What does recovery look like, and how do I set my boundaries?
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What does recovery look like, and how do I set my boundaries?
I'm starting a new thread for LifeRecovery, so that some good questions can be brought to other forum users. I have quoted three posts that have already posted inside another great thread in this topic. Thanks in advance for your helpful thoughts!
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery 
I have been thinking about this thread today.
One of the things that got me into trouble in my relationship, but that I think overall is a positive trait is I believe that people can change. I am not "recovered" yet, but I believe that people can recover, and I am working very hard on it for myself, both with my eating disorder and codependency issue. I know they are both better, but I also know I have a ways to go before being fully healed. If I did not believe this in my very core, I don't know that I would be willing to keep chipping away at it like I have and continue to do.
I think my ex (and most of the people struggle with addictions in their lives that are in mine) can change, can get recovery and can get better (and probably be good partners too). I got into trouble though when I thought that if I insisted on it, model my own healing and wanted it for someone else it would happen for them.
I just don't have a good idea of what true recovery looks like in someone else. I have learned that it is not because someone says they want it, someone says they don't know but they will do something and then not follow through etc. On the other hand I am a "plodder" of a person, I am pretty serious and structure is important for me (i.e. regular counseling, meetings etc). I don't think someone needs to do it my way to be working on their stuff.
As hard as this last year has been I needed it. I don't think I would have grown where I needed to without it.
I think what I am ruminating on is that we all have stuff, we all have opinions etc, how have you all figured out what you are willing to accept and what you aren't? That kind of feels like what this whole thread has been about (and I have really learned a lot from it).
One of the things that got me into trouble in my relationship, but that I think overall is a positive trait is I believe that people can change. I am not "recovered" yet, but I believe that people can recover, and I am working very hard on it for myself, both with my eating disorder and codependency issue. I know they are both better, but I also know I have a ways to go before being fully healed. If I did not believe this in my very core, I don't know that I would be willing to keep chipping away at it like I have and continue to do.
I think my ex (and most of the people struggle with addictions in their lives that are in mine) can change, can get recovery and can get better (and probably be good partners too). I got into trouble though when I thought that if I insisted on it, model my own healing and wanted it for someone else it would happen for them.
I just don't have a good idea of what true recovery looks like in someone else. I have learned that it is not because someone says they want it, someone says they don't know but they will do something and then not follow through etc. On the other hand I am a "plodder" of a person, I am pretty serious and structure is important for me (i.e. regular counseling, meetings etc). I don't think someone needs to do it my way to be working on their stuff.
As hard as this last year has been I needed it. I don't think I would have grown where I needed to without it.
I think what I am ruminating on is that we all have stuff, we all have opinions etc, how have you all figured out what you are willing to accept and what you aren't? That kind of feels like what this whole thread has been about (and I have really learned a lot from it).
Originally Posted by GypsyLeopard
LifeRecovery, if I'm understanding you correctly, I think you and I are on the same wavelength. I also agree that people can get better, if they choose to do so. I look at it this way: My RA's "stuff" includes alcoholism, and he is working a plan to improve his life despite this problem. I have "stuff" that includes a disability that is costing me my hearing and causes issues with balance. I live my life as positively as I can, thankful to God that my condition isn't worse, and happy for that which I am still capable of doing. There are things I cannot do or that we have to cease doing mid-event because of my illness just as there are things we don't do because of my RA's. While inherently these two illnesses are very different, they both come with challenges we each must face and accept in order to create a peaceful, mutually beneficial relationship together, and each of us has chosen to move ahead with eyes and hearts open. We are both individuals that are responsible for our respective "selves", "stuff" and all.
As for determining what you are willing to accept and what you aren't, I feel this has a lot to do with what you have seen and experienced in your life as a whole, and what you have decided to do with that which you have learned. A book that really helped me put things in perspective was David Pelzer's "Help Yourself". Reading this was a monumental first step in overcoming my own codependence.
As for determining what you are willing to accept and what you aren't, I feel this has a lot to do with what you have seen and experienced in your life as a whole, and what you have decided to do with that which you have learned. A book that really helped me put things in perspective was David Pelzer's "Help Yourself". Reading this was a monumental first step in overcoming my own codependence.
Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I agree with what you are saying Gypsy, but there is a difference. I have not found my way in what works for me, and I hear that maybe you are further down that path.
I can get really caught up in my own stuff though.
"What does recovery look like?"
"Am I judging their recovery?" (Usually when I am trying to make it look like what I think it should look like), or when this happens "Am I just trying to set a boundary for myself?"
