Will I never learn
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Unknown
Posts: 155
Will I never learn
Grew up with 2 parents who drank a lot- they are divorced now.
Dad is trying to quit, says he is attending AA but still has the same behavior patterns. Not sure if he is active in his drinking or not.
Tried to ask him for advice about a home buying matter- got in an argument over a cheap shot he made at me over the phone. During the conversation he got angry and raised his voice. I felt like I teenager getting yelled at again.
Do ACOA need to just keep at a distance from these parents? Am I stupid for still wanting that father I know he's not? Im in my 40's for crying out loud- why do I still keep going back for more?
Dad is trying to quit, says he is attending AA but still has the same behavior patterns. Not sure if he is active in his drinking or not.
Tried to ask him for advice about a home buying matter- got in an argument over a cheap shot he made at me over the phone. During the conversation he got angry and raised his voice. I felt like I teenager getting yelled at again.
Do ACOA need to just keep at a distance from these parents? Am I stupid for still wanting that father I know he's not? Im in my 40's for crying out loud- why do I still keep going back for more?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I used to do the same thing too. I have had to learn to parent myself, rather than to rely on either parent for something they are incapable of giving.
Therapy has also been a tremendous resource for me in dealing with family of origin issues.
Therapy has also been a tremendous resource for me in dealing with family of origin issues.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Unknown
Posts: 155
Thats what makes me so sad- you are correct--
They are incapable of giving and I STILL expect them to be "parents" when I need advice or just someone to talk to.
I think part of me wants them to know how sad I sometimes still am. I think I tell them my troubles because I want them to know I continue to hurt over the things they did. Like my current living situation- its a long story but I blame my dad on some level for it.
Logic tells me thats crazy because Im an adult and I make my own decisions but I let his advice get me here.
Ive been direct before and they know what they have done but does anyone else do this? Try and make their parents feel bad for the hurt they have caused by telling them too much about their problems?
They are incapable of giving and I STILL expect them to be "parents" when I need advice or just someone to talk to.
I think part of me wants them to know how sad I sometimes still am. I think I tell them my troubles because I want them to know I continue to hurt over the things they did. Like my current living situation- its a long story but I blame my dad on some level for it.
Logic tells me thats crazy because Im an adult and I make my own decisions but I let his advice get me here.
Ive been direct before and they know what they have done but does anyone else do this? Try and make their parents feel bad for the hurt they have caused by telling them too much about their problems?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 318
I'm sorry that you are hurting. I know that for me, at least, the less contact I have with my family of origin, the more happy I am and more secure. I guess each one of us has to decide, but your health and happiness are important and whatever you decide to do, is the right thing.
I wish you healing and comfort.
I wish you healing and comfort.
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Columbia MO
Posts: 1,127
Don't worry about feeling immature, hurt and anger are common responses, it's ok to blow off steam here with people who understand.
My mom is in complete denial about the yelling, the beatings that she and my father doled out, breaking a board over my head, her telling me a a small child that I was always trying to hurt her feelings. I long ago gave up on her.
My mothers best childhood friend (we call her our aunt) is still in our lives and has always been there for me, she knows what happened and is able to validate my feelings and give the kind of honest advice I wish I could get from mom.
My mom is in complete denial about the yelling, the beatings that she and my father doled out, breaking a board over my head, her telling me a a small child that I was always trying to hurt her feelings. I long ago gave up on her.
My mothers best childhood friend (we call her our aunt) is still in our lives and has always been there for me, she knows what happened and is able to validate my feelings and give the kind of honest advice I wish I could get from mom.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Liebe 
thank you.
I feel so immature when I see myself type some of the above stuff.
Its just how I feel- guess especially since the argument.
I cant wish my life away....need to move forward-
I feel so immature when I see myself type some of the above stuff.
Its just how I feel- guess especially since the argument.
I cant wish my life away....need to move forward-
I keep contact to a minimum with my folks and work very hard at not seeking approval/acceptance from them.
That backfires on me every time!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Liebe, I feel much like you. Last time, maybe 4 years ago, when my father spoke to me as if I was a recalcitrant teenager, was the last straw for me. I was nearly 40, well-educated, professionally accomplished and respected, personally well-liked by those who actually know me rather than being brainwashed by my mother's bizarre, twisted version of events, and he was standing there telling me I still wasn't up to snuff as a parent. (Most people feel very differently.) Enough was enough. Something in me simply refused to be treated like a child anymore when I am a responsible, respectable, accomplished adult who treats other people with kindness and respect. I was simply through being treated with less respect than I give to my siblings (and am expected to.)
