save some of his money. He has been a good kid. But my parents and I will be making a huge financial sacrafice for him.And even if we weren't making a sacrafice I feel he needs to contribute.
I have a hard time relating to what it is like to be a teenager. At his age I was busy being a wife, paying bills and raising a 3 y old.
Thanks for your perspective,
Amanda
He is a senior in high school. He has no car. He lives with dad and his dad won't insure him (not for any reason, he does not do anything for him). I can't insure him acording to my policy because he does not live with me. He can't insure himself until he is 18 y old. SO he has been saving money for a car. My parents have pleaged to help him financially to make the purchase since he has stayed out of trouble, saved some money and got decent grades. I have pledged to help him financially with repairs and insurance when I can.I am not in a financial position to give him a lump sum to get the car. I am too busy paying child support that he never sees the benifit of and clothing and hair cuts and school lunches and senior year stuff and on and on for him. I am not resentful for this, I am just tapped out.
He has about 2000 dollars. he is kind of expecting my parents to give him 3000. So he has been looking at 5000 cars. I am not sure how he plans on getting insurance and plates. He has not looked for a steady part time job. He has recently made 500 dollars. He informs me that he will be getting a tatoo for himself since he is now 18 years old. My mother and I told him that he needs to save that money for his car insurance. We also told him that he feels he has sufficent dollars to use on a tatoo he either 1) does not want a car very badly or 2) he expects us to provide for all of his needs and we require no financial responsibility on his part.
Now, he knows we don't like tatoos. So he thinks our intention is to prevent him from getting a tatoo. That is not my intention. I would feel the same way if he were going to buy an ipod or pair of 200 dollar sunglasses. My intention is for him to learn some financialy responsibility. For him to have some respect for the sacrafices his family makes for him so he can have a car , nice clothes and go to college. Right now we feel he expects too much. He expects to not have a job and we will keep handing him money for things.
Am I being to harsh? Expecting too much of an 18 y old? He does save some of his money. He has been a good kid. But my parents and I will be making a huge financial sacrafice for him.And even if we weren't making a sacrafice I feel he needs to contribute.
I have a hard time relating to what it is like to be a teenager. At his age I was busy being a wife, paying bills and raising a 3 y old.
Thanks for your perspective,
Amanda
You are right in what you are doing and no it is not to harsh or controlling. He needs to learn that with age comes responsibility. And cars and nice things are earned. It is ok to help him help himself..that is what a good parent does
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