Lindauk

Looking for advice. I have friends who are drinkers but have no issue with drinking they can have a night on the town and then not bother for ages, i friends who like get togethers and like a drink but again dont drink every day or can just have a couple of drinks. My issue is, Iv known and had some of these people in my life for over 20 years they are more family than friends. My problem is Iv avoided a couple of nights now that were important a 50th birthday and a housewarming. If I keep this up Im worried friends will think Im avoiding them (which I am I suppose) I dont want to loose them they are a big part of my life. I just dont know how long to avoid these situations before I can cope with not drinking and not really sure who to tell why Iv stopped and what excuses to make to those I dont feel ready to tell. Help please so confused.

Anna

Hi,

For me, honesty was very important in early recovery because of all the lies I'd been telling myself and others about my drinking. So, I didn't make up excuses as to why I wasn't drinking and simply said, "No, thanks" and let that do. I chose to not tell others about my stopping drinking because I had tried and failed numerous times and I just wanted to do it, quietly.

As for going out, I tried it and found I could not be around alcohol at all for a very long time. I was willing to make that choice because I needed to be sober more than I needed anything else at that point.

soberlicious

If you feel uncomfortable around drinking, then best to avoid those situations for now. Do you feel confortable telling those closest to you why you are no longer drinking? I'd venture to say they might be honored that you would choose to share something so significant with them and be ready to support you in any way they can. If you're not ready to go there even with those closest to you maybe just explain you have some personal stuff going on and you're taking a break from the social stuff for a bit, but you miss them. I don't think you would loose them after 20 years of friendship...

For those you are not ready to tell...don't if you don't want to. In the past, if it's not people I'm close too, I've just politely declined. Really no need to give reasons or excuses is there? A "no, but thank you so much for asking" always sufficed for me. Some people share alot about stuff like this with others and some share nothing. That also changes over time for many. Trust that you will know how to handle things as they come along best to you, Lindauk.

Lindauk

Yup I think I would struggle to cope on a night out so Im happy to avoid them. I think |I could tell my two closest friends my reasons and hopefully do as you say with the rest and just a simple no sorry i cant make it. I sat in the car today and looked out at the sunshine and just loved that feeling of sobriety and thought o my self no drink or feeling of being drunk tastes or feels as good as being sober . Thanks guys for your help x x x x

soberlicious

That's just beautiful, Linda. It's so nice to be free, isn't it? Sometimes it's so hard to explain to others who haven't been there what this feels like. Thanks for posting. Best to you...

OorWullie

Hi Linda, I realised recently that I had a serious drinking problem and since then I've been wrestling with the same issue as I've not told any of my friends that I am trying to stop. For the past few months I've turned down several invites to evenings out/events etc with good intentions as I knew I'd end up drinking, but then I'd end up binging on my own in the house or at my local. I've since discovered this forum which is a huge help and so my mindset is changing as I learn more about alcoholism.
I've not told anyone about my problem yet but as I've a few occasions coming up I'm just going to say that I've decided to stay off alcohol for six months in order to get fit. I worry too about how stopping drinking will affect relationships that I've had for years but I realise now I have no choice. I have to stop drinking and that's my priority and focus and everything else comes second. I'm not sure yet when/ if I will tell my friends that I'm an alcoholic but they are good people and will be supportive. I read somewhere on here that I have to learn how to live a sober life so if that's what I have to do then so be it, whatever the consequences may be for existing friendships. Many of my friends are heavy drinkers and I fear I wont see them so much but I'll just have to deal with that I suppose. It wont be easy but I managed to say no this weekend to invites out to the pub and today I feel good about myself.

DisplacedGRITS

I do not ask anyone but my best of friends to not drink around me. My husband gave it up and my dearest friends know. When it comes to family and friend gattherings (darn Christmas and New Year's for being so close) I steel myself and keep my safety line close. I know I can not do it alone.

SideStep

Lindauk, set yourself a time limit while out with friends. Go for 30mins, say hello and leave. If at anytime within that 30mins you have the slightest urge to drink, get out immediately, the feelings should pass once you leave that environment.

Ease yourself into it. Next time try 40mins, say hello and then leave.

The next morning you can wake-up feeling fresh, go out for breakfast and smile knowing that while your friends are nursing sore heads and sickly stomachs your are enjoying the day you were given.

WritingFromLife

Lindauk I had this same dilemma. For the record, I totally agree with the "No Thanks" response and use it often--however, I sometimes feel the need to tell more if it is someone very close, and I have refused invites to special occasions like 50th bdays, whatever (I could care less what they think about my "no thanks" to happy hours and the sort). I eventually said I have stopped drinking and bars are a difficult environment for me right now. Well, this backfired a tiny bit. My friends, lets just call them "heavy social drinkers"-- oxymoron, I know--but that's how they see themselves....became patronizing. I now find myself saying "Thank you for your concern....luckily, I quit while I still had a choice." In other words, Happy to be sober and not at Happy Hour. Don't feel sorry for me.

To this day, I am not completely sure where I stand with these friends. I do know, your real friends will be there no matter what. The drinking buddies will go away.

Lindauk

so much great advice and its brilliant to know im not alone. your all so right especially my sobriety being the most important thing. and iv come to realise reading your answers i dont have so spill my soul and my real friends will always be around just like id be for them if the boot was on the other foot. sitting in bed typing on my lap top realising im usually too drunk by this time of night to type never mind make sense. i feel like I can breathe again and im not going to give that up for anything. love and hugs to you all x. Roll on new life and real friends.