randyberry84

ok, im just gonna kinda spill this out in no general order.

my wife is a 100% square. sober as can be. i get frustrated at her sometimes because she gets annoyed that im on here and not watching damn tv with her... or whatever. but i just wish she would give more of an effort to understand the scientific explanation behind my drug addiction. i want her to know the chemical imbalances that go on in my brain with the dopamines and what not... u know what i mean. i have tried to explain to her as best i can in "laymens terms" but she doesnt even want to give the conversation the time of day. its like she doesnt care, but i know she loves me.... am i being selfish? should i let her do her own thing? does this mean she is not being supportive of me? because thats how i feel. please give me suggestions for her. thank you anyone else been through this?

Anna

Yes, I went through that, too.

I desperately wanted my husband and kids to understand what happened to me to make me an alcoholic. It was so important to me that they know. They did not want to talk about it at all, ever. Eleven years later, and they still don't want to talk about it. They wanted me to get better, but they believed it was my problem to fix. And, it was. And, I learned about patience, and I learned about being selfish. I had to work on myself and I had to let go of the expectations I had of my family. You might suggest AlAnon.

randyberry84

but she says, she is my wife and therefore it IS her problem too. she wants to look into it i think. just reluctant. she doesnt want it pushed to the back burner i dont feel. i dunno. its hard to explain. this is giving me a headache. lol.

WritingFromLife

Anna is right and I also understand where you are coming from. I want my husband to read about this, etc...for all the same reasons. He doesn't--I actually get offended (but know I need to get past that). If the tables were turned, I would want to know everything about this so I could understand more--we research aches, pains, serious diseases--but this? It's all mine--and ultimately, I guess it is.

Again, what Anna says is dead on and I will eventually get there, I'm sure...but in the meantime, hmmph!

sugarbear1

Are you in aa?

BadCompany

It's not her problem it's yours. It's your job that it never becomes her or anyone elses problem.

Zebra1275

does this mean she is not being supportive of me?

If she hasn't kicked your butt out to the curb, she's being supportive.

She get's to choose what being supportive means, not you.

AA might help you here.

ACT10Npack

I know you want her to be more supportive but as long as she does not do drugs and drink which you says she does not you should be okay.

People that are squares are most likely to to use and abuse.

ChaoticSunshine

So true! Many people view alcoholism/drug addiction as a choice or as a disease that we can give ourselves because of lack of self control.

Maybe, OP, you can compare your addiction to a situation of an overweight or obese person. If you were obese and spending an hour every day working out to better yourself, would she stop you from working out to watch tv with her? Just as exercise is good for the physical health of an overweight person (or really ALL people), this website is good for the mental health of an addict. That's about the only way I can break it down for someone who just doesn't understand...

Supercrew

Huh????

Never heard that before.

Anyways...

My wife is a non-drinker and has been forever. I never forced her to understand the scientific reasons why I drank like I did. But when we would be out walking the dog or spending time talking I would throw out a few tidbits of what I was learning in early sobriety. I would give her the reasons why I have always had moderation problems, (she always thought it was just me being an over-indulgent jerk), but I would let her know in 10 minute increments. I didn't make her read scientific journals, but I was able to communicate with her over time the reasons I had this terrible drinking problem. She has listened and learned over the last year, but the most important thing wasn't why I did those things, it was that I understood them now and I didn't have an excuse to drink ever again. It's now about a year later from when I was giving her the lowdown on why I did what I did, and now we seldom talk about it because it's no longer a problem.

littlefish

My first year of sobriety was really tough, I was angry all the time. Is your wife in any kind of program? I finally decided that I needed to start using a program; my choice was AA and once I started working the steps I stopped resenting the people around me.

Terminally Unique

Your desire for her support is simply a plan to drink again in the absence of that support. Addiction recovery is an individual responsibility, not a group project.

Leave her be.

Stang

Considering lots of people have spouses who drink in front of them and even taunt them about not drinking I'd say you have "problem" lots of folks would love to have.

Mark75

Hmm...

My wife does grow impatient with me if I am putting in too much time here on SR. She wants me in the here and now with her. That's not an unreasonable expectation. I am getting better in that regard. It's easier to sit in front of a computer than engage in real life at times. It certainly was like that early on. Now, not as much.

When she hears you explain in "layman's terms" about dopamine and all... well I can't speak for her, but if I was the wife, I would be all about not wanting a bunch of condescending crap about how you couldn't help it, and how I can't understand... all that.

Get recovered. Don't talk about getting recovered, to her.... just do it... show her... If you need to talk about this, that's what we are for, that's what an AA sponsor is for...

Keep coming back!

It's gonna take some time. And work.