Long story short, I've spoken to him twice since then, once at my instigation when he again treated me like a child, the next time when he called to demand that I fix the mess someone else made, called so often I couldn't get my work done (which involved calling clients that day), called me vulgar names, let me know he was a much better parent than I am, and threatened to come to my work and raise hell there if I didn't toe the line.
To me, it's evidence that he's left me no other choice. He doesn't want to have a good relationship, he wants to continue having a relationship in which he calls the shots in any rude, disrespectful, hurtful way he pleases and I continue to jump through his hoops with yes, sir, no, sir, how high sir?
Honestly, it's an ugly mess, because my kids are being hurt and torn by the rift, and my siblings have taken sides with my father and continue the ugly alcoholic family dynamics. But every time I think of the alternative, of spending time with a family where it's been made clear they can all but spit on me (and I mean that literally) and my AF will tell me it's my fault and I deserve it and of course I treat them better because they aren't so annoying as I am!!! (are you kidding me?), well, I still feel I've chosen the better course.
Long story short, I've spoken to him twice since then, once at my instigation when he again treated me like a child, the next time when he called to demand that I fix the mess someone else made, called so often I couldn't get my work done (which involved calling clients that day), called me vulgar names, let me know he was a much better parent than I am, and threatened to come to my work and raise hell there if I didn't toe the line.
To me, it's evidence that he's left me no other choice. He doesn't want to have a good relationship, he wants to continue having a relationship in which he calls the shots in any rude, disrespectful, hurtful way he pleases and I continue to jump through his hoops with yes, sir, no, sir, how high sir?
Honestly, it's an ugly mess, because my kids are being hurt and torn by the rift, and my siblings have taken sides with my father and continue the ugly alcoholic family dynamics. But every time I think of the alternative, of spending time with a family where it's been made clear they can all but spit on me (and I mean that literally) and my AF will tell me it's my fault and I deserve it and of course I treat them better because they aren't so annoying as I am!!! (are you kidding me?), well, I still feel I've chosen the better course.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: NH
Posts: 31
parents
hi,
You are not crazy for wanting what you want.
It's accepting the parent I have that gets difficult sometimes.
And I agree that the answer is to parent yourself.
My father is the a and my mother is acoa. She is very weak emotionally and continues to insist others are responsible for her happiness and well being. Everything is about Her feelings and always has been.
My brother has had very little to do with her. He feels "why be with someone when you feel like **** around them?"
I don't agree with my brother and think he is going to have a difficult time when she is gone and it is too late. He is aware of this and his behavior is not my choice.
It is difficult to accept my mother at times. She certainly isn't gonna change at her age and so I work hard at acceptance.
take care,
Laurie
You are not crazy for wanting what you want.
It's accepting the parent I have that gets difficult sometimes.
And I agree that the answer is to parent yourself.
My father is the a and my mother is acoa. She is very weak emotionally and continues to insist others are responsible for her happiness and well being. Everything is about Her feelings and always has been.
My brother has had very little to do with her. He feels "why be with someone when you feel like **** around them?"
I don't agree with my brother and think he is going to have a difficult time when she is gone and it is too late. He is aware of this and his behavior is not my choice.
It is difficult to accept my mother at times. She certainly isn't gonna change at her age and so I work hard at acceptance.
take care,
Laurie
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Los Cabos, Mexico
Posts: 34
My mom has been sober for over a year (though I suspect she has drank recently) and even now, I ask myself the same question on a regular basis. Should I distance myself? Better for me ... my family, walk away completely? I am guilty if I do, guilty if I don't with her. I wish I had advice to give!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
Liebe, we always wish for the parents we needed and still need but that will never make it happen. My parents were of no earthly use to me whatsoever. I kept in contact with them but strictly knowing that I could never ask their advice or depend on them for anything. I was polite and did what I could within reason. We never celebrated any holidays as a family, each of my siblings would see them when we could and spend holidays with our inlaws. My Dad remained drunk until he was 80. My Mom remained a martyr and manipulative till she died at 97.
I guess what worked for me was to distance myself emotionally from them and not expect a thing from them. I was polite and honored them when I could. I never engaged my dad in his drinking or rabble rousing. I never asked his opinion about a thing. I did and could ask my Mom about recipes and trite things but that's where it stopped.
The most important thing is to please protect yourself from their craziness and not set yourself up to be disappointed.
I guess what worked for me was to distance myself emotionally from them and not expect a thing from them. I was polite and honored them when I could. I never engaged my dad in his drinking or rabble rousing. I never asked his opinion about a thing. I did and could ask my Mom about recipes and trite things but that's where it stopped.
The most important thing is to please protect yourself from their craziness and not set yourself up to be disappointed.
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