gf looking for answers/advice
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12
gf looking for answers/advice
I started dating a man and fell in love, found out soon after that he is a "recovering" alcoholic. I put that in quotations because he went to treatment and has been working on stopping, yet he has fell off the wagon a few times. I found out last night that he lied and drank again. He confessed and says he feels horrible. My first instinct was to break it off - but I am having difficulty. I want to do what is best for him. I want to protect myself. He has the supportive family, tools, and resources to quit. He tells me he wants to get better so badly, but that it's so hard to grasp because he is so young (22) and wants to do what other men his age are doing. He is frustrated. I am scared. I am willing to stay with him if I can get the guidance and support to know what is ok, and what is not - in other words - I do not want to be an enabler - and I never know if what I'm saying/doing is helping or hurting the issue. I am desperate for answers - my friends all tell me to just move on, too much baggage - that I just need to "fix" people. I am confused. Any words of wisdom will be greatly appreciated...thank you...
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi gf and welcome to the family!
Alanon meetings may help you, because they sure helped me. They are free 12-step support group meetings for friends and family of Alcoholics. They are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but tailored for family members.
Here is also a link that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
That is a link from one of our sticky (permanent) posts located at the top of this forum page. I think it is a great place to read and acquaint yourself with what we have experienced from a loved ones addiction.
Alanon meetings may help you, because they sure helped me. They are free 12-step support group meetings for friends and family of Alcoholics. They are based on the same 12 steps of AA, but tailored for family members.
Here is also a link that helped me while living with active alcoholism in my home:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
That is a link from one of our sticky (permanent) posts located at the top of this forum page. I think it is a great place to read and acquaint yourself with what we have experienced from a loved ones addiction.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
There is only one person that you can fix...you. It is up to him to do what is best for him, his recovery is his responsibility.
If he ever truly decides to hop on the recovery train, he will need to focus 100% on his program.
Why not back off for awhile, see where he is in 6 months or so. He is young, you are young whats the rush?
If he ever truly decides to hop on the recovery train, he will need to focus 100% on his program.
Why not back off for awhile, see where he is in 6 months or so. He is young, you are young whats the rush?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 26
Jump ship now. don't make the mistake of living with an alcoholic. It will destroy your life because they ar ethe most selfish and uncaring people in the world.
I only person who can make them stop is themselves. They will stop when they have lost everything and not before. Please don't live the type of life many of us on here have lived because they suck you in and destroy you. not only that they blame you for their drinking...
Wow, just read what I wrote, did not realise I was so bitter, guess I am.
I only person who can make them stop is themselves. They will stop when they have lost everything and not before. Please don't live the type of life many of us on here have lived because they suck you in and destroy you. not only that they blame you for their drinking...
Wow, just read what I wrote, did not realise I was so bitter, guess I am.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
thegf,
Please take some time and read the posts on "Friends and Family of Alcoholics". Read what people have lived and are living. Only you can decide what is best for you. But since you asked, allow me to share this with you.
Never in my whole life, would I have imagined that I would be involved with an active alcoholic. Guess it crept up on me in the night, and I kept denying its presence.
We were very active and very social, Parties, weddings, traveling, concerts, sporting events, BBQ's. Together, we had a great social circle of friends that we enjoyed spending time with.
As the days turned into years, XA social drinking became a problem. He was always the first one to get bombed on his azz, so of course we would leave whatever function we were attending. Often, he would get ugly and want to argue, so again we would have to leave. I would be having a really good time, would look across the room and see he was staggering around, so of course we would have to leave.
He would offer to drive, we would get to a function, I would have a glass of wine, look across the room and he already had slammed 4 of 5 drinks. So of course I would quit drinking, because now I had to drive. He was forever late, why?, because he had to stop and have a beer.
Alcoholism is the most selfish disease, it is all about them, and consuming what they need to maintain. He no longer cared if I was having a good time, he was getting his fix and that is all that mattered.
Then you have the behind closed doors, what happens when you get home: Lots of arguments, fall down and break furniture. Fall down and bleed all over the furniture. Continue to drink everything in the house. Refuse to go to sleep until every last drop has been consumed. Now we are at the repeat the same story, for the next hour. Next comes the hateful segment, rants and raves about how everybody is a POS but him. The world is out to screw him over..................
