Almost 7 months
*Grateful*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Almost 7 months
Without a single using thought, until yesterday.....
So I came home and wrote a list of all the reasons that using would suck and mess me up. Came up with at least 10 things. I called my sponsor.... I am bummed the thoughts came. It happened when I found myself face to face with my old drug of choice. It was unexpected.
I have to return there on Tuesday and finish up a job, I have accountability....still suckie though....
My life is going so awesome right now.....
Thanks for reading....Lily
So I came home and wrote a list of all the reasons that using would suck and mess me up. Came up with at least 10 things. I called my sponsor.... I am bummed the thoughts came. It happened when I found myself face to face with my old drug of choice. It was unexpected.
I have to return there on Tuesday and finish up a job, I have accountability....still suckie though....
My life is going so awesome right now.....
Thanks for reading....Lily
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,477
Hi Lily
congratulations on 7 months
don;t be bummed...maybe the right way to look at things is to not think 'I thought of using' but 'I thought of using - and didn't...I worked on my recovery instead?'
D
congratulations on 7 months
don;t be bummed...maybe the right way to look at things is to not think 'I thought of using' but 'I thought of using - and didn't...I worked on my recovery instead?'
D
*Grateful*
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Midwest
Posts: 2,619
Hi guys....thanks so much for the support. I meant to write almost (9) months though! Hey, 2 months are HUGE when you are back to square one.
See, I think I was the bummedest cuz I felt somehow over the using. I mean my walk with my HP is so awesome, and my relationship with my family is so awesome and I feel like I don't have that big old dark HOLE in my heart anymore that I used to fill w/ drugs and food. I mean I am still working on the food, but I had had relapse on my eating plan recently and that too could have been a slight trigger. When I eat too much sugar and carbs it can set me up for wanting to use.
The reason I was face to face is cuz I went to do some filing for a friend who fixes my comp for a barter trade. She is my husbands cousin and totally a non addict as is her husband. When I used the bathroom (I was one of those addicts who used to rob ppls medicines chests) the medicine chest was slightly ajar and I saw 2 Rx bottles just staring at me. One was hydrocodone. See, what I SHOULD have done was just closed it and washed my hands and NOT LOOKED. But I am so DARN nosey of course i had to read the bottle.... I said to myself i am NOT opening her med. cabinet, it is already opened, I am just peeking at what is in there. Anyhoo....I made a small mental note of why I could not pick up, and when I got home I made a hard copy one:
1) My relationship with my HP is better than it has ever been!
2) I was 2 days left from finishing reading the OT as I have been reading the 1 yr chronological Bible since Jan. 1 and knew that it would not continue.
3) The shame I would feel
4) The guilt I would feel.
5) The fact that I would be stealing
6) The distance I always felt from my sweet husband when I was using. (Sneaky)
7) I would be mean to my 8 yr old.
8) I would bloat up and gain weight cuz of the water gain.
9) I would crave crappy foods.
10) I would have to start my clean time over, AGAIN!
11) I would be allowing what I chose to call the devil to win!
12) I would not feel comfortable being a sunday school teacher (& I teach tomorrow!!!)
13) I could compromise the integrity of my family and our name (they publish names in our small town in the paper for getting arrested) Who is to say I wouldn't get caught or kill someone driving high?
14) I think another factor is knowing I have blown it in the past and knowing God has forgiven me, but now I really feel like I am at a place in my walk and my recovery where I know so much more now therefore I am being expected to do better. Where much is given much is required.
So, there is my list!!! I am so happy I am living in victory today, now that I have had a couple of days to think about it.
Today I went out w/ my Cub Scout and another little Cub Scout and his daddy and we sold popcorn! It was a fun time, had i used i would have dropped him off and made some lame excuse as to why I too could not walk with the boys.
Thanks for listening you guys!
Lily
See, I think I was the bummedest cuz I felt somehow over the using. I mean my walk with my HP is so awesome, and my relationship with my family is so awesome and I feel like I don't have that big old dark HOLE in my heart anymore that I used to fill w/ drugs and food. I mean I am still working on the food, but I had had relapse on my eating plan recently and that too could have been a slight trigger. When I eat too much sugar and carbs it can set me up for wanting to use.
The reason I was face to face is cuz I went to do some filing for a friend who fixes my comp for a barter trade. She is my husbands cousin and totally a non addict as is her husband. When I used the bathroom (I was one of those addicts who used to rob ppls medicines chests) the medicine chest was slightly ajar and I saw 2 Rx bottles just staring at me. One was hydrocodone. See, what I SHOULD have done was just closed it and washed my hands and NOT LOOKED. But I am so DARN nosey of course i had to read the bottle.... I said to myself i am NOT opening her med. cabinet, it is already opened, I am just peeking at what is in there. Anyhoo....I made a small mental note of why I could not pick up, and when I got home I made a hard copy one:
1) My relationship with my HP is better than it has ever been!
2) I was 2 days left from finishing reading the OT as I have been reading the 1 yr chronological Bible since Jan. 1 and knew that it would not continue.
3) The shame I would feel
4) The guilt I would feel.
5) The fact that I would be stealing
6) The distance I always felt from my sweet husband when I was using. (Sneaky)
7) I would be mean to my 8 yr old.
8) I would bloat up and gain weight cuz of the water gain.
9) I would crave crappy foods.
10) I would have to start my clean time over, AGAIN!
11) I would be allowing what I chose to call the devil to win!
12) I would not feel comfortable being a sunday school teacher (& I teach tomorrow!!!)
13) I could compromise the integrity of my family and our name (they publish names in our small town in the paper for getting arrested) Who is to say I wouldn't get caught or kill someone driving high?
14) I think another factor is knowing I have blown it in the past and knowing God has forgiven me, but now I really feel like I am at a place in my walk and my recovery where I know so much more now therefore I am being expected to do better. Where much is given much is required.
So, there is my list!!! I am so happy I am living in victory today, now that I have had a couple of days to think about it.
Today I went out w/ my Cub Scout and another little Cub Scout and his daddy and we sold popcorn! It was a fun time, had i used i would have dropped him off and made some lame excuse as to why I too could not walk with the boys.
Thanks for listening you guys!
Lily
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