Living without expectations vs. bitterness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Living without expectations vs. bitterness
How do you live without expectations but not feeling bitter? I can do plans by myself, and I have noticed I expect nothing from others-just not in a good way. More like in a victim, pessimistic, bitter way. I have noticed my loneliness.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Do you think that the bitterness is unresolved anger at specific people? Or are you ticked off/bitter with the general universe?
It sounds that "expecting nothing from others" has become a form of expecting something - a negative.
I was having a big problem with loneliness a few months ago. For me the source of the loneliness was a separation from my HP, which was greatly improved with prayer and meditation.
I have also found that journaling is hugely therapeutic. If I'm having a sinking spell it is quite likely that I have not written in my journal in some time, and have let feelings get backed up.
Just throwing some thoughts out there. Hope you feel better soon.
It sounds that "expecting nothing from others" has become a form of expecting something - a negative.
I was having a big problem with loneliness a few months ago. For me the source of the loneliness was a separation from my HP, which was greatly improved with prayer and meditation.
I have also found that journaling is hugely therapeutic. If I'm having a sinking spell it is quite likely that I have not written in my journal in some time, and have let feelings get backed up.
Just throwing some thoughts out there. Hope you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Takingcharge, Sounds to me as if life's disappointments have a hold on you. I think you are still processing everything and trying to find your inner peace.
For me, loneliness, is the absence of inner peace. I have been in situations that I just could not connect, engage, or care less what was transpiring around me.
I had to address my anger, my sadness, my disappointments, no one else can make you comfortable inside your own skin. It is a personal journey we have to take alone.
I think what you are feeling is part of the healing process, this is just another step you have to take to get over the hurdle. You are going to finish the race and you will be a better person for it.
Life is not etched in stone. We get to write our own script. Make yours a best seller. Sending you warm thoughts.
For me, loneliness, is the absence of inner peace. I have been in situations that I just could not connect, engage, or care less what was transpiring around me.
I had to address my anger, my sadness, my disappointments, no one else can make you comfortable inside your own skin. It is a personal journey we have to take alone.
I think what you are feeling is part of the healing process, this is just another step you have to take to get over the hurdle. You are going to finish the race and you will be a better person for it.
Life is not etched in stone. We get to write our own script. Make yours a best seller. Sending you warm thoughts.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I don't know if I picked this up from Al-anon literature or just in general reading, but by changing my question from "Why is this happening to me?" to "What am I supposed to be learning from this?" has helped me accept without bitterness. When I'm waiting on the blessing of the lesson, I'm more open to what life has to bring.
Or, from 'Why is this person acting this way toward me?' to "What is this person teaching me right now?" ....
you can change up the questions to how it works for you. ...
(((HUGS)))
Or, from 'Why is this person acting this way toward me?' to "What is this person teaching me right now?" ....
you can change up the questions to how it works for you. ...
(((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Just my two cents. For the record I have a lot of confusion about expectations vs needs vs hope vs boundaries and they get pretty tangled for me.
I will say that for now I can handle this.
The sorter in my head is broken. I often pick people in my life who are not willing or able to hear my needs, or I am not able to place appropriate boundaries around my relationship with them. I seem to expect and hope though that my reality and relationship with them will change. That gets me into trouble.
I do have people in my life though that are far from perfect, but they are able to hear me, support me without injuring themselves (and vice versa) and though we don't always meet each others hopes, we can talk about it and work through it. I get boundaries and expectations mixed up with these folks often, but they are my gentle teachers and it is okay.
I know expectations are often called predetermined resentments, but for now I am working on sorting out who it is absolutely NOT safe for me to have expectations with. I suspect the rest will fall into place. Progress not perfection.
I will say that for now I can handle this.
The sorter in my head is broken. I often pick people in my life who are not willing or able to hear my needs, or I am not able to place appropriate boundaries around my relationship with them. I seem to expect and hope though that my reality and relationship with them will change. That gets me into trouble.
I do have people in my life though that are far from perfect, but they are able to hear me, support me without injuring themselves (and vice versa) and though we don't always meet each others hopes, we can talk about it and work through it. I get boundaries and expectations mixed up with these folks often, but they are my gentle teachers and it is okay.
I know expectations are often called predetermined resentments, but for now I am working on sorting out who it is absolutely NOT safe for me to have expectations with. I suspect the rest will fall into place. Progress not perfection.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
I think this is a great topic...
I have trouble with expectations - if someone says to me they are going to do something, I expect them to do it (unless something obvious comes up and they communicate). Addicts/alcoholics do not fit this mold and I'm being given this lesson again and again.
I can do most everything I need to do on my own. For a long time I would not accept help and it took me a lot to get to a place where I felt OK accepting it. This is probably a side effect of being ACOA - I don't want to rely on anyone, so there's no chance I'll be let down.
However in living this way I become burnt out. Sooner or later I realize I can't be SuperWoman: work 55 hrs a week, raise a child, taxi him to his activities, etc without needing something at some point from someone. My lesson seems to be to find people in my life who are capable of reliability and don't put strings on their helping. There are a select few people out there that I can count on and who are straightforward with me right away if they can't help me out.
