KariSue

My addicted son is living with me. He is recently divorced with two children. He seemed to be doing fine for a while. I believe he was drug free. Now he is back on them. He seems to go on them and then off of them for periods of time. He works every day (except not the last week as he hurt his back at work).

I am married and my husband and I are kind of on the same page but not exactly. We tried to have him leave last weekend and we're both having a hard time but my husband moreso than me. We told him he had to leave as he has broken our rules about drugs in the house. He had his bag packed and then my husband and I caved.

Just yesterday, I found more evidence of drugs so somehow I've got to find the strength to have him leave. He has nowhere to go (he burned bridges in that regard), his car needs brakes and tires so is unsafe to drive right now. He has a new girlfriend who knows about all this and for some odd reason still seems to be sticking around. I can't figure that one out.

Cognitively I know it won't kill him to have to go to a homeless shelter or who knows where? But emotionally, it is HARD. I also want to say something before he leaves to let him know I love him, he has great potential if he ever decides to get this monkey off his back.

I worry about my two grandchildren who are here visiting this weekend. My son's ex is not my favorite person with problems of her own but at least she loves her children and is sober. She also wants them to have a relationship with their grandparents so in that regard we are very, very lucky. I try to keep her on my good side.

My goal is to let him know I love him but can't live with the drug situation anymore. I also have the goal of always being able to see my grandchildren and making sure they are safe when they are with him. I am willing (almost obsessed, lol) with having him visit them here under my supervision. Neither me or his ex want him driving the children anywhere just in case. So somehow I have to say "Leave but you can visit with your children here." He is a great dad all in all except for the drugs.

I guess I feel I can't go no contact without worrying about the grandchildren. That is what bothers me the most.

So I guess I'm rambling now and I know it is 'his' and his ex's responsibility regarding the children. As I write this out, I'm realizing that I'm worrying about him seeing his children cause if he couldn't it would kill him. On the other hand, it is HIS choice. Still, I don't know if I should offer to let him visit them here or not. I would be more than fine with it. Then he needs to leave when they're gone. Would this work?

Gosh, I'm so confused right now. I have to get both my husband and I on board just to tell him to go and then worry about the grandchildren. Btw, my husband grew up with an alcoholic mother and an addicted brother. This isn't his first rodeo but it's mine.

I know this is bad but we've even considered giving him my car as it is paid off and he wrecked it anyway (but it is still drivable). Then he'd have a place to at least sleep and have a way to work. Also, should I wait about a week till his back is better. I don't think I can but I feel bad kicking him out when he is in pain and can't work. Then again, he went out and got drugs with his hurting back....

Oh my gosh, just help me sort through this. It's nuts, lol.

If anyone can make any sense out of this and help me see things more clearly, I'd appreciate it. What is a good way to handle all this?

Thanks, Kari

TMZ

Thanks for sharing.
Oh how I know what you are feeling. It is the hardest thing a parent has to decide.
I had the same problem with my son, except there are no grand children involved.

I won't advise, But I will share what I did. (for every situation is a bit different.)

My son has been back and forth with The addiction for 5 years. I have helped with bills, food, and legal matters, etc. Thought he was just struggling and I could help him out some.
A year ago he stole from me and was told "till he got help that I did not want him around."
Well a few months ago he called. He lost his job, lost his apartment, kicked out of friends house and was homeless. Though he did get himself in a treatment clinic. MMT {Methadone Maintenance Treatment.} As he is my only natural born son ( I have three others adopted) I felt at least he was at bottom and seeking help. So I picked him up and let him stay with me. He was doing good going for treatment, seeing a counselor, looking for a job. Spent most of his time doing the right things for the first month. Then he started nodding off, sleeping and not spending as much time out searching for work. Then he started asking for money to get to the clinic. That is when I found out he was using again. In fact I found drugs and needles in his room. As I have a standing rule of; NO drugs in the house. I told him we was going to have a talk about it tomorrow. ( I needed 24 hrs. to think this out.)
The next day, after he returned from the clinic. We sat down I explained I was proud he was seeking help, I was glad he was doing better. But since I was too close to him and the professionals needed to deal with him and his issues. And since he broke the rule of the house by his own choice that he must deal with it on his own. For I don't want to be the person to find him dead in my own house. {using H while on methadone can cause an over dose.} He said Ok he understood and would make arrangements. An hour later he wanted me to take him to a buss stop, he had something worked out and would be fine. ** it is amassing how resourceful an addict can be.}
I drooped him off and have not heard from him, this over a month ago. I still worry, I still pray for him, and I have hope he will find the light.
......It was and is the hardest thing I ever did in my life!!!

Have you been to Nar-anon ? It has helped me a whole lot.
I had to let go and let God.
My prayers are with you.

KariSue

Thanks so very much for sharing your experience.

I think it would be somewhat easier if it weren't for the grandchildren BUT his ex is on board as far as not bringing them to see him if she feels he can't be trusted. She is glad to bring them here because I can supervise them. So I have to let the children issue go, I think.

A year or so I did go to NarAnon. I went to a few meetings. It was somewhat helpful and they gave me literature. The most valuable thing was the literature because it has the name of people that you can call 24/7. I liked hearing the experiences and having the support of other people but I don't really feel comfortable with the 12 step program even though, conincidentally, the speaker my first night said something about not having to believe in God. Neither me or my AS are believers. I also felt worse when I came back from the meetings in some ways. There were people there in way worse shape then we were and it was very depressing. It was kind of bringing me down more. I may still consider it again.

