Mersault

Well this is my first time ever posting about my addictions, and my first time trying the "support" deal. I'm 37yr old male, self employeed, with two awesome sons and the most amazingly supportive fiance on the planet. I've been a drug user for well over 20 years I started off drinking, I'm first generation US born from Irish mother, and booze was like medicine growing up. I can't tell you how many times I was given hot whiskey, lemon and honey to go "sweat"out a cold. I was binge drinking and smoking pot by 14, but never had addiction issues until I discovered my first real mistress, GHB, christ I haven't had a drop in ten years and I miss it like the first day I quit.
I was an avid body builder/power lifter and ten years ago "G" was what we all did to recover faster after heavy workouts. Wasn't long before it was a nightly "treat" and weekend binge. It was like magic and made a shy young man with bad body image issues, into an instant ladies man. I've woken up in so many strange beds, not knowing where I was, how I got there, or who these random people were. By this time I was wrapping up a bio/chem degree, and working nights as the doorman at a beach club. I was living a nocturnal life that quickly became the new "reality". I thought I'd found nirvana. I had my fill of as many new women as I wanted, I constantly had people complimenting how I looked. I'd found everything I thought I wanted but when I was sober I was a self loathing, miserable wreck. The ghb was taking a heavy toll, and the DEA was cracking down on sale/manufacture and I knew I needed to clean up. So I did the only logical thing and I quit using, and in short order I'd transfered my addiction to a new mistress Oxycodon.
I've had an on going romance with painmeds since 2002. I'd been in the bar scene so long I had contacts everywhere, and with a formal education in chemistry it didn't take long before manufacture and distribution was my new normal. I was back on "top", making stupid money and constantly high. I thought life was good again, but it didn't take long before I was totally consumed. I was no longer lifting, lost 70lbs, and everywhere I met someone from my past the first question was "Are you sick?" The irony was the answer was YES, but I couldn't ask for help. I didn't know where to go, our what to say. I quit several times, the last time two years ago. Today I'm clean 5 days from 240mg daily oxy use. I've missed a huge chunk of my boys lives and I'm ready to put this hell behind me and be a new person. For me withdrawll is doable, but staying clean is hellish. My longest clean stint is about 8 months and my shortest 7 days. I really want this time to be my last withdrawl, and so I'm here. It actually feelsa little less daunting just after writing this.

Thanks;

Fenris

Mersault, I'm glad you're here. This is a good place to come for help and support. And as you've noticed, just getting everything off your chest is a great source of relief from the weight you're carrying around inside you. I would also encourage you to find some face-to-face support, someone to talk to who understands what you're going through. Have you considered going to any AA or NA meetings? Quitting our drug of choice isn't really the hard part -- staying clean and learning how to live a life without the crutch and coping tool we've relied on for so long...that's the hard part. But AA and NA have a solution that works for a lot of people (including me, when I do what I'm supposed to do). Take care and keep coming back.

--Fenris.

sugarbear1

Welcome!

tanja

Welcome Mersualt! I have tried to quite thousands of times. I am on day 17 and the support that I have found has been invaluable. It takes courage to change and you have taken the first step. The slogan "one day at a time" really does help. We are all here to support you!

Dee74

Welcome to SR Mersault
You'll find a lot of support and ideas here

We also have a substance abuse forum you may also want to look at :
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

D

Mersault

One of the things I needed to my original post is that I carry a deep regret for my past. I spent a few days reading here before I posted. I realize I was a part of the supply problem for way too long, and I have no way to know how many lives I ruined. I'd love to start being part of a solution, and to everyone who may have been in my unfortunate wake I'm sincerely sorry.

artsoul

That's a great thought, Mersault. I hope you don't beat yourself up too much about the past...... none of us ever planned on becoming addicts/alcoholics or hurting anyone. It seems to come with the territory.

I'm just glad you're here...... there's a ton of support and just by posting, you're helping others. Take it one day at a time and stay positive....Welcome!

Mersault

Well that's a pill free week. And one crazy stressful one, looking foreward to my stomach getting straight. Always one of the toughest parts for me.

Underthera1

This is my first contact and quite frankly I am unsure to begin. I am well into my seventies, been drinking for along time. Like many of you I have stopped drinking many times but never really committed to making it permanent. For health reasons I have been told to get off the booze. The longest I have ever lasted is 63 days. But now I am totally committed I have to find a way to get through what I realize is my most difficult obstacle that is socializing. I enjoy a drink with my friends so I have cut back on my social life. I have tried alternative drinks, I
have explained my health situation but I still have a problem watching others enjoy a drink. I Believe that now I am fully committed I will make but if you have any thoughts that you think
may be helpful I would be glad to hear from you. I am not a deeply religious but I do pray every day, so I know I have the strongest supporter a man could possibly have.

Confuzd

Thank you for your honesty Mersault about being part of the "supply problem". I have hated the supply problem for what it did to me and my friends, but I wish even one person I knew said they want to be a part of the solution. Please do not be too hard on yourself. That will only land you back where you were. So many people including myself have thought there were lines we would never cross, then we found ourselves crossing them every day. Best of luck to you!

sadsoul2011

Welcome Merasult and Underthera1! You've come to a good place for help! Thanks for posting.

Mersault

Hey Underthera I thought I posted this morning, but it was on my phone and didn't seem to go through, most sorry. I get your vibe on the missed social aspects. I'm a first gen American born to an Irish immigrant, and spend a good deal of my time in the mother country. As any proper son of Eire. It's tough for people who've never experienced it to know how integral "your pub" is, and to what degree drink plays in "proper" sociability. To make it worse still for me my mother's family are mostly Publicans. I fully get the stigma behind refusing part of a round, and have often had the barman mix my Vodka and Orangina hold the Vodka rather than slug back more booze. Perhaps that's a tactic you can employ, untill you're more secure in your sobriety. It's either that or you've just got to cowboy up and tell your people that you want to try sober life. The ones that really care about you will come around and hold you up. The ones that want to pull you down you need to cull anyway. Ah and for the record I've been an avid surfer since I was a wee lad of 13, and you are one lucky bloke to be where you are. Great beaches, and one of the best swell windows in the world. You may well miss out on part of your countries social scene, but there's a host of other things to enjoy in life.

Mersault

Today is sober day 12 and things are finally starting to look better. I actually slept through almost an entire evening last night, only got up one time, and went right back to sleep. Mornings are so much better when you sleep. Morning was cool, crisp, and beautiful. Now that I'm sleeping again, I'm taking my pudgey arse back into the gym.

eJoshua

Welcome to SR! I'm glad you are here.