December2011

Many people have posted asking for help, support, understanding, and advice because they have an addicted BF, GF, or spouse. I just wanted to apologize for my attitude-let me explain-- In my heart, when I read the posts, I was apathetic or just had an ugly attitude towards that situation, because I was on the pity potty- thinking about how much worse off I was for having an addicted child. I thought that an addicted significant other wasn’t half as bad.
I was also weird, because I was so upset at my mom for staying with my addicted dad.
I didn’t really say anything horrid or unkind, but I know I felt it in my heart, so it may have come out to some degree.
I just want to say that I can not imagine what it is like to have the love of your life or even the parent of your kids in an addicted situation, and it must hurt deeply. My heart has changed, and I am humbled by your strength.

lol-- I am a basket case sometimes-- thank God for recovery
Thank you

litehorse

i have to admit i have sometimes felt that the situation of having an addicted child is worse than any other situation- but i have come to accept that addiction is addiction and pain is pain - there may be more similarities with other parents with addicted children but that does not make the situation more desparate or upsetting - i too am humbled by the strength that it takes anyone to continue to love an addict especially when loving them means you must take a very tough stand - God bless us all

dollydo

No matter who the addict is in your life, the pain that is suffered is just as real, just as difficult to acknowledge, deal with and overcome.

I generally do not respond to the posts of parents whose children are in the throws of addiction as mothers especially feel that no one else can understand their pain, and that their circumstances are so much worse than if the addict was a husband, boyfriend, brother, sister,mother or father, yet like me, my pain is very real, my mother is an alcoholic and on and off pill popper, she has been drinking for over 65 years, she gave me birth, I have the same attachment to her as a mother has to a child, so to me, there is no difference.

I really do understand your anger, and I appreciate this post.

December2011

dollydo,

Thank you for your reply... Your mother is blessed to have you!

I agree with you, it doesn't matter if it is a son, daughter, mom, friend, wife, life partner, husband, bf, gf.....

We; children, spouses, parents, significant others, and friends of addicts feel the pain, experience , and similar circumstances and "craziness."
We are here because our hearts beet for others before ourselves... too much

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

dollydo

"We are here because our hearts beet for others before ourselves... too much"

I couldn't agree more!

Ann

Our differences aren't so very different, we are dealing with the same thing and really, the same person...your spouse, my son...we are just looking at the addict from a different perspective. Both are equally painful when the person we love is self-destructing before our eyes.

We may come from different paths here, but when we find the path of recovery, we all walk side by side.

Love you all.

Hugs

mooselips

Doesn't matter, BF, GF, AS, AD, AW, AS, etc.

If it's a contest of who hurts more, I sure don't want to win that.

We all have the same common denominator..friends and family of addiction, it groups us together as friends rowing the same boat...

December2011

Ann,

"We may come from different paths here, but when we find the path of recovery, we all walk side by side"

Amen!!!!!

December2011

MooseLips,

"If it's a contest of who hurts more, I sure don't want to win that."

Yes, and for my own reasons.. I was wrapped up in just that.. thinking my pain was greater.

How wrong is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I appreciate your comment a lot

TY

Windblown

I always felt we were all the same in that we shared the pain of loving someone close to us with an addiction. What does it matter if it is parent, child, spouse or sister? It's still the same awful thing....yet also a chance for growth...for me that means setting and sticking to boundaries. It's the similarities that bond us, not the differences. I've also had addicted spouses and that was awful too...in a different way...but still it's the same monster we have to fight by laying our weapons down. Weird huh?

pandypoo

When I was going thru all the struggles with my AH years, years ago, I refused to think that I needed help. So after attending several Al-Anon mtgs I quit going. Finally divorced about 10 years later. Well now I have two kids struggling...my daughter much worse than my son. Point is, addiction is addiction. It hurts and it doesn't matter who it is. I am just glad my heart has changed and I am accepting the help and understanding I need from great folks here and in Al-Anon. I now see that there are so many hurting, desperate, anxious people struggling with this terrible disease. I'm glad I found this sight and glad I am learning how to live my own life.