I found secular programs in our area and he isn't willing to try those either. At one point he was court ordered to go to counseling but he says it doesn't help. While he works, he doesn't have medical insurance and we're kind of tapped out although we could help some. Even so, the secular program is at least worth a try (and similar to Nar Anon is free) but he won't go. Soooo, it doesn't really matter if he would have insurance or not if he wouldn't go anyway, ya know?

I totally agree with you that an addict can be so resourceful. That is one point I need to bring up with my husband. After all, he could find money to use for drugs, he could get himself places without a car, etc. If he can do all that to get drugs then he can be resourceful to fix the problem...when he wants to.

Well it is helpful to vent here and hear other people's experiences. I wish the best for you and your son. Thanks again for sharing your experience. It does help.

Kari

hope213

it is time to think about yourself.u will b surprised at what an addict can do.. they seem to always find the means to get there drug & use it.they can also find them self a place to stay. maybe it is time tyo let go.my son is my addict & as long as you do everything for them they do not help themself because they do not have too. the sooner they fall on their face the sooner they will b ready for recovery. my advice is to just tell him he has had chance after chance staying with u & your husband.he keeps breaking the rules so it is time to go. he does not respect you or your home. say it & mean it!!! God bles you all. prayers,

KariSue

You are absolutely right. I know it's time. I think I will say exactly what you said. There is no need to make it a long drawn out explanation of any kind.

Thanks so much!

Kari

dollydo

I would keep it simple, sit him down and give him a short window to move out. He knows that you know that he is using, he will try and manipulate you, keep in mind that this is also in his best interest, he must fall to his knees before he has any chance to get back up.

As for your grandchildren, it sounds like the ex is working with you, this is good.

Keep your focus, I would ditch the car idea, you don't want him driving around on your insurance. Plus that is enabling his bad behavior, you will be giving him a reward for breaking your boundery...does that really make sense to you? His back? If he is well enough to track down his pusher, and use, he is well enough to move out.

What would he have to do if you and your husband were not in the picture? I guess he would have to find his own way, just as responsible adults are supposed to do.

Time to put the ball where it belongs...in his court.

outtolunch

I assume this son is at least 18.. Is he mentally disabled? What other reason could there be to treat him like a child?

Not your job to give him free room and board.
Not your job to find recovery places for him.
Not your job to get him to work.
Not your job to fix his car or give him another, the one he wrecked.
Not your job to arrange for his visitations with his children.

Pack his bags, again. Leave out " because", cause it leads to negotiation and you will lose.

He's likely going to use your grandchildren to manipulate you so leave them out of this. Mom has primary custody . Work with her.

Freedom1990

Thinking of you today, KariSue!

KariSue

Wow, how nice! Thanks! Your post made my evening.

And ladies and gentlemen, now my daughter is coming home for a week (and it could be more) as she is having marriage problems.

And it just keeps piling on. No drugs in this case but geez. This mom stuff sucks sometimes. I can't wait to see her and my grandson though as they live about 6 hours away. I've always wanted her to move closer but not for this reason.

Oh and not to mention today is our 40th wedding anniversary. We decided to celebrate it another day cause we had to go out to dinner and discuss AS situation pronto. Ahhhh, the wonderful world of drug addiction.

Kari

Freedom1990

I hope you get a chance soon to celebrate your 40th and congratulations! I hope daughter and grandson's stay brings you some happiness in spite of the circumstances that bring them there, okay?

Thanks for checking in, and sending more hugs of support!

KariSue

Ahhh, you're great. Thanks!

Kari

December2011

Kari Sue,

Happy 40th

Reading your story is like reading my own story, except my drug addict 24 year old son does not have kids. I am sure that makes it more difficult for you, but there is also a lot of joy in having grandchildren.

I understand all the confusing thoughts in your head. I think the the same back and forth things. LOL, my son also has a car with bad breaks.

He also went to methadone treatment and failed. He was doing other drugs at the same time, and quit treatment after a week. he is at the point of shooting 3 OXy's at a time, and his days are spent selling drugs to buy more drugs. He hasn't worked in a while.

I have spent the last several years trying to "set him up" to succeed. I have driven him to work, bought him a car, helped him get a job, helped him get an apt.( he lost it within a few months) etc... But, every time I set him up to succeed he always fails because of the addiction. I always hoped that "this time" he would make it work, but it has not happened.
Every time they want to come home they are always promising they are done with drugs, want to stay with you to get away from druggie friends, and really quit, but it never worked( at least for me).

I wonder too, about the back problem. I have found that with my son he was always "getting hurt" or saying he was in pain, and couldn't work and needed pain killers. Mind you, these would be accidents that I would have taken some aspirin, and took it easy for a while. I am not saying he is not truly hurt, but I saw a pattern with my son, of using it for sympathy, a reason not to go to work, and for doing drugs.

He would claim to be in too much pain to work( a desk job) and then disappear for days partying. All I am saying is be careful of this trap, they are very manipulative. I am sure you know that. I mean , how can you kick a person out who has an injury? I am sure you get the point. I could be another excuse, and it makes you feel bad. You picture them limping over to the homeless shelter.

I am also in the process of getting my son out of the house, and he has until the end of the month. he always brags about his "street smarts" I think it is time he puts them to use!

This room is helping me a lot to be strong and do the right thing. I realize that it is not a loving and caring thing for me to do for myself or for him to continue to let him live here, and I cannot go on like this.

My heart goes out to you and your husband.