Thepinkpenguin7

My name is Kara and I am trying to recover(benzos, opiates, cocaine, meth, marijuana). It has almost been two weeks. Today was very hard for me. I had the chance to relapse. I was having a bad day to begin with, my dad has recently been locked up again, and I believe my best friend since highschool may be dead (she has been missing 11 months). It's been hard not to.

Since I have been sober my emotions are so raw and they tear at me, which ultimately makes me want to use even more. I am in a county full of meth, my best friends are junkies, and I can't even come to tell them that I want to live a sober life. I've just been avoiding them. I feel like I have all these problems on my shoulders, when before when I stayed messed up, my life seemed carefree and fun. I didn't really have emotions then. I stayed numb. The only people I hurt were the ones around me who were only trying to help me.

I'm sorry if I'm just mumbling and none of this makes sense. I guess it's because I feel like I'm being torn in two directions. I want so badly to straighten my life up, to move away, start over new, meet good people and live a happy life, but at the same time, it would be so much easier to go back the other way though..

I guess what I'm wanting to know is, does it get easier? Will I have this constant battle my whole life, since I've been introduced to addiction? If so, When will it get easier? Will I always crave it? The high?
I hope not, I just want my life back.
Please help?

Dee74

Hi Kara

I think it definitely does get easier - look around at all the folks here who have rebuilt their lives.
None of would be here if it didn't get better

I was an alcoholic and a pothead. I know, in my case, I needed to make a lot of changes in my life - I was hanging with some bad people and in bad places.

I needed support too - SR is a great step forward in that direction.

A lot of people here find real life support in recovery groups like NA and the like too, so that might be another option to check out - it's easier when you know you're not alone I think

We also have a substance abuse forum you may be interested in
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Welcome to SR
D

artsoul

Welcome Kara -

I agree with Dee - it does get easier and getting support makes all the difference. I thought the obsession to drink would never go away but it did. It just took time.

It really is possible to have a new life, meet new friends and be happy in sobriety. It's not an instant fix, though, like drugs or alcohol - it happens little by little. Our brains/bodies have to heal and we have to learn how to deal with life.

At two weeks, I was still disoriented and my emotions were all over the place. You're also dealing with some major stuff on top of getting clean/sober. Are you getting any kind of support/help at all? A lot of us found that we needed to take extra measures (counseling, doctor, etc) even in addition to some sort of recovery support.

I'm glad you're here - those early days can be rough. Just take things one day at a time - we're with you all the way......:ghug3

recoverywfaith

to SR.

SR has been beneficial for my recovery as well as AA. You've gotten some good suggestions. Glad you are here at SR and seeking support.

Thepinkpenguin7

Thanks Artsoul.
No, I am not getting any other extra support. Not yet anyways. Today I scheduled for an intake appointment with a local therapist for the 20th of this month. I am also checking into going to NA meetings.

The longer I go sober, it seems like the harder it gets. I thought I could do this alone, but I just can't. I need help, serious help. I am glad I found this forum though, so I can read stories like mine and find inspiration to stay clean. It has gotten to the point where the only things I see are reasons to relapse. It's very depressing.

I am of course still having a hard time no matter what, but I want to thank you guys for welcoming me with open arms and letting me know it will be okay.

1undone

Hey, I'm sorry it's rough right now!!!! You have a ton to deal with and I'm sure the people places and things associated with using are all around you. I can say it will get easier. I was desperate not to obsess and ignore the voice that Wouldn't leave me alone and wanted me to use. It's been combined but not without one setback ( thankfully one day) 4 months of sober time. I was told that until I could get a sober history it would be tough. Even with just this small amount of time I can say it's 80% Better. The 20% is my addict mind that occasionally try's to trick me into thinking I'm not an addict! Lol

I dont hang out in situations where I could use. I also don't surround myself with users either. You mention a friend that's gone missing. I suppose that could have been you? I'm sorry about him/her. . But using won't help, it never has or will. It's really not easier to go back to that way of life. It's like being on a hamster wheel. You're going nowhere. Hang in there!!!!! We are all here together fighting each day and no one understands better than other users. .

Terminally Unique

That is the nature of addiction. If that were not the case, you wouldn't be addicted. I say this to let you know that what you are experiencing is not unique; everyone feels it at first.

You have quite a cocktail going, so it may take some time to fully detox, and I don't think anyone can tell you just how long with so many drugs in the mix. It does get easier with time, though, and the cravings will eventually come at you less often. I wouldn't recommend hanging out with other addicted people, certainly not any that have drugs on them, for quite a while, though.

Beanfrost

It does get easier Kara, but we have to work at it first.
We have to want it bad enough to do what is necessary.

When you take something out of your life, that takes up as much space as addiction, it leaves a gaping hole for us to fill. That can be overwhelming to deal with.
That is why we need a support group, to help fill up that space in our lives.
If you aren't yet involved in AA or NA, I strongly urge you to get out there and get connected to a support group. You're gonna need to have some friends that have the same goal of recovery, an addict alone is in bad company.

Thepinkpenguin7

You are right. Everything is associated with using. I go to work, I get offered drugs and I see people i've used with. I go home, I've used here. I'm at my computer right now, I used to sit here and get high all night. I hear from a friend, I know they're wanting to hangout, I know they're using or wanting to use, with me.

I feel like a devil's inside my mind, lurking around every thought, pressing me to use. Even talking about this right now, makes me want to. It stresses me out. Phew.

Beanfrost

Yes that's the part of addiction that often drags us back.
The key is to begin building a new life of sobriety, with new sober friends.
NA groups can be a great place to do that, they know what you are going through, they've all been there.
It can be scary getting started, but don't worry, you'll find some really cool people there.
There will be bbq's and dances to go to, and all the drama that goes along with recovering addicts.
Take the first step and get to a meeting ASAP, it really sounds like you are an addict in need.

eJoshua

Hi Kara, welcome to SR. I'm sorry things have been so rough for you and I hope you find some comfort in dealing with the potential passing of your friend.

I didn't deal with those types of addictions, my main addiction was alcohol, but I do know what you mean about raw emotions. I was completely a mess for the first 60 days after I got clean. I'm coming up on 5 months here, and it seems like it has gotten a little easier with each passing day. I do feel secure in my sobriety now and do not regret getting clean one bit. I am certain that if you stick it out it will get easier for you as well.

I know what you mean about it being tempting to move away and start all over again. My life has been fortunately very easy to structure around being sober, as I lost or alienated many of my friends because of my drinking, and those that stuck around were alienated by my sobriety. On top of that I was able to move in with my parents, which has made it easier to stay sober. So, I guess what I'm getting at is you have to look at ways to make it easier for you to stay sober. When I was in rehab they told me that I had to construct for myself a life where it was easier for me to stay sober than to drink, and I've had to make some sacrifices, but I think I've managed to achieve that.

Anyways, enough rambling. To answer your question, yes it does get easier and yes you absolutely can turn your life around. You won't be able to do it alone though, you'll need to learn from others experience in order to find out how to do that. SR is a great place for that support, as is NA or AA for some people.

Best wishes to you.