suki44883

The first thing I'd do is stop paying his rent, health insurance and utilities. Don't pay his loan to his mother, either. He has no intention of paying you back. He is manipulating you and trying to scare you about getting half your business if you decide to divorce him. He's a jerk. If he is out dating, why are you going to marriage counseling??

suki44883

Okay, I misread that. I read that HE was out on a date. So, okay, forget that part. The rest of my comment stands. Find out your financial rights because all states are different in these matters. Does he work? If not, why not? If so, why can't he pay his own bills? You are right though, you ARE being used. Please don't let him manipulate you this way. You deserve better.

Freedom1990

I couldn't agree more. I like what Dr. Phil says, "How is that working for you?" Sounds to me like he has quite the sense of entitlement, and why shouldn't he based on the fact you are paying his rent, health insurance, and utilities?

amy55

gbz,

I second that motion. Stop paying everything. He is trying to manipulate you. Trying to blackmail you. How long are you married? Any children involved? If you moved out so that he would hit rock bottom, he didn't yet. He is going to still threaten you. See an attorney, know your rights, as opposed to what he says he will get from you. He's blowing smoke out of his @ss.

amy55

OK, can you get the cats out. It seems like this means a lot to you. Other than that, based on getting married in 2008, I don't see where a judge would give him anything.

amy55

Based on the fact that he is an alcoholic or not, no judge is going to award him money to sit home on his @ss.

My first marriage, my ex, quit his job one week before we got married. When we got divorced, he was ordered to pay the minimum in child support. $100.00 per month. I was working, he wasn't.

Based on a 3 year marriage, you will not have to give him anything, except to divide the household stuff 50/50. I think that goes for all states.

suki44883

If you stop paying all his living expenses, you could probably afford to get your own place where you could get your cats and your belongings. This man might have mental issues, but he isn't getting any better sitting on his butt all day. How do you know for sure that he's quit drinking and is going to AA? Did he tell you that? Do you have any proof? I wouldn't believe anything he said about that. It sounds to me like he sees his meal ticket walking away and he's pulling out all the stops in an attempt to keep you in line. Again, you deserve better.

amy55

I have to jump in again on this. I am an alcoholic. I am also a codependent. He is manipulating you. He wants you to feel sorry for him.

My ex was not only an alcoholic, he was abusive. Wanted me to feel sorry for him all the time. Wanted for me to keep giving him and doing things for him. Was never satisfied. He had a problem going back all the way to when he was a child. I could never make things right for him.

Alcoholism and abuse are 2 different things, even though they get entangled. This pity trip that you H has right now is emotional abuse.

Sorry to be so blunt.

(((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
amy (btdt)

Taking5

gbz - there is joint property, he is entitled to 50% of everything both of you acquired since you've been married, even if you did 100% of the work, assuming no prenup was in place.

So if you business' net worth rose $1 million while you were married, he is entitled to half of that increase. He is entitled to none of the value of your business before you got married. The good news is, I cannot imagine your business did anything but devalue from 2008 to now. So he is likely to be very dissapointed.

Just get a good lawyer. Since you are in CA he could even ask for alimony.

suki44883

he said he stopped because his mom asked him to, not because i left .

Just another example of his utter disregard for your feelings. Actually, he sounds like a little child. How immature.

amy55

Pls don't fall for the I love you b.s. It soon comes back to I hate you, or I have no feelings for you, or just a hateful stare. You were married for almost 3 years, I was married for 27, with him for 25, it all gets worse, I would never have believed it, if I didn't see it for myself.

Yes, I believed him after he ran away from home for a few days going up to 2 months at a time, I wanted to believe him.

You do not have to be "patient", he needs to stop drinking, and to stop being "abusive".

Not your problem, it's his problem.

Keep going to Alanon. Keep repeating, it is his problem, not my problem. I can't fix it, I can't cure, and I can't control it. Only he can, doesn't seem like he is doing a good job of it. He still wants you to cure it or live with it,and forgive and forget.

Taking5

Maybe you could sell him half your business, as in half of your clients. He won't be able to run it, and they would likely come running back to you. Ask your lawyer if that is a possibility. If he admits he couldn't do anything with half of your business even if he had it, that may play out well for you as well.

Thumper

I live in a 50/50 state too so half his school loans were mine and half my retirement was his. I gave him all my retirement and took none of the school loans because I have four kids and no money so I couldn't take on any additional monthly payments. He loved that idea because he got 25K to drink away. I bought a house while we were married so that was half his but I could have bought him out of it. We sold instead as it was to much $$ for me. Definitely talk to your laywer. Now I'm into my 40's, four small kids, zero retirement but poor choices have poor outcomes :sigh:

Thumper

I should add - poor financial outcomes. It was in no way worth staying married. My financial future looks way better on my own, with no retirement, then it ever did/would staying married to an alcoholic.

Freedom1990

There are plenty of professional mental health resources out there, many of which I utilize, and I am a recovering alcoholic.

As for pity, I used that to my advantage for many years. Those who pitied me enabled me.

What he needs is not pity, but the dignity to live his life as he sees fit, mental health treatment or not, drinking or not.

SoaringSpirits

I'm in CA, too. Have been for consults with two different attorneys now. Glad you are going to see an attorney. Legal separation and divorce are essentially the same in CA as far as finances go. Since you've been married less than 10 years, yours is not considered a "marriage of long duration" (ie more right to alimony, etc) which may be good for you. In my case we have a lot of assets and IRAs, stocks, etc. All that is somewhat reasonable to divvy up. What gets complicated is our business, which is a marital asset. It would be good for you to find out how you stand with that. In my case my AH will either have to buy me out or continue to share 50% of gross profits with me. Hope that is not the case for you.

Don't keep paying his way. All this comes out in the wash legally, but you can't get blood from a stone, ie, if he winds up 'owing' you for the financial support you've given him while separated (the courts sort things based on the date of your separation, not filing date) you may never see it. Better to get your cats out and just cut your losses now. But see that attorney and get good advice! It all matters what you do as of date of separation.

Good luck, hang in there, keep posting.

outtolunch

Too funny.

outtolunch

Seems like a contradiction.