Justlizzyd

This addiction deal and recovery deal is not new to me. I have done online meetings (different forum), a few face to face and reading. I have been quiet a lot weighing things out in my mind. I have been through the bitter crying stages on this and the angry pissed off stages of this, more times than once. I have finally decided that I do not want to live with an addict who is in active addiction. I wrote down all of my thoughts on the subject and have been carrying them around with me for a few days. Pretty much my thoughts is that my AH needs to step up or step out and not because I am trying to make him stop using, simply because I don't want to live with it any more. I want to convey this message to him without trying to sound manipulating. I know from reading and other's that you cannot manipulate an addict into recovery, it has to be their choice. I also know that manipulation is me trying to have control over an uncontrollable situation. I have not said anything to AH yet for two reasons, 1. he has been using all week and 2. I wanted to make sure what my motives are. I have finally realized that my motive is for me to have a peaceful life and my own state of mind. I love him so much but I finally realized that I would be better off without him while he is in active addiction. He has got to stop playing with recovery and start being serious about recovery or he has to find another living arrangement, that is his choice. My choice is that I am not going to live with him if all he is going to do is play. I guess there is a third reason I have not sat down with him on this is because I read somewhere that ultimatums are not the answer either and in a sense, it is an ultimatum. However, it is not because I want to make him stop, I just don't want to live with it anymore. I want to make sure everything is right. I am done playing with this. I finally got past the, "I hate to disappoint in-laws and friends" by taking this stand for my state of being. That pulled on me a lot. I have been wondering what I would tell my parents if he decided that dope was more important and I made him leave. They don't know about his addiction as they live in another state. I have gotten past that even. I am more than willing to stand beside him if he was serious, but I don't see that. Anyway, just a lot going on upstairs…..

outtolunch

Giving him a choice is an overt attempt to control him and feeds directly into our codependency issues. It trends to make it a drugs or me sort of thing. Reality is his behaviors speak for him. The drugs control him, right now. Either you are willing to live with someone in active addiction or not. It's all about what is acceptable to you.

Have you considered talking to an attorney about a legal separation to protect yourself from debt he acquires and to protect your assets?

I am infering that your reluctance to tell your parents means you somehow feel responsibile for your husband's actions. You know you did not cause this. You cannot control this . And you cannot cure this. He alone owns his addiction and recovery. Get out of his way and give him the dignity to bear the consequences.

Justlizzyd

I guess it is feeling repsonsible by not telling my parents but I am just down right embarrassed mainly. I would get a bunch of "I cannot believe you are married to a loser" etc and they would say stuff like that. I mean I would be put down for being with him in the first place. I will get ridiculed not supported.

MsPINKAcres

(justlizzyd))

I guess it is feeling repsonsible by not telling my parents but I am just down right embarrassed mainly. I would get a bunch of "I cannot believe you are married to a loser" etc and they would say stuff like that. I mean I would be put down for being with him in the first place. I will get ridiculed not supported.

Please know - that just because someone says it - doesn't make it a truth!

When this happens - although it is difficult to say it aloud to our parents - we can say in our minds & hearts - THIS IS NOT MY FAULT ~ I hate that my parents feel this way, I cannot control their thinking as well as I cannot control my AH's behaviors. I know I am only responsible for ME. Today I am doing what is healthy for me, regardless of what others may believe!

Wishing you the best!

PINK HUGS,

Rita

hello-kitty

Stop awfulizing and worrying about what might happen. Stay in the present and look at what IS happening. Make changes. I hate to see anyone waste their life because they are worried about what other people MIGHT say.

Be true to yourself and you will not have any regrets.

outtolunch

You have nothing to be embarassed about.

Since when do other people's opinions matter?
And so what if those other people are your parents?

STOP ! is effective at silencing ridicule. So is hanging up.

Justlizzyd

One of my character flaws that I have been paralized by other's opinions as long as I can remember it goes way back to my early childhood.

Justlizzyd

I just want to be free

Bonny

I want to send you a PM, but it won't let me, as I haven't made five posts yet. I'm so sorry to read your story here - especially because it could so easily be me in a few years time if things don't improve.

I think you are doing the right thing and I commend you for being brave. I often worry what other people would think or say if they knew the truth about my relationship, especially my parents, who worship the ground my other half walks on.

I feel embarrassed too, but as someone else has said - we have nothing to be embarrassed about. Maybe the only embarrassing thing for me is that I'm not doing anything to fix it.

I hope your husband realizes what he is losing and gets serious about recovery. I hope you get the peace in your life you deserve.