learningtofly

Setting the scene: Found out my AH was using pills about 2 years ago. He was clean for a year and a half (I'm not sure that I believe that but I have no proof) and then he relapsed about 2 months ago. He used for about a month and then started going to NA and is working the steps this time around. He has been clean now for 30 days.

I have decided that I don't want to stay married to Ah any longer. I can't seem to get past the fact that he's an addict and that I will have to deal with him possibly relapsing all of our lives. I also want to have another child and I don't think I would ever feel comfortable having another child with a person who has this disease. I also have a lot of resentment because of this.

I love AH! We have had our marital issues and we need to work on a lot of things, but we do love each other. I feel that I am labeling him an addict and just saying nope I can't be married to you any longer because you are an addict. Is this wrong?

I feel in a way I am doing that but with reason. I don't want to live a life of having to be afraid and worrying that he will relapse.

A good future predictor is the past . . . that’s what I hear quoted here a lot!

My AH has been using for 15 years! He stopped 2 years ago after a dui, wrecked truck and me threating to throw him out and then he relapsed 2 months ago. It just seems like a gloomy future.

I feel bad about saying: He's an addict and I don't want to be married to an addict, but it's the truth. I love the man in front of me but I hate the disease.

I feel so guilty and I question myself about this all the time. I feel like his addiction is a death sentence for me. That I would never be able to live a fulfilled life with him. I feel that I am not being a good wife. I feel that I am not holding up my vows. I feel so sad for my husband that he has this disease and now he is going to lose his wife because of it. I can't imagine how much that must hurt him.

I think it would be easier to walk away if he was actively using, but he's not. He’s actually working the program.

Is/Was being an A a deal breaker for anyone else?

If I would have known this before marrying him I never would have married him!

outtolunch

Sounds like a healthy boundary to me.

Given he's been using for 15 years and you did not know, what's up with the guilt thing? Had he put all the cards on the table, back when, sounds like you would have taken a pass. He betrayed you. And that's what many long term addicts do.

catlovermi

He is not losing his wife because he has this disease (out of his control). He's losing his wife because of the choices he's made (within his control). There are people with this disease all over the globe who every day choose not to use. Big distinction.

You may feel all torn up now, but your future children will be nothing but blessed, far, FAR away from this disease, and with a father who is not going to bequeath them genetically or environmentally with this disease.

CLMI

artist83

Karrie,

Don't feel guilty for feeling this way. You have to allow yourself to feel, regardless what those feelings may be. You're not a bad person for wanting more out of life than what you have now - a husband that you love who is also an addict, an addict who may never recover.

At this point in my life, I am not ready to leave my relationship with my ABF. I'm not sure if I will be able to live the rest of my life dealing with his addiction, but I also don't know if he will continue this behavior for the rest of his life. He may wake up one day and realize that he has to get help and stop using once and for all, or he may never stop. The only thing I am certain of is that I am not ready to leave the relationship - regardless of the pain I feel because of his addiction, this is the happiest I have ever been. The good outweighs the bad right now, and I'm just not ready to completely let him go. But that is my choice and I have to live with the consequences.

None of us know what the future holds. All we can do is live our lives in a way that makes us happy and satisfied with what we have today. If you are not happy or are not satisfied with your life, figure out what you need to do in order to change it. If that means leaving your AH and starting a new life without him, then do it. You have to put yourself first and not feel guilty about the choices you make, and he must accept that he must deal with the consequences of the choices he has made.

Take care of yourself and do what you need to do in order to find happiness again.

Sending hugs and strength your way,

Freedom1990

Having been married to one once upon a time, yes it's a deal breaker.

Never again...

dollydo

It wasn't just the addiction, it was all that went with it. The abuse, the lieing, the stealing, the lack of caring, the self-centerness.

Yes, it all was a deal breaker.

seekinganswrs

karrie1207,
As I read this I felt like you were living my life. I just reached out for help on here recently, and I am struggling with the exact same thing. My husband is not had any pills for about 30 days. He went off of them about 5 months ago and stayed off for 56 days and then caved and got some from someone because his doctor won't prescribe them anymore because he failed a drug test for the narcotic, which meant to the doctor that he was #1 either getting the pills and selling them since they weren't in his system, or #2 he was abusing the pills because they weren't in his system because he took them too quickly. It was because of #2. Anyhow, all the boundaries I set I sorta cave on because he is a really good dad, and our boys look up to him so much. It's so hard. How long have ya'll been married? Have you tried counseling with him?

LifeRecovery

Karrie-

I am curious when he got sober the first time did you have a boundary about a relapse/reusing again? If so what was it?

I understand all the feelings you are talking about but it also sounds like this is a bigger than just the most recent relapse. I almost hear that you feel like you have to choose between your relationship and him or you. That is why I ask the question.

learningtofly

Thank you for bringing up a lot of good points everyone!

Seeking- We have tried counseling several times for our marital problems. We have been married 5 years and together 6.

Life recovery - my boundary last time was "if you are using you cannot live in this house".

I met with my counselor today and she shed a lot of light on my situation. She said she believes our marriage had a lot of problems before I even found out about the addiction. I am a codie and wanted to paint a pretty picture of how my husband appeared to me. My relationship was defective in a lot of ways. Once the addiction came about a lot of things made sense as to what was happening in our marriage. Me being the good codie tried to fix my AH. He got clean and I tried my hardest to go back to the illusion of a good marriage. After him being clean for about 6 or 8 months I started having an affair. The man I started having an affair with was a "normal" man. He met my needs, he was smart, he was attentive, and he was a participating member of society. He made me open my eyes to see just how dysfunctional my marriage was.

Don't get me wrong I have plenty of issues that come along with me having an affair, but for me this was my wake up call. Doesn't mean it happened in the right way but it happened.

I was talking to my therapist today and I was telling her that I don't understand how some people stay with their addict. I have written on here as well trying to get clarification how some people deal with that in their life. She responded that my marriage was not good from the beginning. That some people are able to deal with their A because their relationship is good in every way accept that one. Ooohhh it made sense to me then. I wasn't thinking of it that way because that's not how mine was.

Something else I came to realize over the last week is . . . . men can be encouraging to their spouses!!! I grew up with an alcoholic father and a mother who was a major codie. Everything revolved around my father’s needs and what kept the peace.

My AH never encourages me. Everything revolved around him and what he was doing. I really thought that's just how men were. THIS IS CRAZY!! I really believed that. I asked my therapist. . "are there really men out there that are really interested in their spouses? That encourage their spouses?" she kinda laughed and said yes. I really just thought it didn't exist!! I thought that was just how men were. LOL

I am really starting to see the light in all of this. It is like a world exists out there that I never knew about . . . . where have I been all of this time?? It is truly uncharted territory and I am SO ready to explore!