It's been a few months...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
It's been a few months...
Hi, I don't know if anyone remembers me....but I posted here several months ago in regards to my boyfriend at the time who revealed to me that he was a recovering heroin addict.
The last time he contacted me was in June. He called me regarding something stupid....that he could have easily looked up online, and then asked how I was doing...like nothing was wrong. A few days...week?...later, it was his birthday. I texted him Happy Birthday, and he ignored it. I got defensive and called him on it. We fought a little....I ended up telling me that he couldn't contact me anymore because it hurts too much when he does. He said 'that's fine. Just remember this is what YOU wanted.'. And that was that.
Fast forward a month and I meet someone new. I think my experience with the addict affected my relationship with the new guy. I think I kept looking for red flags that weren't there. There wasn't any drama. We didnt fight. The only time we did was when I didn't hear from him for a week (he works a job in finance-was working 16 hour days, training for a boxing match too so he had to quit smoking, plus his mom is really sick). After that he was acting like he was mad at me...and eventually one day, he said 'once the drama starts, i call it quits. i can't have any more stress. i'm sorry'. I told him that I didn't want any drama and that i didn't want things to end over something that could be easily resolved. All he could said was 'i agree'...and that was it. There was no dramatic breakup. I didn't cry and beg for him to take me back. It's been a month. The only contact I had with him was a couple days ago when I send him a fb messaged apologizing for pushing him to talk to me, that i hoped everything on his end was better, that i was hoping to try again, and that i was sincerely sorry for how i acted-that the last thing I wanted was to create more stress for him. He never replied.
I broke down the other night and texted Heroin ex. I don't remember whatI said because I deleted it. I just feel so....messed up because of the Addict. :/
so...my question....did I completely ruin things with new guy? Is it possible that my relationship with the Addict is going to affect me for the rest of my life?
(sorry this is so long...i dont know where i else to go!!)
The last time he contacted me was in June. He called me regarding something stupid....that he could have easily looked up online, and then asked how I was doing...like nothing was wrong. A few days...week?...later, it was his birthday. I texted him Happy Birthday, and he ignored it. I got defensive and called him on it. We fought a little....I ended up telling me that he couldn't contact me anymore because it hurts too much when he does. He said 'that's fine. Just remember this is what YOU wanted.'. And that was that.
Fast forward a month and I meet someone new. I think my experience with the addict affected my relationship with the new guy. I think I kept looking for red flags that weren't there. There wasn't any drama. We didnt fight. The only time we did was when I didn't hear from him for a week (he works a job in finance-was working 16 hour days, training for a boxing match too so he had to quit smoking, plus his mom is really sick). After that he was acting like he was mad at me...and eventually one day, he said 'once the drama starts, i call it quits. i can't have any more stress. i'm sorry'. I told him that I didn't want any drama and that i didn't want things to end over something that could be easily resolved. All he could said was 'i agree'...and that was it. There was no dramatic breakup. I didn't cry and beg for him to take me back. It's been a month. The only contact I had with him was a couple days ago when I send him a fb messaged apologizing for pushing him to talk to me, that i hoped everything on his end was better, that i was hoping to try again, and that i was sincerely sorry for how i acted-that the last thing I wanted was to create more stress for him. He never replied.
I broke down the other night and texted Heroin ex. I don't remember whatI said because I deleted it. I just feel so....messed up because of the Addict. :/
so...my question....did I completely ruin things with new guy? Is it possible that my relationship with the Addict is going to affect me for the rest of my life?
(sorry this is so long...i dont know where i else to go!!)
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by CaliSoca 
We didnt fight. The only time we did was when I didn't hear from him for a week (he works a job in finance-was working 16 hour days, training for a boxing match too so he had to quit smoking, plus his mom is really sick).
When we feel lonely we often seek others to validate us. We oftentimes allow others to chose us instead of having our own criteria.
Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Volunteer somewhere. Make a difference. Meet some healthy people. Take a class. Learn something new. No reason to settle for chopped liver and all that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back, I'm glad you found us again.
It's entirely up to you but what if you made a point of spending some time without contacting anyone, without connecting with any male, and just took time to work on your own issues and decide what matters most to you in life?
If you read your post, it is as if you are trying to make yourself what "they" want. When you are yourself, they give you the cold shoulder and then you seem to need to know what you have to do to make "them" happy. You deserve so much better than this, really you do.
Sweetie, you are worthy of being yourself, a wonderful person with a mind of your own, dreams of your own and a path that is all yours to follow. You don't have to be what anyone wants you to be...it's okay to just be you.
Recovery taught me that, and it taught me to love myself again, warts and all. I am not perfect, not even close, but if I am the best person I know how to be most days...and if I stay true to MY values and MY dreams, my life is fulfilling and happy. And it no longer matters one whit to me what anyone else thinks I "should" be or do. I am who I am, love me or leave me, and what others think of me matters not.
It's your life, live it the best way you know how, you're worth it.
Hugs
It's entirely up to you but what if you made a point of spending some time without contacting anyone, without connecting with any male, and just took time to work on your own issues and decide what matters most to you in life?
If you read your post, it is as if you are trying to make yourself what "they" want. When you are yourself, they give you the cold shoulder and then you seem to need to know what you have to do to make "them" happy. You deserve so much better than this, really you do.
Sweetie, you are worthy of being yourself, a wonderful person with a mind of your own, dreams of your own and a path that is all yours to follow. You don't have to be what anyone wants you to be...it's okay to just be you.
Recovery taught me that, and it taught me to love myself again, warts and all. I am not perfect, not even close, but if I am the best person I know how to be most days...and if I stay true to MY values and MY dreams, my life is fulfilling and happy. And it no longer matters one whit to me what anyone else thinks I "should" be or do. I am who I am, love me or leave me, and what others think of me matters not.
It's your life, live it the best way you know how, you're worth it.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by outtolunch
My first reaction was it sounds like he might be married or over commited elsewhere, not into a relationship.
When we feel lonely we often seek others to validate us. We oftentimes allow others to chose us instead of having our own criteria.
Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Volunteer somewhere. Make a difference. Meet some healthy people. Take a class. Learn something new. No reason to settle for chopped liver and all that.
When we feel lonely we often seek others to validate us. We oftentimes allow others to chose us instead of having our own criteria.
Being alone is not the same thing as being lonely. Volunteer somewhere. Make a difference. Meet some healthy people. Take a class. Learn something new. No reason to settle for chopped liver and all that.
IDK....I feel like i'm being paranoid. Like I'm looking for something since i missed all the warnings with the addict. Ann- thank you for that. I believe you're right. Like, I wanted this to work so bad, that I compromised. And I only turned into that when it seemed like things were heading south.
I just don't understand why he's ignoring me. Perhaps he still has a lot on his plate. Perhaps he just doesn't want a relationship.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by anvilhead
we have to hold ourselves in HIGH regard..if someone is not expressing INTEREST in us, fine, that's their stuff, it has NOTHING to do with our worth. i'm 51, ok, like 2 weeks from 52 and i can tell ya, men come and go, they are all special in their own right, but they are only part of the cast of OUR life.......THEY can't make it better, at best they can enhance it, like a new glasses prescription....allowing us to see and feel and experience our own life in a more expanded way.
people either enhance or detract our lives....WE have to be discerning enough to figure out which is which.
people either enhance or detract our lives....WE have to be discerning enough to figure out which is which.
maybe i didn't let myself heal from all the drama from the Addict and that's why it spilled over into my next relationship. I wish the new ex would talk to me so I can explain. He knows about the Addict, but doesn't know the details. :/
Funny thing though....the Addict is the only guy who things felt right with. However, i know it would not be a healthy relationship-addicts are a breath away from relapse and I can't have that stress hanging over my head.
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