For me I think the lesson is not about having expectations but not continuing to have expectations of people who are unreliable. I can set a boundary with myself to not expect these folks to be more than what they've shown capable of.
I have trouble with expectations - if someone says to me they are going to do something, I expect them to do it (unless something obvious comes up and they communicate). Addicts/alcoholics do not fit this mold and I'm being given this lesson again and again.
I can do most everything I need to do on my own. For a long time I would not accept help and it took me a lot to get to a place where I felt OK accepting it. This is probably a side effect of being ACOA - I don't want to rely on anyone, so there's no chance I'll be let down.
However in living this way I become burnt out. Sooner or later I realize I can't be SuperWoman: work 55 hrs a week, raise a child, taxi him to his activities, etc without needing something at some point from someone. My lesson seems to be to find people in my life who are capable of reliability and don't put strings on their helping. There are a select few people out there that I can count on and who are straightforward with me right away if they can't help me out.
For me I think the lesson is not about having expectations but not continuing to have expectations of people who are unreliable. I can set a boundary with myself to not expect these folks to be more than what they've shown capable of.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Litchfield Park, AZ
Posts: 319
I definitely learned this since coming to Al-Anon: "Expectations are premeditated resentments."
I mean, aren't we all tired of feeling resentful?
My approach to this problem is partly trying to live in the moment. For me that means trying to accept things the way they are rather than the way I'd like for them to be. I kind of like the concept that things are exactly the way they are meant to be. I'm not sure I believe that exactly, but it's such a useful concept--it helps me remember my place in the universe. (Mostly...that it's not about me.)
The other thing I find helpful is embracing what I consider to be my own powerlessness. Recognizing that I have no control over people, places and things. I don't even have control over my own emotions...they spring up out of nowhere. But, (and this is where my boundaries come in), I do have control over how I act and react to situations. When I feel resentment, I can look inside myself and realize that those feelings are my feelings. Other people aren't responsible for how I feel...I'm responsible for how I feel. I can choose to feel angry or frustrated or sad, or not.
Granted, it's not that easy. It takes work. But I think we can practice and learn acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness, compassion.
By no means have I mastered my own feelings. Sometimes I find myself feeling like absolute crap. But I'm working on it and I'm in a much better place than I was when I started.
I mean, aren't we all tired of feeling resentful?
My approach to this problem is partly trying to live in the moment. For me that means trying to accept things the way they are rather than the way I'd like for them to be. I kind of like the concept that things are exactly the way they are meant to be. I'm not sure I believe that exactly, but it's such a useful concept--it helps me remember my place in the universe. (Mostly...that it's not about me.)
The other thing I find helpful is embracing what I consider to be my own powerlessness. Recognizing that I have no control over people, places and things. I don't even have control over my own emotions...they spring up out of nowhere. But, (and this is where my boundaries come in), I do have control over how I act and react to situations. When I feel resentment, I can look inside myself and realize that those feelings are my feelings. Other people aren't responsible for how I feel...I'm responsible for how I feel. I can choose to feel angry or frustrated or sad, or not.
Granted, it's not that easy. It takes work. But I think we can practice and learn acceptance, gratitude, forgiveness, compassion.
By no means have I mastered my own feelings. Sometimes I find myself feeling like absolute crap. But I'm working on it and I'm in a much better place than I was when I started.
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Its like you see yourself through the eyes of others, I have realized how other's perceptions have a deep impact on how I look at myself. I feel I have a large unmet need within to be accepted by others just as I am, and not judged by my past. Recently I had to interact with coworkers and friends of XABF and I feel I have built a huge wall between me and all those people. I was very sensitive to how others interacted with me, and how they feel I am stuck in the past (yes I am, a bit but I have progressed!) or that I am a very lonely person (yes I am but only sometimes) or that I stay at home all the time (hm, no, I just don't go out with some people because they have babies and I do not have that much in common with them at this time in my life!)
Feels like constantly defending myself, unable to relax.
Oh and I do have unresolved anger issues with some people AND anger towards the general Universe.
Thanks all for your replies, journaling sounds great, and I need to re-read the posts... its true, its a negative expectation, instead of "embracing life with open arms"...
Feels like constantly defending myself, unable to relax.
Oh and I do have unresolved anger issues with some people AND anger towards the general Universe.
Thanks all for your replies, journaling sounds great, and I need to re-read the posts... its true, its a negative expectation, instead of "embracing life with open arms"...
A jug fills drop by drop
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Ah, I now realize the old ABANDONMENT feelings are at the root of this bitterness.
Thanks for reminding me about the present moment and HP. I will definitely have to practice this..
And now I need a nice book to start my journal.. funny, my mom recommended the same to me... signs from HP indeed.
Thanks for reminding me about the present moment and HP. I will definitely have to practice this..