Recently I realized that I have allowed myself to believe what I have heard and not actions for most of my life. Or if what I heard was incongruent to actions it was my interpretation that was the problem....not the person being incongruent. I also put more emphasis on thoughs than feelings which I am working on too.
I feel in some ways that this is off topic for the post, but it is what is coming up for me as I read it....
Because I will be honest there are people who struggle with addictions who are not in recovery in any way shape or form, a number of them being loved ones in my life.
However there are people that are willing to find and get recovery and put the hard work into it.
My own struggle is keeping myself safe while I try to determine who fits in what group, and more importantly figuring out HOW they fit with me.
Thanks again for this post, it is really forcing me to look outside my preconceived notions.
I can get really caught up in my own stuff though.
"What does recovery look like?"
"Am I judging their recovery?" (Usually when I am trying to make it look like what I think it should look like), or when this happens "Am I just trying to set a boundary for myself?"
Recently I realized that I have allowed myself to believe what I have heard and not actions for most of my life. Or if what I heard was incongruent to actions it was my interpretation that was the problem....not the person being incongruent. I also put more emphasis on thoughs than feelings which I am working on too.
I feel in some ways that this is off topic for the post, but it is what is coming up for me as I read it....
Because I will be honest there are people who struggle with addictions who are not in recovery in any way shape or form, a number of them being loved ones in my life.
However there are people that are willing to find and get recovery and put the hard work into it.
My own struggle is keeping myself safe while I try to determine who fits in what group, and more importantly figuring out HOW they fit with me.
Thanks again for this post, it is really forcing me to look outside my preconceived notions.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Chicagoland
Posts: 26
It seems to me that you might be trying to set your boundaries "on the fly" so to speak. In order to set your boundaries, you have to ask yourself what your limitations are before you apply them to your life. Knowing you have a right to defend and protect yourself is the first step. Ask yourself what you consider to be unsafe behavior, at which you draw the line. Communicate to your loved one where that boundary lies ie, "I feel unsafe when you throw a chair across the living room." Then follow it up with the consequences: "If you continue that behavior I will leave the room/house/ask you to leave."
Once these boundaries are determined and set, your reaction to them being crossed is clear. You then let go and follow your predetermined course.
Working on codependency also relies heavily on examining yourself and determining what patterns you learned as a child that can be changed. For me, this required a LOT of reading of self-help books, doing the work as suggested within the sage pages and even removing myself from my comfort zone for a year. That is to say, I moved far away from anyone I knew and lived freely and simply for a year. I realize this is not an option for everyone, but it helped me to concentrate on myself and to do the work I needed to do for me, unhindered by those in my life that had unhealthy control over me.
I hope this thread will bring many helpful responses from wise users of this forum!
Once these boundaries are determined and set, your reaction to them being crossed is clear. You then let go and follow your predetermined course.
Working on codependency also relies heavily on examining yourself and determining what patterns you learned as a child that can be changed. For me, this required a LOT of reading of self-help books, doing the work as suggested within the sage pages and even removing myself from my comfort zone for a year. That is to say, I moved far away from anyone I knew and lived freely and simply for a year. I realize this is not an option for everyone, but it helped me to concentrate on myself and to do the work I needed to do for me, unhindered by those in my life that had unhealthy control over me.
I hope this thread will bring many helpful responses from wise users of this forum!
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Umm to be totally honest I am not sure how I feel about this thread being started "for LifeRecovery". I appreciate the effort and consideration however.
To clarify and respond:
I moved 12 years ago 2800 mile away from everyone I knew, I still live here today. I have been in active recovery for an eating disorder for over 11 years. I moved because I knew even then that I would not be able to not be the "good" girl around everyone I had grown up with and work any recovery.
My recovery from my eating disorder included (not doing all now): individual and group therapy, body work, seeing a dietitian etc including lots of reading (including Codependent no More as my codependency played a large role in my eating disorder). I was not forced into recovery by anyone (nor was I in physical danger). I just knew I was not happy and that being in active addiction was no way to live. I am grateful daily that I started this journey at 23.
During that time I met and married my husband. I maintained my recovery during our courtship and marriage. I just did not realize that I was not the only one who was bringing baggage into the door when we got married. I know, I know "I should have had a V-8."
I also truly believe that we "get" lessons presented to us in life to learn from that we might not have learned any other way. When I say that I was a codie from before I met my exH I mean it. I think he was put in my life for me to learn from. To clean out and heal the wound so to speak.
In the last two years his father passed away, his drinking further escalated, and he started an affair. Finally the bandaid of denial could be maintained no longer for me. I stopped looking at myself as the only one with "issues" and started to realize that there were two addicts in the relationship. That got me into marriage counseling, Al-Anon etc. I consider it (no pun intended) the whipped cream and cherry on top of my recovery.
