wellnowwhat

I am confused.

I am with my active alcoholic husband, 30 years. Little bit of background: he works, is not abusive physically or verbally, he tries to be a good husband and father as much as he can around the existence of his alcoholism, he drinks daily, gets quieter and then goes to bed. He did not grow up in an alcoholic home. His maternal grandfather was alcoholic, but they lived far away and he barely knew him.

I go to Alanon, and feel pretty good on how I have detached. I am working the steps - huge struggle with the HP part. I don't try to fix him, and try to live my own life. I try not to go over the past (unless I am trying to learn something from it) and not to worry too much about the future. I try to let him feel the consequences of his drinking.

This is what confuses me:

I've read and reread, slept on it and reread it and contemplated it, but I don't see myself on the codependent list of questions. There are a couple of items that I could have checked off when he was at his worst, before detox, hospitalization and immediate relapse, but since Alanon I don't think I would check them now. It just doesn't feel like a fit, like sometimes at Alanon you know exactly what they are talking about when they are sharing, and sometimes it just isn't your experience.

However, it surprises me that I do see myself in almost everything on the ACOA list?!

I did not grow up in an alcoholic home. My grandparents (3 died before I was born) were not alcoholics, as far as I know. My father could be a bit verbally abusive, but mostly in a smug know-it-all kind of way, not so much in a manipulative mean way that I read on here. My mother was a nervous person. Her mother was a 4'11" Scottish ball of tyranny. If you've had one of these, you know what I mean.

I had a close friend who was from an alcoholic home that quickly became an alcoholic herself when we were in our "raise a little hell" age. She stopped drinking at 21, (and so did I pretty much, I wasn't even close to being alcoholic but it scared me and I never much cared for the taste anyways) and has been an AA lifelong member.

So why do I identify with the ACOA list so much?

jayjay1882

I think codependence is present in everyone's life and is not always a bad thing. When we deal with an alcoholic however they make such unreasonable demands on our emotions, thoughts, mindset, etc that when our natural codie behaviors kick in we can't possibly meet the alcoholics needs and so our codie behaviors leave us beating a brick wall. And that is when codie behaviors are dangerous. If you are not engaging in these behaviors with the alcoholic but engaging in them with sober people then, that might just be healthy living.
That's just my humble opinion. I could be way off base here.

Willybluedog

I'm not sure what makes you relate more to ACOA, but I am glad you are here, maybe someone else will have more insight than I do, I grew up with an alcoholic mother and my main issue is that I hate her self destruction and the regret for the life that my dad could have had with someone who was sober.

Florence

I really identify with this. I don't hit many of the codie (or ACOA) bulletpoints either, but here I am nevertheless in an alcoholic marriage.

My mother is extremely codependent and was raised, not in an alcoholic home, but in a home with a mother who was chronically ill (with TB). Many of her codependent tendencies caused extreme issues in my and my sisters' childhoods and I went through a lot of therapy as a young adult to tease out the craziness that her approval-seeking behavior and perfectionism caused.

Just my two cents. Codependency can come from a lot of places and has a legacy all its own.

WritingFromLife

My parents were not alcoholics and I also identify with the ACOA points. I recently read (and for the life of me I can't remember which book!) that there are other determining factors that can produce these "symptoms" such as, growing up with an ill parent, growing up in a super strict religious home, a parent absent a great deal, The main thrust was any environment that was less than nurturing could produce the same ACOA symptoms.

I don't believe anyone comes from a PERFECT home; however, these are some things to consider!

Freedom1990

ACOA is for anyone who came from a dysfunctional environment, which I did. Neither parent is an alcoholic, but there is a long line of alcoholism on both sides.

wellnowwhat

there are other determining factors that can produce these "symptoms" such as, growing up with an ill parent, growing up in a super strict religious home, a parent absent a great deal, The main thrust was any environment that was less than nurturing could produce the same ACOA symptoms.

No ill parent, not super strict religious, no parent absent. "Less than nurturing" ooooh yeaaaah! Very waspish where to show emotions was somehow bad form.

The home was kept quite tidy all the time, ready for company, but at the same time not welcoming and the few visitors that came never looked relaxed and comfortable. I remember deciding when I set up my own home that I wanted people to be welcome, relaxed, comfortable and for a long time it was that way. As it became apparent my husband was alcoholic we started to isolate, first by refusing invitations and eventually by not extending them. Now we rarely have visitors. I miss that.