And now I need a nice book to start my journal.. funny, my mom recommended the same to me... signs from HP indeed.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 
How do you live without expectations but not feeling bitter? I can do plans by myself, and I have noticed I expect nothing from others-just not in a good way. More like in a victim, pessimistic, bitter way. I have noticed my loneliness.
My solution lately is that I have as little contact as humanly possible with any and all people that I get nothing from. I don't mean that I expect others to give me my happiness... It's just that there are people in my life (FOO and AH) who suck me dry just by being around them vs make me feel good by being in their presence. So, I really limit who I spend time/emotional energy on.
At this point in time I talk a lot to my best friend, have a few casual aquaintances who are fun to chat with and I talk to al anon friends. I've found that I prefer being alone and a little lonely to being around or even occupying my thoughts with people who offer nothing positive in my life.
I don't know if that answers what you asked but...
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Join Date: May 2008
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TC, maybe you can make working through your abandonment issues a priority with finding a reputable Psych Dr., not the wacko therapist you had. FWIW, I think that is your first step in becoming the person you are underneath all the hurt and anger you carry with you.
No one carry your load or make you feel whole, only you can do that and when you make that transformation you will recognize that you don't need people the same way. other people are supposed to enhance your life, not live it for you, but you have to be solid first in order for that to happen. You will eventually get there, but first work with a professional. It took me about 12 years to find the right Psych. Dr and once I did and worked hard at my anger and resentment toward my mother for never having taken care of me emotionally, the thought jumped out at me...What do I care what my mother thinks of me?! She doesn't think much of herself! She is broken. It might not sound like a revelation, but for the first time in my life, my thoughts were not just translated to words, I truly felt it in my solar plexis.
No one carry your load or make you feel whole, only you can do that and when you make that transformation you will recognize that you don't need people the same way. other people are supposed to enhance your life, not live it for you, but you have to be solid first in order for that to happen. You will eventually get there, but first work with a professional. It took me about 12 years to find the right Psych. Dr and once I did and worked hard at my anger and resentment toward my mother for never having taken care of me emotionally, the thought jumped out at me...What do I care what my mother thinks of me?! She doesn't think much of herself! She is broken. It might not sound like a revelation, but for the first time in my life, my thoughts were not just translated to words, I truly felt it in my solar plexis.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Playing devils advocate here - I don't think we can live life without expectations. Expectations help us form our personal boundaries. But I am learning that my expectations have to be kept general because the way I live isn't the way any of you live, and so on...
I am also learning to be flexible with expectations, for example... I come here and post, and expect to be treated with respect for having my own ESH and opinions. Sometimes, someone steps all over that, and it usually has nothing to do with me. So that particular day that expectation wasn't met, but in general it is, so I focus on that instead. And avoid the people who are inconsiderate and stick closer to the ones who are.
My expectations are my weeding out process. I expect my staff to do their jobs. If they don't, they are slowly weeded off my team. I expected my husband to be kind and respectful to me and set a good example for my daughters. He didn't, we don't live together anymore. He lost it again this month, we are getting a divorce now. See the pattern? My expectations of people guide me to the ones who are worthy of being a part of my life and those who aren't, for whatever reason.
My job here is to keep my expectations normal and flexible to include other people's expectations and quirks. That's my challenge...not blanket-covering everyone else with what I think should be done.
As far as bitterness...there is no room in my life for it. That decision I made consciously and with much forethought. Bitterness gives us wrinkles and frown lines anyway! ; )
Just my 2 cents on only one cup of coffee this am....take what works and all that jazz!
I am also learning to be flexible with expectations, for example... I come here and post, and expect to be treated with respect for having my own ESH and opinions. Sometimes, someone steps all over that, and it usually has nothing to do with me. So that particular day that expectation wasn't met, but in general it is, so I focus on that instead. And avoid the people who are inconsiderate and stick closer to the ones who are.
My expectations are my weeding out process. I expect my staff to do their jobs. If they don't, they are slowly weeded off my team. I expected my husband to be kind and respectful to me and set a good example for my daughters. He didn't, we don't live together anymore. He lost it again this month, we are getting a divorce now. See the pattern? My expectations of people guide me to the ones who are worthy of being a part of my life and those who aren't, for whatever reason.
My job here is to keep my expectations normal and flexible to include other people's expectations and quirks. That's my challenge...not blanket-covering everyone else with what I think should be done.
As far as bitterness...there is no room in my life for it. That decision I made consciously and with much forethought. Bitterness gives us wrinkles and frown lines anyway! ; )
Just my 2 cents on only one cup of coffee this am....take what works and all that jazz!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Saltburn UK
Posts: 278
As notsosmart says this is a great topic, because something in it has got everyone talking. Could it be that loneliness is one of the components of recovery-like an increased self awareness also.Marie is right about inner peace, when you have that you can seek out solitude but not feel alone at all, in fact feel at one with the Universe.
For my part I think it also has something to do with loss, I still feel it in part for the good times I had in previous relationships-but maybe that's common to us all?
For my part I think it also has something to do with loss, I still feel it in part for the good times I had in previous relationships-but maybe that's common to us all?
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