I am not struggling with me, myself and I at this time. To "steal" from TakingCharge's post about owning our power I have worked my own recovery about as hard as I think a person can. I believe in the power of recovery, it has been my hope, strength and focus for a long time now.
I made a grave error though in assuming that once I "fixed" myself we could look at the relationship. I had some good boundaries up about alcohol itself, but not about our everyday life.
I believed him when he said he wanted recovery. It took a long time for me to realize his words and actions did not match. My recovery was so important to me that it did not compute that it might not be the same for him.
I can get pretty messed up though when I try to step out and be in relationship (why I wrote the first sentance to this post that I did). It starts to get confusing to me, I lose my grounding etc. I also know that it will bring about a lot of big changes in my life with friends, loved ones etc, and that makes me fearful. I heard something the other day that said sometimes we have wounds that can only be healed in relationships to others...I think that I what I am trying to figure out how to do right now, but I am terribly afraid of being hurt some more. Like Madea says I am looking for some roots in my life, but I have a terrible attraction towards leaves who I think are roots.
I think it is part of where I am supposed to be right now and I am okay with that. As a result I have not really worked out what I was asking in the above posts, and obviously am still not sure.
How about this if/when I do have a specific question I will put it out there. Until then I will look forward to any responses I might get.
To clarify and respond:
I moved 12 years ago 2800 mile away from everyone I knew, I still live here today. I have been in active recovery for an eating disorder for over 11 years. I moved because I knew even then that I would not be able to not be the "good" girl around everyone I had grown up with and work any recovery.
My recovery from my eating disorder included (not doing all now): individual and group therapy, body work, seeing a dietitian etc including lots of reading (including Codependent no More as my codependency played a large role in my eating disorder). I was not forced into recovery by anyone (nor was I in physical danger). I just knew I was not happy and that being in active addiction was no way to live. I am grateful daily that I started this journey at 23.
During that time I met and married my husband. I maintained my recovery during our courtship and marriage. I just did not realize that I was not the only one who was bringing baggage into the door when we got married. I know, I know "I should have had a V-8."
I also truly believe that we "get" lessons presented to us in life to learn from that we might not have learned any other way. When I say that I was a codie from before I met my exH I mean it. I think he was put in my life for me to learn from. To clean out and heal the wound so to speak.
In the last two years his father passed away, his drinking further escalated, and he started an affair. Finally the bandaid of denial could be maintained no longer for me. I stopped looking at myself as the only one with "issues" and started to realize that there were two addicts in the relationship. That got me into marriage counseling, Al-Anon etc. I consider it (no pun intended) the whipped cream and cherry on top of my recovery.
I am not struggling with me, myself and I at this time. To "steal" from TakingCharge's post about owning our power I have worked my own recovery about as hard as I think a person can. I believe in the power of recovery, it has been my hope, strength and focus for a long time now.
I made a grave error though in assuming that once I "fixed" myself we could look at the relationship. I had some good boundaries up about alcohol itself, but not about our everyday life.
I believed him when he said he wanted recovery. It took a long time for me to realize his words and actions did not match. My recovery was so important to me that it did not compute that it might not be the same for him.
I can get pretty messed up though when I try to step out and be in relationship (why I wrote the first sentance to this post that I did). It starts to get confusing to me, I lose my grounding etc. I also know that it will bring about a lot of big changes in my life with friends, loved ones etc, and that makes me fearful. I heard something the other day that said sometimes we have wounds that can only be healed in relationships to others...I think that I what I am trying to figure out how to do right now, but I am terribly afraid of being hurt some more. Like Madea says I am looking for some roots in my life, but I have a terrible attraction towards leaves who I think are roots.
I think it is part of where I am supposed to be right now and I am okay with that. As a result I have not really worked out what I was asking in the above posts, and obviously am still not sure.
How about this if/when I do have a specific question I will put it out there. Until then I will look forward to any responses I might get.
Skipper
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: South Texas, USA
Posts: 827
I think recovery can look like what we define it. We can only value what we find in ourselves to be a value. When we are able to carry our message to others, continuously work our steps, and reach out with a focus on within, we are recovering. I do not think recovery is a final destination but a lifelong process.
I think, by reading what you wrote, you have an excellent path of recovery! Give yourself a much needed pat on the back. You're where you're intended to be today.
I think, by reading what you wrote, you have an excellent path of recovery! Give yourself a much needed pat on the back. You're where you're intended to be today.
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