milo88

Hi December2011,
My pain was all around my ex who eventually died from his addiction, and I often got screwed up in real life in the same way you describe, feeling others really didn't understand my pain - the labels were wrong. He was an "ex", he was an "addict", but labels aside, I loved that man. It was so hard watching his demise and a big part of me died with him. So maybe some people in my life just didn't get it, the amount of pain and grieving I've felt over my "ex", but it was/is real nonetheless.
Having said that, I lost a child when I was very young. She was only 4 1/2 months old, and that pain is one i would never wish to repeat - I never had any other children after that, I don't think I wanted to love another human being that much again (coward). Losing my ex came very very close, but I think that first pain was worse than any other pain I've ever known.
I think people posting here are all in such different situations - for some it's someone they've just met, for some it's a lifelong relationship. For all of us it's a huge learning curve, and the pain correlates directly with the amount of love you feel for the person addicted - and yes, I have to say, I do think the love for your own child probably tops the list. (I know I'm generalising)
I can really understand the "ugly attitude", I think it goes with the strong emotions.
Wishing you peace, and your child too xxx

Justlizzyd

The reason I am here is over an addicted spouse. I have read all the post by parents of addicted son or daughter. I count my blessings that I have not had to experience that yet and hope I never as they are young adults and doing well. I can divorce my addicted spouse but I could never divorce my children. What I am trying to say is I feel for the parents on this board. I could not imagine having to go through what you do. My heart truly goes out to all the parents on this board.

Kindeyes

There are many here on SR who have been on both sides of that situation. It's all bad. Comparing or measuring our pain against another's serves no useful purpose--there will ALWAYS be others who have lesser or greater difficulties.

Thank you for posting on this topic. It's a gentle reminder for us all to feel compassion for one another even though our trials differ and to concentrate on healing ourselves in many ways.

gentle hugs
ke

MsPINKAcres

I had a sponsor explain it to me this way . . .

If I had two broken legs and you only had one broken leg - does that make your broken leg not hurt?

No. You still have pain and it's real. You still need attention, care and healing -

Now is not the time to compare but to join hands & hearts and recover.

Pink Hugs,
Rita

hopeful0323

I think also alot of the people on here and also at alanon meetings have been effected by drugs or alcohol more than once and by different peolple in their lives. For me, my dad was an alcoholic, who lost the battle at age 50 when he passed. And now my children's father is an addict. For me the pain that the disease has caused is no less or no more in either situation. I pray every day that I will not be the mother of an addict or alcoholic. Hugs and prayers for all the mothers of addicts.

December2011

Milo88,

"I don't think I wanted to love another human being that much again (coward). "

It breaks my heart that you say that, you are no coward at all. You are brave.

My heart goes out to you for your strength,your honesty, openness, and your compassion... I am truly moved by what you said, and I think you are the furtherest thing from being a coward, and your love is strong.

Hugs

December2011

Justlizzyd,

Thank you, I hear what you are saying and I know you understand....
I imagine that having an addicted spouse is also extremely difficult, because that is the love of your life, A love that you expect to be there after your kids move on and have their own lives.
I am lucky to have the support of my BF of 4 years(we worked together for 3 years and were great friends before we dated) I can wake up in the morning and say that through all this BS with the AS. I love and have a man in my life that loves me deeply and supports me.
It is a strength to me and I cannot imagine having to deal with him being an addict.

I only say that to let everyone know that whoever it is in our lives- that the pain is the same, and out behaviors as enablers are a lot alike.

I know you can divorce a spouse and kinda be done with it, but it takes its toll, we are loving people, and once we give that love it seems resonate forever in our hearts.

Thank you, hugs

December2011

Hopeful0323,

My pop was addicted as well and died young because of it. It is so hard when you think you have seen the last of that demon, and it it rears it ugly head again in our lives.

You survived it once and to go through it again is not fair, but they say life is not fair.

Hugs. and I am sooo glad you are not the mother of an addict

December2011

Kindeyes,

Thank you, that was eloquently put