Now somewhere in there he decides it's time for sex, and can't understand why I want nothing to do with him. Therefore I am an uptight bitch. When he finally does pass out, there is a real good chance that he is going to **** the bed, or if he does wake up, he will have pissed the floor, closet, or clean basket of laundry.
As time goes on you find yourself disengaging from your friends and family. Sometimes you are embarrassed by their ( the A ) words or actions. Holidays are nothing but an excuse for the alcoholic to double fist it. It's the holidays, it's acceptable to have a few drinks. They actually have found new people to be "social" with.
Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship. They have nothing to offer.
Knowing what I know now all I can offer you is this................ Get the hell out before his disease consumes you. It is his problem. You cannot fix him. We are powerless over this disease. . There will be no blue skies, only heartache, pain, and rejection.
Go find someone nice without the baggage, you are young, you have the whole world to explore, go find a nice guy who has his head on his shoulders, and has his act together ................... All my best to you...
Please take some time and read the posts on "Friends and Family of Alcoholics". Read what people have lived and are living. Only you can decide what is best for you. But since you asked, allow me to share this with you.
Never in my whole life, would I have imagined that I would be involved with an active alcoholic. Guess it crept up on me in the night, and I kept denying its presence.
We were very active and very social, Parties, weddings, traveling, concerts, sporting events, BBQ's. Together, we had a great social circle of friends that we enjoyed spending time with.
As the days turned into years, XA social drinking became a problem. He was always the first one to get bombed on his azz, so of course we would leave whatever function we were attending. Often, he would get ugly and want to argue, so again we would have to leave. I would be having a really good time, would look across the room and see he was staggering around, so of course we would have to leave.
He would offer to drive, we would get to a function, I would have a glass of wine, look across the room and he already had slammed 4 of 5 drinks. So of course I would quit drinking, because now I had to drive. He was forever late, why?, because he had to stop and have a beer.
Alcoholism is the most selfish disease, it is all about them, and consuming what they need to maintain. He no longer cared if I was having a good time, he was getting his fix and that is all that mattered.
Then you have the behind closed doors, what happens when you get home: Lots of arguments, fall down and break furniture. Fall down and bleed all over the furniture. Continue to drink everything in the house. Refuse to go to sleep until every last drop has been consumed. Now we are at the repeat the same story, for the next hour. Next comes the hateful segment, rants and raves about how everybody is a POS but him. The world is out to screw him over..................
Now somewhere in there he decides it's time for sex, and can't understand why I want nothing to do with him. Therefore I am an uptight bitch. When he finally does pass out, there is a real good chance that he is going to **** the bed, or if he does wake up, he will have pissed the floor, closet, or clean basket of laundry.
As time goes on you find yourself disengaging from your friends and family. Sometimes you are embarrassed by their ( the A ) words or actions. Holidays are nothing but an excuse for the alcoholic to double fist it. It's the holidays, it's acceptable to have a few drinks. They actually have found new people to be "social" with.
Alcoholics take hostages, they are not capable of being in a relationship. They have nothing to offer.
Knowing what I know now all I can offer you is this................ Get the hell out before his disease consumes you. It is his problem. You cannot fix him. We are powerless over this disease. . There will be no blue skies, only heartache, pain, and rejection.
Go find someone nice without the baggage, you are young, you have the whole world to explore, go find a nice guy who has his head on his shoulders, and has his act together ................... All my best to you...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 12
I am left just sobbing at work after reading all of these responses. And I cannot thank you all enough. I believe deep down I know this, but it is absolutely devastating, heartbreaking...as you all well know. I was clinging to the soberhim...I need to let go. He is already pushing me away when I reach out anyway. I just...I just can't thank you all enough. My friends say the same...but to hear it from people who have been through it is what I needed. Best wishes to everyone...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by thegf 
I am left just sobbing at work after reading all of these responses. And I cannot thank you all enough. I believe deep down I know this, but it is absolutely devastating, heartbreaking...as you all well know. I was clinging to the soberhim...I need to let go. He is already pushing me away when I reach out anyway. I just...I just can't thank you all enough. My friends say the same...but to hear it from people who have been through it is what I needed. Best wishes to everyone...
I had to walk away from my alcoholic husband, and it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do, but today I am grateful that I left.
I spent 5 years with him, each year getting progressively worse. It was hell on earth.
Please be gentle with yourself, and look ahead to a bright future without an alcoholic weighing you down, dear.
Sending you hugs of support!
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